Money, and the apparent obsession with it

[Ann oni moose]

My SO and I correspond almost every day by email and a few times a week by phone.

 

Every couple of months, my SO gets together with friends and they gossip. One of the topics that comes up is mney, and how much each SO receives from their American SO. In the discussions, it seems that the more they get the better the husband. I apparently fall in the lower end of this bracket, because I committed to give my SO $150 each month, because they have a job. Other SO's do not work, and get $250, but I was told many of the SO's get $400, so they are good spouses. Then I was asked to give more. I agreed, but I mentioned how unhappy I was (I am pretty pissed, to be honest, but I tempered my reply) that they gossip about money and how much each gets. I told my SO it was unfair to everyone to have a SO's quality judged by money. I said that that love and devotion were much more important than money. To me that couldn't be more true. I personally hate talking about money.

 

I mean I know that money is a huge factor for an SO to up and leave their homeland to come to the US. They want to know they will have comfort when they come.

 

I'm nervous about this trend, and wondering if I should be even more concerned than I already am. Feedback from US and Chinese SO's on this topic would be WONDERFUL.

 

Thanks!

 

AoM

[MoonCarolCafe]

In the discussions, it seems that the more they get the better the husband.

No good can come of these discussions.

 

It's like 16-year old boys discussing the number of women they have slept with. Numbers are going to get inflated.

 

Each woman will want to impress the others with how much she is sent, and you can bet that the first one to say "I get $200/month" will be one-upped by the next who say "I get $250/month".

 

This isn't just cultural. It's human nature.

[MoonCarolCafe]

I mean I know that money is a huge factor for an SO to up and leave their homeland to come to the US. They want to know they will have comfort when they come.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

 

Why would you assume that money is a huge factor for your SO, or even SO's in general? Why move to a strange land, with a much higher cost of living, where you don't know the language or customs, just for money? Ask yourself these two related questions:

 

1) Would you be willing to immigrate to China for your SO? That's what you are asking your SO to do for you.

 

2) Would your SO stay with you even if you would rather stay in China in stead of having your SO move to the USA?

 

I see what might be a red flag. I can't say for certain which of you may be waving it.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Intuition is an indispensible tool that should be used to weed out the gold digger. While China is not immune to this dilemma I believe that you will find the it's far more prevalent in European countries, especially the US. My SO never once asked for money. Not once. There is a true bond between us that is rarely found in life.

[frank1538]

As moon says, it's both cultural and human nature. But, I will add this. I have noticed that Chinese women talk about money, wages, salary, etc. as freely as American men talk about cars. Also, I've seen a lot of "oneupsmanship" among the Chinese women. Whether this is human nature or a cultural "face" thing, I really don't know - I suspect a little of both. I joke about this sometimes, but if Jingwen has talked to any Chinese wife currently residing in the US, I could probably tell you how much the husband makes and what he buys for her, and her husband could probably say the same about me.

[LeeFisher3]

In different parts of China you will find cultural differences. Before coming to the US my wife would not allow me to pay for anything in China and we had a long discussion about this and the appearance it presented.

 

I know that others have supported their SO while they specifically went to school but I would advise caution.

 

If it was me and I was being asked to provide additional funds to keep up with the Lee's(Jones in the US) then I'd probably want to ask if she was marrying me or my money.

 

This is something that could just be innocent or an indicator. Personally conversations like that bother me.

[pkfops]

On all of my visits to China I had to report on how much I paid for

airfare, hotel etc. to my SO and her sisters. I was either given

a thumbs up or told I paid too much.

 

When we toured Jinghong I got a very nice hotel for $32.

I was a hero for that. I still had to hide around the corner

when she went in the tourist shops though. $$$$$$$

[sylinchinastill]

I don't think you should have to give her money while she is still in China- she was living before she met you and there is no reason why she wouldn't be able to live after she meets you. Unless she has quit working to learn english or something I think this is a huge red flag. I think the main problem with this is that it could fall through- and I've seen it happen after people have spent a lot of money.

[msmckee]

On all of my visits to China I had to report on how much I paid for

airfare, hotel etc. to my SO and her sisters. I was either given

a thumbs up or told I paid too much.

164824[/snapback]

My expenses were reported to father-mother-sisters as well. I think this was mostly as evidence of my good intentions and proof of ability to care for Yue when she came to America. If Father doesn't approve, all bets are off

 

I did send her a little money from time to time even though we weren't married and she still worked. She never asked for money, but she was alway glad to get it. I was happy to send it.

[notrevorich]

My SO has never asked for money ,she has a good job before she met me and she doesn't need to take English classes since she teaches them .

 

Asking for Money is for me a huge red flag .

I ended a relationship with a Chinese woman because that seemed to be a topic of discussion just too many times and my intution told me that something was wrong .

If they were getting along before you met them ,then why do they suddenly need money ?

I have no problem spending several hundred dollars buying my SO clothes

or computers/ printers and giving some gifts to her parents .

But I have never felt that her primary interest in me was money /she does want a companion some safety and a better and happier life

but so do I

and so would anyone else that has at least 3 functioning neurons.

[skibum]

I agree, notrevorich. But Moose got suckered - instead of sending more money, just have her say that you are sending more!

[Chad]

The topic of money is most definatley going to come up. Your SO has the right to know what kind of life to have. But, if that is the main subject that is tlaked about and says, or implies, that to be a good husband you must send her money, and then more money. That is a red flag.

 

My SO has always said we are team. If she can stay home a raise babies, as she puts it great. If she need to get job and help with money she is happy to do that.

[skibum]

I would not worry that it is a red flag, money is just a way of keeping score with the women. iBut why do you start sending money anyway?

[chef4u]

I agree with the above excellent advice. If money was used as a measurement of me by my SO with her buds and thus I needed to send more money.....see ya!! We have discussed financial matters as couples should. My SO has never ask me for money. Have I sent money to her? Yep. Has she ever refused to take money if I asked if she needed money? Yep. So, as previously said above, I think it is your own gut check and some common sense. Just my opinion...

[Thomas Promise]

I Helped my SO out financially with here English lessons as well as some of her living expenses due to the fact she had to work partime because of her English lessons. I had reservations about this at 1st but I saw her effort she was doing and how well she was doing and improving on her English. So I figured she was going to move here to America and she was giving up her homeland for me I should help her out. I also asked myself when I was in China with her my money was no good. I even tried on picking up the tab but she would not accept anything from me. When we where together in China she did for me. Now I am doing for her. Thats what its all about isn't? Doing for each other.

But if you SO is doing to you I would say Ciao Baby or Zai Jian. If she is doing to you she is nothing but a manipulator. You have to be the judge of this.