Very important - I need advice ! ! !

[PJ]

PS and there's nothing wrong with a little test. Trust, but verify.

 

I don't know if saying you would move to China and live the simple life would be convincing, depends on how well you carry it off and what she knows about your background and situation.

 

The create-a-new-profile idea sounds a bit more viable. I'd try something like that.

 

Hate to advocate deception, but I believe a small white lie on your part might be best to determine if there is a huge one on the other side or not.

[oregonknl]

PJ,

 

spo many of us are new here --- can you repost your personal account (if its not too much like opening an old wound..) ...think it could be very educational...

[PJ]

Please go to the FAQ link pinned at the top of the board. Clifford's post has a full catalog of my story.

 

I'd rather not turn discussion of this thread toward a past incident, but if you wish to read about it for historic/educational purposes, please by all means do so. Just please be respectful and let's not discuss the past, I believe that it's good to learn from one's mistakes, but do not believe in continually reliving it.

 

P.J.

[maiyademama]

I disagree- I think she is definitely up to something- Chinese girls are generally slower- if she just disrobed for no reason- that is strange- and if she has professional pictures done that is another sign- if I wanted to meet a guy- I wouldn't only try online- I would try more than one way. I would go out, etc. so I wouldn't have professional pictures done- it's a waste of money- unless you are trying to sell yourself- and it's like an investment- she spent a certain amount on the pics and then says her financial position is bad- of course it is- she just shelled out tons for pictures. I think for her it was like buying merchandise- she put a little bit of money out there to earn larger returns- I think when the time comes to go to China- it should be with someone you are sure about- it's too much money to go if you have any reservations.

I agree with Syl 100%!!!

 

Chinese woman, especially ones who are looking for love and marriage, do not just throw their chastity aside like that. If she REALLY wants to marry a NICE guy she will do EVERYTHING to preserve her dignity and respect. Even my Chinese girlfriends who would be considered *promiscuous* would not want the man they wish to marry thinking they are "easy." I Think your concerns are well founded and I do not think you should waste the money for a plane ticket to China for THIS woman. Find someone who does not sound off your radar like this. You have intuition and it seems like you are listening to it. Now Heed it!

[Robert S.]

Okay, I agree with others to try to verify the situation but I also agree with you that you might be missing out on something. For her to say "I love you" and act sexy is not suspicious in itself, it is her just trying to use what assets she does have. It might seem pushy but she is an ambitious girl to have offered herself for contact in the first place. Maybe one of her girlfriends told her to be real sexy. I am not try to stand up for her too much but just to remind you that your fears could be telling more about yourself than about her. But yes do be careful. Also the alternate identity thing maybe would not be a sure test because you have not been communicating with her long enough for her to have said you were the only man she could be interested in, it looks like you are still in the very early stages. So don't get all down in the dumps, lighten up and keep trying, over time you will see what is really going on, and then you can go over there if it seems warranted.

[bald guy]

She seems to move very fast in comparison to American women. She has already INITIATED removing her cloths while chatting. I had hinted at nothing! Was very quick to say "I Love You" and "I want to marry you". I am not a good looking guy nor do I have very much money. She descibes her financial situation as bad and quickly accepted my offer to send her money. The biggest thing was that she went all out to make her "presentation"... She only has proffessional photos to send, and would send more sexy ones each time. It seems to me she has done everything possible to attract an American man and only speaks positive about our relationship. No matter what I say bad about myself - she is just fine with it! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning, I showed my MM this post and her first response was, "ta yiding you bing le" - she's crazy. Then she said she thought the girl was just trying "take his bank account."

 

I really think the second identity idea, is great.

[olemanoman1950]

How did I Know She was the One? She didnt ask for money until we were Married and what she asked for was a mere pittance from my wallet. I tested My Then Girlfriend to see if She was easy and ask her to Disrope and She Said NOT. Good Sign! She( actually her translater ) did put the same Photo she sent me in the Asianeuro site. I asked her why she said just in case it didnt work out between us. OK I still had my profile in Match.com too so no big thing. She did say I Love You after about our 5th E-mail to each other but I told her too soon to be saying those words now. When I went to China I could not touch her until she saw the proof of being single document. She was Divorced for 7 years. They say the Chinese way is to get some Security in their Life and the Love will Grow as the Relationship Grows. But what made me know she was the one was the Fork,Knife and Spoon she bought for me when I told her I was practicing using Chopsticks.

So I for one am a Believer in the 2nd Profile test. I did it to (My at the Time Girlfriend ) Just to be sure.

[oregonknl]

Personally, I find the "second profile" test to be kind of treacherous....

 

..... Yes, if I had to pick one word to describe my ex-wife, that would be it, and yes, I will admit that I got out of that relationship and into one on the internet which ended up in China and turned out to be with: You guessed it ~! another treacherous woman ! ...

 

I don't doubt that such a test could be rather effective, just that having EXPERIENCED that type, wouldn't want to join the class.....

 

After I came back from my disaster in Beijing, I reluctantly went back to AsiaFriendFinder, but told the women I was contacting up front that I was contacting others. Fei was one of those, and over several months the others dropped by the wayside, as I realized ---SHE was the one!

 

Which is why I have suggested: If you are going to make match on the internet, and if you are going to focus on China --- meet several women ... so you can get to know them somewhat BEFORE you hop a plane to China....

 

--Kim

[tywy_99]

WoW!!.....Vigilance runs rampant here!,,,....sprinkled with deceit even! The original poster has even waivered; and they have been communicating for several months?......c'mon ppl,,,give the girl a chance! All this seems to give credence to my suggestion of, "go to China' and see for yourself. Make a vacation, an adventure out of it even! If it doesn't work out then you still got a good trip out of the US and to an enchanting country and who knows what good things fate might throw your way while over there[like ms. right?]

 

JMHO.....to be fair, honest, and positive. Of course there are scammers all throughout this great big dirtball of ours but everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I reiterate........fly to China and see for yourself, if you really do have feelings for her!

 

"judge not lest be judged"

[Dianaqiu]

Wow!!I thought myself was quite an sexually open-minded Chinese girl, but this girl's behavior was way beyond being open-minded----that's not how a "traditinal Chinese girl" behaves like. I don't think it's her friend that told her to do so either,just i do know that sex is the last thing we talk about in China between friends, no matter how close you are.Especially when you're a single girl who's never married.

Anyways, my husband and i both think that you're probably just one of the 10 guys(if not more) that she's been working on. She wants to make men fall and then she can get money from them and even use them to get her out of China. But if i were her, behaving sexually wouldn't be the first choice. Forgive me for saying this, she's kinda stupid thinking showing her body would turn men on and make them fall in love with her,hehe,that sounds too much like the Thai "monthly wives" that i've known. They work on you to make you feel that they really like you and really care about you and all they want is to empty out your wallet.Well,their tricks are even more professional and smarter as at least they do know how to play men arround...

I know i'm getting a little bit too far on this topic, but all i want to say is that if you don't wanna get hurt you'd better back off NOW!!She's far not worth you travelling all the way to China.

One more thing, you said "I am one who generally is doubtful if somethng seems to good to be true..." I'm wondering from what point she makes you feel that she's the "something" that's too good to be true??Her knowledge?Her thinking?The common she has with you??Or it's just her being young and having a nice body??Think it over that what do you really think that's good in her, if there're more than 3 things that's good in her besides her body and those are what you really care about in the girl that you're looking for, maybe we're all wrong and then it's worth you booking a tix flying to her.

Otherwise??You should know she's just one of those girls, who are too lazy to make their own money but always dream of getting everything they want from the men that they can fool.

Good luck!~

[a2396]

Quite a coincidence I just happened to read this forum tonight. I certainly can speak with experience regarding this subject, since I went to China and foolishly married an internet aquaintence, without spending adequate time getting to know her situation and motives. If I were you, I wouldn't waste your time and money going to China to meet this one until you give it plenty of time.

 

Who knows what she is really up to? I got fleeced for money for marriage dowry, living expenses for her, jewlery, etc. When I returned to the USA, she emailed me saying that "Mama", who I never met, objected to the marriage because of our age difference. A few months later I got an email requesting a divorce, which I am now in the process of trying to accomplish via a lawyer in China. I have had little communication and no further explanations from her and assume she has gone on to the next customer.

 

Professional picutres are standard fare for Chinese women. It could be that she is for real, but give it plenty of time and make sure all the components of her story make sense, ie. her family, her job, her education and background, etc, etc. Good luck.

[Martytb]

Testing sucks!!!! It is deceitful and can lead to incorrect conclusions.

I was tested and the results were so far from the truth I had to laugh, cry and laugh again. It did not seem to matter to the tester if she was right or not. I believe there was more going on than anybody else was aware, but you do what you think you have to, to feel comfortable with this lady. It's your life.

[Guest Fionas_Fiance]

A traditional Chinese woman would not disrobe before you met her in

person in China and you were practically engaged, because she would

be afraid of scaring you away.

 

A traditional Chinese woman would not take money from you because

she would be afraid of scaring you away.

 

The only webcam surprise I ever got from my fiance was when she

put her parents on!

 

My fiance hid her profile from match.com after about five email/chat

exchanges, and I did the same a couple of chats later. When you

think you have found "the one," you do not keep advertising for

others. If her profile is still visible, it seems very bizarre to me that

she would be disrobing for you. If you are serious enough for her

to disrobe, you should be serious enough for her to hide her profile.

 

The "what if it doesn't work out" argument is invalid. She can always

temporarily hide or suspend her profile and re-enable it later. If someone

says she loves you but needs to keep her profile active, it is bullshit.

 

My fiance never accepted money from me until we were engaged and had

told her parents. She even spent money traveling from Beijing to Shenzhen

where we met, and she would not allow me to reimburse her expenses.

This in spite of the fact that I make a LOT more money than her. Again,

Chinese women are aware that asking for money is taboo, and if they

seriously want a relationship, they will avoid taking money like the plague.

At least the smart ones who are seriously interested in marriage do.

 

The way I see it, if she still has a visible profile even though she is

showing her body to you, you should assume she is a slut and act

accordingly. If you want to continue because you like seeing her body

and the price is right, go ahead. But try to back off emotionally. This

sounds like the kind of girl who actually would marry you, but would

likely leave you after a couple of years, once she was used to America.

 

I would urge you to consider going to China just because it will help

you understand that there are a Zillion nice, pretty, sincere Chinese

girls there who would be interested in dating an American. Go into any

mall in Shenzhen and you will get tons of attention, trust me. Some of

it will be negative ("what planet are you from?") but much of it will be

Obviously Inviting ("come back when you are done with her"). I happen

to love my fiance very much so I looked on it all anthropologically, but

for a single guy, the opportunities seemed to be endless. Sometimes

my fiance and I would have to laugh about it, it was so obvious.

 

Visiting China may give you some confidence about yourself so you

realize that you can afford to be picky. Don't go into this with the

attitude that this is the only chance you have to get a young, pretty

wife. You couldn't be more wrong. You should be choosy. There are

tons of young, pretty women over there. If you aren't careful you

will trip on one of them.

 

I agree with one of the other posters, sex and attractiveness are

great, but the relationship is everything in the end. My fiance is sexy

as hell (at least to me) but I am marrying her because we can talk

about ANYTHING and we found early on that even when we disagreed

on something, we could discuss it and enjoy finding out each other's

perspectives. We never "argue" about anything. And when i got to

China, her Dad was so nice! He carried my heavy bag for about a half

a mile to the car, even though I kept pleading with them to let me

carry it. Her mom spent a lot of time cooking the greatest meals for me.

It's pretty easy to tell when you've got something real.

 

If you get the right Chinese woman, it can be really wonderful.

I consider myself hugely fortunate to have met my future wife,

and I feel very confident that we will stay married forever. You

need to ask yourself, even if she is really interested in marrying

you, is this the kind of person you would likely be married to

forever? You already sound uncomfortable. Maybe she simply

isn't the right girl for you. That doesn't necessarily mean that

there is anything wrong with either of you - maybe you are

just not a match! Welcome to dating!

 

Maybe you should go to China, get to know her better, with

the understanding that you aren't sure yet. Don't wait until

you can't live without her to go there. The more casual you

can be when you go there, the more rationale will be your

decision. Watch her in the little things, like how she treats

other people. Is she nice to you but mean to everyone else?

Then RUN! Sooner or later she'll be mean to you, too. If you

can find someone who is nice to everyone, even the janitors,

then she is probably a keeper.

 

If she is sincere, you will know it. I was so touched by the way

my fiance's mom and dad treated me. By the time I proposed, there

was absolutely no doubt in my mind that not only did she love me,

and I loved her, but that I would be welcomed in as part of the family.

I don't think you should settle for less than that. You can definitely

find True Love in China. Don't assume you have to meet her on the

internet. If you feel comfortable enough to go over there and visit

this one, fine! But treat it as just a visit, withhold making any serious

promises/commitments. I would recommend staying at 4-star hotels

so you won't be dependent on her (plus they will have western toilets

and food). In most cities, a 4-star hotel is less than $40 if you bargain

at all, and at least one or two people will speak English. If you decide

she's not for you, try to find as nice a way as possible to break it off,

like tell her you're not good enough and suggest you introduce her to

a friend of yours who is more handsome and makes more money.

 

In closing, let me say this: I have a friend here in San Diego, who is

a female from China, and who married an American man of Chinese

descent. She said of ten couples she knows that got married in the

last five years, where the husband was from the US and the wife

was from China, EIGHT have split up. Almost every time, it was a

case of the wife learning English, learning how to drive, getting a

job, and finding her husband boring and inadequate. No matter where

you meet your wife, sooner or later she's going to start acting like an

American! Make sure that she still loves you and has good reasons

for staying with you when she does. Your only real security in any

relationship is, does the other person think she is getting a good deal?

Do you make her happy? Is there something unique about you that

really turns her on? If not, don't be too enthusiastic about the fact

that you can get some woman from China to marry you. That part

turns out to be fairly easy. What you want is someone who will marry

you and STAY married to you. That takes a little more time and legwork.

And it is definitely worth the effort.

 

- Ben

[MoonCarolCafe]

You only worry about your wife acting like an American, if you married her because she is Chinese.

 

Why did I marry a Chinese woman? Because Cupid was busy with other couples when I was in France/ Poland/ Botswana.

 

Edit: For those not in the know, I used to be a bit "racist" towards mainland Chinese. Older members will see the irony in me feeling like this.

[Larry & Meirong]

This topic has touched a deep nerve in us all hasn't it? From the time I began communicating with Meirong, she has always been trustworthy, direct, honest, truthful. She has always done her part and more, without demanding things in return. That is why I love her so deeply, trust her so much, admire her spirit and strength, adore her beauty-inner and outer. She has always been truthful with me. I have NEVER doubted her and her love. That is why the bond is so very deep with her, and I admire her with all my heart. I am in awe of the strength, beauty, wisdom of my Chinese women. If you can't find these traits in a Chinese woman, move on. There are so many that do have these traits. I trust my wife with my heart, my posessions/our posessions, my money, everything I have is hers/ours.