Ever Lose Respect For Your Partner?

[yuzhen]

I never had respect for my wife and she never had respect for me, so theres nothing to lose

[Corbin]

I don't care who you are, where you grew up, how you grew up, what your education is, how strong your ethics and morals are. There isn't anyone that hasn't stretched the truth, told a white lie, told a huge lie so that the truth wouldn't hurt someone they care about and hope, hope, hope they get away with it.

 

Look at the truth, look at the lie, LISTEN to the motivation for the mistruth. Was it done out of compassion for the other person's feelings? Was it done strictly to boost the esteem of the person who misspoke the truth?

 

In other words, look at everything. Don't boil this down to just black and white. There is no absolute black and white. Maybe there used to be. Maybe we'd all like there to be...but there just isn't....

Larry, well spoken and I think you are 100% correct here about this. The world is not black and white no mater how much we want it that way. Sometimes a little white lie has to be spoken otherwise it would be totally worse. I'm not saying that one should go out and lie up a storm. Because at times it is your only choice, because silence would be even worse.

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

Because at times it is your only choice, because silence would be even worse.

 

 

But, Corbin....

didn't Frankie V say/sing some 40 years ago that "silence is golden?"

 

Silence Is Golden lyrics by Frankie Valli. ... Silence is golden, golden, but my eyes still see Talking is cheap, people follow like sheep ...

 

 

I would have to say that having the silence treatment is far

worst than a beating with a mop....

JMO

[ameriken]

Example:

My cousin up the street has a wife born in Columbia. This couple I have shared my experience with from the beginning. They were my greatest ally.

 

The have been married over 20 years. They got custody of his 2 boys from a previous marriage and raised them. They also have one of their own togather. One is 25, married, and just had a daughter born. This son has told his step-mom she is not welcome in his house. He has told his father he is welcome but not her. My has tried his best to get the boy to turn around, but of course he has the right to have nothing to do with his fathers wife. Now his wife says him or me. She does not want him to go see his son or granddaughter. She has put him in an impossible situation. Or has she? Any opinion? They are on the brink of divorce.

 

 

Cousin said a friend of his told him that you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

Very interesting scenario.

 

I've heard of situations like this, and my ex has continually tried to pull our kids away from me, and to an extent she has succeeded, so I kind of understand this a little. When I met Jie, I told her that my family problems will never put her in second place. She is and will be first and foremost in my life and I would not allow her to be put into a compromising position.

 

Perhaps many folks would disagree with that, which is ok, this is my own personal view.

 

On to this situation.....you made the statement that 'she' (his wife) put him into an uncomfortable situation. I disagree.....I would feel like the son put them into an uncomfortable situation. As Larry said, his son put up the fence. His son forced his Dads wife into an uncomfortable position.

 

Based on that, the son has the right to make this choice to refuse to acknowledge or accept his stepmom. By doing this, he would also be rejecting my choice of a wife.

 

Only the son can change this decision, I cannot.

 

Of course, we dont know 'why' the son made that decision, but perhaps it doesnt matter. However, I think this guys wife has the right to feel rejected and hurt. Afterall, spent 20 years together raising his son, who is now rejecting her. Thats pretty harsh and hurtful.

 

Having said that, if it were me, I'd have a sit-down with my son and I'd let him know that I think he is wrong to reject my choice of wife,to reject the person who raised him, and by doing that he is also hurting me. I will tell him I respect his choice but he must respect my choice to stand by her side, as I will not join him in hurting her.

 

'It's up to you son.'

[SheLikesME?]

Example:

My cousin up the street has a wife born in Columbia. This couple I have shared my experience with from the beginning. They were my greatest ally.

 

The have been married over 20 years. They got custody of his 2 boys from a previous marriage and raised them. They also have one of their own together. One is 25, married, and just had a daughter born. This son has told his step-mom she is not welcome in his house. He has told his father he is welcome but not her. My has tried his best to get the boy to turn around, but of course he has the right to have nothing to do with his fathers wife. Now his wife says him or me. She does not want him to go see his son or granddaughter. She has put him in an impossible situation. Or has she? Any opinion? They are on the brink of divorce.

 

 

Cousin said a friend of his told him that you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

Very interesting scenario.

 

I've heard of situations like this, and my ex has continually tried to pull our kids away from me, and to an extent she has succeeded, so I kind of understand this a little. When I met Jie, I told her that my family problems will never put her in second place. She is and will be first and foremost in my life and I would not allow her to be put into a compromising position.

 

Perhaps many folks would disagree with that, which is ok, this is my own personal view.

 

On to this situation.....you made the statement that 'she' (his wife) put him into an uncomfortable situation. I disagree.....I would feel like the son put them into an uncomfortable situation. As Larry said, his son put up the fence. His son forced his Dads wife into an uncomfortable position.

 

Based on that, the son has the right to make this choice to refuse to acknowledge or accept his stepmom. By doing this, he would also be rejecting my choice of a wife.

 

Only the son can change this decision, I cannot.

 

Of course, we dont know 'why' the son made that decision, but perhaps it doesnt matter. However, I think this guys wife has the right to feel rejected and hurt. Afterall, spent 20 years together raising his son, who is now rejecting her. Thats pretty harsh and hurtful.

 

Having said that, if it were me, I'd have a sit-down with my son and I'd let him know that I think he is wrong to reject my choice of wife,to reject the person who raised him, and by doing that he is also hurting me. I will tell him I respect his choice but he must respect my choice to stand by her side, as I will not join him in hurting her.

 

'It's up to you son.'

And you right Ken. If it were all this simple your answer is right. Now there are issues that make the son feel this way. But regardless I feel the father should stick by his wife.

 

I know the whole family and my cousin is more like a brother. The son is not the easiest person to get along with. But then husband and all 3 sons have issues with Mom, my cousins wife. Apparently what I never see is her 9 yards up their asses on everything every day. She is always right about everything. She wants to control or micro manage everything. the only way I see my cousin got through life with her is that they had so many common goals. About 3-4 times per year they have a huge argument and he gets told how no good he is as a father and husband and everything. Yet there is the good side to it all. The part I see and the romance I never see. My cousin and her had just about come to a divorce 2-3 months ago because of her temper and then this happened with his middle son. She is hurt and insecure about it all. She tells him maybe they should split so he can enjoy his family then cries. She has NEVER wanted a divorce before. It has always been her driving him to the point that either she settle down or else he will file.

 

I hope they resolve it. I just went by there and talked to him. I sort of had a Godsend, as he put it, come my way to resolve my problem. So I encouraged him to just go see the son when he wants and quit arguing with her about it. He is just so tired of her never admitting that she is wrong and all the other stuff. I guess it is all a problem now because my cousin told his wife that his son does have some points to make. So obviously this helped him vent his concerns. One time a few years ago when all 3 boys lived there he moved upstairs with them and left her sleeping alone. The boys were on his side too because of the way she treats them. Just too pushy and domineering.

 

I dated a Jewish girl in CA once that had the stereotype Jewish mother. Very dominating, and hard for me to really believe this kind of woman actually existed. It irritated the crap out of me. I blew my frig gen top once. Later I realized it is just the Moms way of showing love and worry. I was kinder after that. Some people are just the way they are. Her husband never left her, though he did die of a heart attack.

[SheLikesME?]

I may or may not post my situation. I figured I had to resolve it somehow and nobody could do that except me and my conscience & gut. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. In the end I got what she wanted me to get and I did it the honest way with no deception, which sure would have been easy. The honest way truly put me at the mercy and good will of another person not in our family. If that person had not come through with the commitment they did then I would have had to let this thing go to divorce I guess. That was up to wife. If I had pulled the deception the way I was thinking of doing it then...loss of self respect and loss of respect for her unreasonable position. Deception was in my mind partially due to what I have read here about Chinese ladies telling lies to not hurt her mate. I find myself weighing her ways vs mine more and more. Has she covered up a few things along the way? Yes, and I found them, just like she finds out things about me. So what if the American uses lies to resolve hurt or avoid it? In my case this time I just could not base the rest of our marriage on anything but honesty and openess. It was a divorcable issue with her. Ridiculous but it was the way it was. In April if this 3rd party comes through and we make the exchange needed then I have a resolution. My wife is still at odds with me because fundamentally we disagree on how to resolve this. In a way I had an impossible situation like my cousin. My cousin and I were both just a little awe struck at both our predicaments. I just hope both our marriages last and work out. I hope all others here in CFL work out as well. His wife and my wife are very good responsible people who contribute to a better society. We marry them and I guess these things have to be worked out above job or any other issue. Godspeed to all here.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

Umm.... ok I think I get it my guess is you've done the hard part , maybe alittle bridge building to be done.

 

Good luck

[SheLikesME?]

Umm.... ok I think I get it my guess is you've done the hard part , maybe alittle bridge building to be done.

 

Good luck

Oh heck. She just calls and wonders if I will be there tonight. B)

YANK left, yank right

[Joanne]

I don't care who you are, where you grew up, how you grew up, what your education is, how strong your ethics and morals are. There isn't anyone that hasn't stretched the truth, told a white lie, told a huge lie so that the truth wouldn't hurt someone they care about and hope, hope, hope they get away with it.

 

Look at the truth, look at the lie, LISTEN to the motivation for the mistruth. Was it done out of compassion for the other person's feelings? Was it done strictly to boost the esteem of the person who misspoke the truth?

 

In other words, look at everything. Don't boil this down to just black and white. There is no absolute black and white. Maybe there used to be. Maybe we'd all like there to be...but there just isn't....

 

Good response!

 

To add to it: in order to avoid unnessary lies, give each other some space (I don't mean physically stay away). Don't press for an answer or clarification for every tiny issue. Often a truth can be misunderstood and is not any truthful than a lie.

[SheLikesME?]

I don't care who you are, where you grew up, how you grew up, what your education is, how strong your ethics and morals are. There isn't anyone that hasn't stretched the truth, told a white lie, told a huge lie so that the truth wouldn't hurt someone they care about and hope, hope, hope they get away with it.

 

Look at the truth, look at the lie, LISTEN to the motivation for the mistruth. Was it done out of compassion for the other person's feelings? Was it done strictly to boost the esteem of the person who misspoke the truth?

 

In other words, look at everything. Don't boil this down to just black and white. There is no absolute black and white. Maybe there used to be. Maybe we'd all like there to be...but there just isn't....

 

Good response!

 

To add to it: in order to avoid unnessary lies, give each other some space (I don't mean physically stay away). Don't press for an answer or clarification for every tiny issue. Often a truth can be misunderstood and is not any truthful than a lie.

YES Larry I agree with you too. Didn't mean to sound so prudish. It is just that in a major issue like I had I just did not feel it was the way to go. Other times it just is not worth the trouble to explain the twisted truth.

 

Now what does all this Chinese writing mean. I am at a distinct disadvantage

[DMikeS4321]

This may seem stupid or simplistic, but... I have a rule; if something ever goes wrong, it's MY fault. We joke about it all the time, "Lao Gong's fault". I refuse to attach any negative feelings to anything my Wife does.

 

This may not work for anyone but me, but in MY life, it is easier to just idolize her than not.

 

Best Regards

[Corbin]

This may seem stupid or simplistic, but... I have a rule; if something ever goes wrong, it's MY fault. We joke about it all the time, "Lao Gong's fault". I refuse to attach any negative feelings to anything my Wife does.

 

This may not work for anyone but me, but in MY life, it is easier to just idolize her than not.

 

Best Regards

DMike, as you said it may not work for anyone, but you and your wife. Though it has some major truths to it. These are, what can you live with and what makes you both happy without compromising you or your wife to the breaking point.

[DMikeS4321]

This may seem stupid or simplistic, but... I have a rule; if something ever goes wrong, it's MY fault. We joke about it all the time, "Lao Gong's fault". I refuse to attach any negative feelings to anything my Wife does.

 

This may not work for anyone but me, but in MY life, it is easier to just idolize her than not.

 

Best Regards

DMike, as you said it may not work for anyone, but you and your wife. Though it has some major truths to it. These are, what can you live with and what makes you both happy without compromising you or your wife to the breaking point.

 

This is true, Big C, but I think, in my case, it stems from my previous failed marriages and the realization that I am SO lucky to have my wife. I just made a conscious decision to always honor her and see her in nothing but a positive light. Not that this is hard because, she IS perfect. I've simply made a major adjustment to the way I look at things; in my past, God help the woman who tried to correct me or blame me. In retrospect, I was a sick man, but now I'm well. The cure can be seen in my current avatar (she's the one on the left in the picture!! ).

 

I AM the luckiest man in the world!!

[Corbin]

This may seem stupid or simplistic, but... I have a rule; if something ever goes wrong, it's MY fault. We joke about it all the time, "Lao Gong's fault". I refuse to attach any negative feelings to anything my Wife does.

 

This may not work for anyone but me, but in MY life, it is easier to just idolize her than not.

 

Best Regards

DMike, as you said it may not work for anyone, but you and your wife. Though it has some major truths to it. These are, what can you live with and what makes you both happy without compromising you or your wife to the breaking point.

 

This is true, Big C, but I think, in my case, it stems from my previous failed marriages and the realization that I am SO lucky to have my wife. I just made a conscious decision to always honor her and see her in nothing but a positive light. Not that this is hard because, she IS perfect. I've simply made a major adjustment to the way I look at things; in my past, God help the woman who tried to correct me or blame me. In retrospect, I was a sick man, but now I'm well. The cure can be seen in my current avatar (she's the one on the left in the picture!! ).

 

I AM the luckiest man in the world!!

She looks like she feels lucky also..............

[Smitty]

Your current avatar? I'm still seeing the red stamp, although it's kinda stretched out....

 

Another old saying, and maybe it's not five thousand years old, is "Water under the bridge."

 

Personally, I have a problem letting go of issues, but you can't make every skirmish a battle, so another old saying "pick your battles."

 

Still wishing you two the best of luck!