Mountains to climb

[egolessvegan]

My wife has been here in the US for over 3 months and frankly it has been quite a rollercoaster ride during this time.

I love her dearly and trying to make her transition to the US as comfortable.

She has a full time job around other Chinese people. We have a nice place to live very close to the ocean and beach. For entertaionment we have DIRECT TV with Chinese stations. She has phone access to friends and family any time of day. I have given her 110% of my love and energy since Day 1. Yet, she still seems unhappy at times with me and our situation. I am keeping a positive mind realizing what we are undertaking is huge.

I read all the great positives from CFL members about their situations. Can we please be real for a moment and maybe relate what are some of the ongoing issues or problems that have presented themselves within your relationship.

Just curious to know if I am the only one going through this.

Ken

 

 

 

[rogerluli]

My wife seems to have adjusted very well after less than 6 weeks here. But there are always some issues to be resolved. It is just not easy for our SOs to make this cultural change. Our little sister has been in the US for 1 1/2 years now and says that the whole first year was difficult for her. There were many times she just wanted to go back to China but she would ask herself if she would be better off here or there and so she toughed it out and now seems quite happy here.

 

It seems that you have done everything right Ken and made a real effort to make your SO happy. I would ask her what she feels are problems yet. What more can you do to make her happy?

 

And finally if you are on CFL for some time you come to realize that not every relationship is going to work. For all of the possible reasons that any relationships don't succeed and for the added ones involved in adjusting to a new culture.

 

Best of luck to you and your SO...

[frank1538]

Jingwen's biggest hurdle was realizing that the "Chinese way" is not the only way. When she first arrived, her view of life in America was fairly negative. Everything was "bu hao". I always corrected her - not bad, just different. It took her a long time to change her views, but she has.

 

Related to this was her initial homesickness. I think that, because things were so different in America, she wanted to retreat to the familiar surroundings of her old home. She did go back to China once (because of her father's death). Since then though, I see a comfort level in her life here in America. As would any mother wanting the best for her children, she is excited about the progress of her kids and about the birth of her daughter's baby, making plans for a "new American", buying things for the house (Chinese decorating styles are a another subject ), and preparing to help raise a grandchild.

 

Has your wife made any new friends, especially ones who are similarly situated, meaning an American/Chinsese couple? Jingwen keeps in touch with Trigg's wife regularly and talks with her friends from China who are married to Americans. They are constantly comparing notes, and I think it is comforting to Jingwen to know that she is not alone in adjusting to her new life.

[Dan R]

Right on Frank !!!!!!!! I see so many friends in this situation like you describe. Husbands sometimes get very upset and sometimes it is out right hostility. Here in L.A. where you can live a Chinese lifestyle easily it is sometimes hard to make the transition as the wife can retreat into Chinese society before seeing another way may be viable. In this, living in an area of few Chinese can make transition easier. Other ways such as not having anything familiar make it difficult. Either way it is not easy for them or us. I'm not there yet but we talk about these problems. Honestly we don't know how either of us will react but we agree to try hard.

[Trigg]

Ken, I think everyone who has had their SO with them in the US will agree that the first year is more than just a little difficult. My wife is one of the strongest humans I have ever met (she has to be, she puts up with me) and she, like so many others, has had her tough times. Like Frank said, her and his wife talk regularly to compare notes and maybe even complain about their hubbies bad habits. This has been a more than cathartic for my wife, it's been a saving grace.

 

It's more than simple homesickness, it is more like world sickness as they have given up an entirely different world to come here.

 

It sounds like you have covered all the bases in getting her assimilated into her new life but like every major life's change you can look at between 1-3 years for it to resolve. I liken it to the grieving process as our SOs certainly have a sense of loss that is akin to loosing a loved one.

 

A comment you made on another post when you discussed purchasing some aid in learning English had me concerned a bit then so this post doesn't take me by surprise. When you said your wife was learning English, and then lost all interest, the words major depression immediately came to mind. Maybe it's just the old shrink blood coming out in me but hell man such a change surely could lead into a chronic depression.

 

If you want to explore that aspect a little deeper PM me and we'll take it from there.

 

Trigg

[david_dawei]

Trigg,

 

Excellent post.. Looking ahead to Zixuan's arrival in the US, I've always consider it more than just a homesickness they will go through.. I think you nailed it ... Thanks.

[Squid]

Wow, this thread will be an excellent way my fiancee could help the community of CFL. Since she spent 8+ years in the USA before going back to China for a year during the visa process, she would be a good resource for you. I will ask her about her being able to give her advice. It might be a few days though as she is flying back to the US the beginning of next week and will take some time to adjust back to the time differences.

[Guest blsqueaky]

Ken, over the time I have seen many post here in CFL about when their SO's come here to the states, and from what I have seen, their age, where they are from lay a factor. When Ling ame to this small little burg, 3200 people, I was woried since she is from GZ. All that I did before she arrived was to let all of my friends know about her, and then after she arrived, she just fit right in with all of the sicko's here ( ). To my knowledge, she never even had a homesick moment, in fact, when she went back home for her fathers death, she could not wait to come back home to the USA, and even got her trip there short.

 

All that I did for Ling was to introduce her, and then just let her go on her own, also introduced her to the meat man, the produce mgr and the vegatable mgr at the local store here, and if she has problem, they will help her.

 

Yes, in the year that Ling has been here, there have been some problems, and she just always says, her english not too good, but if we are out together and I say something, if she not like, I will get hit upside the shoulder, and she says, I understood you.

 

Ken, as things progress, she will be okay. Get her to know some of the other ladies here on CFL. Ling always talkes to Menxin, Triggs, Dean and Carls wife, along with Papa Bear, Donasho, and like Trigg said, I really think that they compare notes

[BuffaloPaul]

Good luck Ken

 

If I remember right whenever there is a major loss in one's life they tend to go through these 5 stages:

 

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance

 

I would think that most people would go through this when they make such a major change in their lives as leaving their country and family. Maybe some counseling would help. I've already spoken to my SO about getting family counseling to deal with new step children and new life. I don't think that this is common in China, but may be worth a try

[ahhming888]

I thought i was the only one on here to having these similiar issues. After reading thru everyones posts about after there SO gets here and how happy everyone is.

I've been so busy since my SO got here that i havent even updated my time line or anything. All the things that i used to do have all been put on hold. Focusing on helping my SO adjust to her new home. She has been here for over a month.

Im so confused sometimes too, not sure what to do. I know she is trying to adjust to her new home.

 

Every night at home she goes into another room with her phone calling her friends, she gets the update on what everyone is doing, what they are planning on doing that night etc... She's been getting up at around 6am in the morning to call back home everyday. This started getting to me so i had a talk with her, since she's has been doing this for over a month. She has a lot of guy friends she talks to also which at first didnt bother me, but once when i walked in while she was talkn( can hear it was guy) she quicky made a excuse that the phone was staticy and told person she would call them back. I had ask her about this and she says she doesnt like other people around when she is on the phone. I understand that she is trying to adapt to her new home, but every night. I told her i would like to spend some time with her to talk about stuff. Its not like im not letting her talk to her friends but every night? We never spend anytime together, since i work all day.

 

Another issue is the paperwork for the greencard, since we already went down to the courthouse and got married. I was hopping to save up some money to submit those forms. She has been getting on my case pratically everyday to start the paperwork for that. Saying her friends that are here had there's started right when they got here. I dont think its gonna be a problem since we already went down to the courhouse to fulfill the 90 day requirement.

 

She got an allowance for $500 from my parents for helping out and what not. My parents was hoping she would save the money and use some of it to help me pay my monthly bills. Instead she bought a digital camera to send back to China. The camera costs close to $400 with shipping to china added. She told me it was for a relative, but at the post ofifce i noticed it was being sent to 'china telephone company' in taishan(the rest was in chinese so i couldnt read it). I asked her why not send it the persons residents, and she gave me no reason, she sending it the business just because.

 

Maybe im over reacting to all this, im just so confused. We got into a argument about all the above. Got the talking on the phone thing resolved, but she still wants me to hurry on the green card app. And im still not sure who she sent that camera to if its really her relative. I've talked her Mom about all this, she said she will talk to her. When she talked to her mom ont he phone, sounded like her mom just told her everything i told her. She just kept saying to her mom she knows what to do.

 

Ive done everything possible to make her happy; got her a cell phone, phone cards, take her where she wants. At grocery she see's something that looks good to her, i let her get. Then she ends up not liking it. We have so much junk foods etc at home now. Take her to asian markets so she can choose the foods she likes. She never seems happy, she complains to her friends when she is on phone about the food, (we eat chinese vegetables) saying that what we are eating in china its considered scraps. She tells her friends she refuses to eat that stuff, rather starve.

 

Guess my questions is; should i be concerned or according to some comments to this post. It maybe normal, looks like maybe it will take a year for everything to smooth out? In the mean time she already is making plans to go back to china to visit for a month in april of next year. Which is about a year from now, which again im not sure is normal or not.

[egolessvegan]

I think we are all finding out that this is more complicated than originally thought. All our situations are different, yet similar.

We have invested our energy and emotions over a long period of time to create the reality of having our fiancees in the USA. Remember what life was like before you met. Don't forget the hell we had to go through with Immigration. What's happening now is just another phase of the entire process. Let's call it Adapting and Adjusting.

From what I am reading from the couples that have been through this already, the rough spots will eventually pass.

Keep the faith, love conquers all!!

Ken

B) B)

[egolessvegan]

THANK YOU TRIGG FOR THE WORDS OF WISDOM.

KEN

B) B)

[ahhming888]

Hopefully everything will pan out Ken! I thought i was the only one having problems after the immigration challenges. Thought the hard part was over, but in a sense it has yet to begin!

[egolessvegan]

Good luck Dan. Keep positive!!

Ken

[ahhming888]

Hopefully...Im hoping for some replys to what i have written to see if im over reating ie...going insane or is everything im experiencing normal?!