where's the outrage?

[chinadave2001]

I cannot describe the warning signs without getting into the personal details of what happened. Maybe one of these days I'll post my story in detail. It's truly amazing how stupid and foolish I was. All the warning signs were there - I just ignored them and made excuses for them. Cultural differences, stress and all that ...

Is it unreasonable to expect that these women should have to go back to China if it doesn't work out in the first two years? Lets' assume for a moment that "the relationship just wasn't what she expected." Does that give her the right to stay anyway?

[hakkamike]

?? So, let me understand this, Being a Dumb Ass Mexican that I am(the Son Of Trigg) Whats the topic?? Can I Have Sex For Money? What About My Taxes

Edited September 11, 2005 by hakkamike (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

As most of you know, I have been posting to CFL for less than a month. I am a newby. The most interesting insight I gain, of course, is reading through the intimate stories that some of you will post.

 

I have had my share of failures with women, and I know the great risk involved with seeking a wife from another land who can barely speak my language. Jason mentions how communication is so important, yet my SO and I cannot talk. I hear how everyone should be outraged that this woman used Squeak just for a green card. But, I do not know Squeak. I have not walked in his shoes. I have no idea what daily life with him is like. We never really know anyone, until we live with them.

 

There's another thread that speaks of a Stranger In My Bed. And, that is exactly what these women are to us, until we have actually lived with them and experienced the daily ups and downs together.

 

Yes, when I read stories as Squeaks, it scares me. I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach. Yet, I have also read all the success stories too. And, I can only conclude that life and relationships are a gamble. And, ALL of us are gamblers. We know the risk involved, yet we still continue on this path and hope that we will be one of the lucky ones.

Edited September 11, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[izus]

you cant hide in a corner all your life...

we all are on the ride of our lives.

there are no promises for anyone of our lives.

the bottom line is what i like to say

 

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain

"It's time to toss the dice"

[HanLi]

I have reserved most of my comments to telecom or PMs with those that wanted to talk of their situation. I do find some things outrageous but as Trigg said, we don't know the full story. Some people will express themselves more strongly in an open forum, others may not, but I don't think for a moment that everyone here is not fully in support of our family having a successful outcome for the love and effort they have put into bringing their loved one here. We all hurt when our family hurts......

Edited September 11, 2005 by hankhoude (see edit history)

[izus]

sure its a sad thing for any marriage to break up...

but it happens.

im not try to downplay Marks individual incident ofcourse not.

but it happens.

 

i was married once before to a brazilian girl, i met her in miami and married her. gave her a green card. 6 years later we got a divorce. my family thinks she married me for a green card.

nah!

but dont you think i thought about it, as Don said....these girls have back up plans. would not you have one going to a new country.

granted some might try harder then others to make a marriage work. some might know how its done better then others might know..due to there upbringings. too many factors to instantly say

ohhh she married him for a green card..

[Jeikun]

Lets' assume for a moment that "the relationship just wasn't what she expected." Does that give her the right to stay anyway?

153009[/snapback]

I guess it does, just like any American resident has the right to stay. They are no longer our wards or dependants in this case, and we have no right to determine their future. In this instance, why not let them stay? Say she leaves everything behind to come from another country and be with an American guy here. Tries to make the relationship work, for 2 years. Goes through greiving for home and family, adjusting to a new life, finding a niche, finding a job, building a social circle... but the marriage fails for one or many of the millions of reasons they do....

 

What is the use of adding to this hypothetical woman's pain by booting her out of the country? Punishment for hurting the American guy? What does the American guy lose by not seeing her deported? vengance? "I brought ya in to this country, and I'll take you out of it!!" This isn't a macho contest. Though I know divorces can and do get even uglier than that.

 

Again, for anyone who missed it... I refer not to the visa chasers ( a really dedicated one in this situation would suck it up for one more year or so and get the permanent visa) But to a woman who spends her best faith and effort with us for a year or two, and it just doesn't work out.

 

Let's not be selfish, here. Honestly.

[chinadave2001]

Don't all of the K visas require two years of successful marriage before she can legally stay?

[tywy_99]

Don't all of the K visas require two years of successful marriage before she can legally stay?

153033[/snapback]

Depends on the circumstances. The alien can be eligble to gain residence under the VAWA.

 

 

What is the use of adding to this hypothetical woman's pain by booting her out of the country? Punishment for hurting the American guy? What does the American guy lose by not seeing her deported? vengance?

 

The USC will not be obligated to the conditions set forth by the I-864 if the alien leaves the US. I'd say that's worth it's weight in gold!

[HanLi]

Don't all of the K visas require two years of successful marriage before she can legally stay?

153033[/snapback]

Depends on the circumstances. The alien can be eligble to gain residence under the VAWA.

 

 

What is the use of adding to this hypothetical woman's pain by booting her out of the country? Punishment for hurting the American guy? What does the American guy lose by not seeing her deported? vengance?

 

The USC will not be obligated to the conditions set forth by the I-864 if the alien leaves the US. I'd say that's worth it's weight in gold!

153036[/snapback]

 

TY's right, better read the fine print on the I-864, as the sponsor you have financial liability for the long term

Edited September 11, 2005 by hankhoude (see edit history)

[Trigg]

Financial responsibility for what??? if she isn't in the US, she is no longer a potential burden on our gov. so what would the sponsor be resonsible for???

[HanLi]

Financial responsibility for what??? if she isn't in the US, she is no longer a potential burden on our gov. so what would the sponsor be resonsible for???

153039[/snapback]

I agree, if she is back in China, you are correct!

[sailorboy]

Ahhh, the "Good Ole Boy" club just opened its doors!! I get it, this is where we all gather to tell our side of the story and let our pals be outraged because we have been burned. Is that what this is all about? Stereotyping, typecasting? OK, let's look at this from a different perspective...this forum has 1881 members. Out of that 1881 members, just how many got burned? I would expect the numbers to be quite high if you are expecting me to be outraged.

 

Nor am I naive in thinking it doesn't happen either. If I were to venture a guess, I'd have to say in most cases the responsibility for a unsuccessful relationship must be a 50/50 proposition (at best). You don't live up to your 50%, don't come running here and being outraged!! And if you do live up to your 50% and it goes south, then look to factors like your true understanding of what the risks were going in and what your plan was for dealing with those risks. Somewhere a mistake was made and nobody saw it until it was too late. That's life sometimes and it's not an outrage unless you are referring to our inability to prosecute a successful foreign marriage by not doing our due diligence in researching culture, backgrounds, even our own hearts. There's a reason why they say love is blind.

 

No, I am not outraged but saddened and compassionate. This is a high-risk game we chose to play here. Long distance romance is, at best, a shaky proposition. We make our choices, we live with our choices. To be outraged, you and every other guy who got burned, has to prove to me certain premeditation existed. Then and only then will I become outraged. My wife could very well leave me after she has her green card but I assure you now that, if she did, it was never premeditated.

 

If you want my outrage, tell me stories of American guys abusing their foreign spouses....now you have my outrage!!

 

Dave

[jim_julian]

I initiated the divorce from my American wife before I met lao po. But ever since the ex found out about the existance of lao po I hear a constant litany that she is just after a green card and my money.

 

I look at my beautiful lao po, 22 years younger than me, and I say "what could she see in me?". When we discuss this her answer is "a good heart" and she calls me her young boy -- which indeed I am in my mind.

 

The more I learn about Chinese culture and the man she was married to previously the more I believe her viewpoint. I respect her, as she does me. I honor her, as she does me. It is this reciprocation that is an important difference in our relationship contrasted to her first lao gong. It was an arranged marriage, his second, and he was ten years older. Love did not exist on her side, only duty.

 

I can see this manifested today when the ex tries to extort a large sum of money for his permission for the daughter he fathered to emmigrate to America. All he accomplished, by the way, was to drive the daughter he fathered, who was a bit hesitant in accepting this laowei in her life, into a girl who calls me frequently and grows closer to me by the day.

 

Is my lao po after a green card ... I think not. In fact we have discussed that if US-Chinese political relations fall apart during our visa process and she can't get a visa we will live together in a third country.

 

Any marriage requires work but one with all the cultural filters present that exist in a Chinese-American marriage requires extra ordinary effort. We realize that and that's the first step.

[rosyanne]

Whether you like or not, there are people like that out there. And there are bad guys as well. Maybe get to know each other little better before rush into a marriage. So less people will get hurt.

Edited September 11, 2005 by rosyanne (see edit history)