phantom1949

I am so sorry this is happening to anyone/ Chinese culture is so different from our. Especially since I an a New Yorker, we express everything and then try to work it out. Chinese culture seems so much more suttle. What heard you say is per her, her feelings have changed. That could be her letting you down easy, OR, being confused. She seems to be looking at options otherwise she would not be talking about other men chasing her or being available? and she would not be talking about the quality of her life there verses being her. The real comparison is being with you or without you.I I sort of believe in a middle of the road approach. Play hard to get and you will most likely loose her as she could take that as you do not care whether she comes or not, and that is not love. I would go to see her and as was said be prepared to be hurt. BUT, I would not to convince her to come to America (that would be a mistake) but to go and talk to her, to show her you do care and to listen to her. NO PRESSURE ON HER. If you spent a week together and she still feels the same way of WHO CARES then you have loved and lost - come home, lick your wounds and look again when you are ready. I read a wise saying once that goes something like this: If you love someone, it means nothing, If someone loves you, it means something, If you love each other, it means everything. You cannot force her to love you. If you force her to come here and her heart is not in love with you, then you will get hurt even worse later on. We have all been hurt so it is no laughing matter. Follow yuo heart and go see her, but let her know ther is no pressure. Either she finds that love in her heart and you guys rekindle the relationship or youare better to let her go. She is either immature or calculating her worth to you and to others. Only you will know when you meet her again, if she loves you. But not forcing the issue will be very hard on you. Good luck in whatever you do. I do agree if you do not go, you will wonder for the rest of your life, WHAT IF..........

Sir: You ramble on and on and on. Why shoud anyone listen to you when you do not listen to yourself. You say my SO should not be upset if I check her out with her Ex. Everyone else who seems to know Chinese Culture say that the divorce is an insult to her and her family. And you want me to throw it in her face? You said ina prior post that if I want to know the truth, I should call her Ex. That is akin to calling her a liar. And you still are not enough of a man to apoligize. CT, rant on all you want. I have no respect for you or what you say. You live in China, but from the little I have learned you seem to know nothing about them,Maybe you know something about cost of living, but nothing about the people. I again, say you owe my SO an apology. Otherwise feel free to ignore me and find people who do not mind your retheric and insults. I have no respect for you or what you say. OH and using your scale, can I have the names and addresses and phone numbers of all of your failed relationships so we here can check YOU OUT???? CT, I guess it is put up or shut up time. Before you attack or degrade any more chinese ladies, can we check with your ex chinese ladies to see how they feel about you? Of course it is just so we can see if your comments have any value and if we can trust what you say. Get the picture yet??? Feel free to PM me the information or post their names and phone number here. We have friends in china so they can call your ex's tomorrow. So hurry up and provide the info. Oh, I am also a NYC guy. I also had a lot of chinese friends and well as non Asian. But it is opinionated people like you what make me smile as I left there a number of years ago. You know little but profess to be some sort of expert. I also think we need to go back into your past and your failed relationships to see where your coming form. Feel free to send me the info or post it here so you can be checked out. Short of that what people are telling me is your just more HOT AIR. You insult people and are not smart enough to realize it.

Well I hope you know we are ONLY kidding about the lawyer comments..........

This post is os helpful. I am really happy for your both. I hope more people make posts like this as it gives so much more insight to the process. Bobby, were you sitting there when the interview occurred? or did you have to wait outside???? Great News.!!!!!

It wasn't until only 2006 which suddenly brought about a new law that prevents foreigners from owning housing property in China. For the past several years, it was no problem for foreigners to purchase property. The newly erected law doesn't force owners to sell. It simply prevents new buyers from buying or limits the number of houses you can buy. She will not have to worry about selling. None of your SOs will have to worry about their property in China. So Ron, you needn't worry. Looks like you'll have a retirement home in China waiting for you. This is good to know. I do not know where the relationship will go or what my SO would want but if she wants a retirement home in China, then I guess it needs to be planned for. Inquiring minds...... Thanks for the info.

NUWORLD: Thanks for your kind words. I so not need an applogy for myself, but I would not speak in such a disrespectful manny to anyone or their SO and do not appreciate CT talking that way about my SO, especially since he does not even know her. Like most chinese ladies she is very beautiful but what I am learning about her is that she is even more beautiful on the inside then the outside. I felt bad aftwe writing what I did as I mean no disrespect to anyone and I am also new and came here for friendship, help and insight. But since I do care about Nicole how can I not defend her honor!!! Well thank you again!! Lawrence PS: I am really happy I found this site. It is teaching me things about the difference in cultures; raising issuing with a diverse range of answers; raising and answering fears and concerns I (I am sure we all) have. And in general helping me get through the process. There are so many more quesitons I have that I can use help on. But I guess I need a break now from opening up too much here. I may just go back to PM's for a bit. Again, Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

CT: I do not appreciate your comments and I think you have crossed the line AGAIN. You assume my SO has a bad past and that the word of the American is worth more then her word, and personally I think you are wrong and an apology is in order. The reality is she did nothing wrong. The American came to China, married her and then went back with his old girlfriend in the USA. Your assuming it was her fault is one sided at best. If you have such a distrust of Shenzhen women, then get out of the city. As for your comments on divorce, I believe that in the USA, 30% of all american women have cheated on their husbands and the percent of men cheating on their wifes is even higher. As for multiple divorces, how many men here have never been divorced??? Before we can give any validity to your comments, maybe we need to check you out??? Since you have been married before and with other women from Shenzhen, I guess we should say there is something wrong with YOU. Maybe we should call your Ex Wives to judge you before we give anything you say value??? I am not attacking you, but you are showing the there is truth to the saying that when you "assume", you make an "ASS" out of your self. I do not mind generalized comments but your latest post is an unwarranted and bigited attack on my SO, and it is not appreciated. you say your girl is great and if someone attacked her without knowing all the facts and publicly, I would hope you would defend her. I am doing no different here. Again, I think you crossed the line and an apology is due. There is a big difference between giving insight and attacking someone based upon your invalid assumptions and bad experience. I had respect for your first two comments, but this last one is way out of line, and if you cannot see it, then I rgive novlaue to what you say othe rhten itis hot hair. Your living in China does not make you an expert on the Chinese people. If you had any class, and felt you needed to express yourself in the manner you did, an "educated" person who had class would have made the comments in a PM and not a public like this. The moderator in the post right above yours said NO PERSONAL ATTACKS. Instead of you showing ANY CLASS, you have shown the type of person you are. You owe my SO an apology - public here on the board after attacking her as you did. I was the only one defending your right to make your comments, but now you have gone to far. Say what you want now as it will not matter for I have lost all respect for your comments. To the moderator, I apologize, but I will not allow anyone to attack my SO as CT has and believe everyone here would do the same. I hope you can understand. Happy Holidays. Lawrence

Great News!! Fantastic!!

Did they give any reasons???

Lostinblue, congrats on your SO's successful interview. Best wishes going forward. I just want to warn you that some CFL members are lawyers themselves--and I don't mean "KING". I know of at least two personally on here who are working US lawyers going through this same process with all of us, and I'm sure there are more. So before you declare your hatred for all lawyers, please realize that some of the people you are thanking may also be a lawyer whom you claim hatred for. BTW, given your time line, it seems to me that GUZ actually does check to see when an I-129f was first filed and tries to move those ahead who applied first. You moved VERY quickly in the latter stages but didn't move very quickly in the NOA1 to NAO2 stage. P3 and P4 was extremely quick. I couldn't believe how fast your P3 and P4 and interview date came when I first saw it. I think the lawyers know we are kidding (sort of). I was flying and sat next to an attorney. When I found out he was an attorney, before I could say anything or make any wise crack, me looked at me and said "Did I know how to tell when an attorney was lying?" I said no, how can you tell. His response was "There mouth is moving". Most attorneys have a good sense of humor. And I am sure they know that we know that there are even one or two good attorneys around in this country (only kidding=well maybe).

great news!!!

I believe with iBBTalk, you can forward your calls so you can forward the calls to you cell, but I'm not sure you can have virtual numbers. I also think virtual numbers are very cool feature to have. I agree with you. I decided not to be lazy and went to the ITalk BB site. They do offer call forwarding but I did not see the virtual numbers. The call forwarding is more important to me. They do offer two months free is you pay for 12 months (a pretty good deal) and they have some sort of Mobile interface that Is not clear to me. But as my son says the older I get the stupider I get..... I guess he knows better he is younger!! As I get older there is an old expression I remember that goes" Youth is wasted on the Young"!!! How true it is!!!

This really sounds like a great deal. I also don;t need it now, but hopefully some. Also I shold be moving in a few months and wil switch from Vonage to this service. Question, two features that Vonage has are nice and I was wondering if this service has them. The first is I can set my Vonage up to ring on my cell phone and second, Vonage allows for wha they call Virtual numbers. With the Virtual numbers, I have one phone line but can have multiple number on that line (I think they charge $5.00 per month for each virtual number). The reason I would want this is I will be moving and want to keep my Austin texas number for a while. I am not pushing Vonage and will need the China based service but wondered if they offer these type of features???

Again, I am a newbie and still in the learning stage. Well, I look at life as a learning experience so when we stop learning it is becuase we are dead. I think everyones comments and thoughts are helpful and insightful. When we meet our SO in China, it is after we have written and maybe spoken to each other for 2,3, 6 months or longer. But how well to we really know each other and what is in each others minds and hearts? While I consider myself a "Hopeful Romantic" being on this site I see marriages fall by the wayside on a regular basis - and I am new here. One man's SO asked for a divorce 2-3 months after getting her green card. Now some said her asking for a divorce was a knee jurk reaction, but reading about Chinese culture, it does not seem to me that this is how a SO would respond unless it was on her mind. Maybe the relationship was one sided and she was just unhappy for the two years but that means they had no communication. When I started on this site, I would read things that were just plain scary and then when people would write to give me advice, well....... Hearing both sides of the coin, being optimistic and pisamistic, gives one food for thought and can either calm you down and raise real red flags. When I was on the site where I met my SO, the ladies would write "come to China for a love tour", or they wanted someone who would love them AND their children, or they wanted to come to America and have a child or two or they wanted you to have a house or how much will WE travel...... Some would send their phone numbers and addresses without you asking for them. Some would write how much they loved you, but they had never met you?? I use all comments as a gauge and try to got through the minefield as Nicole and I move along. As for the education issue and both agree and disagree. There is an old movie starring william Holden called "The World of Suzy Wong" and while it was set in Japan, it could just have been made in China or any other country. What a woman does is not necessary indiciative of whether or not she will truly love you and what she wants. I think what ct_shore2000 was alluding to was if the SO desparately wanted and needed to leave China to have a good life, or if she was educated and had a good life there then her motives were more for finding a partner. With Nicole, I see the more I act like a pushy American, the more she withdraws and the more I act slower and with respect the more she opens up. It took a few weeks before Nicole was comfortable in giving me her address and she has not yet given me her phone number (although she is thinking about it). What are are doing is the bleeding of two cultures and not the Americanization of your SO. So in this light, I think all opinions are valid. The hardest thing for a person to know without living with your SO or knowing her for a long period of time is what is in her heart and what is in her mind. And she will not know what is in yours. The key is going into a relationship with your eyes open and thinking with your head (the one on your shoulders - No disrespect intended but men will be men). So I think all opinions are valid and should be welcome. It is for each of us to wisely figure out how we develop our relationship with our SO, what we are looking for and what our SO wants as well. Nicole and I have been speaking since the end of September and I hope to plan a trip in the next few months. While I will be cautious, I am very happy with how things are developing and will continue to take things slow and hopefully do things right. What I will say for sure, is that without the insight and help from the members here, I would surely have done things wrong and made mistakes that I will now not make. So I welcome all comments and insight. Thank you everyone.

So what will I do being? Well, I now know that chocolates and vitamins and American Ginseng are great presents. Who would have thought??? Everyone talks in different posts and threads about chinese culture and savng save and respect and I am learning but still a newbie. I have found that sometimes the best answers are the simplist. In reading and re-reading the post, I went to a thread that Cerberus had where he outlined what he did with his SO. I liked the idea and oop's I copied it. I wrote Nicole and suggested that I wanted to impress her family. That when we are married (time will tell, buts lets think positevly) we will have secrets that only we will share. I suggested that our first secret could be her letting me know what each family member would love to get. I also assured her that while I would buy the presents, she would have final say on what I purchased. I got her response today and she was veyr happy. Nicole will tell me what I should get each family member. This GREAT approach I think accomplished two goals. It makes my life easier as I do not have to guess what to buy and for whom. It also shows nicole that she will have a say in our family and take the lead in certain situations. I also know to always bring presents in even numbers for people, and to not gift wrap anything until after I arrive in China. This started out as a simple question, but I have learned so much. The cultures are different and it is important to know the differences. Here in the USA, if I brought someone vitamins pills as a present............ Thanks to all.

Interesting insight - thank you. I forgot to say she owns her apartment there. Her family does live somewhere else but I will have to locate where. We are taking it slow and having had bad experiences I do reflect, look for problems and read a lot here. I think that Nicole also wants to take it slower and not let the heat of the moment cause us to make mistakes. I do appreciate your taking the time to give your thoughts and experiences. Time will tell. Thanks again!!!

Fu: Thanks. The skin care is for my SO. I am so glad I asked the question as I have learned so much. Who would have thought vitamins, or Ginseng Root??? Where did you get your Ginseng root??? I think everyone had some good ideas and imput. I also liked what Cerberus had to say about getting my SO involved and letting her have the final say on what I get for everyone. That does two things, it does show I am interested in what she has to say and gets the right gifts to the right people. Thanks again, and if you have any other ideas, please let me know. Lawrence

I believe you must be talking about Nivea skin care products. That was a good choice and they make some good quality products. In another thread I was talking about some expensive lotion, but this is not really necessary. Nivea is good enough for anybody and whoever gets it for a gift should feel thankful. You are buying a lot of gifts for different people! Are you having fun playing Santa Claus? Good luck with your plans. Well I am new to this. I purchased some skin care from Victoria Secrets (pink in color and purchased in even numbers). I guess when my SO is here she will let me know what she wants and likes. I'm just guessing here about what to get.

I 'll mark it on my calendar!!! It takes that long to grow????

FU: Help me here. Is the American Ginsing a tea or what???? Is this something to give to the mother? or to whom??? Thanks, Lawrence American 'sing is a great gift but it must be in root form--not powder or capsules. OK, Inquiring minds want to know. Where do you get it in root form??? I hope I am not asking to many stupid questions but it is the only way to learn. My SO had a bad experience with an American and I can only assume that her family met him. So in addition to showing proper respect, I feel like I may have an uphill battle climb here. All the help and ideas are appreciated. I have so much to learn.

FU: Help me here. Is the American Ginsing a tea or what???? Is this something to give to the mother? or to whom??? Thanks, Lawrence

Hey guy thanks, but I am not trying to end the relationship -

Dave Thanks....

Clayton: So I can send the watch. Cool. I think I will see that the first package gets through before I send the watch. So another question, do you add your SO's phone number to the address or not??? Thanks again, Lawrence

Clayton, Thanks. I was also wondering have you ever sent presents at the beginning of a relationship??? Nicole and I have not met yet but I wanted to send her a holiday present. Is it safe to send a watch??? I will insure everything of course. Do you wrap presents or will customs unwrap them while searching? Does customs search every package??? I bought Nicole a lot of Victoria's Secret's Skin Care Products and they come individually packages. Do you suggest my eaving them in the individual boxes, which is what I was planning to do. Again the gift wrapping issues.... All comments, thoughts and advise is helpful!!! Thanks again. Lawrence