Is it your responsibility to take care of

[MoonCarolCafe]

ABSOLUTELY ! If he cannot pay for his wife, why is she his wife?

How about we change your statement to: "ABSOLUTELY ! If she cannot pay for her husband, why is he her husband?"

 

Would you say the same thing if the genders were reversed, and if not, why?

[mercator]

i give my wife money. I didn't until we were married.

 

She spent 20RMB each time we emailed, which was almost everyday, not to mention a bus or taxi from work to the translator's office each time. 4 months she did this, so figure she spent roughly 1800-2000 RMB. No small amount of yuan.

 

I give her 200-400 each month depending on what is going on. She is getting ADSL and there is a set up fee. She is getting the computer I gave her 'make chinese' so she can use it effectively. He mom has a bad ankle and needs a brace, etc. etc. I am happy to help, just as I would if we were together. I worried about giving her money before we were married, but I know she isnt after my money because she knows I dont have much.

 

If she was well off and I wasn't I know she would help me.

[ameriken]

ABSOLUTELY ! If he cannot pay for his wife, why is she his wife?

How about we change your statement to: "ABSOLUTELY ! If she cannot pay for her husband, why is he her husband?"

 

Would you say the same thing if the genders were reversed, and if not, why?

172945[/snapback]

In the original post of the complaining wife, it stated that she paid his way when he was in China, and now he refuses to help her. My SO also wants to pay for me when I am there. She also wants to contribute financially to our home and has vowed to support me if for some reason I could not work. I dont see why both cannot help pay for the other when necessary, or when they want to. A husband and wife should help each other in every way. So, per your statement, yes, she can pay for her husband.

I am not making a gender statement......my point is if he is not going to show responsibility to his own wife, then he should not have married her. Marriage is being responsible toward each other.

Edited December 4, 2005 by ameriken (see edit history)

[MoonCarolCafe]

... detailed explanation goes here...

Makes sense. I see where you are coming from.

[Thomas Promise]

I have helped my SO out financially for her English Classes and some of her living expense so far.

I mean we are team together helping one another. United we stand divided we fall apart. Right? Marriage is not a trade out but trading new and old ideas to refresh your daily lives together with caring and sharing for each other. You and your SO should know what you can afford to do with the family budget. However if you are into keeping score with Dollar$ and Cents go buy an Abbacus or a yearly Subscription to The Wall Street Journal you will be much happier and alone.

[eeyore]

My wife and I have come to an understanding. If I send her money on a monthly basis I would not be able to fly to China every 3 months or so. If the cost of travel was not so high, approx $1000.00 or more per trip (I live in the mid-west and the costs a lot to fly to China from here) I could send her money. I own a house too and that makes it hard to have lots extra money. I'm glad my wife is not so selfish to ask for money every month knowing we could not see each other for long periods of time if I gave it to her. I would like her to be able to quit her job soon though, maybe once the security clearance is done I could support her for a while.

 

I was considering earlier this year selling my house allowing me living less expensively therefore being able send money monthly to my wife; However, I think my lao po will be happy that I did not when she sees our house and the area its in. I may not be able to send money now but I am working toward making her future life here a good one.

[ameriken]

I mean we are team together helping one another. United we stand divided we fall apart. Right? Marriage is not a trade out but trading new and old ideas to refresh your daily lives together with caring and sharing for each other.

173717[/snapback]

You are so poetic Thomas in what you say!

I agree with everything here......I dont like the idea of controlling the budget, and am encouraging her to participate in the 'our' and 'we' in the relationship. She wants to save money for future expenses, and it helps her feel part of the relationship. Even if she does not work, my money is her money, its our money regardless of who was the source.

There is also education....many of our SO's have lived with family, and have not done their own budget or support and so the subject of budgeting, as with everything else, will be a new way of life...something we will do together....like everything else. It is all a matter of love and trust.

If someone cannot trust his SO with money, then does he really trust her with anything?

[ptcrusier333rph]

My wife and I have come to an understanding. If I send her money on a monthly basis I would not be able to fly to China every 3 months or so. If the cost of travel was not so high, approx $1000.00 or more per trip (I live in the mid-west and the costs a lot to fly to China from here) I could send her money. I own a house too and that makes it hard to have lots extra money. I'm glad my wife is not so selfish to ask for money every month knowing we could not see each other for long periods of time if I gave it to her. I would like her to be able to quit her job soon though, maybe once the security clearance is done I could support her for a while. 

 

I was considering earlier this year selling my house allowing me living less expensively therefore being able send money monthly to my wife; However, I think my lao po will be happy that I did not when she sees our house and the area its in. I may not be able to send money now but I am working toward making her future life here a good one.

173729[/snapback]

Thought about selling the house too but after living here 39 years I couldn't do it, so I refinance the house, ended up having to help my younger brother with some debt too because of his divorce. was a little shock my SO was very understanding about it when I ask her if I can help him. my ex would have blown up but my SO said family must help family.

my SO have been trying to get 2nd job to help me visit her and I nixed it, I rather she care for our son than spend time at working 2 jobs, she stop using the money I put aside each month for her and our son, wanting to not make me work too hard so that been added to trip. but as it stand I still have to delay trip until jan 1 (

 

robert

[Q&Q]

Before he and she get married, neither of them should ask for money from each other. But of course they would love to support each other financially when needed because they love each other. When people are in love, they give instead of ask...

 

If THEY decide that she quit the job, that's when they need to talk openly about their finance. Even if they're not married yet(K1), they're making decision as a couple. Instead of saying he supporting her or she supporting him, I'd rather say they work out together about their finance. They're husband-and-wife or husband-and-wife-to-be. They are or are going to share a LIFE together "for better or for worse".

 

Quiting her job or not, it should be decided by both of them. But personally I think she should only quit her job a month or so before she flies to America. A month or so is long enough to pack and to say good-bye to family and friends. Life is boring when working too much, too hard or not working at all. If he and she do decide that she quits, and if she has enough money to spend until she moves to America, he doesn't need to send money to her. Why bother exchanging dollars to RMB and later exchanging back to dollars so she could bring back to America? oh of course she can keep in her China bank account so that later when she and he visit China, they can use it.

[Joanne]

Before he and she get married, neither of them should ask for money from each other. But of course they would love to support each other financially when needed because they love each other. When people are in love, they give instead of ask...

 

If THEY decide that she quit the job, that's when they need to talk openly about their finance. Even if they're not married yet(K1), they're making decision as a couple. Instead of saying he supporting her or she supporting him, I'd rather say they work out together about their finance. They're husband-and-wife or husband-and-wife-to-be. They are or are going to share a LIFE together "for better or for worse".

 

Quiting her job or not, it should be decided by both of them. But personally I think she should only quit her job a month or so before she flies to America. A month or so is long enough to pack and to say good-bye to family and friends. Life is boring when working too much, too hard or not working at all. If he and she do decide that she quits, and if she has enough money to spend until she moves to America, he doesn't need to send money to her. Why bother exchanging dollars to RMB and later exchanging back to dollars so she could bring back to America? oh of course she can keep in her China bank account so that later when she and he visit China, they can use it.

174445[/snapback]

Well said!

[mhudson]

Maybe you guys here can explain to me isn't it your responsibility to take care of your wife? Maybe I don't know much about American culture, maybe in your culture wife should not ask for money from husband. You guys are Americans,being Americans how do you think about giving money to your wife? And please explain why you see a red flag when a wife asks for money, she should not ask for money and should just take care of you,and you dont need to take care of her?I think giving money to your wife is taking care of her.What is wrong with a wife asking for money?Because in China,it is soooo normal.

171917[/snapback]

I am not yet married to the lady in my life, but send 100USD just to help. She works, but we must use an interpreter. We "talk" on the phone

even though neither she nor I speak more than a few words of the others language.

[Feathers268]

Maybe you guys here can explain to me isn't it your responsibility to take care of your wife? Maybe I don't know much about American culture, maybe in your culture wife should not ask for money from husband. You guys are Americans,being Americans how do you think about giving money to your wife? And please explain why you see a red flag when a wife asks for money, she should not ask for money and should just take care of you,and you dont need to take care of her?I think giving money to your wife is taking care of her.What is wrong with a wife asking for money?Because in China,it is soooo normal.

171917[/snapback]

Wow,

Here is another case of me being a little late to the dance.

During our long wait, I sent very little money to Jen. I only sent along what was needed for logistical support in getting documents and so on. This was in part to her not asking for money at other times. Now that she is here, I still don't "give" her money to "support" her. To us, there is no yours and mine. I had always thought that in marriage, the income was for a common good no matter if one or both parties work. Maybe Jen is young enough that such ideas are no longer valid so this has not been and issue but to me, all the better.

To put it simply, I feel that if the intention is to be a married couple in the US, traditions are fundamentally American. This is a partnership of equal parties and deserves to be treated as such. There is a place for Chinese tradition and Jen has enriched my life in ways I can't begin to describe, but it can't come at the cost of the already exsisting culture. If the couple decides that the wife shall get an "allowance" so be it, but I think it wrong to expect that it sould be the norm. There is too much bending over backward to yield to Chinese custom. There has to be a middle ground.

Edited December 26, 2005 by Feathers268 (see edit history)

[Guest pushbrk]

Maybe you guys here can explain to me isn't it your responsibility to take care of your wife? Maybe I don't know much about American culture, maybe in your culture wife should not ask for money from husband. You guys are Americans,being Americans how do you think about giving money to your wife? And please explain why you see a red flag when a wife asks for money, she should not ask for money and should just take care of you,and you dont need to take care of her?I think giving money to your wife is taking care of her.What is wrong with a wife asking for money?Because in China,it is soooo normal.

171917[/snapback]

Wow,

Here is another case of me being a little late to the dance.

During our long wait, I sent very little money to Jen. I only sent along what was needed for logistical support in getting documents and so on. This was in part to her not asking for money at other times. Now that she is here, I still don't "give" her money to "support" her. To us, there is no yours and mine. I had always thought that in marriage, the income was for a common good no matter if one or both parties work. Maybe Jen is young enough that such ideas are no longer valid so this has not been and issue but to me, all the better.

To put it simply, I feel that if the intention is to be a married couple in the US, traditions are fundamentally American. This is a partnership of equal parties and deserves to be treated as such. There is a place for Chinese tradition and Jen has enriched my life in ways I can't begin to describe, but it can't come at the cost of the already exsisting culture. If the couple decides that the wife shall get an "allowance" so be it, but I think it wrong to expect that it sould be the norm. There is too much bending over backward to yield to Chinese custom. There has to be a middle ground.

177960[/snapback]

Persnally, I'm not much into "have to", "has to" or absolutes that don't have to do with right and wrong. I view marriage as a partnership. My wife has not asked for money. I arranged for money to be available on a debit card I brought to her. She will use it as needed and we will discuss any changes to the regular deposits. If the money is not needed, or the deposit amount needs to be raised or lowered, we will discuss it. The deposits are not an allowance, gift or payment. They simply facilitate taking care of needs in a convenient fashion.

 

My wife and I have agreed that since she has arranged to care for herself and her needs in China that there is no need to combine our finances until she arrives in the USA. In the meantime, since my standard of living affords more luxury than that to which she is accustomed, we have arranged for to facilitate a temporary modest improvement in her circumstances as well as a convenient way to fund immigration related expenses.

 

This talk of "Her husband sends more than my husband, so why don't I get more?" greatly disturbs me.

[frank1538]

In the meantime, since my standard of living affords more luxury than that to which she is accustomed, we have arranged for to facilitate a temporary modest improvement in her circumstances as well as a convenient way to fund immigration related expenses.

 

This talk of "Her husband sends more than my husband, so why don't I get more?" greatly disturbs me.

177974[/snapback]

Let's all be honest here. Most of us Americans can afford to ante up a little to help our SO's defray the visa related costs, and most of us have. I did the same thing. Costs related to interpreters, birth certificates, police clearances, visa fees, medical exams, transportation, etc. do mount up and can become expensive for a single Chinese woman who may be supporting herself, her children, and her parents. For me, it wasn't a question of whether I should. Since we were ceremonially married while in China, to treat Jingwen as other than my wife (read sharing expenses) would have been just plain wrong. Adding a few extra bucks to "modestly improve her circumstances" and her mom's was a voluntary thing born from love.

 

As to Mike's last comment, I agree. I guess keeping up with the Chens or Hans or Jones is a commom human foible.

[Rakkasan]

Earlier I read a post here on candle for love.It was about a husband getting really upset by his wife asking for more money. Because she sometimes gets together with sisters from 001 and they compare how much money they get from their husband. And she said her husband gave her only 150USD each month and other wives got more.

171915[/snapback]

I agree with helping your SO defray costs for obtaining a visa or other costs for maintaining a relationship. My SO has yet to ask me for a penny. She has however, offered to buy me warm clothing when I come to visit if I am in need of a coat, etc. I know she is paying someone to translate our emails until she gets better at English. I also know she pays at the internet cafe whenever we get together by webcam, plus the cost of regular mail, phone calls and English classes. She works hard at night with her own business and may be to proud to ask me for help.

 

I will help when asked and after I visit in February she may feel more comfortable asking. But I do believe we have an obligation to take care of our SO's and will gladly help in whatever way I can when asked.

 

Of course I am not sure what the best way for getting money to her would be, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

As far as the original post on this thread is concerned.... If she is asking for more money just to keep up with the Jone's (her girlfriends) Then I think the motivation is wrong and she is not trying to benefit the relationship, but rather herself or worse ego. You can get that kind of relationship right here in the good ol' USA without the frequent flyer miles. THIS IS A RED FLAG FOR ME!!!