Angry SO

[rogerluli]

I just don't agree (sitting in my favorite arm-chair, surrounded by empty cheeto bags)...

 

This is in response to the Maureen Dowd thingie.

[rogerluli]

We have both wondered what our first fight will be about, hasn't happened yet. She said she has been asking a friend who is married to an American how they argue.  I told her I don't hit but when I asked if she does, she said maybe.   .  I think arguing style is a real concern for the SOs because they hear so much about violence in America.

My SO and I have agreed to never argue. After being married twice before I have figured it out guys. There are two parts to this...

 

First - Pick the right woman...

 

Second - Do everything she tells you to...

 

 

Any questions ?

Well Don you have the first part right. You've picked the right woman. Now you just have to go along with part 2 of my equation and everything will be better. Trust me on this Don...

Just can't do that - I still have to be me.

Do you (if you're old enough) remember the Burma-Shave signs along roads? There was one I will always remember, "He was right, all right, as he drove along, but he's just as dead, as if he'd been wrong."

 

Surrender to the higher power Don. Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream...

The thing I always heard from a counseler was "would you rather be right or be happy?"

Yeah I actually thought of that one first Paul but decided to use the more esoteric one. Do great minds work in the same way...or...

are we just the "simple man" lumbering about

with his puny y chromosome...sheeesh...pass me the cold pizza wudya...

[BuffaloPaul]

I just don't agree (sitting in my favorite arm-chair, surrounded by empty cheeto bags)...  

 

This is in response to the Maureen Dowd thingie.

Yeah, Maureen hates men. Especially since she can't seem to find one to suit her.

[david_dawei]

You have to understand that we are both very strong willed and stubborn as any mule alive.

 

A real Chinese wife will protect you like a mother bear. But, she has a mind of her own and isn't afraid to let you know what is on her mind. My only regret is that I didn't meet her many years ago.

Here is the rule of thumb [for chinese ladies]:

1) Forget that you thought at one time in your life (maybe when really drunk), that you understand women

2) Forget anything any western woman has told you or how she has treated you

3) Realize that only the moment exists (we can start another thread on whether it exists or not).. now we're moving eastern...

4) Chinese do not like to explain themselves, it just "is".

5) Remember why you fell in love with her... if you can explain it, then something is wrong.

6) Read the quoted section.. then start at #1 again.

[Dan R]

You have to understand that we are both very strong willed and stubborn as any mule alive.

 

A real Chinese wife will protect you like a mother bear. But, she has a mind of her own and isn't afraid to let you know what is on her mind. My only regret is that I didn't meet her many years ago.

Here is the rule of thumb [for chinese ladies]:

1) Forget that you thought at one time in your life (maybe when really drunk), that you understand women

2) Forget anything any western woman has told you or how she has treated you

3) Realize that only the moment exists (we can start another thread on whether it exists or not).. now we're moving eastern...

4) Chinese do not like to explain themselves, it just "is".

5) Remember why you fell in love with her... if you can explain it, then something is wrong.

6) Read the quoted section.. then start at #1 again.

Don have we met in China? Sounds like you know both of us.

[david_dawei]

we have all meet in a previous life... we just don't know it.

[oregonknl]

Well...

 

...... in the waining years of the last century, I had a correspondence some with Maureen Dowd...

 

She seemed totally reasonable to me, and while it is true, that I think her edge has hardened somewhat .... (beginning with the most recent Gulf war), and certainly in the run-up to the second term.... I still happen to respect her...

 

She has always written on the edge of pop-culture ---- sort of pushing the interface of that which is ridiculous in politics with that which is ridiculous in pop culture, science WHATEVER... (hope all you LL fans caught that..)

 

So I see this column very much true to form....

[ptcrusier333rph]

I understand how you feelon judging women base on your ex, i dated about 3 women before I met Thoa, each one I dump within a few weeks because I focus on 1 time that seem to remind me of my ex. I do have to say the last one I dated i ended up friends with and help me work through my trust issues.

What I find interesting about Thoa is, I have not even thought about anything she does that remind me of my ex, even more funnier Thoa got upset when i couldn't remember my ex first name took me a hour to finally remember, I was laughing so hard about forgetting my ex name, I was smling for a week.

Thoa thought it was terrible I forget her name after being marry to the woman for 3 year.

Told her that for the first time in my life it felt good to find a woman that make you forget your ex.

 

Robert

[david_dawei]

Chinese are good at no mentioning the past... not mentioning the future... but experiencing the present. Stay in the present and you will understand your SO.

This may be the hardest lesson I've learned, but I'm determined to free myself from the western chains...

[shimaore]

sorry mate but China is the loudest country on the planet earth ( scientifically measured _ hehehe ) so over populated u need to make sure people hear you coming ..

[frank1538]

My SO got very angry with me last night. It really shocked me. She was very angry over a pretty mild subject.

 

I never saw her like that and it scared the heck out of me. Is it that chinese when they get angry, they get very "loud"? I didn't really respond to her.

 

I have to say it shook me up. The mild manners and disposition is a main reason, i'm attracted to the Asian woman... am I over reacting?? It really shook my confidence in us. Are my expectations too high?

I think there's a little Jekyll and Hyde in all of us, including Asian women. Jingwen can be as meek as they come one minute and yelling at the top of her lungs the next. Usually, she is meekest around strangers and most vocal around family. If your SO is anythings like Jingwen, you are now family to her.

 

Jingwen's anger is expressed in one of two totally opposite ways - silence and yelling. Usually, it starts with yelling and then moves to total silence - not unlike many people. I have never expected her reactions to be any different just because she was from China. They aren't but the degree to which he reactions are expressed does vary. How those vocal chords can put out some much sound is still beyond me.

[chinadave2001]

My SO got very angry with me last night. It really shocked me. She was very angry over a pretty mild subject.

 

I never saw her like that and it scared the heck out of me. Is it that chinese when they get angry, they get very "loud"? I didn't really respond to her.

 

I have to say it shook me up. The mild manners and disposition is a main reason, i'm attracted to the Asian woman... am I over reacting?? It really shook my confidence in us. Are my expectations too high?

I'm going to give you a different perspective. Maybe this is how she really handles such things. Are you prepared to live like that? Some folks can handle it - just look at their posts above. I was not able to. If she gets that upset over a mild thing, whats going to happen when there is real stress in your relationship? I grew up in a house where there was lots of yelling and anger all the time and there was no way in hell I was going to spend the rest of my life that way.

I think only you can judge the "truth" of your situation. The rest of us can only speculate as we do not know the individuals involved. It's easy to say generalizations like "Chinese women do this or that" but they are all different, just like any other group of human beings.

Search your feelings, talk to her about it, spend some more time with her.

My two jiao.

Good Luck!

CD

[Feathers268]

In China, I saw a few times when Jennifer got very angry with people trying to take advantage of me as a westerner. I don't know what she said, but I could tell by the other person's reaction, it certainly made her point.

Our one "argument" was over money I sent via western union, and the problem she kept saying needed fixing, WU kept insisting on something else. I was really frustrating her and she let me know. After it was resolved there was apologies on both sides and if anything I think we are a little closer because of it.

Everyone is different, but I would much rather she says something no matter how minor I might think it is than keep it inside and let it fester. B) But the, being a son of an Italian mother, I am used to being called on anything she is upset with, no matter how minor. Atleast I know when she is mad at me.

[sylinchinastill]

I definitely think the mild-mannered Chinese woman thing is an over-generalization. I have met many women in China who will go off. I've seen women go off in the bank, grocery store, etc.- for the most part the ways I have seen Chinese people go off is much different than how people here do it. Most Americans I know only get really angry in the comfort of their own homes- but in China I have seen people do it in public- often. One time I saw this fight between two women and one woman had slept with the other's husband. They were pulling each other's hair. It rocked. I mean, it was sad for them. But anyone who has been in China knows how many people were standing around watching them with open mouths. And I joined the crowd because for once the big event wasn't my blonde hair. My SO's mother was like that. She would yell- and sometimes he says really extreme things in the heat of the moment and then says it is because of her that he does so. I don't buy that for a second. My dad is a big yeller too. He used to be really scary, but now he is older and calmer. I think yelling and dealing with your problems that way is definitely a learned response- but I think also that anger-management and counseling and the things we in the US do if we have an anger thing isn't an option for Chinese people- many do not believe in the social sciences and the idea of going to someone to talk out their feelings is preposterous. So think long and hard about how much this anger comes up- and if you can or want to deal with it. Personally I don't know how much it is worth it- Life is short- live happily.

[Dan R]

I agree with most of what you say but think perhaps they don't need anger management because they are doing it effectively. The pressure valve releases the pressure and things quiet down. This is actually preferrable if handled in socially acceptable ways (yelling over small things seems to do that in China) and is part of many cultures. Martial Arts training in Asia has also been an acceptable outlet and actually trains redirecting the energy to positive use. I have doubts about American anger management techniques as simply defusing without being productive. I have seen more work groups with anger management sessions fall apart than come together. The secret is in not holding the anger to grow over time.

 

These observations many have made on personal levels may explain a lot about the demonstrations over Japan currently going on in China including how the government may regard them.