china dave

[chinadave2001]

Hi everyone,

I had really hoped that I would never have to write this letter. Today Sarah and I split. She has left, to go stay with family, and then to return home to China. I know that this will come as quite a surprise to many.

We had what many would call a whirlwind romance. Fell in love, got engaged all in five weeks. This timeline was largely dictated by my professional schedule, which required me to return to Connecticut at the end of the summer to teach school. I could not bear the thought of waiting any longer to make this girl mine.

Returning home, and filing for a k1 visa in August of 2002, we then waited 10 months for our visa which was finally realized late last June. During that I became involved wqith CFL which was a great source of support on those many lonely, fustrating nights.

I visited Sarah again in December, and we did the traditional wedding photos - 8 hrs - and an "engagement" dinner as well for about 50 of Sarah's family and friends. Another trip in February, and finally a last trip in June. During these days we did have some misuderstandings and fights, but I always attributed them to the stress of waiting, the distances, involved, and linguistic/cultural difficulties. I truly believed that once we were here that we would be every bit as happy as we were that first summer.

Arriving in June, the arguing and fighting continued. Again, I believed that once we got home all things would be fine.

Once we returned to the USA, the fighting did not stop. If anything, it worsened. And we got stuck in rut, like one of those old family feuds where nobody can remember how it got started. I now began to have doubts about us, but hoped that somehow things would get better.

They never did. Finally, we tried counseling with just 6 weeks remaining.

After four weeks of trying, Sarah has left.

There is a part of me that wants to list all the things that she did wrong, but she probably has a longer list for me.

 

I would say that we made a couple of mistakes.

 

1. We got engaged too soon.

2. We waited way too long to get help.

3. We allowed to many people on the outside to interfere in our relationship.

 

I would also say this - if there are problems in your relationship try as best you can to really examine them. Are they just a cultural/linguistic/communication issue or is something deeper at play here? I think I was too quick to rationalize the warning signs that maybe Sarah and I were not a good fit.

 

How am I doing you ask? well, I am sad and depressed of course. I will miss her. I wish we had given it the full time - we have two weeks left - to see if we couldn't work it out. I do love her, and she has become my best friend. I really regret that we didn't get help earlier - many of our issues were about communication and understanding.

OK, thanks for listening.

[tonado]

Sorry to hear about your separation with Sara. I do agree that engaging too soon is not a good idea. During the short 2 weeks I was in China, I thought I knew my wife (then fiancee) well. Not really. She is a different person. However, we are still in love and together. The best advice is to communicate with your wife.

[Bob & Minglian]

Dave,

 

Yes, that is sad news. I read your post carefully, word for word, and sense decisions have already been made. Yet with two weeks remaining is there possibly a chance, a glimmer of hope, that you and Sarah may still be able to work things out? Without changing either one of you, or the expectation of changing the other, is there any opportunity for the two of you to do things to change the relationship itself? I know it's often much easier for someone on the outside looking in but maybe, just maybe ...

 

Bob

[yanhua]

i would also suggest another 2 weeks trying to work it out before the 90 days expiration. Good luck.

[chinadave2001]

Dave,

 

Yes, that is sad news.  I read your post carefully, word for word, and sense decisions have already been made.  Yet with two weeks remaining is there possibly a chance, a glimmer of hope, that you and Sarah may still be able to work things out?  Without changing either one of you, or the expectation of changing the other, is there any opportunity for the two of you to do things to change the relationship itself?  I know it's often much easier for someone on the outside looking in but maybe, just maybe ...

 

Bob

Thanks Bob and Tony.

No, I don't think she's coming back.

I think that not knowing what the final outcome would be was too fustrating for her.

We ahd lots of issues - and out of respect for Sarah , I will not discuss them in detail. I will say that while they were serious, they were not insumountable. Or at least I thought so. I just wish we hadn't waited so long to go to counseling.

[Jiefly]

I'm so surprised to hear this, Dave. As a member of CFL, I saw lots of your posts. And it's always sad to know some loved ones split...

 

Met, Fell in love, waited for the visa for a long time, got together...I do believe that LOVE is the only thing during all this period.

 

Communication and Understanding may cause problems during the life together... Try to use love to solve all these problems.

 

I once had a hard time with my GG after we were with his parents two years ago. We even talked about "no matter what happens, you will still be my best friend..." But our LOVE to each other solved this easily. We talk openly to each other about everything, every feelings, good or bad, sweet or sad. And this helps to increase our understanding. Sometimes we feel like we have no differences but just man and woman.

 

Try to understand more about Sarah and think more about the relationship. You two have tried so hard to be together. Give LOVE one more chance!!

 

I wish everything would be fine...

 

Maggie

[Jiefly]

Dave,

 

Yes, that is sad news.  I read your post carefully, word for word, and sense decisions have already been made.  Yet with two weeks remaining is there possibly a chance, a glimmer of hope, that you and Sarah may still be able to work things out?  Without changing either one of you, or the expectation of changing the other, is there any opportunity for the two of you to do things to change the relationship itself?  I know it's often much easier for someone on the outside looking in but maybe, just maybe ...

 

Bob

Thanks Bob and Tony.

No, I don't think she's coming back.

I think that not knowing what the final outcome would be was too fustrating for her.

We ahd lots of issues - and out of respect for Sarah , I will not discuss them in detail. I will say that while they were serious, they were not insumountable. Or at least I thought so. I just wish we hadn't waited so long to go to counseling.

May I ask Dave,

 

Have you already had the feeling now that you two would not be a good couple?!

[SBS]

I am so sorry for hearing your story dave. Please dont be too sad. at least you made a lot freinds here on Candle...We will help you through this hard time

Try to speak out the problem and talk to you loved one. I believe that is the best way to understand each other and fix the problem...

[whoever]

Look at how much you two have come through. I would say, just try two more weeks. This is not easy to get to where you are.

 

Just two more weeks.

[chinadave2001]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, suggestions and well wishes.

I do need to clarify one point - Sarah has already left and gone to Houston, then to China. At least that's what I have been told. No matter how much I want to see this thing through to the end of the two weeks, Sarah has made a different choice.

[frank1538]

We are all saddened, Dave, and probably a little frightened too.

 

Our hearts tell us that this can't happen, but we all know that there is always this possibility. Such is life. No guanantees. You followed your heart, and this is always a good thing, no matter what the outcome.

[Mick]

So sorry to hear about this development Dave. As Don mentioned in his post, I too always enjoyed reading the posts you and Sarah made. Also enjoyed all the kidding about Gizmo. I think you have displayed a lot of insight in terms of the three reasons you listed for the break-up. I suspect that each of these issues added to the mix that resulted in the outcome.

 

I know things must be tough for you right now, but there is much support to be had here on Candle and I hope you continue to be an active member of the discussions. Your experiences, though painful, will be valuable to many. As the days pass, be sure to take care of yourself, love yourself, and remember, "this too shall pass". If there is anything we can do, just contact us.

[tywy_99]

I am really sorry to hear this news.

I have always enjoyed reading yours and Sarah's post.

WoW!, what can one really say about such things as this. All I know to say is that I hope it was a somewhat amiable departing and that you look after yourself well.

 

-take care, Dave

[tunger88]

Dave, it's so sad to hear your story. Perhaps there's still a little chance you guys can work this out. Think about all those lonely nights you two had spent away from each others. Do you know where she's staying in Houston? Do you still love her? How do you feel if she's really gone back to China? Please do whatever you can to try to save this relationship. Keep in mind that there's nothing you two can't fixed. Give her a call if you can and at least give it a last try before she's really gone. Good luck

[konajim]

Hi Dave,

It is always sad when I hear of a broken Love. I have been there so I know somewhat how you feel. I am surprised that I do not hear of this more. I think over time people will see that there will be many seperations. One or two years is not very much time. I know it seems like forever when you are waiting as I am now. But over a life time its not much. In five years from now if 8 out of ten couples are still together it is so much better than the national average. lucky if 5 of 10 are still together. To find out early in your relationship that maybe you were not meant to be together. Is much better than to find out later, maybe only staying together out of fear of hurting the other, or maybe it seems more easy to just say nothing. Because of the children I stayed married 15 years, when in 3 years I knew it was over. Sure I loved her but I knew she no longer loved me. When I finally did file for divorce I knew it would just kill me. I was so wrong it set me free. Not just on that paper but my heart was free to find Love again.

I did find that Love in China. If you read my story you know I went to China to meet with another womanI did not have the best feeling when I came home from China that first time about the woman I went too see but she did treat me like a King and she was so beautiful. She wanted to come here and get married. money mostly and some other things had stoped me from filing to bring her here. I applaud both of your courage for not going on when it just didn't seem right. If I would of brought Sunny here I know I would of married her. That would of been a huge mistake..( While I was there I met my true Love Lin Mei. It took us a little while to get together but we know it was and is our Destiny!!!) We are so Happy I truely beleive that I will be in that 50% That is still together. True Love is out there and someone is waiting for you somewhere. Look at all the Great times You had togther and keep those close to your Heart. It's better to have a short time of Fun and Love. Then a Lifetime of sorrow and misery. I wish You both the best forever.

 

Sincerly konajim