My mother-in-law has lost "Face".

[lao_po_in_shenzhen]

It all started 4 months ago when I met a Chinese woman in a chat room. We talked for hours about Chinese culture. This woman was unlike any woman I have ever met in my entire life. After a couple weeks of talking on the phone and chatting on line for hours each day, I knew this was the woman I have been waiting for. I flew to china, met her at the airport and married her that same day!

I spent 26 days in China. My wife and I traveled to Beijing, Hong Kong, and her home town of Shenzhen. This was an experience of a life time. Everything my wife told me prior to marriage was true. I now know that I made the best decision of my life.

A few days before I returned to the USA my wife told me about a strict tradition in China. This tradition requires the son-in-law to pay the mother-in-law for the right to marry her daughter. I could have paid her mother the money immediatly but instead I followed my original plan and I purchased a diamond ring for my wife.

Now I am back in the USA, my wife in china tells me that her mother has lost face because I have not paid her mother the 30,000RMB gift. I was saving to return to china to visit her in a couple months. Now I don't know if I dare show up without first paying up. Any similar experiences?

[Trigg]

Yup, gottas pay the mother-in-law but it doesn't have to be 30,000 rmb. The amount isn't important as long as it ends in 999, e.g. 1,999 or 19,999 etc.

[Chinese Wife!!!]

Now I am back in the USA, my wife in china tells me that her mother has lost “face” because I have not paid her mother the 30,000RMB gift. I was saving to return to china to visit her in a couple months. Now I don’t know if I dare show up without first paying up. Any similar experiences?

Sure LOVE my in-laws. I broached this subject several times. Always the response is that they would NOT take money (or large gifts) from me. Very happy with American ginseng, various small gifts such as scented hand and shower lotions and soaps, candy, cashews, love the smoked almonds and pistascho (happy) nuts, take them to dinner on occasin etc. They just want me to treat their daughter with respect. Maybe this is because she is divorced. Her parents have ALWAYS come by the day before or day of my departure. Maybe glad to see me off? I really don't think so- they are VERY loving and lovely folks.

 

Even at that I think the amount of 30K RMB for a first time bride is CRAZY. I have heard of amounts like Trigg has stated up to even $999.00 US but 30K RMB? Could I get a price check here? Sorry, but that's my opinion.

 

[Trigg]

yea 30k RMB seems like a bit much to me. If it is just a matter of saving face 1,999 RMB in a red envelope would do it. That is something like 240 USD.

[frank1538]

I popped for 9,999 yuan as part of the courtship ritual. But, what goes around comes around. Jingwen's parents' wedding gift (money, of course) to us was a very generous one.

[Trigg]

I think Frank makes a good point here. It isn't about the money-Frank gave and got back. It's about cultural courtesy. Example, for the first time since my wife has been her I sent money to my mother-in-law. She was tickled that her round eyed son-in-law thought about her on the eve of the Chinese new year. She promptly gave the money to my wife's sister and brother. My wife's brother sent money to my wife and her sister gave her mother money for the holiday. The mother-in-law is sending money to my new stepdaughter. Everyone got money and nobody lost face-or money.

 

I still think 30kRMB is way to much. It isn't really about the money--jsut saving face.

[Jason+Joanna]

For me, my S.O and I talk about this subject. It was planned the I meet her mom -- which we did in december. At that time I gave $5,000 RMB -- this was the requested about. She even offer to pay some of it, I thought that was a very gracious thought on her behalf. However, I paid the whole 5,000 -- and I think I got the best part of the deal :-) .

[tonado]

Yes, it is common to give money to parents of her family prior to marrying her. It is like a blessing for marriage. Usually, the amount is around $999 USD. Requesting 30,000 RMB is in the high end. People from the Guangdow province expect big gifts.

 

Wow, you got married after meeting her on the first day.

[Trigg]

Fang Ling told me 8 at first-then she changed it to 9. Se said anything ending in eight is lucky-4 is unlucky but wedding $ should end in 9. Every notice that almosteveryhting you buy in china ends in and 8?

[sylinchinastill]

In China it is also a tradition that the man buys the house and the woman furnishes the inside with electronics, stove, washer, furniture, etc.- You could just take a picture of your washer and send it- hah!

Really, this is a bit steep.

[ptcrusier333rph]

I pay up what I can( keep peace with wife) you can always ask wife if you can make installment.

 

I'm sure you enjoy the interest(from the wife)

 

robert

 

just hope no penalties for being late.

 

 

[beijingjenny]

Wow, we're lucky we avoided all this. We didn't give anyone anything (but then we never really celebrated with family so far...) and didn't accept the money offered by the family either. And everyone seems happy enough. We wanted to celebrate in Fuzhou this Spring Festival but his dad refused and came here instead. Jack will give him money anyway just because. And luckily for me no MIL in the picture.

[lao_gong_in_salt_lake]

 

Hubby,wow,you wrote an article here!I am so proud of you. You are a good husband,I love you so much.Thank you for discovering me in China.I didn't choose the best,but the best chose me.Hubby,you are the best.I am so lucky to marry you.

 

I am surprised that so many American guys know the Chinese tradition of giving money to the mother in law to marry her daughter and they followed the tradition. Most men give money to the mother before marrying her daughter.But now we are married already without paying my mother in advance,you can be tricky now,you don't have to pay my mother,but she will not be happy.

 

We have many traditions,some seem very strange and unreasonable for foreigners.But many traditions are very interesting for foreigners. It is up to you if you want to follow our tradition.But for me,no matter where I am,I know I am Chinese,I am proud to be Chinese,I love Chinese culture and would love to maintain many of our traditions.

 

Hubby,I love you so much,you are a good husband,even you have shortcomings in your personalities,but you are a good guy,you deserve all my love.

[ptcrusier333rph]

see already making good interest on the payment.

 

 

robert

[lao_po_in_shenzhen]

Hubby,I love you so much,you are a good husband,even you have shortcomings in your personalities,but you are a good guy,you deserve all my love.

did my wife say i have "shortcomings"?

 

Well, let me think… Maybe my shortcomings include not being able to say “no” to my new ma ma? Just kidding, I love you too.