where's the outrage?

[Trigg]

Bottom line is that NONE of us married for altruistic reasons. We ALL married to better our life--period!! If my wife had made my life worse--I'd be history and I'm sure if her life was worse with me that without me, she'd be gone. We all have a motive!

[msmckee]

Bottom line is that NONE of us married for altruistic reasons. We ALL married to better our life--period!! If my wife had made my life worse--I'd be history and I'm sure if her life was worse with me that without me, she'd be gone. We all have a motive!

153224[/snapback]

Excatly.

[Jeikun]

Bottom line is that NONE of us married for altruistic reasons. We ALL married to better our life--period!! If my wife had made my life worse--I'd be history and I'm sure if her life was worse with me that without me, she'd be gone. We all have a motive!

153224[/snapback]

Very true. The important thing is if the motive not be more important than the relationship itself. An example I guess would be if you were a millionaire and everyone knew it. If a woman talks to you and decides to go out with you because she knows you're loaded and then falls in love with you, you get married have 2.5 kids, bla bla bla till death do you part - then her original reason for giving you the time of day doesn't really matter. On the other hand if a woman does the same, decides you're a worm and she can't stand you - but dupes you into thinking otherwise, marries you, cheats for a year or two then splits with half of your crap... very different situation though the original motivation was the same.

[chinajesse]

Bottom line is that NONE of us married for altruistic reasons. We ALL married to better our life--period!! If my wife had made my life worse--I'd be history and I'm sure if her life was worse with me that without me, she'd be gone. We all have a motive!

153224[/snapback]

I could not agree more and that was the point that I was making but wanted others to take it a bit further on there own. Also, that if a relationship does not succeed, do not roll over and die but instead go on to a new endeavor. It is only then, when your basic needs are met (Maslow) that you can grow to your potential.

 

There will always be those that think that they are the reincarnation of Errol Flynn. But, for most of us, life will always be a trade off for what it is we want in our lives. God Bless and goodbye....

[hakkamike]

Bottom line is that NONE of us married for altruistic reasons. We ALL married to better our life--period!! If my wife had made my life worse--I'd be history and I'm sure if her life was worse with me that without me, she'd be gone. We all have a motive!

153224[/snapback]

Very true. The important thing is if the motive not be more important than the relationship itself. An example I guess would be if you were a millionaire and everyone knew it. If a woman talks to you and decides to go out with you because she knows you're loaded and then falls in love with you, you get married have 2.5 kids, bla bla bla till death do you part - then her original reason for giving you the time of day doesn't really matter. On the other hand if a woman does the same, decides you're a worm and she can't stand you - but dupes you into thinking otherwise, marries you, cheats for a year or two then splits with half of your crap... very different situation though the original motivation was the same.

153235[/snapback]

2.5 Kids? I guess one is a Lepar?

Edited September 12, 2005 by hakkamike (see edit history)

[Robert S.]

Squeak had given a hint about two weeks ago that something was coming. Somebody replied and said "What???" but nothing more was explained at that time.

[sylinchinastill]

But I agree that some women are particularly looking for American men- for various reasons- but I also think it is naive to think that everyone in every marriage doesn't have some sort of agenda like that. Everyone marries someone who would benefit them in some way- even if it is because you like their personality- having someone to laugh with benefits you in some way.

[sylinchinastill]

I didn't even see Trigg's post before- I agree with him.

[esun41]

you cant hide in a corner all your life...

we all are on the ride of our lives.

there are no promises for anyone of our lives.

the bottom line is what i like to say

 

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain

"It's time to toss the dice"

153014[/snapback]

This post speaks load and clear, "you cant hide in a corner all your life"...

 

I was hiding in a failing marriage until we both had the sense to act. The aftermath turned out to be the biggest adventure of my 44 years. I would not have experienced what has happened and have the feelings and emotions I have had recently. All this has made me look forward to the rest of my life and I am certain it will be with my future wife.

 

Life has ups and downs through out. God knows I have had my share like any one else. Without the risk may mean no reward.

 

I am more than willing to take that risk and live each day as it is my last.

[tonymasiello]

Glad to see that this forum is still here. Perhaps some will open their eyes and minds and be less likely to get burned and others will have a rude awakening and realize that they are not God's gift to women. If Asian women found you to be exotic and sexy then many of the Asian women living in the US would have replied to your ads on the internet sites you visited. Perhaps it has not struck you as strange that those living in the US did not, but many living outside the US did. There are many millions of Asian single women living in the US. Wonder why they did not reply to your ad with the same numbers? I am reminded of a Chinese national song that says that Chinese are everywhere. That goes for women living in the US too. There are many Chinese single women here that you could have had a relationship with if THEY had chosen to have a relationship with you.

153173[/snapback]

There is a certain amount of truth to this. I met a few Asian women here in the states, and my pursuit was often met with, "I only date Chinese (or Korean) men but we can be friends".

 

This past weekend while riding on the subway with my wife, there was a Chinese couple sitting across from us who conversed (in Chinese) about how sad it was that my wife prostituted herself to a western man.

 

We've encountered this kind of bias on both sides of the ocean, but it does seem to have somewhat deeper roots here than in China. At least that is my experience.

 

Still, I disagree with the notion that all Chinese SOs main motivation for pursuing an American man is for the green card. Yes, it happens, but I think for most, each individual's choices are much more complex than that.

[HanLi]

you're right of course, biases are universal, it's the us versus them mentality, our side is always right, no matter which one you are on. The bigots never see themselves as such.... surprising isn't it?

[nooneufo]

A lot of interesting and true observations.

To the post title question, of where is the outrage for those who are visa diggers.....I have no outrage.

 

I always like to refer to the numbers in things (as some of you know), and the numbers regarding this subject are not that clear, but I think are very low.

For the few times that result in a visa digger after our government has gone through the screening process to eliminate those visa diggers because us poor Americans can not figure it out for ourselves.....( I could not help a little dig at this ridiculous visa process).

Anyway, for the few who might fool somebody well enough to have only been going through a relationship charade, I say good for them if they manage to pull it off, *if that was all it was*. I can always admire a well done scam, and taking a year or more to do what could be done in a hundred easier ways in less time is one of them.

 

You are responsible for yourself, each person is trying to get a better life, no matter where they are. Some do it badly, most do it honestly. In any life situation, it is up to you to do your homework, every day. Only you can be held responsible for the failure to do so, not the instructor.

[chinadave2001]

ok, this will be my last post on this subject. really.

 

1. I no longer have any direct interest in this conversation. I have marrried, quite happily, an American woman. my life has literally never been been better.

 

2. The abuse of the VISA system by so many Chinese is not a low number. When I withdrew my petition for my ex, the morning after she ran away, the INS officer told me that situations such as mine were very common. "It could have been much worse" I was lucky because we had never married or filed the 864.

 

3. This statement has been confirmed by a number of folks who have contacted me by phone, email and pm over the last few days. Guys have been jailed, had restraining orders placed on them, etc. Others have had their girlfriends just dump them because they found a better choice. Yes, this really happens to folks. No, not that often here on CFL but it does happen. I supect that it happens more often than we know but people choose not to post their situations for a variety of reasons.

 

4. The violence against women act is an easy recipe for a green card. all you need to do is convince a few social workers that you are being abused and you win the green card bingo. The INS website tells you exactly what to do.

 

5. The fact that some abuse the system and do not return is exactly why the visa process is never going to be fixed. There is no interest in fixing it as it helps to sift some of the fraud cases by being so difficult to navigate. The INS knows that there is virtually no enforcement of the idea that if it doesn't work out the first two years, on a k1 and k3 visa, then you are supposed to return. Yeah right. Moreover, the overall abuse of the visa sytem by Chinese in general is exactly what makes it hard to invite your relatives over. Which in turn is why it will never improve.

 

6. I am grateful for the support and advice of Don, Mick and Dave G that literally walked me through some very tough days two years ago. I owe a great debt to CFL which I doubt I can ever repay. I hope Mark and others in his shoes seek and receive similar great advice.

 

God bless,

CD

[lele]

From the get-go, my wife and I realized that we would rather live in China than the US, or elsewhere, but that work and other short-term obligations required us to live in the US.

 

If you can not agree to the top statement, and are not prepared to live togehter in the US except for in the short-term, then why are you getting married?

 

There are many people who will put up facades to gain something that they consider important in the future...and in each case, if one is willing to look deeply, they will discover the truth.

 

We too know many who do this, and many who also abuse the other way too. We currently have members here who have been lied to and hurt by Chinese and others who have physically beaten up their Chinese spouces and been restrained by the court...the fact is that for each of us, what we need to do is focus on why we want to be together in the first place, so as to avoid all of these problems in the long run!

 

Why do you want to marry?

 

Why do you love each other?

 

Are you willing to live together, in China, forever? If you are not sure, have you offered this before filing any applications?

 

Good luck to all!

[MoonCarolCafe]

I am somewhat startled by the lack of outrage at what has happened to Mark, myself, and many others. We were suckered by women who wanted only one thing - an American green card.

152982[/snapback]

Looks like I have a bit of catching up to do.