Significant Differences of Chinese/Western Marriages

[Cerberus]

Jin and I quote

 

".... you I can only talk for myself, but to marry me (a chinese) means things will change. i keep this simple, yes final decision is husbands as long it agrees. Most important is harmony which means from both.

i will add you must show that your wife is # 1 most important love and that you trust her to be a chinese wife.

what does that mean, it means many things. but most important is to make good family which means you must not think to control is good. a good chinese wife knows what is right for marriage and will fight for it.

can we compromise, yes, but remember at least to me i see it takes time and alot of fun ."

 

This is where the Sichuan Prejudiced Chef and Free Range Chickens came from in the first place.

 

You have to see the bad and good in all cultures and see the humor in all relationships. In short: if you have no humor, you will have a very dull and uninteresting marriage. No one wants this!

 

Regard to control of a Chinese woman, you are "spot-on" ( I know that Rob has taught you this already).

 

The atypical Chinese woman doesn't need direction on her family. She already knows this already! BTW, she will fight like Hell to maintain her family. The problem arises o when people attempt to change what they have today into what their particular culture thinks is an ideal marriage. That is when things go amok.

 

Personally, I have seen this disturbing trend many times, by unnamed posters in CFL and it is getting more prevelant as time passes. That is why I began posting again, so that others may learn from my mistakes.

 

Dave

[Smitty]

Thank you for posting this Cerberus!

 

The subject of this thread is what I have been looking for most, and was thinking about starting to ask questions along these lines.

 

I think you, A Mafan, and Dawn Xiao Yan Li should work something up!

[Craig and Mingjun]

Thank you for these very thoughtful and insightful posts. Although I am not actually married yet, I have great respect for my future wife. It is very easy to see the importance of family in China, and when they saw the effort I went through to follow their customs to become engaged, I was welcomed into the family with open arms and given the blessings of both her father and mother. Her friends and family ask about me regularly. I look forward to many years of mutual happiness and shared life

[Christopher]

I believe in cooperation with integrity. You have to know what lines you are not willing to cross (and you can't make them up as you go along), the woman must know what they are, and you have to be willing to go to the line on your principles, every time, without being a drama queen about it.

 

Best if you keep your rules few, short and simple, because if you have to think about them too hard your opportunity to enforce them gracefully will slip by without you noticing. Mine are:

 

I don't go about hurting other people.

I don't take what's not mine.

I don't deceive to get what I want.

I keep my word.

I don't wash women's underwear.

 

Christopher

Edited February 27, 2009 by Christopher (see edit history)

[griz326]

¡°Griz 326

 

I don't see much difference between Chinese and American women. Aside from the fact that Chinese women are tough as nails, the are differences I see are mostly trivial¡­.¡±

 

Griz,

 

IMHO, I believe that you are wrong, but this is my opinion only. Hence, the prime reason for this posting.

 

I¡¯m pointing out differences that I have perceived and investigated with my own family.

 

You are correct that I am newly married, but I'm an old dawg and married an older gal. We are both quite conservative by nature, perhaps that explains a bit of it.

 

...but then, I've never seen much difference between Chinese people and people anywhere else in the world. Of course, there are differences and quirks but everyone's got 'em. I felt that way even on my first trip to China in 1978, although the differences were more apparent then. (I will say that my shipmates saw HUGE differences between Chinese people and Americans even though I did not; but then, they didn't see the Chinese as real people either.)

 

Where I see a more significant difference is in younger Chinese. They appear to have combined the worst the West has to offer in attitude and behavior with an absence of Т and respect.

 

People are people. If you respect them first, the quirks that distinguish each of you become more manageable.

 

Now none of this means that my gal's quirks don't make me nuts from time to time, but any gal - from any place on the planet - would have quirks that could do that.

 

You're entitled to your opinion that Chinese quirks are uniquely and specially quirky, but my experience around the world won't allow me to agree.

[Randy W]

 

You are correct that I am newly married, but I'm an old dawg and married an older gal. We are both quite conservative by nature, perhaps that explains a bit of it.

 

...but then, I've never seen much difference between Chinese people and people anywhere else in the world. Of course, there are differences and quirks but everyone's got 'em. I felt that way even on my first trip to China in 1978, although the differences were more apparent then. (I will say that my shipmates saw HUGE differences between Chinese people and Americans even though I did not; but then, they didn't see the Chinese as real people either.)

 

Where I see a more significant difference is in younger Chinese. They appear to have combined the worst the West has to offer in attitude and behavior with an absence of Т and respect.

 

People are people. If you respect them first, the quirks that distinguish each of you become more manageable.

 

Now none of this means that my gal's quirks don't make me nuts from time to time, but any gal - from any place on the planet - would have quirks that could do that.

 

You're entitled to your opinion that Chinese quirks are uniquely and specially quirky, but my experience around the world won't allow me to agree.

 

 

I think that's the key - good for you.

[Appaullo]

Excellent post, Cerebrus ...

 

One of the first things I learned with my wife was to shut up and listen to her thoughts and opinions when she expresses them. I used to try to interupt and correct her if she was mistaken. Now I listen attentively, make a comment here or there and open a discussion with her once she states her thoughts. One thing I have learned is that being *right* is not as important as being a good husband. Also, I have found that she is often correct when I though she had been mistaken. In my life I have a bad habit of being a verbal bully, by that I mean I tend to 'talk over people'. I would shake my head 'no' before they even finished talking. My wife has taught me to keep my mouth closed and respect other people's opinions. My mother and my sister often comment how much calmer I am now. Anyways ... great posts, keep them coming.

 

Appaullo

Edited February 28, 2009 by Appaullo (see edit history)

[Cerberus]

Thank you for these very thoughtful and insightful posts. Although I am not actually married yet, I have great respect for my future wife. It is very easy to see the importance of family in China, and when they saw the effort I went through to follow their customs to become engaged, I was welcomed into the family with open arms and given the blessings of both her father and mother. Her friends and family ask about me regularly. I look forward to many years of mutual happiness and shared life

 

Craig,

 

As I stated in the beginning of my post, that I'm no demi-god that has all the answers. I'm merely giving to CFL members the tools and my own experiences from what I have suffered, failed/ succeeded at. BTW, may I mention the fact, that I have failed and succeeded many times myself over five years! I assure you and many other members that the path to heaven has any tripping points.

 

The tools and lessons that I provide should be modified to your own family. My thoughts, logic and suppositions, lay with the individual CFL member or the guests that read this posting. As I replied to one particular PM; and I quote myself, "...it is not my ass on the anvil! It yours and your wife's!..."

 

However, it seems that you are definitely on the right track, IMHO regard to the family. I have done the same, consisting of tea parties, respecting the elders and letting them know that their opinions are valued.

 

My own casual walks with the elder generation and/or taking them places where they desire to go and gifts (e,g Centerum Silver, Fish Oil tablets) hat are given to them, let them know that I'm no weird laowei that came into their daughters life.

 

You ought to to see me escorting my aunt (about 5 '1", plus 100 pounds) and I stand 6' 7" and weigh about 300 pounds and work at the gym constantly, into the Sichuan Opera! LOL! My aunt and my wife always warn me about as she calls "slickie boys" : that will rob her and her hurt me! If you are a mugger, and I come into the alley; I'm hunting you!

 

However, the thought is touching, that she worries about me!

 

This is the good relationship that you are seeking. You have begun to understand. Now I have given you extra tools to help you. Use them to your advantage.

 

I wish the best for your relationship.

 

Dave

[Guest Pommey]

All I can add is that "resistance is futile" you will assimilate or fail , oh and its not something to miss out on.

 

Its a hoot

 

Embrace them for they are truely smart (ok they change things every day( keeps you on your toes just keep a open and flexible mind and say yes alot.

[heyjimi]

Good reading Dave !!!!! One thing that is true regardless if they are from China,or where ever......don't ever try to change ANYONE!!!!!!and for God sake,don't try to control anyone.....after all you married your wife/husband for who they are right? My first wife,tried to change me on a daily basis,...take it from me,it doesn't work,actually,human nature.....you will do the opposite,the more my ex wife tried to pull me one way..... the more i went the opposite direction.....My wife now ,had an interesting way...i remember,my second trip to china,my wife and I were going out to eat,I had no idea what kind of restuarant,she was dressed nice,and I being from Florida,was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.....the wife,looked at me,put on some more make up and dressed a little more nicer, she was a doll,and I.....I realised,i look like a bum...i went in the bedroom,changed into some nicer clothes,.....she didn't try to change me(in the traditional,nagging sense)....she made me come to the conclusion all on my own....hey,i need to look nice for my wife......funny,all this without her saying a damn word.

i am still in the honeymoon stage....my wife is still in China.....

this is a cool topic...."food for thought"

 

jimi

[Cerberus]

¡°Griz 326

 

I don't see much difference between Chinese and American women. Aside from the fact that Chinese women are tough as nails, the are differences I see are mostly trivial¡­.¡±

 

Griz,

 

IMHO, I believe that you are wrong, but this is my opinion only. Hence, the prime reason for this posting.

 

I¡¯m pointing out differences that I have perceived and investigated with my own family.

 

You are correct that I am newly married, but I'm an old dawg and married an older gal. We are both quite conservative by nature, perhaps that explains a bit of it.

 

...but then, I've never seen much difference between Chinese people and people anywhere else in the world. Of course, there are differences and quirks but everyone's got 'em. I felt that way even on my first trip to China in 1978, although the differences were more apparent then. (I will say that my shipmates saw HUGE differences between Chinese people and Americans even though I did not; but then, they didn't see the Chinese as real people either.)

 

Where I see a more significant difference is in younger Chinese. They appear to have combined the worst the West has to offer in attitude and behavior with an absence of Т and respect.

 

People are people. If you respect them first, the quirks that distinguish each of you become more manageable.

 

Now none of this means that my gal's quirks don't make me nuts from time to time, but any gal - from any place on the planet - would have quirks that could do that.

 

You're entitled to your opinion that Chinese quirks are uniquely and specially quirky, but my experience around the world won't allow me to agree.

 

Griz,

 

I apologize for responding so late. After this posting I made, I have been buried in PMs from 001 forum (where my wife belongs to), private E-Mail and CFL PM. BTW; I always respond to all PMs sent to me.

 

Regard to your posting you made. You are absolutely correct the age difference changes the equation of the relationship significantly.

 

The same is true with the younger women and the upcoming sexual (item 3) that I'm still organizing in my mind and will post later. BTW readers, this will not be a lurid sexual report of sex habits, etc. The previous subject of values isn't quite covered yet and many important points still remain.

 

I agree with you Griz; the older the woman is, she is seeking IMHO a "comfortable" partner to be with. This is not bad in the least and not meant as an insult. after 50 or so years, attitudes begin to change. Chinese women at this stage are seeking stability and longevity in their relationship. Not wild lurid sexual escapades, making love on the lawn under a full moon. IMHO, they are seeking a stable man, that is logical, well-mannered, polite, respects them as a woman and/or wife. Therefore, we go right back to where I originally posted and the logic of a Chinese woman. You have fulfilled this need of an older Chinese woman already. As I have stated previously, I giving to CFL members and guests the tools to form a lasting relationship and/or improve what they already have which is your case.

 

No more. No less. How they treat this information is their choice.

 

Do me a favor and forget about the Navy and/or merchant seamen. I listen to this dribble day in and day out. They state how knowledgeable they are hanging out in Hong Kong or wherever. They opine about my relationship with my wife, give their opinions and advice, and what they profess as God given knowledge specially relegated to themselves from their travels into harbor cities as truth.

 

You wouldn't t tolerate this abuse and inane dribble from any CFL member or anyone else. Neither would I, and would feel the same. Isn't so nice to have "arm-chair quarterbacks" advising us about our particular Chinese/American marriage?

 

That is why my post is very neutral and pokes accusatory fingers at no one.

 

Griz, just keep an open mind, an open heart and read the whole posting until I finish. Then think about your own relationship and ask yourself this one question and one question only......

 

"Did Dave make a particular point from his posting, some little fact that I gleaned from it, that that would improve my relationship and make my wife even happier than she is today?"

 

If you can't see some tiny intrinsic value in the post and thoughts than I'm making then you should just walk away and forget what I'm saying. I won't wish you bad in the least. This is America, the land of free choices. You have chosen.

 

May I suggest that you give an older couple's perspective and what you have gone through? I'm blank in this area, as well as to Mrs Amber and Chinese men. What I have heard she doesn't want to hear. BTW, Amber if you are reading this posting; it is mostly conjecture and rumor. So I don't even talk about it.

 

This is why I wanted input from anyone and specifically from CFL members. This is your butts on the anvil and not mine.

 

To be perfectly honest: I became so tired of the inane dribble on Twisted Candle, the hyperlinks, bootstrapping of arguments and of how this member felt about something was right and wrong, I only casually read the TW. Why are members deliberately dodging the "elephant in the the middle of the room?" and there own wives? Instead they spend time talking about subjects that in 500 years; who truly gives a crap? This is nice for deversion. Do you truly think that the answer to you answer lies in Twisted Candle topics?

 

I know! I know! On a soapbox. That was the prime reason that I took this from Twisted Candle and placed in Culture Forum. I want guests to see it, increase membership, ergo thereby increasing the intellgence data base( WOW! I used a power word didn't I?). I;m still waiting for the women to respond. Jin responded! Where is the rest of the CFL sisterhood?

 

I love a good debate. Remember, I'm still learning today too and I need input.

 

Dave

[Yuanyang]

What Dave & Lee said... Yeah.

[Cerberus]

Jimi,

 

I wanted to save bandwidth for don. Therefore, I deleted my last post and made this reply and I quote your post....

 

"Good reading Dave !!!!! One thing that is true regardless if they are from China,or where ever......don't ever try to change ANYONE!!!!!!and for God sake,don't try to control anyone.....after all you married your wife/husband for who they are right? My first wife,tried to change me on a daily basis,...take it from me,it doesn't work,actually,human nature.....you will do the opposite,the more my ex wife tried to pull me one way..... the more i went the opposite direction.....My wife now ,had an interesting way...i remember,my second trip to china,my wife and I were going out to eat,I had no idea what kind of restuarant,she was dressed nice,and I being from Florida,was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.....the wife,looked at me,put on some more make up and dressed a little more nicer, she was a doll,and I.....I realised,i look like a bum...i went in the bedroom,changed into some nicer clothes,.....she didn't try to change me(in the traditional,nagging sense)....she made me come to the conclusion all on my own....hey,i need to look nice for my wife......funny,all this without her saying a damn word.

i am still in the honeymoon stage....my wife is still in China.....

this is a cool topic...."food for thought"

 

jimi"

 

In response Jimi, I read your post about dinner and clothes. I see that she doesn't have to say a single thing to you and you already knew the answer. I'm the same way. My first dinner my first dinner in Chengdu i dress as I normally, but more dressed upwards. I wore cowboy boots (highly polished and I mean you can see your face in them whle standing upright) low cron Stetson, pressed boot cut jeans with a sports jacket. My wife worried about the hat, but she knew where I came from.

 

In China dress for success and to fit the occasion. I assure you that your wife going to a good restaurant...her husband's dress reflects what she has decided to marry. This is a huge loss of face for a woman. BTW, dress semi-casual around the family and as they know you better, then dress-"down."

 

May I add this same principle will apply in the US? Dress like a slob in the US around a Chinese woman. You will get the same looks also, but to a lesser degree.

 

This is how a Chinese woman can control a man. How does it feel to be controlled so subtly by a small Chinese woman? One look and no words need to be spoken do they?

 

Take care

 

Dave

[Cerberus]

To all,

 

Just to let you know I have been answering PMs (I mean 35 plus) for most of tonight and four telephone calls. How in the Hell did people from 001 get my address? My wife and I need to talk when she returns!

 

Sighhhhhh! However, I answer all PMs sent to me.

 

I wish to take a night or two off to get some sleep, organize the concluding segment of Item 2 and possibly get the Sexual and Love segment outlined.

 

BTW, I was joking about the PMs. I really don't mind. They simply take time to read, think and then answer appropriately, to each and every one of them. I'm personally proud that I could bring this subject out into the open, which was full intention in the first place. They only thing that I miss is more woman's input. The women in 001 forum are a bit shy and I fully understand how they feel.

 

To the PM senders; thank you from my heart, mind and soul. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and I now feel that I have justified my presence by being here and helping others out.

 

Yin talked with me tonight from China and also agrees with what I'm saying.....as long and I don't tell any stories about her that make her look stupid, to make a point!

 

 

 

I assured her that I had more than enough stupid stories of my own! I wouldn't have to use her stories!

 

Take care all.

 

Dave

[Guest Pommey]

To all,

 

Just to let you know I have been answering PMs (I mean 35 plus) for most of tonight and four telephone calls. How in the Hell did people from 001 get my address? My wife and I need to talk when she returns!

 

Sighhhhhh! However, I answer all PMs sent to me.

 

I wish to take a night or two off to get some sleep, organize the concluding segment of Item 2 and possibly get the Sexual and Love segment outlined.

 

BTW, I was joking about the PMs. I really don't mind. They simply take time to read, think and then answer appropriately, to each and every one of them. I'm personally proud that I could bring this subject out into the open, which was full intention in the first place. They only thing that I miss is more woman's input. The women in 001 forum are a bit shy and I fully understand how they feel.

 

To the PM senders; thank you from my heart, mind and soul. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and I now feel that I have justified my presence by being here and helping others out.

 

Yin talked with me tonight from China and also agrees with what I'm saying.....as long and I don't tell any stories about her that make her look stupid, to make a point!

 

 

 

I assured her that I had more than enough stupid stories of my own! I wouldn't have to use her stories!

 

Take care all.

 

 

 

Dave

 

 

 

would be nice if they posted openly, better than PM's, JMHO

Edited February 28, 2009 by Pommey (see edit history)