BIG problems with Little Chinese Wife

[Drew]

Actually... both of them are are only 3 months apart, same year born... pig.

 

Took me 2-1/2 years first time around for last one to bring as fiance under K-1 Started age 21. She is now 25. Wasn't with her for 1 year solid....only telephone because I burned up all my available vacation time to go over there to resolve things and see her in 2005 and 2006.

 

This time I did things different thinking K-3 and being my wife would mean more to the woman. My ex-fiance stated we weren't married.... this time I am.... I guess I was expecting a different outcome based on personal attitude and respect from her based on culture.

 

Now... my wife refuses to believe or accept my offer of $200 a month. I justify this based on several reasons. Costs of living for her are FAR less than myself... we all know that. Also, she has absolutely NO financial responsibility with home or living expenses of operating and maintaining a home or going to work. She doesn't work at this time by her own choice. I additionally don't want to encourage any reasons for her to stay in china. If I give her $500 like she requested.... why leave??..... So much free on her hands with no job.. too much probability for something else to go wrong.... I already found out she was getting $72 a month at her last job. I almost tripled this with my offer of helping her to send $200 and could feasibly see going to $250 each month. I'm not claiming her on taxes, so I don't get the cut to work with.

 

Aside of this, I calculated visa expenditures ($200 budget each month), trips every 6 months to visit ($425 budget each month) + $200 each month support equate to around $825 per month budget financing required to support the relationship!!! That's probably on the LOW side I am guessing and probably be the same when she got here?? I haven't been married before... but I think I am realistic.

 

With current expenditures figured out for support sent to her and limiting myself to ONLY work and home... absolutely nothing else, go nowhere, etc.... I maximize my ability pay off debts AND react to situations with visa requirements or herself as they arise and can prepare for her to come (medical, car purchase, who knows what else) and have a fair shot at anticipating worse case scenarios for visa issues. Last but not least... NOT spoiling her and putting her in a comfort zone that she would not want to leave. Like I said, too much cash and too much free time equal nothing but trouble. Known fact worldwide.

 

If anything, here mother, who told me on the translator I need teach her how to use money..... should be supporting me in my efforts!!!!

 

I am waiting to see what happens for now. Someone from this forum has been helping me and i must say.... my wife can learn alot from her!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

 

Thank you everyone for your comments and insight. I'm not riding out of town on my one horse saddle at full speed yet. I am trying my best to see if this can't be resolved. I hope with the help I am receiving that the wild lady's mind can be tame and more realistic.

 

I have stopped my attempts of communication until SHE contacts me.

 

Perhaps this will never happen......... except to sign documents..... something I told her I would not do. Not interested in getting married again.

Edited January 31, 2008 by Drew (see edit history)

[Tony_onrock]

 

Though, age 24, she has a $25,000 Hyundai Coupe and seemed to think nothing of money.

 

But they live in what I call a dive. Here in the U.S., her living conditions are the equivalent of "slumming" here.

 

/

 

I don't quite understand. She does not work, live with her family unding a poor living condition, yet she has a car to drive around? Something is missing.

 

Joanne, I am surprised that you are asking this question.

(1). Would a Honda Civic be more telling?

(2). Heard of the story how Dong Cun Rei died? Well, he was conned by his comrade from Henan

(3). I am sure Drew does not want to know the answer. Marriage is important, cause whoever gave her the Honda Civic, I mean Hyundai Coup, can't not give her marriage.

 

P.S. Recent update on this front:

to show class, upgraded to Mercedes now, but still the low end one. Reason: If the boss has to ride it with her, one, he can still fit in, two, it is non-the-less a Mecedes. But then the girl has to be of a class that fit the car as well. Highly doubt they have too many of those in Henan.

[Guest knloregon]

Ok, Drew,

 

Tony & Joanne have been ummmm....... 'circumspect'...... to say the least... save face perhaps?

 

I think many here are wondering: Is your wife a prostitute?

 

~ Unfortunately, even by western standards----profile seems to fit. Probably very attractive, certainly young and randy, Poor inner city conditions, not interested in improving the 'home' situation---not domestic, not available for marital communication, with a parent that 'looks the other way' Not working, (well, except in the working girl sense), driving and maintaining a very expensive and flashy car (by Chinese standards..)

 

walks like a duck......quacks.....

[SmilingAsia]

It's the problem of women, not only Chinese women.

If you worked in China, Russia or Thailand and you married a 23-year-old girl, jobless, with poor family, with a nice car. She married you cuz she thought you were rich. Now you send her only $200 per month so she is not in the mood to talk to you and no mood to love you.

[Yuanyang]

Sadly we've heard of this type of situation before.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

Ok, Drew,

 

Tony & Joanne have been ummmm....... 'circumspect'...... to say the least... save face perhaps?

 

I think many here are wondering: Is your wife a prostitute?

 

~ Unfortunately, even by western standards----profile seems to fit. Probably very attractive, certainly young and randy, Poor inner city conditions, not interested in improving the 'home' situation---not domestic, not available for marital communication, with a parent that 'looks the other way' Not working, (well, except in the working girl sense), driving and maintaining a very expensive and flashy car (by Chinese standards..)

 

walks like a duck......quacks.....

 

 

A duck is a male prostitute in china, a female is a chicken. B)

 

I dont think we should conclude she is a baoernai (°ü¶þÄÌ) or any other tier of "sex worker" as we dont want to fall into the past time of gossip , right ?

[david_dawei]

It's the problem of women, not only Chinese women.

If you worked in China, Russia or Thailand and you married a 23-year-old girl, jobless, with poor family, with a nice car. She married you cuz she thought you were rich. Now you send her only $200 per month so she is not in the mood to talk to you and no mood to love you.

[izus]

drop that girl like a bad habbit already bro....

take it as lesson learned.

shes out spending your money every week at clubs and partying with her friends laughing at you.

if ive ever heard a story of red flags before this is it

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p99/MadDogFargo/redflags.jpg

[Shenzhen K-1]

drop that girl like a bad habbit already bro....

take it as lesson learned.

shes out spending your money every week at clubs and partying with her friends laughing at you.

if ive ever heard a story of red flags before this is it

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p99/MadDogFargo/redflags.jpg

 

DITTO!!

 

Sad, but some times we get so close to the situation we can not see what is really happening!! B)

 

The can not see the forest because of the trees, or something like that!

[ameriken]

For Drew, if you dont mind saying.......what led you both to marry?

 

What convinced you that she was in love with you, wanted to spend her life with you, and that she was 'the one'?

[Guest knloregon]

Hey Rob, wouldn't a male prostitute in China be a drake.......

 

....of sorts.....

[david_dawei]

Hey Rob, wouldn't a male prostitute in China be a drake.......

 

....of sorts.....

I thought it was a duck

[DMikeS4321]

So.... is $200 lowballing? Those that support their wives ... how much is the norm?

 

When my business was doing well I would send my wife $500 to $1000 each month.

 

Since my business collapsed, she has been sending me money, up to $2500 at a pop. She tells me: "Rich or poor, we are in this together."

 

It doesn't matter how much you send, what matters is who you send it to.

 

You're in my prayers, Buddy.

[DMikeS4321]

I see your issue resulting from the generation difference. It can be worked out depending on whether you are committed to this marriage and how much effort you want to put into it.

 

Thinking about her generation. She is 24 and has no job living with her mother. This generation mostly is spoiled and takes things for granted. It is a generation centered by parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Even kids from some difficulty families learn to be self-centered because other kids around them living like that, so they think that is how life is supposed to be. At the age of 24, she should have finished her college education and find a job and work. If a person doesnt work and make money to take care of herself, she would just dream about her life and would not appreciate anything provided for her because she doesnt know how much effort needed to be put in to bring the money home.

 

There is a Chinese saying "ren bi ren qi si ren", which means you could pass out if you compare yourself to others. Your wife needs to know she is living in her life and her friend is having hers too. They two are having their own husband and of course life should be different. Let her know what you post here about the life difference between the two families.

 

About the $200 is enough or not. You lived in China before. And from your planning of your finance and the future life, I should congratulate you that you learned well from your ex Chinese wife. With your income and work capability and wisdom in finance, your wife should reach her dream when she comes to the States. But you need let her know that she needs listen to you because she has no idea of the American life and what needs to be taken care of here. With current currency exchange rate, I would say $200 can cover monthly basic needs. From your description, she doesnt or doesnt know to bargain (which is unusual for a working class girl). She might be tight in getting some clothes. You know, girl's wardrobe is never enough.

 

I always think sending money is not so necessary when apart (we went with the K1) because the USC needs money to prepare things on this end. I talked with my hubby once about this issue. He said that was because not everyone could have a comfortable life and did not need go to an English class. The USC wanted their fiancee or wife living better. So I guess the amount of money would be decided on what kind of life you want her to have over there. 200 for a basic one and 350 for a comfortable one. China is like America, the life style depends on the income. You also could communicate her that since you two are married now, she need think more of 'we', not 'I'. Every Yuan she saves over there would benefit her life here because you are saving to make it better for her. And now you need her to get involved and her effort.

 

Even now she doesnt talk on the phone, keep trying reaching out to her. Keep emailing her or sending messages. She can read and she will read. Then she will think. Give her some time and space to think and figure things out. She is not playing a game. She just doesnt understand the life, the hardship, and how to reach the dream. You need work for the dream. The dream will not just simply falls on your head. She marries you. She is not playing. As for the future, if you are committed into this marriage, you need to be patient and help her grow. She is too young to know what life is about.

 

As to the wedding photo shooting, you should not be upset. That is a common trick the studio plays everywhere, esp. the good ones. When you go there to make an appointment and pick out the program. you think you understand all the details. When you see the pictures and talk about what to put into the album, the problem surfaces. Some studio doesnt give you the negatives, which you always want to own them yourself and think you would need them when making more printouts. Here comes the price for the negatives. When you want to put more pictures in the album, here comes extra cost. When you want to use a better print paper for your big picture, here comes extra cost. There are many ways to take money out of your pocket. Usually when you see the beautiful pictures, you forget about the cost issue. I guess she paid for the 400 basic program price and you paid the 800 for the extra part. Shooting the wedding pictures is a very important part for a Chinese girl. She will show the album to any one who asks about her husband. It is just like having the wedding ceremony is for the bride in the States. How many groom are happy about the process? They just understand that is done for the bride because it is her big day.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Cathy, I think a lot of us wish you would post more often. Your wisdom is profound. We can always use more of that around here.

 

Best Regards

[Cathy]

Thank you very much for your compliment, Mike. I just comment subjectively with my understanding. This time I had a chance to put it into practice and it seemed working.

 

Understanding and being understood is fun and comfort in life.

 

Happy Chinese New Year!