chinadave2001

I was surprised when I logged on today to see this this two year old thread had been revived....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15351469/Interesting. I thought this might be interesting and or relevant to the discussions of why there is such a delay. Best, CD

I am a veteran ESL history teacher in a public school. Call the school in question and discuss this with a guidance counselor. ESL students are frequently not required to meet the same conditions to graduate. They may even just allow her to graduate with her class and I think the intensive experience of being in school would be terrific for her English.

There is vast difference between what I would call a normal break up (two people grow apart after some time) and discovering that your loved one used you to get here just to get a green card and then splits, accuses you of abuse, or some variation of this sort.

I think that the only thing that I would wish to add to this thread is this: There's a trap that we, as Americans, can fall into. At least I did. It's the "cultural understanding" trap. If your gut tells that something is not right, some little trigger goes off in your head, listen to it very carefully and do not simply dismiss it as a "cultural difference." I am a well travelled 40 year old history teacher who teaches this stuff (cultural relativity and such ) and it came back to haunt me because no matter how poorly she acted, I always rationalized it as being either a cultural difference or a manifestation of the stress of the situation. In reality, she was just a very evil, psychopathic person who wanted only one thing - a green card. There were so many red flags that I dismissed that it makes me feel really stupid to think about it now. Maybe the rest of you are just smarter than I am. Or Luckier.

In order to teach in a public school anywhere in the USA you need at least a bachelor's degree and a certification to teach. The certification typically consists of five courses and a student teaching experience. There are many ways in which one can get this certification. If you already have a four year bachelor's degree then it will take about one year of school to be a public school teacher. Private schools do not require a certification to teach but they do require the four year degree. Private school salaries are much lower than public schools.

ok, this will be my last post on this subject. really. 1. I no longer have any direct interest in this conversation. I have marrried, quite happily, an American woman. my life has literally never been been better. 2. The abuse of the VISA system by so many Chinese is not a low number. When I withdrew my petition for my ex, the morning after she ran away, the INS officer told me that situations such as mine were very common. "It could have been much worse" I was lucky because we had never married or filed the 864. 3. This statement has been confirmed by a number of folks who have contacted me by phone, email and pm over the last few days. Guys have been jailed, had restraining orders placed on them, etc. Others have had their girlfriends just dump them because they found a better choice. Yes, this really happens to folks. No, not that often here on CFL but it does happen. I supect that it happens more often than we know but people choose not to post their situations for a variety of reasons. 4. The violence against women act is an easy recipe for a green card. all you need to do is convince a few social workers that you are being abused and you win the green card bingo. The INS website tells you exactly what to do. 5. The fact that some abuse the system and do not return is exactly why the visa process is never going to be fixed. There is no interest in fixing it as it helps to sift some of the fraud cases by being so difficult to navigate. The INS knows that there is virtually no enforcement of the idea that if it doesn't work out the first two years, on a k1 and k3 visa, then you are supposed to return. Yeah right. Moreover, the overall abuse of the visa sytem by Chinese in general is exactly what makes it hard to invite your relatives over. Which in turn is why it will never improve. 6. I am grateful for the support and advice of Don, Mick and Dave G that literally walked me through some very tough days two years ago. I owe a great debt to CFL which I doubt I can ever repay. I hope Mark and others in his shoes seek and receive similar great advice. God bless, CD

One might also argue that it is exactly this kind of behavior that has made it so very difficult to get the visas in the first place. People who abuse the Visa process make it more difficult for everyone else.

Lee, this is exactly the kind of thing I would have writteen before my situation became what it did. The fact that Ling is not returning to China but has run away with another speaks volumes as far as I am concerned. OK, here's what really pisses me off: That these visa diggers come over here with anyone they can and hope for the best with that particular guy but if he doesn't treat them exactly as they believe they should be or are entitled to, then on to the next guy. Any sense of real love or committment is strictly a matter of "what's in it for me." Very pragmatic but it really sucks if you end up being the suckered. The problem with CFL is that the site is designed and intended to promote these relationships and conversations such as this do not fit in that mission.

Don't all of the K visas require two years of successful marriage before she can legally stay?

I cannot describe the warning signs without getting into the personal details of what happened. Maybe one of these days I'll post my story in detail. It's truly amazing how stupid and foolish I was. All the warning signs were there - I just ignored them and made excuses for them. Cultural differences, stress and all that ... Is it unreasonable to expect that these women should have to go back to China if it doesn't work out in the first two years? Lets' assume for a moment that "the relationship just wasn't what she expected." Does that give her the right to stay anyway?

I am also making no excuses for the gold diggers who lied their ass off for the single purpose of getting to the US and a green card. There is no excuse for this and these women should be sent back to China! 152987[/snapback] Therein lies the problem- it's just too easy, once you meet a few sypathethic Americans with resources - to stay here after leaving the person who petitioned for you. The government is not interested at all in going after these women - they are too far down the priority list. I think that these women know that if they can get across the border, they are here to stay. (By these women, I mean the small percentage that are only here for visas)

I am somewhat startled by the lack of outrage at what has happened to Mark, myself, and many others. We were suckered by women who wanted only one thing - an American green card. They promised anything and everything, said all the right things, slept with us, and then, once the goal was in sight and the border successfully navigated, quickly turned and looked for a better deal. Hell, my ex was handing out her email address on the goddamned airplane ride over here! All I am saying is that when this stuff happens, there is a very muted response. If an American guy did this to a Chinese girl, you guys would be all over him. Imagine the response, if an American guy married the Chinese girl, and then, after a year or two, said " Get out and go home. I want a different, better, younger, prettier, richer ,etc., chinese girl. You did not fulfill my expectations." You guys would be all over him condemning him and offering help. It seems to me that there is a double standard here. Just my thoughts. CD

I think the coolest place to spend in China is probably somewhere up north, near the border of Russia and North Korea.

"Every night at home she goes into another room with her phone calling her friends, she gets the update on what everyone is doing, what they are planning on doing that night etc... She's been getting up at around 6am in the morning to call back home everyday. This started getting to me so i had a talk with her, since she's has been doing this for over a month. She has a lot of guy friends she talks to also which at first didnt bother me, but once when i walked in while she was talkn( can hear it was guy) she quicky made a excuse that the phone was staticy and told person she would call them back. I had ask her about this and she says she doesnt like other people around when she is on the phone. I understand that she is trying to adapt to her new home, but every night. I told her i would like to spend some time with her to talk about stuff. Its not like im not letting her talk to her friends but every night? We never spend anytime together, since i work all day." Warning: My relationship did not survive 3 months so I probably have a jaded point of view. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. So you work all day, and during the few free hours that you have she spends most of it talking to people in China, including her male friends? Sorry, but I do not think that is normal or some kind of cultural difference. What exactly is she doing to make this relationship work/improve/better? Sounds like you are doing it all so far. Just my thoughts. CD