american woman/chinese man

[awch]

I just wanted to add that this site will not be competitive to CFL. In fact,

it won't really be a visa based site at all but much more of a relationship based site. here are the 2 main areas i want to focus on:

 

1. living abroad- i think most women dating foreign guys end up living with them or met them in another country.... so i want to focus on difficulties and challanges of that. also of having your SO live in the US and adjusting to life there

 

2. families- i really want to have a section on cross cultural families and parenting. i think women are more concerned with this than men- we can talk about stuff like bi-lingual families, sharing cultural values, holidays, ect.

 

Any more ideas, let me know!

[maiyademama]

Hey ladies here is an article I read on PBS recently...

Thought you would be interested...Sorry that it is so long

 

East Meets West Meets Us

I met and married my husband in little more than a year. We held our new baby in our arms 9 months and 1 week (to the day) after our wedding.

 

We didn't have time to consider all of the ramifications of a marriage between a Chinese man and a WASP American woman. We decided that no matter what came up, we would and could deal with it.

 

As it turned out, both of my parents were "too busy" to travel to our wedding party, but my husband's Chinese parents accepted their American daughter-in-law with aplomb. They came halfway around the world to visit and help us out the first year of our baby's life, no small deed that!

 

In five years we've had our ups and downs, mostly ups. We're our own best friends probably because we've had a tough time finding couples that will accept both cultures. In particular, some of the white husbands of my girlfriends refuse to socialize with my husband, and when we get together with his Chinese friends, I am the only American. During these gatherings I've been subjected to relentless criticism of American life. When we've given parties, the guests mixed like oil and water. I didn't mind any of this until a Chinese "friend" made a rude comment about my child at a party and the other Chinese women giggled. I ignored the crack as it was borne of envy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of character and integrity of the group. The pack instinct had taken over. I knew that my few trustworthy friends were rare and valuable.

 

In restaurants we've had a few problems: a white male waiter in Virginia Beach refused to serve us (I complained to the owner on the way out); once a white couple with children got up to move away (I felt the long stare first and then heard the nervous comments); and once a white man at the next table made loud comments sharing his disapproval of mixed marriages while his wife and daughter tried unsuccessfully to shush him (by way of apology, the women commented on our cute baby). On a few occasions white people behind counters have spoken only to me, and, of course, there have been countless times we have been standing next to each other in line and people assumed we were not together. My gentle, tolerant husband usually ignores it, but it bugs me. I want him to see the best of American culture and people, not feel ashamed as I was in these cases.

 

As his fellow countrymen struggle for democratic freedoms, we live in a country where most of our rights are taken for granted -- and exploited. I have to worry about neo-nazi crazies who kill "nonwhites" at random like that idiot in L.A. who murdered the Asian-American postal worker. I have a bi-racial child and an Asian husband to think about. And, yes, I have a much greater understanding and appreciation of the fear and anger of people of color.

 

Fortunately, I married a thoughtful, intelligent man who brought to the marriage the warmest, closest, and most accepting family I have ever met. I know that if my child can't find peace in America, we can live in China with loving paternal grandparents. But I want my child to grow up here without fear. I want my child to feel proud of being part of the nation that is the greatest cultural and racial experiment in the history of the world.

 

Even so, life goes on. I no longer notice the stares and head swivels (getting a good look at the bi-racial product -- my beautiful kid). Now I concentrate on my own life and the success and happiness of my family. And I rejoice in meeting other bi-racial and bi-cultural couples hoping that we won't seem so unique to the next generation.

 

[Jason+Joanna]

Thanks for posting such an interesting article. Very interesting, and eye opening ... and thought the calendar said "2004", maybe it should read "1954".

 

I firmly believe in equality of everyone (I do not believe in different races, we all all human after all). I wrongly assumed that almost everyone, except some crazy neo-nazi movement, thought the same...

[beijingjenny]

Thanks Taz. Fortunately we've never encountered that here nor there. My family was more quickly accepting than his! It's the luck with people, not place in my opinion.

[sylinchinastill]

Great- that sounds like a good idea for a site- and really what I have been looking for.

[ptcrusier333rph]

Hate to see the women posting on another site, I find their view to be very important and informative, also seem to keep some of us grounded.

I have lot of respect for the women here both abroad and in the states. any view I have about american women are narrow toward my ex wife not to the rest of the country. My respect for my Thoa has gone up more after reading about many of the women view and men view toward their wifes.

I didn't look to asia for a wife, just happen that the woman I love is from asia (Viet Nam) her opinions, views and thoughts are something I look forward to listening to every day. As I do here on CFL,

 

There was a post somewhere on here about a guy booting his wife/gf back to china after 10 days for being a golddigger, after mulling over it for a few days was looking to expess my opinion, (I can't seem to find the posting so here where I going to express my view of it) and that is 10 days is too short to understand fully what is going on, in that time I feel he already felt it was a mistake and anything she did would just be amplied more to justified his feeling, men have a way of trying to validate everything, I know I'm a man. If you want someone to clean house and cook hire a maid and a cook at least you can fire them. but not giving her a chance to prove to you she was wanting to stay or that her love is for you , in my mind and my opinion that you just felt trap and found a excuse to tell her to get lost. It would have be nice to get her side of the story. IT TAKE TWO to make a relationship work, 10 days show me you had no interests on making it work. (pardon me if I'm a bit angry)

 

Women need to have the respect of the men, and most of all the respect of thier husbands, I not see too many men willing to give up everything here to go to thier wifes and become chinese citizens.

Sorry if I'm blunt, or step on someone toes, Chasing them off to another site make me feel that it all about us men, some of us forget that the reason we here are because of the women we love waiting to come here with their life on hold.

 

Sorry if I disrespected anyone, I have more respect for the men that try to make it work than for those that give up at first hint of a problem. Marrying someone is for both the good and the bad, does not mean it will always work out but at least try to make a effort.

 

For those that want to know, my ex wife had affairs all thoughout my marriage to her for three years, she ran me into debt buying gifts to her mother and boyfiends, then walk out. sure I should have divorce her at least 2 years earlier, but sometime when you make a promise you have try to keep it. In my case love was not holding us together, just a promise I made did. At least I tried. I walk way from the divorce not feeling guilty for not trying to make it work. Sometime you win, Sometime you lose at least I tried.

 

It took a loving woman to make me see what love should be.

Thank Thoa,

 

Robert

[mari]

I'm still trying to catch up with work, CFL and so many other things after coming back from China. God only knows how I miss him!!!! Amber, I think it's a great idea to create the site, count me in.... As for CFL, it has a special place in my heart, so many of you (Carl, Don,John, lele, Jon, Clifford) and so many others had been such gentlemen and support in difficult times. I agree with the topic brought up by the gals, I think it's just a natural thing whenever there are many men in one single place, just remember what John mentioned about the diversity and the respect for it. And Taz, thanks for the article, my heart goes out to that woman and hope it will not be our reality, it's a shame that there are still people in America behaving as this. I for one thing had experienced some of it when I

go to the states and speak my mother language (spanish), sometimes I get the stares and makes me wonder what's exactly the problem with it as I'm in no way saying anything wrong about nobody. We are all citizens of the world and it's about time that we learn to respect and value what others can contribute to our lives.

[awch]

Just want to update everyone on that latest for the site... I'm now thinking about calling it:

Small World

Voices of Women in Cross-cultural Relationships

 

I want it now to have more of a focus on women in relationships with Asian men... especially after reading the article Taz posted I think an important goal will be to spread awareness about these kinds of relationships.

 

Also... as Taz and Syl have suggested there will be a kind of reading/writing/creative room for women to post their writings, talk about books... or anything else.

 

Right now I'm looking for a really good graphic image to represent the site if anyone has any ideas.... please email me!

 

amber

[awch]

Oh yeah... something else unrelated I wanted to discuss with the ladies....

wedding dresses.

 

My friend who married a Chinese guy had her wedding dress made here... what do you think about that idea? I have no idea about what kind of dress I want so it seems harder to me to actually have to come up with a design myself.. anyone know where I could look at some pics or get some ideas? Xiaoming wants a kind of Chinese style.. I'm not sure. Any have any advice?

 

Of course I've never gone shopping for a dress in the US before so I'm not sure if I would like the selections there... I just don't want to get there and then wish I would have custom made one here.

[kfman]

Well Amber, I think with some of the interaction you and I have had in RR2, you know I value and appreciate a womans viewpoint. I hope things dont turn into pure testosterone, and I can assure all the ladies on this post, or RR2, I read and value everyones posting, not just the males. Its too bad that the feeling is directed that way... Please keep posting, the female imput is very important, at least to me it is.

 

[maiyademama]

Oh yeah... something else unrelated I wanted to discuss with the ladies....

wedding dresses.

 

My friend who married a Chinese guy had her wedding dress made here... what do you think about that idea? I have no idea about what kind of dress I want so it seems harder to me to actually have to come up with a design myself.. anyone know where I could look at some pics or get some ideas? Xiaoming wants a kind of Chinese style.. I'm not sure. Any have any advice?

 

Of course I've never gone shopping for a dress in the US before so I'm not sure if I would like the selections there... I just don't want to get there and then wish I would have custom made one here.

Custom made in China all the way! You can't beat the price. Not that I know from experience about wedding dresses, but I did get a lot of clothes made and it was so much cheaper by comparison.

[maiyademama]

Ladies, lets do it! I am current;y looking for an image that embodies the concept of a small world and cross cultural relations. I will PM you, Amber, when I come up with something fitting. I really like how this is shaping up. Really good title!

 

Taz

[sylinchinastill]

Amber- that's what I did- my pictures are on the picture site- I had it made- it was in the qipao style on the top and then it flared out like a regular wedding dress on the bottom- I had it made very simply because I hate lace and the frilly stuff but you could get it made as fancy as you want. I put my bridesmaids and my flower girl in qipaos as well- just regular ones- but I had those made as well. My husband had a suit made instead of a tux so he could wear it again- my dress was like $200 and my bridemaids were about $100 and my sister's was $50. It was a much better price than I could have gotten it for in the states and it added a bit of Hengli's culture which I liked.

[awch]

Syl... I can't see the pictures from China!!! Do you have them posted somewhere else besides CFL gallery?

 

How did you come up with your design? Did you look at some pics or did the tailor help you come up with ideas?? And sorry, I'm design ignorant, what is qipao?

[warpedbored]

qipao is the traditional slit leg high collar dress Chinese women wear. I believe it translates to "silk dress or silk clothes.