Do I keep quiet or do I spill the beans?

[johnxiaoying]

My two cents.........Talk to him about the travel, seeing China, the excitement of meeting up with an exotic lady in China that he really has not met yet.

 

Work your way into telling him about the internet dating services that correspond with western men trying to find a suitable prospective husband for their clients. This happens all the time and a lot more commonly than a lot of guys want to think. These women want a better life, a decent husband and a more secure future.

 

The outlook for a decent husband can be bleak for a number of reasons, age, children from a previous marriage. A lot of these women have little to no English abilities in the begging. Even if they have fair English skills a lot of them have little time for corresponding due to long labor hours to provide a living. These "services" are responsible for a very large number marriages and many of them are successful.

 

Talk to the guy about red flags, visa scammers, etc.

 

Get him pumped (perhaps there's a better choice of words!) about meeting this beautiful lady. Talk to him about thinking rationally with the head on his shoulders, to make more than one trip to get acquainted, possibly to meet more than one woman, not to hurry things and increase his chances of a successful relationship.

 

Good luck!

[SheLikesME?]

Well I sent you a blow off steam PM. Disregard it if you want. But this is one of those land mines I would set my foot down about and let it blow up. Ol David Z and I have sort of discussed this before. I love his insight, but...

 

Well put me on the side with Randy W and the others who think Al needs the truth. I would want it. Eventually he will be confronted with this and have to decide. He might react badly when he gets there, when otherwise he might really like her, if he knew he was going to meet the real deal. Just because she may look good is not good enough. So I would let Al get over Jin and deal with it now.

 

Look your wife is good people. So if the whole family is good, then things ought to work out with the truth.

 

I know a man in a high position in an Aerospace company who wrote a lady in another country and they planned to marrry. The lady decided against it before she came to America. She wrote and told him this. Guess what? her younger sister, who read everything between them said she liked him and she would marry him if he liked her. It worked out. I met them at a company dance one night. they were great together. But it was all honest and up front.

 

I would want to know if I were Al. I would want to know whether smoothed over by the ladies or blunt and ugly. I can deal with truth even if it is ugly. Have had to do it most of my life.

 

Good luck Dennis.

[chilton747]

Some guys handle deception better than others. Some can go with the flow and things work out quite well. If Al is this kind of guy then I would keep my mouff shut. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

[Dennis143]

Poor ole Al, this 45 year old man thought he was traveling 8000 miles to China to meet a beautiful 22 year old girl. Boy howdy we're all gonna just weep for him when he learns that his dream girl's already gotten married and instead he'll be greeted by her 22 year old cousin who's even more beautiful. Yes, poor ole Al suckered for becoming just a meal ticket for this beautiful young woman. Breaks your heart don't it.

 

Seriously, that's really the crux of it. My wife says that Jin and Jie look quite a bit alike, but Jie "is more beautiful, and more hard working and smart and drives a car and..."

 

Come on, the man's going to be well taken care of, how many men go through life having and getting an opportunity like this? And, I am told to just throw cold water on him/it, because deception is deception and lies are lies and the end result don't matter...

 

You can see where I am leaning...to just stay silent and hope for the best. And, yes, by not speaking up, I have become an accomplice... I know.

 

I still have a few weeks to give my final answer though.

Edited January 17, 2009 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Smitty]

I'm skipping from the first page to here, so if I missed something major - Sorry!

 

While I will give no endorsement of this charade, this is what I would do if I were such people in such a situation.

 

1 - Emails from Jin indicate that there is something amiss for her. Maybe she realizes that she can't stand the thought of leaving China, or so such silliness.

 

2 - Jin suggests that Al might consider Jie who is more interested in what Al has to offer.

 

3 - Jie, not Yue, and Al start communicating and see where it goes.

 

4 - If it doesn't workout, Yue owes Al all incidental expenses, including airfare, for misrepresentation.

 

5 - You may never go drinking with Al, ever. Incase you might spill the beans about this lie.

[georgeandli]

Al wasn't really talking to anyone but "auntie", right? I WOULD however tell ALL concerned not to expect anything until principals meet. It's like the Dating Game with the same person answering the questions for all three. Maybe try to get AL and Jie to e-mail each other. Get auntie out of the mix asap.

[rogerluli]

 

 

You can see where I am leaning...to just stay silent and hope for the best.

 

[lostinblue]

Yan has advised that you should just let things roll the way they are. She said it is a "nice lie" for whatever that is worth. She said we americans do not understand the chinese culture. and it can go two ways. If it does not work out well then he would maybe hate you. However if it works out he maybe become your new best friend. Just pray he has a long and happy marriage if it come to that. If it blows up on him then even years later he would be angry with you. I am always of the mind set that the first trip to china is an adventure......if something works out it does great. if not you still have something to talk about years later in the old folks home.....

[Wendy W]

Poor ole Al, this 45 year old man thought he was traveling 8000 miles to China to meet a beautiful 22 year old girl. Boy howdy we're all gonna just weep for him when he learns that his dream girl's already gotten married and instead he'll be greeted by her 22 year old cousin who's even more beautiful. Yes, poor ole Al suckered for becoming just a meal ticket for this beautiful young woman. Breaks your heart don't it.

 

Seriously, that's really the crux of it. My wife says that Jin and Jie look quite a bit alike, but Jie "is more beautiful, and more hard working and smart and drives a car and..."

 

Come on, the man's going to be well taken care of, how many men go through life having and getting an opportunity like this? And, I am told to just throw cold water on him/it, because deception is deception and lies are lies and the end result don't matter...

 

You can see where I am leaning...to just stay silent and hope for the best. And, yes, by not speaking up, I have become an accomplice... I know.

 

I still have a few weeks to give my final answer though.

 

Dennis, you might be in relationship with the other lady and end up with marry leiqing what a scary thought!! OH MY....

[MarkHui]

I still say a middle of the road is best.

 

Translator: Oh Al I am very sorry but I sent you the wrong picture, here is the right one. And her name is Jie not Jin.....

 

He hasn't been speaking to either girl, he has been speaking with a translator. How many here have used a dating site to met their SO?

How many weren't really talking with their SO, but with the translator.

How many still liked the girl they met in person that they really weren't talking too???

 

I have to agree with this thinking. Take the middle path.

[Stepbrow]

Dennis,

 

You don't have to say anything, just invite him to join CFL That way he will understand the quandry that you have been struggling with, and he will know what he is facing.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

I still say a middle of the road is best.

 

Translator: Oh Al I am very sorry but I sent you the wrong picture, here is the right one. And her name is Jie not Jin.....

 

He hasn't been speaking to either girl, he has been speaking with a translator. How many here have used a dating site to met their SO?

How many weren't really talking with their SO, but with the translator.

How many still liked the girl they met in person that they really weren't talking too???

 

I have to agree with this thinking. Take the middle path.

 

oh and shes not really 22 but 34 with a child and a prior divorce (you will find that out once she is here).

or just take a " bunch" of cousins to meet him, let him choose who is pretty as that's all that matters.

jeez guys get real , is that how you feel in love, maybe

 

"indignation" dam straight righteous or not, deception is deception, cant believe some of you think its ok to lie to this guy, how would you feel

 

and you wonder why China GETS SO MANY WHITES FOR FRAUD. Maybe GUZ is right to profile certain provinces and their brokerage practices.

Realise this wont be a popular post, but really guys disgusing deceptive practice just because they are ......... and excusing it a culture thing and saving face in family... pretty weak IMHO

 

Sorry Denis nothing against you personally, but a family lining up cousins and deceiving just doesn't seem quite right to me or Jin. Wendy and Amanda seemed to think this is not right too , funny they are Chinese women who disagree with the USA men's perception here of this being ok.

Edited January 17, 2009 by Rob & Jin (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

oh and shes not really 22 but 34 with a child and a prior divorce (you will find that out once she is here).

or just take a " bunch" of cousins to meet him, let him choose who is pretty as that's all that matters.

jeez guys get real , is that how you feel in love, maybe

 

"indignation" dam straight righteous or not, deception is deception, cant believe some of you think its ok to lie to this guy, how would you feel

 

and you wonder why China GETS SO MANY WHITES FOR FRAUD. Maybe GUZ is right to profile certain provinces and their brokerage practices.

Realise this wont be a popular post, but really guys disgusing deceptive practice just because they are ......... and excusing it a culture thing and saving face in family... pretty weak IMHO

 

Sorry Denis nothing against you personally, but a family lining up cousins and deceiving just doesn't seem quite right to me or Jin. Wendy and Amanda seemed to think this is not right too , funny they are Chinese women who disagree with the USA men's perception here of this being ok.

Yours and Jin's opinion are fine with me, Rob.

 

But your point that because two people meet and possibly marry from a meeting as this somehow invalidates their relationship and are the cause of so many white slips and FRAUD, simple gets under my skin. My wife and I met this same way. In fact there are marriage throughout the United States who were also 'deceived' in this manner. You're riding in on a mighty high horse to start wagging your finger at me and others whose marriage and relationship are as valid as yours and certainly don't need anyone's approval.

 

If you chose to disagree with the deception, cool. But, keep the righteousness, of the outcome, out of it, please.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

oh and shes not really 22 but 34 with a child and a prior divorce (you will find that out once she is here).

or just take a " bunch" of cousins to meet him, let him choose who is pretty as that's all that matters.

jeez guys get real , is that how you feel in love, maybe

 

"indignation" dam straight righteous or not, deception is deception, cant believe some of you think its ok to lie to this guy, how would you feel

 

and you wonder why China GETS SO MANY WHITES FOR FRAUD. Maybe GUZ is right to profile certain provinces and their brokerage practices.

Realise this wont be a popular post, but really guys disgusing deceptive practice just because they are ......... and excusing it a culture thing and saving face in family... pretty weak IMHO

 

Sorry Denis nothing against you personally, but a family lining up cousins and deceiving just doesn't seem quite right to me or Jin. Wendy and Amanda seemed to think this is not right too , funny they are Chinese women who disagree with the USA men's perception here of this being ok.

Yours and Jin's opinion are fine with me, Rob.

 

But your point that because two people meet and possibly marry from a meeting as this somehow invalidates their relationship and are the cause of so many white slips and FRAUD, simple gets under my skin. My wife and I met this same way. In fact there are marriage throughout the United States who were also 'deceived' in this manner. You're riding in on a mighty high horse to start wagging your finger at me and others whose marriage and relationship are as valid as yours and certainly don't need anyone's approval.

 

If you chose to disagree with the deception, cool. But, keep the righteousness, of the outcome, out of it, please.

 

sorry Dennis , I am not judging yours or any others happy marriages, just seem to remember many threads when this sort of start goes very wrong.

Do what you feel is best for your family.

 

my point is I think CFL members should be be careful in accepting a path of niavity in going into a meeting and supporting what could be a lie.

I've said enough here I think, its up to you guys

 

good luck to Al and Jie

[Dan R]

Poor ole Al, this 45 year old man thought he was traveling 8000 miles to China to meet a beautiful 22 year old girl. Boy howdy we're all gonna just weep for him when he learns that his dream girl's already gotten married and instead he'll be greeted by her 22 year old cousin who's even more beautiful. Yes, poor ole Al suckered for becoming just a meal ticket for this beautiful young woman. Breaks your heart don't it.

 

Seriously, that's really the crux of it. My wife says that Jin and Jie look quite a bit alike, but Jie "is more beautiful, and more hard working and smart and drives a car and..."

 

Come on, the man's going to be well taken care of, how many men go through life having and getting an opportunity like this? And, I am told to just throw cold water on him/it, because deception is deception and lies are lies and the end result don't matter...

 

You can see where I am leaning...to just stay silent and hope for the best. And, yes, by not speaking up, I have become an accomplice... I know.

 

I still have a few weeks to give my final answer though.

 

Accomplice???????

 

If you say nothing (I still vote that way since you aren't a player in this game) you are simply an observer. Sit back, answer your wife's questions and observe the game. You learn more this way