Mountains to climb

[warpedbored]

Dan!!!!! I have been wondering how your case turned out. When you get some time please post how you overcame the blue slip. We are having another Oregon get together June 26th. It is only about 6 1/2 hours from Nampa to the Columbia river gorge. It may do Wen some good to meet other Chinese wives married to American men.

 

I don't know what to say about the problems of adjustment many have. I feel pretty fortunate that so far the transition has been fairly smooth. Sure we have spats just like any married couple but I could count the more serious arguements we have had on one hand and have fingers left over. I attribute most of my good luck to the wonderful woman I married but also some of the factors to our so far so good marriage are, we are both middle aged and been married before. I am 51 and Bing is 48 so our ages are fairly close. A little more patient and settled down than younger folk. Bing also lived in England for 6 months so she had some idea of what to expect from culture shock. I had some idea of what to expect of her culture shock as well since my ex-wife is from Japan and I have been through it before. I have a lot of patience with her and never push her to adapt faster, learn english, faster, get a job faster etc. I figure she will tackle these things when she is ready. Now after a year of marriage we are getting used to one another. We do have our differences though. One problem is displays of affection. The Chinese attitude is less words and more action. She is constantly doting on me. She brings me tea, she peels me oranges, she fusses over me like a mother hen and I love every minute of it. These actions require reciprocation however and sometimes she is dismayed that I don't do as many things like this for her. I have to remind myself to do them. She also understands that these are cultural differences and takes it in stride. Over all we have had some bumps in the road but I can honestly say they are no more serious than any other American couple getting used to one another.

[olemanoman1950]

Ah the rocky road, we are having a few ups and downs ourselves. We agreed they both can go back to China to visit in a year when tax refund time rolls around but now is the time since our son is going to be out of school for the summer holiday so its hard to scrape up the cash with out going broke, they don't understand it but life goes on...........

[ahhming888]

Hey Carl,

 

Ive been so busy with life with the Wife, i have been just comming on here reading. After seeing this forum I thought i add my 2 cents to see if things are normal or im going insane.

 

Yea i just switched schedule at work, i will have more time to post now. I'll see if i can get that post on the blue slip ordeal. Yet one challenge completed, and now another has begun.

[ahhming888]

So far i've talked to her about the phone conversations, she's been doing good on that. The green card she still hounding at me, which i dont think is fair since she spent about 400$ on a digital camera last month to send back to china. And im still not sure who she sent this camera too, she said a relative. The address was to a business, and when i asked her she said just because no reason why she's not sending it to a residence.

 

Do all girls in china have a lot of guy friends, stuff like this i dont know. Just like the address issue above, am i over re-acting for nothing?

[Dan R]

Swedish proverb

 

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

 

The friends as brothers seems to be a big thing in China. I wonder if it is more important for the only child or is it everything. My friend's wife wanted to make sure he would not get mad if she goes out with men friends some times. Of course he reacted with "to do what". She was looking for an affirmation of trust and got mad. It was the supposition that something she would do might be wrong. In talking to a Chinese male friend of mine I was told "What does it matter, I am the husband and he is a friend. He also said that in China this can lead to big fights for some couples and some men try to keep their wives at home.

 

With us it is often made worse by the use of English. "I went to the movie with my friend and he said". Me: "How do you know this man?" Her: "No silly my schoolhood friend Mei, you know him." " Oh yes I've met her." I have had some quick breaths at times when she has been to the bath house with "he". The gender pronouns are hard to keep straight. I mention it because this adds to the number of times and activities we add up for the male friends.

 

I don't know where the address was that she sent to, but I have had friends ask me to send to work 1) because the home apartment gets many wrong deliveries and work is easier for the post. 2) There is no where to leave a package at home during the day so they will have to make arrangements to pick it up. 3) Delivery is day time when people are at work and no one home to receive. 3) Packages delivered while not there get stolen or used by relatives.

 

Don't let worry over shadow your relationship.

[ahhming888]

Swedish proverb

 

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

 

The friends as brothers seems to be a big thing in China. I wonder if it is more important for the only child or is it everything.  My friend's wife wanted to make sure he would not get mad if she goes out with men friends some times. Of course he reacted with "to do what". She was looking for an affirmation of trust and got mad. It was the supposition that something she would do might be wrong. In talking to a Chinese male friend of mine I was told "What does it matter,  I am the husband and he is a friend. He also said that in China this can lead to big fights for some couples and some men try to keep their wives at home.

 

With us it is often made worse by the use of English. "I went to the movie with my friend and he said". Me: "How do you know this man?" Her: "No silly my schoolhood friend Mei, you know him." " Oh yes I've met her."  I have had some quick breaths at times when she has been to the bath house with "he". The gender pronouns are hard to keep straight. I mention it because this adds to the number of times and activities we add up for the male friends.

 

I don't know where the address was that she sent to, but I have had friends ask me to send to work 1) because the home apartment gets many wrong deliveries and work is easier for the post. 2) There is no where to leave a package at home during the day so they will have to make arrangements to pick it up. 3) Delivery is day time when people are at work and no one home to receive. 3) Packages delivered while not there get stolen or used by relatives.

 

Don't let worry over shadow your relationship.

Thanks for the reply I'll keep that in mind; you do have some points there. Then again I was conversing with another member, and he brought up the age issue. My SO is 25, still young and immature...so that might be difference between her and other SO on here too...

[warpedbored]

Dan it is very common for people to receive their mail at work or even school in China. I wouldn't worry about that. The phone conversations are also normal excepting the secretivness. Bing was on the phone almost constantly when she first came. It is just home sickeness.That will ease up as she makes new friends and begins to have a life of her own here. Keep in mind that she has a huge adjustment to make. She came from a huge metropolis to a small farming city in Idaho where she doesn't speak the language. As you pointed out she is young and immature. I wouldn't pressure her too much. She will adapt in time.

[sylinchinastill]

I would worry less about the camera thing because warpedbored is right and that is pretty common to send to a post office or something- especially with something expensive like a camera- I would worry about her age and the fact that when she always talks every second to people at home- some of it is good- but some of it is like she is hiding from being in the US. Some of it is culture sickness- but it can quickly become depression. Also- I don't think the talking on the phone think is a usual occurrence- because it isn't that common that Chinese girls and guys are platonic friends- it could be the case and I could very well be wrong- but if I were you I would ask about it. Nor do I like that she is talking on the phone about how bad the food is and stuff like that- because it's almost as if she is conspiring with other people when she should discuss it with you. I hope things work out. I do think that the older men and women have an easier time of it than us younguns have.

[frank1538]

Maybe it's time to resurrect carhil24's post: http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....3b48e289ffc6301

[warpedbored]

I remember that thread now. Thanks for bringing it back up Frank. I needed that refresher course.

[egolessvegan]

Frank:

Thanks for bringing back the thread on HAPPINESS.

I thought there would be even more input from CFL members on this original topic.

Ken

B) B)

[chinadave2001]

"Every night at home she goes into another room with her phone calling her friends, she gets the update on what everyone is doing, what they are planning on doing that night etc... She's been getting up at around 6am in the morning to call back home everyday. This started getting to me so i had a talk with her, since she's has been doing this for over a month. She has a lot of guy friends she talks to also which at first didnt bother me, but once when i walked in while she was talkn( can hear it was guy) she quicky made a excuse that the phone was staticy and told person she would call them back. I had ask her about this and she says she doesnt like other people around when she is on the phone. I understand that she is trying to adapt to her new home, but every night. I told her i would like to spend some time with her to talk about stuff. Its not like im not letting her talk to her friends but every night? We never spend anytime together, since i work all day."

 

 

Warning: My relationship did not survive 3 months so I probably have a jaded point of view. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

 

So you work all day, and during the few free hours that you have she spends most of it talking to people in China, including her male friends? Sorry, but I do not think that is normal or some kind of cultural difference. What exactly is she doing to make this relationship work/improve/better? Sounds like you are doing it all so far. Just my thoughts.

 

CD

[artmill4]

Everything that is posted here is so very helpful. I do appreciate the different view points.

 

I talk to Ling most of the time twice a day. With the 13 hours difference in times it works out well. I talk to her free using Skype on the computer. That is computer to computer and Yahoo messenger for the video stream. When I call her cell it is .02 a minute using Skype. Skype is a free download with a better audio than the phone service.

 

http://www.skype.com/download

 

Does anyone have a better way staying in contact?

[Yuanyang]

Yahoo's Beta 7 has a Call feature also.

[david_dawei]

Yahoo's Beta 7 has a Call feature also.

I tried with with someone in China.. quality (for me) was bad...

 

I stay with Skype... also like that chinese characters can send in their chat mode...