Chinese Weddings

[LouRose]

We are already married technically, but we are starting to think about a June wedding in Harbin. It feels weird that I'm going to have a Chinese wedding, and I've never even been to one. So, for those of you that have been to Chinese weddings or have had your own, tell me about it! What do they do? What do they say? What's fun about them? What isn't? I'm interested in any of your experiences with this. thanks!

[egolessvegan]

I think you will need to say I DO in Mandarin or Cantonese.

[MoonCarolCafe]

We are already married technically, but we are starting to think about a June wedding in Harbin. It feels weird that I'm going to have a Chinese wedding, and I've never even been to one. So, for those of you that have been to Chinese weddings or have had your own, tell me about it! What do they do? What do they say? What's fun about them? What isn't? I'm interested in any of your experiences with this. thanks!

(I only had a civil ceremony in China)

 

Having attended several Chinese weddings here in the USA, I think you'll find they beat the stuffing out of western-style weddings.

 

Summary:

 

Groom starts out at his house, rides a white horse (Usually a rented white Mercedes S600 / Rolls Royce/ BMW760) to the bride's house leading a parade of parents, siblings, friends, carrying an assortment of gifts (roast pigs at a coupld of the ones I participated in).

 

Oh, and lots of red envelopes. Don't forget the envelopes with CRISP bills.

 

The procession gets to the brides house, the folks inside act suprised "Who's this at our door come to pick up our daughter?" and then the husband-to-be has to bribe his way into the house to get at the missus. Once inside, gifts are presented, permission to marry is asked and granted, blessings are given, then everyone piles back into thier cars to caravan away.

 

The reception is later in the day, with perhaps 10 times the number of people present who were actually at the wedding. The couple greets everyone at the door where guests are encouraged to make gifts of cash to the newlyweds. The bride changes into several different dresses during the reception; the one she wears to greet you at the door is not the one that she wears on the way home. Lots of food, bottles of expensive booze on every table, entertainers of indeterminate gender, loads of fun.

 

I like to attend OTHER peoples elaborate weddings, but I think I'll skip the show for us. We've been happily married for over 2 years, it's a bit late to throw a party now.

 

Anyone think I've missed anything? Please speak up!

[frank1538]

I gave a buddy a rather lengthy description of my ceremonial wedding in Zhanjiang to give him an idea of what to expect when he went to China to get married. Recognizing 1) this was written from the male perspective and 2) traditions vary from region to region, if you want this let me know. I think it's too lengthy to post on CFL, but I'd be happy to share it with you.

[frank1538]

I gave a buddy a rather lengthy description of my ceremonial wedding in Zhanjiang to give him an idea of what to expect when he went to China to get married.  Recognizing 1) this was written from the male perspective and 2) traditions vary from region to region, if you want this let me know.  I think it's too lengthy to post on CFL, but I'd be happy to share it with you.

Go for it, Frank. I would be an interesting read.

Your wish is my command. This was written for Monte, a CFL member who married a woman in Zhanjiang.

 

Monte, here goes.

 

Just a couple of preliminary observations. Bring plenty of money or at least have access to it. It is Chinese tradition that the man pays for everything, and I mean everything. The basis seems to be that the man is now compensating the family for having taken care of a "worthless" woman for so many years. Of course, this is totally opposite of the tradition in the US.

 

Next, be totally flexible and enjoy the experience. As I indicated earlier, mine was a quasi traditional wedding ceremony, and we did not register the wedding. But, let me tell you. While the government may not recognize the marriage, Jingwen and I sure do.

 

Now, for the details.

 

Picture Taking Before the Wedding.

 

On the day before the wedding, we had pictures taken - almost an obsession among the Chinese. It was an all day affair. We started at the studio. All clothes, wedding gowns, everything, are rented for that day as well as the bride's clothes for the actual ceremony the next day. For the pictures, you will probably dress in traditional Chinese clothing, black tuxedos, white tuxedos, and maybe other garments, depending on how elaborate the picture taking will be. Ruwei will also have a variety of gowns, including the wedding gown, and the traditional red slit dress. Most of the studio shots were formal - not many candid shots.

 

After the studio session, we went on location, to the parks, the water, and the gardens around town for more picture taking. The photo studio took care of everything. Most shots were posed. It will wear you out, but it was a lot of fun.

 

I am trying to remember what the cost was for this. Don't hold me to it, but I think it ran about $300.

 

Your Wedding Clothes.

 

After the picture taking, we had to go shopping for my wedding clothes. Apparently, it is Chinese tradition that the groom have all new clothes. So, off to the department store to buy everything, including underwear. I bought a white shirt, reddish maroon tie, navy trousers, reddish maroon socks, and, of course, skimpy underwear (Jingwen's choice). Jingwen did not press for a jacket since it was very hot (August).

 

The Night Before the Wedding.

 

I had been staying at Jingwen's apartment (her parents live with her), but, for the night before the wedding, I got kicked out - stayed at the Hai Bin Hotel - not bad.

 

That night after shopping, Jingwen's male friends came to the hotel, picked me up, and took me to a disco, kind of like a bachelor party - no women allowed. Unfortunately for me, it was Jingwen's female friends who spoke better English, but Jingwen was insistent that I have a male interpreter with me. So, she arranged for a kid from the local college to help with the language barrier. Great kid, terrible translator. Jingwen made all the plans for the party, so I had no idea what to expect.

 

It was during this bachelor party that I met my best man for the first time. The role of the best man apparently is to make sure that the groom gets up the next morning to go through the courtship ritual. I can't remember my best man's name now, but he was great - a really nice guy.

 

Anyhow, we went to the disco that night and drank beer. If you haven't learned about some of the bar games, you will learn about it here. Lots of dice games, and number games. Loser takes a drink, loser gets drunk. Lots of karaoke too. Some female barflies too. Incidentally, there doesn't seem to be a drinking age in China, so you'lll see teenagers drinking too, and just about every man smokes. Cigarettes are always shared.

 

My translator kept saying that we should go home because we had a big day ahead of us. When I asked him what to expect, he said the biggest thing would be the dinner. He said we would need to be ready at 5. I assumed he meant 5:00 pm, the dinner. No problem, let's party. We drank a lot of beer and called its quits about 1:00 am. The best man took me home.

 

In all honesty, I can't remember if I picked up the entire tab that night, but I know I made at least a significant contribution to the pot. My guess is that it ran about $100 for the entire night (private room, beer, and bar food).

 

The Wedding Day.

 

At 5:00 am, as in before daybreak, the best man, the interpreter, the photographer, and a bunch of my new drinking buddies are banging on the hotel door. The interpreter is saying we've got to go to Jingwen's apartment. WTF, I'm barely awake. But, everybody comes in, I grab a quick shower, and the photographer takes out his camcorder and begins recording everything. Well, I get dressed in my new clothes, and prepare the gifts.

 

The best man brought a box of flowers to be used later in the day.

 

Gifts. Here I think the customs vary depending on how traditional the family is. For me, this is what I brought.

 

1. The principal gift is the payment to the family. Nine is a lucky number in China, so I had 9,999 yuan (about $1,200) for the mother/father. All money gifts went into little red envelopes that we bought at the store when I was buying my clothes. This gift would be tendered to the father.

 

2. The wedding rings. Jingwen and I bought wedding rings to exchange on our wedding day. Platinum is preferred to gold in China. Again, we bought these while we were shopping for clothes. I don't remember the specific prices, but I figure about $200 for both. She took my ring home with her, and I took her ring with me to wrap (in red) to present to her later. I had previously given her an engagement ring during another visit, but this apparently is not a Chinese tradition.

 

3. A traditional teapot, cups, and tea. The teapot had a dragon and phoenix on it, the traditional symbols for male/female, yin/yang, and the state of marriage. This was given to mom (I think).

 

4. Special red chopsticks, to give to mom.

 

5. Marlboro cigarettes (red box, of course) to give to dad.

 

6. A wedding nightgown to give to Jingwen.

 

7. Matching birthstone ring, earrings, and necklace to give to Jingwen.

 

8. Li shi (pronounced lie see). These are red packets of money to be used later. Most were stuffed with a twenty dollar bill, but a few had $100 (US) in them. For some reason, there was a preference for US money for these packets.

 

One gift that was given in advance to Jingwen was a new bed (frame and mattress). Tradition apparently calls for a new bridal bed for the new couple. I don't remember the cost of the bed, but I remember that we coupled the bed with some other renovations to the apartment (not traditionally required) for a total of about $1,000.

 

Ok, gifts wrapped, and off we go, down to the car, provided by Jingwen's brother-in-law. I only take the ring with me. The car is decked out in flowers, ribbons, dolls, and assorted decorations, all provided by the guys (I guess). It is now about 6:00 am. We drive around town for a while, the photographer recording bits and pieces along the way, and we finally arrive at Jingwen's apartment.

 

Apparently, she has been getting ready too.

 

We knock on the door, and the apartment is full, mostly women friends, including the bridesmaid. As part of the tradition, they won't let me in. All the guys are shouting to open the door. All the women are saying no. Finally, the bridesmaid says that I must pay li shi to enter, and I hand over one of the packets with a twenty in it, and we are allowed to enter.

 

Jingwen is decked out in her wedding gown, and I am asked to profess my love for her, and the best man is asked to do push ups (not sure why). We do this and then we exchange the rings and cheek kiss. No other public displays of affection. We then went into the living room where the parents, family, are senior relatives are waiting.

 

First, I offer the 9,999 yuan packet to dad which is accepted. Always offer with both hands holding the offering. Then one of the sisters brought out some a sweet rice ball "soup" in each cup. We drink this and then I am given special tea. I offer the tea to dad and ask (in Chinese) if he would drink the tea. I can't remember the exact words, but Jingwen told me what to say - had to write it on my hand to remember. Then I did the same with mom and the oldest uncle.

 

Jingwen repeated these offerings of tea, and everybody is cheering and laughing and having a grand time. I think I just got married.

 

Then Jingwen and I head back down to the car and off we go for a little parade through town so everybody can see the new married couple, camcorder going of course. We end up back at the hotel where I give Jingwen the rest of the gifts. While in the hotel, I handed more of the li shi packets to family members and special guests - the $20 variety.

 

A side note on gift giving. The Chinese do not express much in the way of thanks for a gift. At first, I thought that I might have offended someone or that the gift was inappropriate, but this is not the case. Gratitude is just not a common outward expression

 

Here it gets a little foggy, but I think that we went for a late breakfast, mostly family members and close friends. I do remember such a breakfast at the hotel banquet hall, but I'm not sure about the day. After breakfast, I think, off we go again, camera running, to take more pictures in an around the hotel gardens.

 

It is now late morning, and I'm starting to feel the heat (and lack of sleep). But, we had a grand time. The photographer again took snippets with the camcorder. I didn't realize it at the time, but he would later mix these snippets to produce a wonderful VCD.

 

By late afternoon, we have finished with the picture taking and begin to work our way to the banquet hall at the hotel to prepare for the feast. Jingwen had made all the arrangements for the banquet, and I don't really remember much of the details on the kind of food we ate, so I don't know if there was some significance to menu.

 

Anyway, Jingwen and I and the best man and bridesmaid stand outside of the hotel to greet the invited guests. As each arrived, I offered a cigarette to the man (from a special carton with double happiness symbols on it - brought by someone in the family, I guess). Each guest gave Jingwen a packet of money. Most stopped so that a group picture could be taken. The guests then went inside, while Jingwen and I waited for more to come. At some point during this procession, I gave the best man a li shi packet with the hundred in it, and Jingwen gave the bridesmaid a similar packet.

 

After the last guest arrived, I escorted Jingwen into the banquet hall to recorded music up to the head table where the family and wedding party were seated. Various toasts were offered. A side note here - you will be expected to drink a little with every toast. For me, this was a white liquor, bai jiu, about 100-120 proof. The designed intent is to get the groom drunk before the evening is over. One other side note, When glasses are tapped in toasting, the person with the lower status taps his glass at the lower height, but I never could figure out it that meant the my glass was to be the higher or lower one. I used the rule of thumb that, if it was a family elder, I would toast low.

 

We ate many courses during the evening, and drank much. I also had to go to each table and thank each group for coming. This necessitated more toasting and drinking. By this point in the evening, I was feeling pretty good. Sometime during the evening, Jingwen slipped out and changed from her wedding gown into her red slit dress.

 

If I remember, the banquet was for about 70 or so people, and the total tab, including hall, food, and liquor, was about $600.

 

The dinner banquet ended at about 11:00 pm, and many of the guests headed back with us to Jingwen's apartment and into the bedroom. The youngest boy and girl of the family (ages 2 and 4) were asked to jump up and down on the bed, on which there were 10-20 coins. This symbolized good fortune and many children.

 

Then Jingwen and I had to perform a few games. She and I had to pick up a peanut, each of us holding one chipstick - a lot harder than it looks. We had to transfer an apple from under her chin to under my chin without the use of hands. She laid down on the bed and the women covered her with a handful of nuts, and I, blindfolded, had to use only my mouth to find the nuts.

 

There were a few other games, but, by this time, I was exhausted. But, eventually, everyone left, and Jingwen and I had our first night together as lao po and lao gong.

 

Monte, this is probably a lot more than you expected, but I hope it helps you figure out what will be in store for you.

 

I'm sure you'lll have a wonderful time, and if you have any questions, drop my a line, and I'l try my best to answer them

 

Frank

[grenade]

Chinese weddings are easy and fun. I had an experience similar to MoonCarolCafe's.

 

Just make sure you go to each table to thank your guests with a toast. One toast for the entire table is acceptable. Maybe individual toasts for the more important guests. Bring bottled water to substitute for the alcohol if your drinking skill is not up to par. It looks the same if you pour it into the shot glass.

[eeyore]

(I only had a civil ceremony in China)

 

My Lao po and I did the same thing. Did you get the red book w/photos?

[egolessvegan]

Since I don't drink alcohol, the water idea is a good one.

Ken

[beijingjenny]

Yes, money and food! And drinking for the men. I just went to one wedding and that was my impression. I thought it was intersting though, the bride's side gave gifts and the groom's money.

 

We just did a civil ceremony so far but we might go at Spring Festival for a rather belated feast or something (might be strange with my big belly by then but Chinese don't seem to matter when you do it as long as you do it). Not all the trimmings, like clothes and picutres but food!

[maiyademama]

Chinese weddings are easy and fun.  I had an experience similar to MoonCarolCafe's.

 

Just make sure you go to each table to thank your guests with a toast.  One toast for the entire table is acceptable.  Maybe individual toasts for the more important guests.  Bring bottled water to substitute for the alcohol if your drinking skill is not up to par.  It looks the same if you pour it into the shot glass.

My Chinese Muslim friends always use Sprite

[LouRose]

Thanks, Frank - cool to read about the whole process - i didn't realize it was such an all-day event, now i know why my husband keeps telling me how tired i'll be. i've heard a little about those games before, they sound a little weird. guess you just gotta go with the flow.

if anyone has any other wedding-related anecdotes, please share!

[MoonCarolCafe]

if anyone has any other wedding-related anecdotes, please share!

In the mid-90's I was part of the wedding party for a Chinese wedding. My first time being IN the wedding instead of just going TO the wedding. My job along with one other guy is to be the Best Man's ground-pounders. The Best Man has to be available for pictures, keep his attention on the groom, stand around looking pleasant and Best Manly. Our job was to actually get things done-- making certain all the cars in the convoy had the double-happiness stickers on them, checking traffic reports to determine at the last moment the best route to take from the groom's house to the bride's house, being rude as needed to the other guests to get them in line. We get to the bride's house as an advance crew, make certain the driveway is clear so the rented White LS400 can park front and center, that everone is ready so the Best Man can show up in 15 minutes and take all the credit. (We also re-parked the LS400 while the groom was inside dickering for his bride so they would not have to reverse the car down the driveway.)

 

So far so good...

 

The invites said the reception starts at 18:00. The invites also said RSVP, but as I later found out a RSVP on a Chinese wedding invite means about as much as a 65mph speed limit sign on a straight, lonely stretch of interstate highway. It's 17:40 and I am FREAKING out because the restaurant (The Sam Woo in San Gabriel) is normally 20 minutes away, and I had wanted to be there at 17:15 to being with! My partner (From Taiwan, limited English) is assuring me that everything is OK, there won't be a problem, this is normal. Normal like hell I say, as long as I'm a wedding goon the wedding will happen as planned and on schedule! We manage to get to the plaza at 18:05, I go racing upstairs to the restaurant expecting to see a crowd of people aimlessly milling about... And the busboys are just starting to roll the banquet tables out of storage into a large room that is absent of any sign that a wedding reception is scheduled to occur in 5 minutes, and far more importantly, no sign of any guests!!!

 

I'm certain the look on my face was priceless.

 

I get in touch with the Best Man who explains that it's OK, no problem, nobody will start to show up for another 2 hours or so. And except for a caucasian couple who arrived at 18:30, he was pretty much correct. The rest of the wedding/reception went off without a hitch. So many people came who had who had not RSVP that I gave up trying to get them properly seated... but the bride had already planned for that and everyone was still able to eat. Back then my ability to comprehend spoken Chinese was about 2 words on a good day, but the entertainers were first rate.

 

After they tallied up the cash gifts the new couple made a slight profit on having the reception. After the party shut down armed guards escorted the newlyweds and the

bag-o-cash down to the Lexus (which I had parked out front).

 

Afterwards I had 2 boxes of leftover Hennesy, Crown Royal, and some expensive champaigne that I had to dispose of... poor poor me. B)

[awch]

It's really great to read about all these elaborate weddings- I think if we have a Chinese wedding before we go back to the US we'll just do the dinner part.

[warpedbored]

I kind of regret not having a Chinese ceremony while I was in China. It sounds like great fun but expensive. Next time we go though we plan to do the photo thing.

[Mengxin]

Why wait until June? Decemeber's a great time to get married in Harbin. that way you can get off cheap. You invited everyone, but for some reason nobody wanted to show up to your outdoor wedding.

 

BBBrrrrrrrrr..... It's down right cold there.