Mountains to climb

[Mick]

I think this is a most pertinent thread, particularly for those in the early days of living together. I think patience, tolerance and awareness are the key ingredients to getting through the early days. That and, perhaps most important, commitment.

 

Li and I are now in our eighth year together. I guess our relationship was a bit different than most in that our first year living together, we were living in China. In fact, the first five years of our relationship were spent in China.

 

As a result, I was the one who was going through cultural adjustment, not her. Still, our first year was a bit tense at times but there was never an issue, no matter how major it seemed at the time, that we were not able to work through.

 

After the first twelve months or so, things pretty much evened out, although we faced some major hurdles over the next few years. We went through an eighteen month ordeal to get our visa. We finally got to the States in March, 2003. Li did not have major issues adjusting to America and, by then, had adjusted to me. After all, we had been together for five years by then.

 

Our next major adjustment was her pregnancy and the birth of our daughter. Having a baby changed things tremendously, but it really has served to bring us even closer together.

 

Li and I rarely argue over things. We truly get along great. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and my soul mate in a spiritual sense. I don't mean that we have a Camelot lifestyle; far from it. We have many pressures we face daily, what with a young child, finances and, at times, health issues. But, as I said earlier, I think what has caused our relationship to succeed as it has is commitment. We are committed to making things work. We love each other, we cherish each other, we respect each other, and equally important, we are grateful for each other. I never take her for granted and do whatever I can to make life easier for her. She, in turn, does the same for me.

 

Whatever you may be going through in the first year, keep in mind, THIS IS NOT THE FINAL ACT IN THE PLAY.

 

Hang in there, it just may well be worth it.

[ahhming888]

'Whatever you may be going through in the first year, keep in mind, THIS IS NOT THE FINAL ACT IN THE PLAY.

 

Hang in there, it just may well be worth it.'

No it is not the final act by no means at all. It can be better defined as the intro/begining act. The fact is overcoming the challenges/issues/etc... in the begining of the act. Then hoping/expecting that when things smooth out as the ending positive result. To me its not really what im going thru now, Im worried/concered about the outcome. Ive gone thru the immigration part thought that was terrible, not anymore.

 

I think everyone is seeking the final payoff, like the many many sucess stories that are posted on here. The time when we surpass the immigration, the first year (or how long it takes) then being able to finally sit back with you SO and never have to think back. Only ahead about all the positive in spending the rest of your life together. With your SO that you one day back when decided to take that dive in the ocean and ended up on the other side of globe to seek hapiness.

 

Well worth it' as it 'may' be, 'may' defines all the unknown question marks that lie in the final outcome of what will be the 'payoff'. In China everyday was a vacation with my SO, the reality only is known when you begin your everyday life with her when she arrives. For those of you in the immigration stages, yes its tough. But dont think thats its all over when the visa is approved. Its just the begining; your SO is gonna be making the adjustments of being here and your gonna be making adjustments for her as she is in this stage.

 

Trying to view it all in a postive outlook; we must know what we are seeking for before we seek. The thoughts we envision, the stories we read on here guide us along the way. In my own world of chaotic confusion, I continue to seek and figured out the facts.

[nygatl15]

Well, I wasn't going to share this, but now that this thread is here I, will....

 

Things were not "perfect" when I was in Beijing the last 2 weeks. We had some major fights... maybe not major, I just don't like to argue. I spoke of leaving earlier than planned. I guess we both said things we didn't need to each other. the last time we argued I asked her if could we just "part being friends", that maybe this was not going to workout. Her reply was, "you want to give up after 2 weeks?" from that point on, I think we both had more give and take. I was divorced 2 times before, so I was concerned.

 

the arguments were really about how we reacted to each other. She did call me a "spoiled american" a few times... I'm sure she is right about that.

 

I was getting a little impatient sometimes... her family and friends were showing up at the hotel at 9am in the morning and would stay with us the entire day, that was a little tiring after the 1st couple of times. this made it a little difficult for me. They are great people and very loving and generous with me, but I tend to be used to my space. This and the fact I was still dealing with situations back in the States, I believe was a little moody at times.

 

Our problems were not really problems, it's just that they made me scared about the future a little and it annoyed her if I said that.... Still, I have grown even closer to her and I love her even more than when I got there. I think she feels the same.

 

She lived and went to school in San Fran for 4 or 6 years, I can't remember so she is used to the American way of things although she still has a lot to learn. I think we will be fine.

 

We are both strong-willed people, but I think we both know it will take a lot of give and take from the both of us. Praying together also helps.

 

I actually think the "problems" was good for us. We both know this is not a fairy tale, but it is 2 people from 2 different parts of the world trying to share thier lives. It is possible, but we just must consider the other persons feelings before reacting, I guess.

 

I do know I want to make this work and live happily(most of the time) ever after.

[LeeFisher3]

One thing I have learned is that my wife feels that a husband and wife can say anything to the other. No such thing as tact - whatever you feel like saying at the moment. It is a very different perspective than mine where some things are better left unsaid. Cultural difference or personal difference? I dunno, but it is different.

I actually found this refreshing once I understood the rules. Get it out in the open, make your point known, move on and don't look back.

 

I've only been told to "never do that again" once and believe me I won't.

[BuffaloPaul]

One thing I have learned is that my wife feels that a husband and wife can say anything to the other. No such thing as tact - whatever you feel like saying at the moment. It is a very different perspective than mine where some things are better left unsaid. Cultural difference or personal difference? I dunno, but it is different.

My SO keeps nothing inside at all - if she feels it, she says it. Worried me at first, but she doesn't seem to hold on to things. Just expresses bad and good "in the moment" and moves on.

[LeeFisher3]

My SO keeps nothing inside at all - if she feels it, she says it.  Worried me at first, but she doesn't seem to hold on to things. Just expresses bad and good "in the moment" and moves on.

I am positive this is why the women look so very young, they don't allow the stress of worry in their mind, but it can sure be stressful until you get to understand it.

[tmkeith]

My Wei definitely wears her heart on her sleeve.

 

Makes it hard to tell when they're really playing games, though.

[david_dawei]

My Wei definitely wears her heart on her sleeve.

 

Makes it hard to tell when they're really playing games, though.

Trev... the only game is in your western head.. time to let it go...

[david_dawei]

One thing I have learned is that my wife feels that a husband and wife can say anything to the other. No such thing as tact - whatever you feel like saying at the moment. It is a very different perspective than mine where some things are better left unsaid. Cultural difference or personal difference? I dunno, but it is different.

well put.. I couldn't agree more..

[frank1538]

I actually think the "problems" was good for us.  We both know this is not a fairy tale, but it is 2 people from 2 different parts of the world trying to share thier lives. It is possible, but we just must consider the other persons feelings before reacting, I guess.  

 

I do know I want to make this work and live happily(most of the time) ever after.

It's actually good that you have come to this realization early on. For many people the rose colored glasses aren't removed until the SO arrives in the US and the routine of living begins. This can make the adjustment more stressful.

 

As you say, life is not a fairy tale, but knowing what life might throw your way, makes "happily ever after" more than a pipe dream.

[C4Racer]

I actually think the "problems" was good for us.  We both know this is not a fairy tale, but it is 2 people from 2 different parts of the world trying to share thier lives. It is possible, but we just must consider the other persons feelings before reacting, I guess. 

 

I do know I want to make this work and live happily(most of the time) ever after.

Glad you shared this. The topic is good for young relationships.

 

Yes, the problems were good for your relationship. This is the way you grow from a simple, sweet newlywed type relationship into a committed, best friends, soul mate forever style relationship. All relationships will have problems, we are human and there is no way around this.

 

The issue is not that we have problems, but how we deal with them. So many relationships ignore the big problems, look the other way and do nothing to keep them from happening. These are the relationships that do not make it past five years. You faced the problem head on and dealt with the issues. Your relationship is now stronger. By working through the problems you also both now understand the committment level of the other. This helps cement a realtionship forever. Best friends until the end, no matter what. Just doesn't get any better.

[nygatl15]

]QUOTE]

 

So many relationships ignore the big problems, look the other way and do nothing to keep them from happening. These are the relationships that do not make it past five years. You faced the problem head on and dealt with the issues.

My last marriage was the fairy tale... and we would look past our problems and not deal with them and then the relationship litterally went "poof" overnight. I'm not sure if she cheated or what, I never found out.. but I really think i'm blessed to have Wenjie.

[nygatl15]

Thanks for sharing this. We really are all the same, just from different palces in the great place we call earth. Nothing is perfect, but commitment and respect will make it work.

[Dennis143]

Right on Frank !!!!!!!! I see so many friends in this situation like you describe. Husbands sometimes get very upset and sometimes it is out right hostility.  Here in L.A. where you can live a Chinese lifestyle easily it is sometimes hard to make the transition as the wife can retreat into Chinese society before seeing another way may be viable.  In this, living in an area of few Chinese can make transition easier. Other ways such as not having anything familiar make it difficult. Either way it is not easy for them or us. I'm not there yet but we talk about these problems. Honestly we don't know how either of us will react but we agree to try hard.

126805[/snapback]

Dan, where abouts in the LA area are you? I am in South Pasadena and I will be bringing my Nanning wife and daughter home with me in a few months. Sure would be nice if my Jie had a friend (your wife) who she could call when she is experiencing those days of homesickness and the transisition of adjusting to life in America.

 

Thanks,

Dennis

[HanLi]

Don,

you're right, this is a good primer for a reality check.... we really haven't seen each others warts yet..... the committment will be the glue as you say.... thanks for the re-post!