My mother-in-law has lost "Face".

[maiyademama]

I don't think it matters where in China you are from...30,000 rmb is way too much. If you want to go along with the tradition (which is very old and not party line ), I think you should buy her a nice gift,,,(i dnon't know...new washing machine, moped, cell phone, computer, dsl, lots of nice techy gadgets you could get her that will help her stay in touch with your wife once she is here). To be honest, these days the trend is actually reversing...now many parents are giving money as gifts to the newly wed couple. 30,000 rmb is nearly 4,000 USD way over the top!

[markndannie]

My Lao puo and I were talking about this thread. She told me that this is a tradition. She also said that in some provinces it is observed more than others. Of course the money goes to buying "stuffs" for the new bride, which should be driven around town and then taken to the husbands home. Also there is a tradition of giving money to the wifes brothers and sisters which in turn is used for presents to the bride, but all in all it is "face" that may be the most important. My wife told me many parents will save for a long time to provide the son with the money to give to the new mother in law, she said this amount in the richer provinces is not unusual. Good luck!

mark

[oregonknl]

Taz has a point,

 

This is clearly not a "party line" tradition..... And my inlaws (party members) made it pretty clear that my big test was going to be passing their inspection of me --- not some material gift.....

 

.... Those old Communists ~ ! So provincial --- where are their material "Western Values" ?

[awch]

even you have shortcomings in your personalities,but you are a good guy

ouch.....

[kfman]

Hmmmm... never heard of this.. wonder if I should broach the subject, or leave it be... Tuesday is our chinese wedding ceremony... leaving on a jet plane tomorrow... woohooo... hmmmmm...

 

[Kaige]

Well Idon't have any idea what I paid, but since I have been there Mom needed a new TV and a new water cooler- RO maybe and we do send some money sometimes, next big thing might be a new Condo but that will be the Wifes and Mom and Dad will live in and take care of as we always try and take care of them, someday I will be able to live there. Can't wait for retirement 15 more years

[philb]

CFLers;

Thank you for threads like this. I've been dodging bullets and didn't even realize it!!!

Announced our engagement at a dinner party on Christmas Eve. I was "Santa" and had some nice gifts for everyone (24). Jan. 1- I gave a new year's card out to her Mother; her Brother and two Sisters; each with $1,000 yuan. I'm sure that the family and Mama are just thinking that all this is just a warmup for the real thing...Boy have I been waltzing along half oblivious to customs like this.

 

Trigg- is that 9er thing in US or Yuan? I think that the 8 thing is Feng Shui = good joss??? hell, what do I know?

 

You can leave that part unanswered,

Phil

[corvette]

True it's a Chinese tradition that the groom has to give money to his parents-in-law-to-be before the wedding. We call it "li jin", which means "gift money". Usually the parents-in-law-to-be set a fix amount, say RMB10k, 20k, 50k or even more. I've seen RMB300k too. But it's always "bargainable". well I have to make it clear that it's not that the bride's parents are greedy or demanding, sometimes they just want to get a financial guarantee for their beloved daughter and it's the way tradition goes.

 

In most cases the parents give the money back in one way or another after the wedding. For example, lending money to the newly-wed for purchasing a house oro some expensive furniture/elec stuff without requesting money back, or pay for the wedding banquet, things like that. As a return, the bride brings dowry as well and the value of the dowry is usually equal to the "li jin" that the groom gave. So, it's a "fair deal".

 

It's always nice to present some small gifts or pocket money to the Chinese families. It's the best trick.

[Trigg]

Trigg- is that 9er thing in US or Yuan?  I think that the 8 thing is Feng Shui = good joss???  hell, what do I know?

 

I was told the amount was not important but it must end in 9's in yuan. Frank did the same thing-9's in yuan. Our SO's are form zhanjiang.

 

This is not about money. It is about tradition. as many have said, mama wants to be sure you have a little $$$$$$$. It is just a courtesy to the new in laws.

[lao_po_in_shenzhen]

After seeing the replies to my post, I am beginning to think that I should have given the 30K RMB to mama instead of putting it towards the diamond ring. However, I am still glad that I choose to buy the ring. Is it common to buy a diamond ring for lao po? Did you buy one?

[Trigg]

After seeing the replies to my post, I am beginning to think that I should have given the 30K RMB to mama instead of putting it towards the diamond ring. However, I am still glad that I choose to buy the ring. Is it common to buy a diamond ring for lao po? Did you buy one?

Yup,I did, some do, some don't. My SO got a kick out of shoing it off in China and lying about how much it cost. Seems Chinese ladies like to one up each other when it come to how much money hubby has. To hear some of my wifes friends, I'm a very wealthy guy. To hear my wife-I'm a poor guy. My bill collectors and banker agree with the latter!

[Guest blsqueaky]

I thought about time to add my 2 cents here, since that is all that I am about worth now. Like many others have said, it depends on the tradition. I know that when the wife and I got married, all that the family asked for was a very small token, and I asked the wife what that would be, and it was a very small one, so there, it all depends. I know that one member had to put up a 8000RMB dowry, and years ago in the old tradition, it was normal, but then later, the more that it started to cost to get a place to live, then the families started to back off some.

 

The one thing that my family enjoyed more than anything else was when they saw the ring on their daughters finger, and then the matching wedding bands, and when we exchanged them for the first time in front of them, and then the sharing of the tea, and the exhange of the red envelopes

[shimaore]

umm funny guys thought it is what we call "dowry" , well in certain society it is money or gift , some have other do not have it. Look at it this way as a parents you would like your future son in law to show this gesture because :

- he is responsible financially

- respect certain tradition ( do not forget the generation gap you are not two individuals getting married but two families are brought together )

[frank1538]

umm funny guys thought it is what we call "dowry"

For some reason, I thought dowry related to money or valuables given BY the bride's family, not given TO the bride's family.

 

Having the groom give money to the bride's family (A Chinese tradition) and paying for everything was once explained to me this way. A woman is a lesser being than a man and you are now compensating the family for having raised her. While I don't subscribe to this archaic notion, I can understand the roots.

 

On the flip side, having the bride's family pay for the wedding (the old Western tradition) and giving a dowry was explained this way. The family has been burdened by having to raise a lesser being and is now willing to pay the groom to take this burden away. While I don't subscribe to this archaic notion, I can understand the roots.

 

Funny how in both instances, the basis for the tradition is the same, but the outcome is different. Another "East meets West".

[Jeikun]

The dowry was also to protect the bride, not so much to pay off the groom. In the instance of his death, it would be her means of support. Also, if they divorced, or she died childless etc... he was supposed to give the dowery back.