Mountains to climb

[Guest fhtb]

I have put a lot of effort into making my friends my wife's friends. She loves to cook (and hates paying American restaurant prices) and can't drive yet, so I've been bringing friends and Colleagues home to lunch and dinner. I especially did it a lot when she first got here, less so now. But looking back on it, I think it was a good thing to have put in extra effort at the beginning. I was concerned she'd be lonely cooped up in the house by herself all day. Bringing them home one at a time allowed her to get to know them, and then if I mentioned one of them in a conversation later, she would know who I was talking about. It also helps her feel that she is contributing something, which I think is important for her.

 

She's used to working, so we've put a lot of time and effort into planning a new career path for her. She's taking two classes and that gets her out of the house at night. I come home for dinner and let her drive herself (with me in the car) to school, then I pick her up after her class and she drives us home or to the store. Sometimes I have to work late so she drives us to work and she studies while I work. Since almost everybody at work has been fed by her, they all greet her warmly when they see her.

 

We got married and applied for the AOS very quickly. She gave up everything, including a terrific career, to be with me. I figured it was better to get this out of the way so she could feel more secure as soon as possible. I don't think most SO's will be sympathetic to appeals of logic on this issue. They have an emotional need to know that their commitment to us has been matched with a commitment from us.

 

What else... every time someone calls me, I put them on the phone to say "hi" to my wife, if only for a moment. She was shy about it at first but now she enjoys it.

 

We have occasional cultural clashes, mostly regarding money and how much things cost. I don't think she's going to be able to balance time with money, or how much something costs with how much I make, until she gets a job. Right now, everything just seems so expensive to her! She thinks she is being a good wife by saving us money. But sometimes she drives me nuts with her efforts at being frugal.

 

Having a sense of humor about conflicts is extremely helpful. So is trying to understand the other person's point of view. I think it would be dangerous to just leave her at home all day with nothing to do. We talk about our family goals all the time and she is an active participant in defining those goals and helping to move forward in achieving them. Here's a dumb example: our couches are a disaster, and today we came to the agreement that she would try to figure out how to re-cover them. Previously, we painted a bathroom and planted some flowers together.

 

My suspicion is that most married women will respond very positiively to questions like "how can we make our marriage as good as it can be?" This is also much more likely to get a positive reaction than a comment like "you shouldn't do that" or "I want you to do this." I think women, more naturally than men, tend to enjoy thinking in the "we." It's a difficult time for them when they aren't allowed to work, waiting for that green card or EAD. They may be feeling unsure about how things are going. It's our job to reassure them, and I believe the best way to do this is to get them actively engaged in family-related planning and follow-through. Not in a manipulative way, but in a joint partnership kind of way. Not just as a way to keep them busy, but as a way for both of us to keep the relationship blossoming.

 

oops! gotta go pick her up from school...

 

- fhtb

[fewmgf]

fhtb: that sounds like very good advice Thanks for sharing that.

[skibum]

Here is a little rain for your parade Dan. It was nice of your mother to buy a nice digital camera for your wife's boyfriend. Beware that this stuff happens. The woman gets her citizenship and gets divorced and brings over her Chinese husband.

 

I am always amazed at how quickly Yirong adapted to life here. Her life here is comfortable as it was in China but the difference is that I am here for her and we love eachother very much. And she just came in and read this post and said I should not post it as it is not good to say bad things. But, I think you need a wake up call.

 

I know everyone can not be as lucky as I am but I put a lot of time and effort into finding the right woman. It was time and money well invested.

[skibum]

As my father told me "Happiness is not given, it is exchanged". You can not make someone happy, they have to do it themselves. Looking for a wife in China is no different than looking here. Look for someone who is happy with their situation and they will probably be happy here.