Mountains to climb

[Trigg]

No two women are the same and each adjusts in there own way. Having said all that I think I can safely say that most have gone though hard times in the adjustment phase. Seems like the first months or so is good with some sadness due to homesickness. Many have reported that then there seems to be a downhill slide after that that reverses itself in time, maybe 6 months or longer. Welcome to our world friend.

 

as far as hounding you for the green card--YUP! It appears to be an ego thing or something. i know several of the wives who hounded their hubby to get the elusive green card-my wife was no exception. My knee jerk thought was that maybe they get it and run off. Well, my darlin is still here and so are the others.

 

We talk endlessly about how good it is--and it is that. we rarely say much about how much dedication it takes-but it does my friend.

 

Hang tough-it has the potential to get VERY VERY good-most times it does just that.

[ahhming888]

Thanks for the response Trigg, yea at first when she was hounding for the green card it put some thougts in my head. Got to me because she was already planning a return trip to china next year in april for a month.

 

thanks again, i'll try to stay sane...and hopefully the pot of gold like you refer to will appear eventually.

[C4Racer]

Has your wife made any new friends, especially ones who are similarly situated, meaning an American/Chinsese couple?  Jingwen keeps in touch with Trigg's wife regularly and talks with her friends from China who are married to Americans.  They are constantly comparing notes, and I think it is comforting to Jingwen to know that she is not alone in adjusting to her new life.

This is one thing I like about the Oregon get togethers. It lets couples who are in similar situations get to know each other. It opens up a possible support group for the Chinese ladies.

 

When we were in Guangzhou, we met a few other couples. Lisa talks with one of the ladies all the time on Yahoo. Doesn't matter that they are on separate coasts. She also talks with her friends in Germany, France and Austrailia. Yes, they compare notes, but I don't think it is just a Chinese thing. Afterall, here in America we must keep up with the Joneses. So in a way it is much the same.

 

So far she is adjusting well after a few months. She started ESL classes 12 days after her arrival. She is brave enough to go downtown Portland and sign up for these classes by herself. She finds ways to keep herself busy. She has unlimited access to a calling card to keep in touch with family and friends. We have our issues like all newlyweds, but I could not imagine life without her. She says the same. We agree to talk about everything and keep no secrets. Yes, we have our fights, but we also always talk through the issue. Later, we normally find a misunderstanding due to cultural differences.

 

The key is keep her occupied somehow during the days. This helps keep the homesickness from becoming too overbearing. The more time she spends alone, the more chronic it can become and turn into depression.

 

We can only do so much. The rest is up to our SO. All we can do is provide the best support possible and pray they take it from there.

[BuffaloPaul]

For example, my ex's oldest son considers (or did) that I am his dad. I pretty much raised him from puberty onward and he's now married twice with two kids of his own and 2 step-kids. I haven't heard from him in months because Xiahong did her best to server any ties - and succeeded.

I think it was 1 part jealousy and 1 part insecurity. She really needs to be the center of my life - as I am in hers. That's certainly not what I expected when she was in Shanghai and I sent her pictures of their new baby. Things changed.

 

This is the major issue I worry about. I have 3 children from previous marraige and my SO has at times demonstrated jealousy with the time I must take with them (rather than fly to China). Although she seems to understand now that I have an obligation. We'll see how it goes when she gets here.

[BuffaloPaul]

She also went though a period where she knew more about American culture than I did. Not just culture, but law and anything else you can imagine. She knew it because someone, who was Chinese, told her so.

Ain't that the truth. Jenny is already an expert on American law.

[eeyore]

Not sure if I should even respond since my wife is still in China but I'm really hoping her transition to life in the states will be smooth. I live in a small mid-west town and she lives in Shanghai so just that alone will take some getting used to, hopefully a quiet life will be a nice change for her. It takes a lot of courage to marry a foreigner then move to their country, there are so many unknowns and no guarantees (remember jany's story). I think that most people can adjust as long as they get the support they need from their so. Personally, I plan to travel around the u.s. with my wife when she finally gets here. I think that seeing the country will be something she will enjoy and help her find something to like about living in the states. I know that traveling around in China makes me want to go back which is also something I plan to do. If my wife gets too homesick we will go to Shanghai for a vacation.

[Dan R]

Shanghai hotel rates have skyrocketed since three years ago when I visited.

[david_dawei]

I worry about the adjustment... Zixuan is very easy going and introverted, prefers a book to social event... at least at this point in her life. Because we have so many similarities, i think we'll understand each other well enough.

 

But we already talk about the adjustment. And she does hold in the back of her head the idea that we'll go back to China some day. Another topic we discussed almost from the first exchanges...

 

I changed jobs so that I could spent more time with her, work out of my apartment and will also have some travel... which I'll take her on... So I also thought the travel angle would be good for her.

 

Preparing for the interview seems walk in the park compared to this!

[Yuanyang]

Xiaomei's adjustment is a constant worry for me. She's giving up her family, friends, language, country and culture for me.

For that she deserves anything that I can possibly provide.

[BuffaloPaul]

Lots of adjustments I see for Jenny

 

City life > country life

taxis, buses and walking >drive everywhere

Chinese spoken exclusively > English spoken exclusively

one child > 4 children

never having had a husband that was home > husband home every night

hire people for odd jobs > Do it yourself

apartment living > 2 acre lot with lot of grass and plants

hot weather > 200 " of snow

small family far away > huge family ( I have 6 siblings all married with kids)

lots of travel in a car

 

I'm sure theres more but its a lot

[Dan R]

Yes that's a lot but we often forget that what we will go through is part of the equation. Make your own list next to it. You both and the children have a lot of change. It wont be easy but for you we will always be here to listen.

 

I'm glad we have this thread going for open discussion. Too many previous threads glossed over the difficulties. But ithere will be hard times and good times, so share both. We all need it.

[david_dawei]

Xiaomei's adjustment is a constant worry for me.  She's giving up her family, friends, language, country and culture for me.

For that she deserves anything that I can possibly provide.

we talked about this a bit in some thread.. everyone agrees that they give up so much... how I can just sit back and not take notice. I figure if she gives up all the life she has ever known to come here, I'm willing to do what I have to, to be on the same level of sacrifice.

[david_dawei]

Lots of adjustments I see for Jenny

 

City life > country life

taxis, buses and walking >drive everywhere

Chinese spoken exclusively > English spoken exclusively

one child > 4 children

never having had a husband that was home > husband home every night

hire people for odd jobs > Do it yourself

apartment living > 2 acre lot with lot of grass and plants

hot weather > 200 " of snow

small family far away > huge family ( I have 6 siblings all married with kids)

lots of travel in a car

 

I'm sure theres more but its a lot

chinese food > western food ( i realize that one can over come this for the most part if they want to)

 

eastern mentality > western mentality (life may never be the same)

[tywy_99]

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, it did take a lot of suffering on both our parts to get where we are today. Where are we? We are at a place where we can not imagine life without the other. I am so spoiled, I'm ashamed of myself. Yes, life is very different than I imagined, but what a life it is. I have a mate who would sacrifice all for me. I have never felt so loved and needed in my entire life. And, I try to make her feel the same.

 

There's not much I can say to help the couples starting out on a rocky road that hasn't been said already but I can post a little about our relationship in hopes that it may help.

 

We got off on a rocky start. I guess it was all because of a change of life for the both of us and having to adapt to the changes. It's not easy and it takes a great amount of will to overcome.

At one point, we fell into a rut where we would argue every weekend. We both hated to see the weekends come because of this. A vicious cycle it had become.

But now, that has all ended and to be honest, my wife and I haven't had any kind of arguement in months! Everything is going smoothly now. I like to call those rough times, growing pains, because for us both it was a time to adjust and get used to our new lives and now we have gotten over that hill and things are running smoothly.

Adjustment, adaptation; these can be very frightening situations for two people to face but you must have the strength to meet it and the willingness to overcome it and it takes both to achieve it. The strength will be your love and commitment. The willingness will be your determination to succeed. And the achievement will yield great rewards. Again, it takes both of you to overcome.

 

I hope this can inspire some encouragement. I clipped a paragraph from Don's post because it best says where my wife and I are right now.

[cosmiclobster]

Ken - not sure what to tell you, other than maybe you should EAT SOME MEAT! he he he he Just Kidding!

If you are sincere then the ball is in her court. Hopefully you can get a volley going and it will all work out sometime soon! Good Luck and hang in there!!!

 

It will be 3 months for us soon. She is on her laptop for many hours a day talking to friends in China and other K1's that are here already. (but that works out well because I have time to watch my Chinese and Korean dramas on TV!!)

There are a few rough points in our and any relationship but all in all things are going very well.

She is eager to file the AOS papers and has been studying her Chinese DMV papers to get her learners permit.

Only time will tell if this relationship will last, but we haven't had any major arguments. We do refer to each other as a coconut head pretty often . . . .

If I forget to take my cell phone to work, I can be certain that when I get home I will get a "you have coconut head today! You no take cell phone!!"

If that is all I got to worry about, I think I got it made!!! B) B) B)