Consulate called to inform visa done.. she doesn't want now

[Drew]

Last night the consulate called me to inform me that her Visa is done! My heart was pounding!

 

The lady wanted her updated phone number. She had just changed it earlier this week ironically for better phone reception. I provided it to them. But I'm worried I made a mistake. I mentioned that I needed to call her because she is so upset about everything taking so long, the problems, and saying she doesn't care anymore. I asked the lady if she understood and she said yes. I don't know if I made a mistake or not...

 

I called my fiance and told her the news and she said if they called she would tell them she doesn't care. 18 minutes of conversation though and no one tried to call, so I'm assuming the consulate allowed me to make the call. She has cared less and less with each passing day, week, month..... she just received a blue slip the day prior telling her she must wait another 1-2 months.... and now this phonecall the next day??!!??

 

Last night they wanted to inform her that she must act fast because her medical exam expires Dec 29 and would have to be in the state by Dec 28!! The other option would be to retake the medical exam and then have the visa good for another 6 months. How exactly does that work? She has 6 months to leave? Or 6 months to come here and get married?

 

She tells me she is comfortable in China. Does not want to leave. Her mother and father want her to go and she had wanted before also... until all the problems and only believes our relationship will be full of problems. She tells me that maybe in 1 or 2 years she will "grow up" more and not have the bad feelings she does about everything. She told me I can move to China. She does not want divorce (we are not married yet) and she wants more time. She started talking like this less than a month ago.

 

Last spring though, we almost married because of the problems but then did not because it would create issues. She told me that she had been upset we did not marry.

 

This is all just unbelievable. I have a former coworker there that speaks good English. Her mother has contacted him concerned about what is going on. He has been in touch with me to make sure her mother knows what is happening and to help if possible.

 

She tells me she does not know what "Love is anymore" and the separation has been too long. The government has played games with our lives and she feels why should she go where they treat people like that when she has NEVER had a problem with her country.

 

I am at a total loss right now. I know she won't come before Dec 28 now. I am hoping that she will retake the medical exam and at least have another 6 months or so to figure this out.

 

I don't know what I should do. I want to fly there to talk some sense into her. The last time I saw her was less than 1 week at the end of last May. It was a very bad time because I was going thru the details of trying to get together the information for the I-601 waiver. She hated the constant questioning and continual reiteration of going over her statement. I wanted to make sure I had everything covered in her words.

 

Now that is all done. Everything is ready....... She tells me she does not have the same feelings for me and needs no man in her life. She has plenty of them that have chased her and still chasing. I am her first relationship and the only man that has been allowed to be with her. She told me our relationship has been very important to her but is convinced that she has much more opportunity in China and will be treated better. Her reasoning is that so many foreigners are coming there and so much is happening. Why come to the U.S.? I should go there. She says she will have a house, car, and a good job.

 

I'm an engineer and currently in negotiation for a new job near Houston, TX. $50/hour + Overtime. I don't think there is any comparison.

 

???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!......................

 

I have asked another member on this site to help. Someone that has gone thru the pains of the CPC issue and blue-slip process and understands the frustration. I feel that a phone call might help from someone that can speak her language. She feels like the government targeted her personally and that they don't want her here anyway.

 

Everyone is telling me NOT to call her anymore. I know my friend will be talking with her mother and let me know what I should do.

 

Do I get on a plane and risk the outcome???

[tywy_99]

Do I get on a plane and risk the outcome???

At this time, you have no obligations or commitments. This is to your advantage. She may have lost all hope in this situation and is ready to give up on the relationship.

Fly to her and find out for yourself her true feelings. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. But approach her with confidence and be prepared for the hurt should it be over.

Either it is to be or it isn't. Only you can find this out between the two of you. Personally, I hope you can work it out. Go find out!

 

%%-good luck

[jemmyell]

I believe this is the equivalent of 'packing her bags'. She does NOT want help with this she wants to be told that you love her and need her to come to the USA NOW.

 

-James

[stacato]

You can't make someone love you. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but if you are at a point where you have to convince her to come, then it is bound to happen again. She seems immature,(I don't know how old she is) and not sure of what she wants. Yes the process was harder for you then most, but all the talk about 'not being wanted' and 'being treated badly by the government" etc, are just excuses. If she really wanted to come, none of these issues would have come up.

 

It's up to you, but if someone was playing games like this with me I wouldn't go. But this is just me.

 

Do you think that if she really loved you she would have jumped up and down from joy and happiness when she heard about the good news?

 

I wish you all the best.

[ameriken]

I am probably going to get reamed and cursed at for thinking I am an a$$hole, am 'high and mighty, etc, because I have an completely opposite opinion that sounds cold and uncaring. But, I honestly believe it will help her to decide if she really loves you or not, and you both will know the truth.

 

I believe going to China or convincing her how much she loves you is the worst thing to do. She is already confused, and this will confuse her more and that will make things worse. She already stated she does not have the same feelings for you. She has made other indications that support this. This is serious because anyone who is fully and completely and perhaps 'madly' in love will not say this.

 

You also indicate problems since the spring. This is not a good sign. She may have been feeling this for a while, but was too afraid or confused to say anything. She put it off either hoping the feeling would go away, or maybe that you would go away. But now that the visa is here, it is decision time. And she has decided not to go. You must respect her and her decision.

 

Imagine if this was you...you just dont want to be with her. You tell her it is over, but she keeps coming around to tell you how much she loves you and misses you. How would you feel?

 

Another member went through something similar whose wife reacted the same at visa time, said similar things. He didnt go to China, but I believe he followed the advice to tell her how much he loved her, and he persisted and persisted to the point that she finally gave in and decided to do what he wanted.....go to america. But from his writing...you can tell he is not convinced she loves him. But he did exactly what everyone is telling you to do.

 

If you convince her to come, and her love is not there, you will have bigger problems and more hurts in the future. It will get worse if you marry. You cannot force or convince someone to love you. It must be natural.

 

So, I suggest that you do the opposite: back off and get out of the picture. Tell her you love her and dont want to lose her, but also tell her you respect her decision, and understand, and you are going to back off so you both can move on with your lives. Tell her you will not bother her and wish her the best and that you hope she finds her true love.

 

Once you back off, and she sees you moving on, it takes the pressure off her. Without the pressure, she can think more clearly. You have told her you love her.....and.....if she really really, truly loves you and senses she is losing you......she will find you and tell you and will not let you go. But she must do this on her own. It must be her freewill and choice. Not the result of persuasion by you, another member, a friend, or family.

 

It must be her free choice with no persuasion.

 

If she does not love you, she will never come back and you will save yourself and her months, maybe years of hardship and you both are free to find true love. That is NOT cold and uncaring. I see that as the best for everyone involved.

 

Anyway, I heard an expression that I hope helps. For myself and others, I have seen this turn out to be pretty accurate:

 

If your bird wants to fly......let it fly. If you close your hand to keep it...you will crush it.

 

So, let the bird be free.

 

If the bird does not come back, it was never yours.

 

But if it does come back........it will always be yours.

 

Whatever you do, I sincerely wish you both the best......

[Guest Paul]

Dear Sir:

 

First, let me say how sorry I am you are having to experience this. Secondly, it might be the best thing you two did not marry earlier. After reading your post it is MHO that your relationship was not real from the start - please don't be offended, this is only my opinion and it is based only on what I read in your post. But if your marriage whth her was meant to be nothing would be able to stop you two from being together, nothing, including the amount of time it takes for her to come here. It seems she is putting up a lot of smoke screens of reasons why she does not want to come here but those reasons probably are different from the actual ones. Man, she has apparently changed her mind and no amount of money you throw at the situation will change things. Pay attention to what she is telling you, then, sit back and SEE what happens. She may be saving you a lot of money, not that it's all about money, but keep your eyes and ears open and you may find she is saving you a great deal of heartache down the road as well.

 

Wheel Man

Edited December 16, 2006 by donahso (see edit history)

[stacato]

I am probably going to get reamed and cursed at for thinking I am an a$$hole, am 'high and mighty, etc, because I have an completely opposite opinion that sounds cold and uncaring. But, I honestly believe it will help her to decide if she really loves you or not, and you both will know the truth.

 

I believe going to China or convincing her how much she loves you is the worst thing to do. She is already confused, and this will confuse her more and that will make things worse. She already stated she does not have the same feelings for you. She has made other indications that support this. This is serious because anyone who is fully and completely and perhaps 'madly' in love will not say this.

 

You also indicate problems since the spring. This is not a good sign. She may have been feeling this for a while, but was too afraid or confused to say anything. She put it off either hoping the feeling would go away, or maybe that you would go away. But now that the visa is here, it is decision time. And she has decided not to go. You must respect her and her decision.

 

Imagine if this was you...you just dont want to be with her. You tell her it is over, but she keeps coming around to tell you how much she loves you and misses you. How would you feel?

 

Another member went through something similar whose wife reacted the same at visa time, said similar things. He didnt go to China, but I believe he followed the advice to tell her how much he loved her, and he persisted and persisted to the point that she finally gave in and decided to do what he wanted.....go to america. But from his writing...you can tell he is not convinced she loves him. But he did exactly what everyone is telling you to do.

 

If you convince her to come, and her love is not there, you will have bigger problems and more hurts in the future. It will get worse if you marry. You cannot force or convince someone to love you. It must be natural.

 

So, I suggest that you do the opposite: back off and get out of the picture. Tell her you love her and dont want to lose her, but also tell her you respect her decision, and understand, and you are going to back off so you both can move on with your lives. Tell her you will not bother her and wish her the best and that you hope she finds her true love.

 

Once you back off, and she sees you moving on, it takes the pressure off her. Without the pressure, she can think more clearly. You have told her you love her.....and.....if she really really, truly loves you and senses she is losing you......she will find you and tell you and will not let you go. But she must do this on her own. It must be her freewill and choice. Not the result of persuasion by you, another member, a friend, or family.

 

It must be her free choice with no persuasion.

 

If she does not love you, she will never come back and you will save yourself and her months, maybe years of hardship and you both are free to find true love. That is NOT cold and uncaring. I see that as the best for everyone involved.

 

Anyway, I heard an expression that I hope helps. For myself and others, I have seen this turn out to be pretty accurate:

 

If your bird wants to fly......let it fly. If you close your hand to keep it...you will crush it.

 

So, let the bird be free.

 

If the bird does not come back, it was never yours.

 

But if it does come back........it will always be yours.

 

Whatever you do, I sincerely wish you both the best......

 

 

Great post Kenn. Words of wisdom. OP will have to exercise self discipline and strong will power. If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

[Cerberus]

I am probably going to get reamed and cursed at for thinking I am an a$$hole, am 'high and mighty, etc, because I have an completely opposite opinion that sounds cold and uncaring. But, I honestly believe it will help her to decide if she really loves you or not, and you both will know the truth.

 

I believe going to China or convincing her how much she loves you is the worst thing to do. She is already confused, and this will confuse her more and that will make things worse. She already stated she does not have the same feelings for you. She has made other indications that support this. This is serious because anyone who is fully and completely and perhaps 'madly' in love will not say this.

 

You also indicate problems since the spring. This is not a good sign. She may have been feeling this for a while, but was too afraid or confused to say anything. She put it off either hoping the feeling would go away, or maybe that you would go away. But now that the visa is here, it is decision time. And she has decided not to go. You must respect her and her decision.

 

Imagine if this was you...you just dont want to be with her. You tell her it is over, but she keeps coming around to tell you how much she loves you and misses you. How would you feel?

 

Another member went through something similar whose wife reacted the same at visa time, said similar things. He didnt go to China, but I believe he followed the advice to tell her how much he loved her, and he persisted and persisted to the point that she finally gave in and decided to do what he wanted.....go to america. But from his writing...you can tell he is not convinced she loves him. But he did exactly what everyone is telling you to do.

 

If you convince her to come, and her love is not there, you will have bigger problems and more hurts in the future. It will get worse if you marry. You cannot force or convince someone to love you. It must be natural.

 

So, I suggest that you do the opposite: back off and get out of the picture. Tell her you love her and dont want to lose her, but also tell her you respect her decision, and understand, and you are going to back off so you both can move on with your lives. Tell her you will not bother her and wish her the best and that you hope she finds her true love.

 

Once you back off, and she sees you moving on, it takes the pressure off her. Without the pressure, she can think more clearly. You have told her you love her.....and.....if she really really, truly loves you and senses she is losing you......she will find you and tell you and will not let you go. But she must do this on her own. It must be her freewill and choice. Not the result of persuasion by you, another member, a friend, or family.

 

It must be her free choice with no persuasion.

 

If she does not love you, she will never come back and you will save yourself and her months, maybe years of hardship and you both are free to find true love. That is NOT cold and uncaring. I see that as the best for everyone involved.

 

Anyway, I heard an expression that I hope helps. For myself and others, I have seen this turn out to be pretty accurate:

 

If your bird wants to fly......let it fly. If you close your hand to keep it...you will crush it.

 

So, let the bird be free.

 

If the bird does not come back, it was never yours.

 

But if it does come back........it will always be yours.

 

Whatever you do, I sincerely wish you both the best......

 

 

Great post Kenn. Words of wisdom. OP will have to exercise self discipline and strong will power. If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

Ken,

 

At least at the "reaming" you will have company. Statco, myself and you. I couldn't agree more with every word that you have said. Perhaps, in the future they will find a way back together once the pressure is off. Look at M-coon's story. These things do happen!

 

Drew, I cannot experience or even try to understand the feelings that you must be going through right now. All I can say is, that I'm sorry for both of you. It is likely little comfort to you, right now. Perhaps, it better to find this problem now (even if it is ill-timed), than have the problem surface one or two years later in the US. I suspect that both of you, would have been miserable up until the end, with the same problem that you have discovered right now.

 

I know that is small comfort to you. I feel that both of you have lost something precious. You have lost a loving and caring woman/wife. She has lost a caring, responsible and loving man.

 

Again, my condolences.

 

Dave

[homer j]

Better to find out now than latter. She's already made her decision.

[Guest Duke]

 

Everyone is telling me NOT to call her anymore. I know my friend will be talking with her mother and let me know what I should do.

 

Do I get on a plane and risk the outcome???

 

Drew,

 

Only YOU know enough about your relationship to be in a position to make that decision. What's missing for any of us to be of much help is anything from you about the good things in your relationship ever or since your last visit.

 

I'm not one of those hopelessly romantic guys who believes "love" is a "thing" that is either real or not real. I don't think this elusive "thing" is a gaurantee of anything at all except strong emotions. I think of love as much more than a noun. I think love is more of a verb, a thing you DO, and for many Chinese women it is a thing they decide to do BECAUSE you have decided to do it. The strong and lasting romantic feelings, emotion and connection often come later, after loving has been "done" on both sides.

 

I couldn't imagine going through everything you have and just walking away without seeing the woman again but then again I don't want to imagine it. If I were in your shoes, I'd search my own soul as honestly as I could and examine the relationship as honestly as I could. If you feel like the relationship is worth saving on the basis of the relationship itself, then by all means go see the woman and "love" her. Observe the result.

 

If she actually changes her mind and "wants" to go through with immigration and marriage to YOU then you have a good chance for happiness. On the other hand, if there is no commitment, if she hasn't decided to love YOU, (whether you go see her or not) then you've learned another of life's many hard lessons, none of us wish on each other.

 

Whatever you decide, please know that you have friend here who can relate.

[RLS]

Drew:

I can't add much. Ken said it all. His bird metaphor is a good one. Let her fly. She might head off in a straight line or she might circle and come back. But, the important thing is to let her fly. You will get through this. My best wishes for the best possible outcome.

[Randy W]

In a long distance relationship like ours, it is very easy to 'lose it' due to things external to the relationship. You become frustrated with the process, you hear bad stories from other people on Candle or from your friends

 

My advice is to subtract - everywhere where someone says either "yes she does" or "no she doesn't" - from the advice above and listen to your own heart and remember what it was like the last time you saw her.

 

My guess is you'll want to get on a plane to go see her. You have nothing to lose except the relationship.

[phantom1949]

I am so sorry this is happening to anyone/ Chinese culture is so different from our. Especially since I an a New Yorker, we express everything and then try to work it out. Chinese culture seems so much more suttle.

 

What heard you say is per her, her feelings have changed. That could be her letting you down easy, OR, being confused. She seems to be looking at options otherwise she would not be talking about other men chasing her or being available? and she would not be talking about the quality of her life there verses being her. The real comparison is being with you or without you.I

 

I sort of believe in a middle of the road approach. Play hard to get and you will most likely loose her as she could take that as you do not care whether she comes or not, and that is not love.

 

I would go to see her and as was said be prepared to be hurt. BUT, I would not to convince her to come to America (that would be a mistake) but to go and talk to her, to show her you do care and to listen to her. NO PRESSURE ON HER.

 

If you spent a week together and she still feels the same way of WHO CARES then you have loved and lost - come home, lick your wounds and look again when you are ready.

 

I read a wise saying once that goes something like this:

 

If you love someone, it means nothing,

If someone loves you, it means something,

If you love each other, it means everything.

 

You cannot force her to love you. If you force her to come here and her heart is not in love with you, then you will get hurt even worse later on.

 

We have all been hurt so it is no laughing matter. Follow yuo heart and go see her, but let her know ther is no pressure. Either she finds that love in her heart and you guys rekindle the relationship or youare better to let her go.

 

She is either immature or calculating her worth to you and to others. Only you will know when you meet her again, if she loves you.

 

But not forcing the issue will be very hard on you.

 

Good luck in whatever you do. I do agree if you do not go, you will wonder for the rest of your life, WHAT IF..........

[Drew]

The part I mentioned of her telling me other men have and are chasing her should be better explained.

 

She has repeatedly told me she does not care or have interest in another man. She said she does not need a man. I am the only one she has been with and she feels that if she does not marry me she would be by herself for a very long time. In fact she chose the words "forever" because she does not want to be with anyone else.

 

She told me she still wears the ring and will not take it off unless I get married to someone else.

 

She wanted me to move there so that we could get to know each other better before actual marrying. She does not like the pressure of having to marry me so fast if she comes here.

 

I do not doubt her disinterest in other guys. She mentioned to me the rich men that want her and can never have her to prove to me that it has nothing to do with money.

 

I could go on about a man whose family owns a company the equivalent of GE in China that was trying to whoo her for 2 years. She chose me over him when we first got together. Turned out one of my coworkers knew who he was and ...Man... it had me worried for sometime. I will say no more about that.

 

Anyway. She talked with my mother also last week for over an hour on the phone and even asked if she could ocme to China to meet her and her family.

 

There have been alot of things that have been said, things that have happened, etc.

 

I agree with leaving her alone for now. My friend there will inform her mother of the total circumstances surrounding the reality of the visa and if she chooses not to complete it with the reality that she will probably never have the opportunity again should she change her mind at a later time. My friend's intervention is as far as I can see for now.

 

Some months from now, a call to her to see how she responds and probably plan a trip in early February as a surprise. I can then see her face to face after long silence and see what happens.

 

For now, I've asked my friend to inform the mother how important it is to ensure all the documents of mine are kept together including the latest letter received from the consulate so that something will be able to be done.

 

For now.... silence... let her fly away on her own and see if she comes back. I can only see. She has unfortunately taken the direction she has but I have seen this from her before. She acts like a child sometimes and needs to be told what to do... repeatedly before coming off her high horse. She feels like she has been treated like a poor person having to beg for the visa thru this process and she feels belittled.

 

What she fails to recognize is that I was the one who did most of the work.

 

I think with some time alone she will either come around.... or fly away. Seeing her face to fact though is a necessity. She wants to keep the relationship with me calling on the phone and has repeatedly asked I wait for one or maybe 2 years so that she can "grow up" as I said earlier. She is completely against divorce and explained thoroughly to my mother her concern about our relationship having troubles due to the problems from separation and the visa process.

 

I will wait.... then take the plunge.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I feel I am trying to combine the comments of everyone.

 

Drew

[Yuanyang]

I am probably going to get reamed and cursed at for thinking I am an a$$hole, am 'high and mighty, etc, because I have an completely opposite opinion that sounds cold and uncaring. But, I honestly believe it will help her to decide if she really loves you or not, and you both will know the truth.

 

I believe going to China or convincing her how much she loves you is the worst thing to do. She is already confused, and this will confuse her more and that will make things worse. She already stated she does not have the same feelings for you. She has made other indications that support this. This is serious because anyone who is fully and completely and perhaps 'madly' in love will not say this.

 

You also indicate problems since the spring. This is not a good sign. She may have been feeling this for a while, but was too afraid or confused to say anything. She put it off either hoping the feeling would go away, or maybe that you would go away. But now that the visa is here, it is decision time. And she has decided not to go. You must respect her and her decision.

 

Imagine if this was you...you just dont want to be with her. You tell her it is over, but she keeps coming around to tell you how much she loves you and misses you. How would you feel?

 

Another member went through something similar whose wife reacted the same at visa time, said similar things. He didnt go to China, but I believe he followed the advice to tell her how much he loved her, and he persisted and persisted to the point that she finally gave in and decided to do what he wanted.....go to america. But from his writing...you can tell he is not convinced she loves him. But he did exactly what everyone is telling you to do.

 

If you convince her to come, and her love is not there, you will have bigger problems and more hurts in the future. It will get worse if you marry. You cannot force or convince someone to love you. It must be natural.

 

So, I suggest that you do the opposite: back off and get out of the picture. Tell her you love her and dont want to lose her, but also tell her you respect her decision, and understand, and you are going to back off so you both can move on with your lives. Tell her you will not bother her and wish her the best and that you hope she finds her true love.

 

Once you back off, and she sees you moving on, it takes the pressure off her. Without the pressure, she can think more clearly. You have told her you love her.....and.....if she really really, truly loves you and senses she is losing you......she will find you and tell you and will not let you go. But she must do this on her own. It must be her freewill and choice. Not the result of persuasion by you, another member, a friend, or family.

 

It must be her free choice with no persuasion.

 

If she does not love you, she will never come back and you will save yourself and her months, maybe years of hardship and you both are free to find true love. That is NOT cold and uncaring. I see that as the best for everyone involved.

 

Anyway, I heard an expression that I hope helps. For myself and others, I have seen this turn out to be pretty accurate:

 

If your bird wants to fly......let it fly. If you close your hand to keep it...you will crush it.

 

So, let the bird be free.

 

If the bird does not come back, it was never yours.

 

But if it does come back........it will always be yours.

 

Whatever you do, I sincerely wish you both the best......

I agree with you. If you have to beg at this point what will it be like once she's here?

I do wish the best for Drew and respect his decision whatever it may be.

Good Luck!