Money for ma ma

[amberjack1234]

Some pretty good thoughts here. It is my belief that this bride dowry or

bride price is a left over from more ancient times when indeed you had to pay for your bride. I also agree that this is the reason that the further out in the country you get the more this exchange is honored. It would be great if there was a guarantee or warranty to go along with the purchase. Most of the time in modern day China it is just tradition. It is of my opinion that these very high bride prices are verging on a scam. At its very best it is to extort money out of the rich foreigner.

 

If an American and a Chinese girl marries and ma ma or ba ba needs money for some kind of problem of course I think that all of us would be more than happy to help them just as we would our own parents.

 

Another thing that has not been said is that this bride price is only paid the first time that the girl gets married and never again. If this girl has been married before I would be very cautious.

 

I was one of the lucky ones I was not ask for a penny and it was her first marriage. I did bring some inexpensive gifts which is customary but it did not have anything with my wife and I getting married as we bring gifts every time that we go to see them.

 

Larry

[Mike and Yan]

You rarely get this kinda stuff with the city gals. Instead, they just ask for Gucci, Prada, LV, Burberry....

 

And don't forget Birkenstock, Manolos, Marc Jacobs, Armani, Guess.

 

Of course, there's also Calvin Klein, Guess, Ferragamo....

 

 

Trust me, you're better off paying the $5,000.

$5000!!!!? ? ? ????

 

THAT'S INSANE!!!

 

(...ummmm . . are you getting anything in return?)

[amberjack1234]

I guess my relationship must be the exception to the rule. Good luck to anyone who is expected to fork over their cash to their wife/girlfriends family.

 

I married a girl from Hunan. I was never once asked, nor was it suggested I give cash to anyone. I did buy a few gifts for her parents but they were very simple and were really no more then what they gave to me and sent for my family in the states.

 

I would also like to add that my wife NEVER asks me for money and I have a hard time getting her to accept any.

 

I think the old phrase "Buyer Beware" is appropriate in the situation described in the original post. Too bad there is no warranty or guarantee that comes along with the purchase, it would probably be needed.

 

Same experience. Ying's parents were trying to give us money before the wedding! We let them pay for a bit of the wedding and buy jewelry but I told Ying NOT to allow them to dip into their savings and give us a bunch of cash that they can't afford. They (including Ying) already gave quite a bit to her brother when he married.

 

Now we have left a little money "hidden" for them when we have visited because we know they wouldn't accept it otherwise. I don't mind helping when we can. I'm sure we will send something for New Years.

We have a two saving accounts one for us and one for them and we contribute to both of them every month. Her parents have the ATM card to the one that we have designated for them and they don't know how much money is in it but it is quite a bit and they know that if they need any money they know where they can get it immediately. In the past 10 years they have never checked out a single dollar. When we visit sometimes we will leave whatever money that we have left over from our trip for them with the exception what we need to get back home.

 

Larry

[3timescharm]

I guess my relationship must be the exception to the rule. Good luck to anyone who is expected to fork over their cash to their wife/girlfriends family.

 

I married a girl from Hunan. I was never once asked, nor was it suggested I give cash to anyone. I did buy a few gifts for her parents but they were very simple and were really no more then what they gave to me and sent for my family in the states.

 

I would also like to add that my wife NEVER asks me for money and I have a hard time getting her to accept any.

 

I think the old phrase "Buyer Beware" is appropriate in the situation described in the original post. Too bad there is no warranty or guarantee that comes along with the purchase, it would probably be needed.

 

My Fiancee is also from Hunan. When I was there and we got engaged she said I need to give her father a RED BAG as a gift. I asked her how mucha and she said maybe 100 dollars. I had no problem with that. She has never asked for money for anything else.

 

Robert

[weiaijiayou]

All this talk about "buying the bride" is a very western way of viewing this custom that neglects its function and rationale.

 

China is a country where children -- not the government or nursing homes -- take care of parents in old age. It's also a country where daughters are traditionally seen as "marrying out" -- leaving their birth family and becoming primary members of their husband's family, who will take care of the husband's parents when they get old. In this light the payment to the parents is a way of taking care of the bride's parents, not buying the bride.

 

This being said many Chinese don't follow the practice and some object to it the same way we do. But if you look closely, the families not following this custom often also have a son or another daughter who is not going anywhere, or they have other means of ensuring they'll be taken care of in old age.

[SleepyGuy]

All this talk about "buying the bride" is a very western way of viewing this custom that neglects its function and rationale.

 

China is a country where children -- not the government or nursing homes -- take care of parents in old age. It's also a country where daughters are traditionally seen as "marrying out" -- leaving their birth family and becoming primary members of their husband's family, who will take care of the husband's parents when they get old. In this light the payment to the parents is a way of taking care of the bride's parents, not buying the bride.

 

This being said many Chinese don't follow the practice and some object to it the same way we do. But if you look closely, the families not following this custom often also have a son or another daughter who is not going anywhere, or they have other means of ensuring they'll be taken care of in old age.

 

Well said. Just to put things in perspective, to just about every Chinese the western tradition of asking a bride's parents to pay for the wedding is outright ridiculous (I'm not here to argue how often this is still followed in practice)...

[squirty]

You rarely get this kinda stuff with the city gals. Instead, they just ask for Gucci, Prada, LV, Burberry....

 

And don't forget Birkenstock, Manolos, Marc Jacobs, Armani, Guess.

 

Of course, there's also Calvin Klein, Guess, Ferragamo....

 

 

Trust me, you're better off paying the $5,000.

$5000!!!!? ? ? ????

 

THAT'S INSANE!!!

 

(...ummmm . . are you getting anything in return?)

 

Yes, a lot of credit card debt.

[george lee]

the dowry is a chinese tradition that dates back thousand of years and its not going away any time soon. lucky for us, time has change during the years and so has the dowry. today's dowry amount is decided by both sides of the family most of the times. dowry has many meanings; respect to the bride's parents, thank you for bringing up my wife, dowry equals sincerity. the dowry money will be use by the bride's family to clean house, ancestor worships, wedding cookies, and pre-engaement party. part of the dowry also goes back to the groom, in form of a belt, wallet, and chopsticks. every regions and families are different, so beware.

 

my dowry list to her family.

888 dollars to family

200 dollars for bride's cookie to pass out

1 pig

9 chickens

9 fishes

1 case of XO

 

her dowry list to my family

chopsticks

bowls

blankets

pillows

bedsheets

belt

wallet

 

my dowry cost around 1500 us dollars, not expensive but not cheap. a friend of mine is a doctor so his dowry was 10000 dollars, but he can afford it. even if you do not give a dowry, you still have to pay to her family around chinese holidays, for the rest of your life. we marry a chinese girl so expect all other stuff comes with it. good luck.

[credzba]

This is a good discussion, but in response to the op question, you can only offer your friend advice.

Pass on the good background, and discussion in this thread, but the final decision is one he and his fiance need to make.

 

This is not the last, nor even the most difficult spending decision they will make together, and that is what I'd suggest.

If he is for-warned of the background presented in this thread, and then has a good discussion with his fiance, I am confident they can come to a good decision.

It is a really good opportunity to ensure she knows what she is marrying into financially, and to make sure her expectations are reasonable before she is in america and married.

 

Best wishes to your friend, I wish him a long and happy marriage.

Is $5,000 really a lot of money if it gives the wife face, and makes the parents happy? In my book it isn't so much, as long as my wife and I both agree it is the way we wish to spend OUR money.

[Sam and Fen]

I just told my SO this story..........her response "bad woman".