Please,more understanding in our situation

[garagegodness]

Yes,you might have known a Chinese woman for several years. But do you really think you know us chinese woman and our culture? We were brought up in 2 different cultures, even if in the same culture, there are still many differences among different people.

 

As i can read from the"poor lady" post, she seems to be a girl that had hope and dream for the new life in the USA. It is not an easy matter if she wants to go back to China or not, it is not as simple as some of you american guys think here. Getting married with an american has already gained her lots of attention and pressure from family, friends; letting aside the shame and embarrassment of telling them her american fiancee dumped her. How many of us,no matter chinese or american have the courage to tell?

 

Chinese women vary from each other. I am proud to be a modern chinese woman and is always proud of my homeland. I came to the U.S, not because of the blue visa, but because i want to be with my american fiancee. Do I want to leave my work in China and my parents and the dog? I definately do not want it. We love our country as much as you do for your homeland. Thanks for the understanding of my fiance, he has been doing so much to make me feel at home. And i have been here in the U.S for just about 4 days. I gave up all i have had in China. I am fully aware of the possible difficulty getting a good job here in the U.S, yet i have the confidence in myself. It is just a matter of toally new beginning and i am ready for it.

 

I see from many couples here in candleforlove, the true love and willingness to be together at any cost. We are equal in everyway. It is not because of the green card that made us want to be away from home, it is our hope and joy to be with our loved ones in america. Why american man instead of Chinese man? Well, cause he never hesitates to show his love and passion for me; he is honest and trustworthy; he is responsible; and it just happened to be like this that we would meet and fall in love and get married for a committment. I believe many of you share the same idea as I do here. I am proud of my chinese sisters, who have had the courage to leave the homeland and start in a totally new country for the sake of love.

 

I feel sorry for the poor lady. She has done nothing wrong. In any case her american fiance is reponsible to take care of the case since he waited all those time to tell her NO after her arrivial. She has the right to make her decision wheather to stay here or not. No matter if she is coming back to candleforlove or not, I wish her all the very best, since i totally understand her difficulty and embarrassment.

[Guest sanfranciscojoe]

in all fairness, I do not think anyone was unsympathetic to her. I am sure we all feel sadness for her, if her plight is real and if we assume all of the facts stated are true and accurate. Thats a huge assumption.

The debate centered around whether she should stay or go home. Some of the advice proffered was manifestly silly, but well-intentioned. The fact remains that we all suffer because of people having tried to gimmick the system before and I was appalled by how readily some members were willing to offer advice about gimmicks, sleight of hand, unmeritorious lawsuits,marriage without love, etc.

We should have all simply said DO THE RIGHT THING and left it at that. I am certain we all wish her well in China.

[chinadave2001]

The only thing I am certain of is her desire to stay here after the visa expires. The rest of the story doesn't add up. Sorry.

I also think it's irresponsible for folks to suggest that she stay illegally.

 

 

dave

[Dave G.]

garagegodness...

 

Beautifully written statement. It summarizes many postings on Candle well. You captured all the reasons why East and West unions are so special.

 

I don't pretend to know anyone so well to know what they think or feel. Heck...I can't even say I know my own culture fully. How can I pretend to know China's?

 

I agree with other posts here so far. What happened was tragic. I think that's why all the interest. I hope you noticed that too. If we could sit poorlady down and ask her, "How can we make you whole?"...I'm sure she'd say, "Let me stay." Can she? Is that an option? My understanding is no...not based on the non-immigration visa she came here with. As it was kicked around on Candle, with people drawing from sympathy and/or understanding of immigration law, many people tried to provide the best solutions they could (I'm obviously ignoring one particularly rude comment). My stance was obviously more rooted in the legal side of it. It had nothing to do with her, her heartache, or her culture.

 

The choice is hers....a choice she never dreamed of having to make. I wish I could support whatever she decided to do. But, if she stays past the 90 days, she will become yet another statistic I don't wish to see.

 

I hope she will post here again. I'd like to know more about her. Was she active on 001.com? How'd she hear about us so fast? What about the guy? Was he active on any boards? I'd love to read their history of postings...it would cast great light on things. I'd love for him to post here too. I have a few things I'd love to share with him. http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/p/fasttalk.gif

[whoever]

I hope she is not turned off rightaway if some of us misjudged her.

But I also hope, she is truely speaking the truth. It's hard to tell.

Ya know, it's still a virtual world here. Where anything could happen.

[Tine & Ella]

Dave,

She posted on 001 and asked for help, and the girls told her to post here on Candle for help. I do believe her story and do feel sorry for her.

[Dave G.]

Dave,

She posted on 001 and asked for help, and the girls told her to post here on Candle for help. I do believe her story and do feel sorry for her.

Thanks for the info. First time on 001 best to your knowledge? If so, I'd love to learn how she heard about 001. Just curious.

 

I'm trying to take the story at face value....no reason why not to. Yet, the timing of the guy on G7 who admitted he wants to marry a woman on someone else's K-1 seems odd. Only they know for sure........

[Guest enight]

001 has two sites,

 

one site for fiancees in China and in the process for visa, 001 Chinese site

 

one site is for fiancees came over and live here. 001 American site

 

so almost all the girls would move to American site after they came over... Poorlady might one of the gals who were in Chinese site, and uses a new nickname to post on 001 American site for help.

 

and..

 

whether she stays or goes back, it's her choice, legal or illegal is her destiney too, we are here to give her some suggestion, and she will be the one to responsible for her life.

 

and...

 

whatever, I support her choice and I hope she stays strong, and wish her a good luck

[myeagy]

Same here, We wish her all the best, no matter what decision she will make.

No need for a though background check.

[Bob & Minglian]

I would say for the most part everyone who posts on CFL is sincere and genuinely wants to help others in need. It's a mostly (one exception comes to mind) supportive environment. The incredible number of those people who viewed and responded to the post by "poorlady" is testament to that fact. If taking her at face value, then the sudden situation she found herself in is absolutely heartwrenching. And while I agree with Dave G. on the legal aspect of her situation there is also the emotional side of it as well. I think we all poured our hearts and knowledge into providing her with our opinions and advice. I believe CFL members as a whole sincerely wish her the best in her quest to do the right thing. For her, not for us. Ultimately, the decision is hers and hers alone. There is, no doubt, much we don't know. Certainly, one of our worst nightmares, became all too true for her. I wish her only the best.

[tonado]

I wish Poorlady the best. It is tough for someone to be alone in NY. I hope she has some money to buy a ticket back to China if she decides to leave.

[SBS]

in all fairness, I do not think anyone was unsympathetic to her.  I am sure we all feel sadness for her, if her plight is real and if we assume all of the facts stated are true and accurate. Thats a huge assumption.

The debate centered around whether she should stay or go home.  Some of the advice proffered was manifestly silly, but well-intentioned.  The fact remains that we all suffer because of people having tried to gimmick the system before and I was appalled  by how readily some members were willing to offer advice about gimmicks, sleight of hand, unmeritorious lawsuits,marriage without love, etc.

We should have all simply said DO THE RIGHT THING and left it at that. I am certain we all wish her well in China.

I agree with you. I am a Chinese woman and I dont want to see any chinese woman suffer here in America.

 

The only right thing is go back to CHina and stay well. If she does want to come to America. She can always do it after she return to China. But if she will be caught by govenemtn after 90days then everyting will be changed

[SBS]

a modern chinese woman

I am sorry for asking you. Could you tell me how you defined yourself as a modern Chinese woman?

[tonado]

If she does want to come to America. She can always do it after she return to China. But if she will be caught by govenemtn after 90days then everyting will be changed

I don't think it would be easy for her to come back to USA after returning to China (within 90th day). Do you mean that she apply for another K1 or K3 visa in the future? To do that, she has to find a petitioner again (a lover). I am sure that she would have a hard time getting a tourist visa.

 

I don't know the laws about overstaying the visa. On paper, it is illegal to stay here. If a lawyer finds a way to beat the system, then would it be legal. I know many illegals did that. I am not suggesting that she should stay. Going back to China is probably the best bet for her because her family and friends are there. In NY, she probably doesn't have anyone to help her and living there alone is tough. Winter is coming soon and NY has a harsh one.

[tonyontherock]

A simple note here. It appears that some of the ladies are pretty defensive of their trip to the U.S. Let's face it. Love of the husband and love of the United States is kind of blurred in the initial decision. Many Chinese come to the U.S. , thousands each year. Different people come in different ways. Most of the people I know come over for school, including my relatives and myself. The initial stage is not by any means easy, but after two three years, most got lost in the daily routine of going to work, moe the lawn and pick up the kids. Among this group, there is not much emotional stress. Yes, we miss the home land, but we love the new envirnment more. As far as money is concerned, the friends back in China makes a lot more than we do. ( not because we are not competitive. My cousin is a Yale med grad, other Stanford law, self, NYU law). Just because there are so many more opportunities in China in the last decade or so.

Emotionally, China is still the home, but living there is almost impossible. The kids, the car, the house, the friends, etc, etc. Most importantly, there is freedom here. Not just the political freedom. It is the freedom not to kiss someone's ass if you do you job, the freedom not to have to socialize if you chose not to.

Another group is the illegal immigrants from Fuchian and other rural places. They had nothing before they came. Worked as a dog anyway and had little or no education. The U.S. offered chance for them to get a new life for their kids. They work like a dog frying chicken and rice. Then buy the joint and then buy another one and then buy a house in the burbs. For them, they don't want to go back. Emotionally, they are sometimes stressed. Cause of the dirty looks from some people and distain from others when they board the bus or subway, till one day they come out of the subway and buy a neat Camery, before trading it in for a BMW.

A third group is the family immigration or marriage immigration. Frankly, till recently I had no idea of how this group functioned, living in a completely foreign environment right away, giving up possibly very nice job in China and constantly justifying to old friends and family that they are doing extremely swell, while convincing themselves that every choice was a right choice. Are there emotional stress here? Are these guys or mostly ladies losing some self in the process? I don't know. Those old college friends who married to the U.S. have since stopped all contacts with U.S. When they had contact with some, they all seem keen to tell old friends that they married a "high class" white man. One gal told me so. After I learned she was working behind the counter at a CVS, I lost touch with her. Another told me that her hubby bought her a $300k house and then lost touch again. I am sure they are extremely happy and content. Yet, these two were, like most of my friends, graduates of the most prestigous college in China.

The folks back home? A group of them set up a law firm in Beijing and there is romor that if you want to go public in China, you better use that firm. One gal who married a house husband became the managing partner of the Asian office of a major international firm.

Each and every one have different views on Chinese ladies marrying Americans. I used to be a skeptic. But after reading this forum for a while, I have to admit that I see real love and affaction.

As far as Poorlady is concerned. No matter what the situation is or motivation have been, we should offer love and help. The line can be blurred even for the most romantically oriented. Who are we to trow the first stone?