I am not rich

[Thomas Promise]

I imagine we may have a few rich guys on this board, but most of us probably just make a good living.

 

I do not want my SO disappointed when she arrives, so I've tried to explain to her that I am not RICH and that we will live a modest life in the US.

 

She either doesn't understand or does not believe me.

 

Are you/where you concerned about that issue?

If your SO believes you are rich and you are just middle of the road guy you must make sure she knows this. Ask a Chinese person to explain this to her if her English is not good. I told my ex and allow me to say this again my ex. I told her that I was financially secure but not rich. Ie no house or car payment, very little debt and some money saved. Through her very limited education that I found out she possed recently plus the 3rd party e-mail handlers she used. She just assumed I was Wall Street 101 a very wealthy man. Ask your wife if she has alot of debt to payback in China to her creditors. If she does and your goals are different then hers you must have her understand this. If not you are asking to become financial cannon fodder for her agenda. Saving face to a Chinese person is very important to them. It does not matter if their goals are totally wrong by Western standards. This saving face by the Chinese through out history has caused them to disrupt their entire society and tear their entire country apart through warlords, revolution and chaos. This is the way I believe they view life.

If money is her main motivation to be with you. you do not need her no matter if you are wealthy. She will always be looking for the bigger better deal.

Edited September 25, 2007 by Thomas Promise (see edit history)

[chilton747]

Back about a year ago there was a poll about how much money we made..I am right towards the bottom.I recognize your concern. When I first started corresponding with yan .I laid it all out in my first letter to her. I am not rich but if we both work we can have a good life here.If you need a rich person move on to someone else.When I opened a joint account after she arrived and had her use the check book to pay the bills things clicked in her head and fast. Most chinese women are good at handling money and have a desire to work.She may suprise you.

As stated before let her know what your cards are and do not suger coat too much. Send her a lot of photos of your home inside and out and of your neighborhood also .One thing I worked hard on is to pay off all my credit cards before she came.This freeded up some money after she came as I has no payments from them. Debt is a millstone around your neck to most chinese.

I knowwwwwwwwwww what you mean Very nice avatar. Is that a painting of your wife?????

[Feathers268]

It didn't take Jen long to learn where we stand once she got here. If she is anything like Jen, you should have no worries. Jen adapted to our financial situation right away and is working hard to get her English to the point that she can help us jump a tax bracket or two.

Just beware of the endless stream of "get ritch quick schemes".

[Tony_onrock]

Disclosure is a bad thing, so is joint account. Just tell her that you will be able to provide for her and the kids and she does not have to worry about finance is enough.

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

Disclosure is a bad thing, so is joint account. Just tell her that you will be able to provide for her and the kids and she does not have to worry about finance is enough.

 

 

I do not agree that disclosure is a bad thing . If she assumes one thing and she finds another, it is just one more hurdle that you will face in a relationship. Goodness knows we all have enough hurdles to jump in life, why add a few extra?

 

I do agree that a joint account is a bad thing..... However, joint access to the money is a decision that you need to make on your own. It is right for some people and wrong for others. Joint checking accounts on the other hand lead to problems more often than not. The problem is if two people are spending from the same account it is almost impossible to reconcile your checkbook in a timely manner. What happens if two people spend from the same account on the same day and forget to tell the other about it for a few days? I spent several years working in a bank and I can tell you that I saw more problems happen from this very scenario than any other. IF you feel joint finances work for you, set up individual accounts that are both attached to a joint savings account for overdraft protection.

 

Joshua

[Guest Rob & Jin]

I imagine we may have a few rich guys on this board, but most of us probably just make a good living.

 

I do not want my SO disappointed when she arrives, so I've tried to explain to her that I am not RICH and that we will live a modest life in the US.

 

She either doesn't understand or does not believe me.

 

Are you/where you concerned about that issue?

 

Jin knows I'm not rich, it does not bother her at all, she does not care about wealth or material things at all. She has made it quirte clear that we are a couple

[pkfops]

Rich?

 

Some girl in China likes you.

 

What more do you need?

Edited September 27, 2007 by pkfops (see edit history)

[Jeikun]

I told my Ying that I am not a rich man and I think she believes me. She asked me once before I visited China the first time how much I made and how much my bills were. She does accounting in China so I laid it on the line for her and I guess she thinks it is adequate. She tells me that she just wants to lead a quiet and simple life. She says she will work here if we need her to. What a great girl!

 

 

Not insinuating anything, but just struck by the irony that Jun said the exact words that Ying did when I explained I wasn't well off by any stretch. "I just want to lead a quiet and simple life.", "Money isn't most important, we will both work if we need to.". Even posted on this website "Jason is already successful because he has me."

 

That didn't last very long at all.

 

Again, I'm not quoting your post because I think that means anything ominous in your case. Only because I made pretty much the exact same post 3 years ago.

 

Not saying it was her fault either. It's just that understanding something mentally, and actually living it are 2 different animals. Just be understanding if your SO's have adjustment issues that they "said they wouldn't have", because sometimes it just isn't possible to understand your reaction to something until you experience it first hand.

 

Of course most things like that can be worked out, as long as it isn;t due to lying by either side, or an EXTREMELY gross misunderstanding that gets compounded as it is built on.

 

Just stay open and open minded (which is telling most of you what you already know anyway).

[SirLancelot]

It's just that understanding something mentally, and actually living it are 2 different animals. Just be understanding if your SO's have adjustment issues that they "said they wouldn't have", because sometimes it just isn't possible to understand your reaction to something until you experience it first hand.

 

I think Jeikun is completely on the mark here. This has been discussed before and I solidly believe it's important to understand and accept the fact that your SO can't possibly understand everything she said she'll be or do while in China because she simply doesn't understand what day to day life in the US will be like. She can promise the sky to you while she's in China but once she gets here, she may think completely differently. You need to keep this in mind. If she's everything she said she'd be when she gets here: GREAT! You truly lucked out. But don't try to hold her to everything she said in China, as really she's committing to a type of un-informed consent. She's consenting or agreeing to things that she has no real understanding of and certainly that kind of consent wouldn't hold up in a court of law. So try to be understanding. Of course that doesn't mean to let her walk all over you like a power mower either.

[carl.hops]

I imagine we may have a few rich guys on this board, but most of us probably just make a good living.

 

I do not want my SO disappointed when she arrives, so I've tried to explain to her that I am not RICH and that we will live a modest life in the US.

 

She either doesn't understand or does not believe me.

 

Are you/where you concerned about that issue?

 

I'm not too worried about it, one of our first conversations was about money and how it wasn't too important to me, material things that is. She admitted she was materialistic but I think we both have an understanding that I'm not rich and that I really don't care to be as long as I live happily and stable. I think she understands that, but still, with a want to be rich in her. This doesn't mean she will leave me because I don't plan to become a doctor like she suggested! Thats about love, not wealth. Family!

[shaffej7070]

It's just that understanding something mentally, and actually living it are 2 different animals. Just be understanding if your SO's have adjustment issues that they "said they wouldn't have", because sometimes it just isn't possible to understand your reaction to something until you experience it first hand.

 

I think Jeikun is completely on the mark here. This has been discussed before and I solidly believe it's important to understand and accept the fact that your SO can't possibly understand everything she said she'll be or do while in China because she simply doesn't understand what day to day life in the US will be like. She can promise the sky to you while she's in China but once she gets here, she may think completely differently. You need to keep this in mind. If she's everything she said she'd be when she gets here: GREAT! You truly lucked out. But don't try to hold her to everything she said in China, as really she's committing to a type of un-informed consent. She's consenting or agreeing to things that she has no real understanding of and certainly that kind of consent wouldn't hold up in a court of law. So try to be understanding. Of course that doesn't mean to let her walk all over you like a power mower either.

 

 

Adjustment takes time. It helps your fiance/spouse to communicate with other Chinese ladies living in your area to share and relate living conditions. Through many discussions with her new Chinese friends, Lao Po has learned to understand and make adjustments without any problems. I was fortunate she found a network of caring and concerned people she can relate to.

Edited September 27, 2007 by yimi386 (see edit history)

[lostinblue]

Back about a year ago there was a poll about how much money we made..I am right towards the bottom.I recognize your concern. When I first started corresponding with yan .I laid it all out in my first letter to her. I am not rich but if we both work we can have a good life here.If you need a rich person move on to someone else.When I opened a joint account after she arrived and had her use the check book to pay the bills things clicked in her head and fast. Most chinese women are good at handling money and have a desire to work.She may suprise you.

As stated before let her know what your cards are and do not suger coat too much. Send her a lot of photos of your home inside and out and of your neighborhood also .One thing I worked hard on is to pay off all my credit cards before she came.This freeded up some money after she came as I has no payments from them. Debt is a millstone around your neck to most chinese.

I knowwwwwwwwwww what you mean Very nice avatar. Is that a painting of your wife?????

Yes Yan sat for a professional while he was teaching at an art class my mother belongs to. He wishes to use her more in the future . Now that she has her EAD we shall see. She is so proud of it. I tease her often now about being a model.

[Minister]

I have the opposite problem.

 

My little Angel lived in Japan for about 9 years. When she first went to Japan, she had that experience that I think only Chinese can have and really understand: moving to a foreign country, thinking that you have plenty of money in your savings, and then BOOM, realizing that you're poor.

 

My income puts me towards the upper end of the spectrum (I'm by no means rich, don't get me wrong. The key words are "towards the upper end" not anywhere "near the top"!), but she still worries a little that she will have a hard life in the states. There doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to calm her heart completely. I imagine the financial culture shock of Japan left scars that won't disappear anytime soon. But honestly, I'm happy about it too.

 

First, I think she will be pleasantly surprised. And second, despite her worries, she still wants to be together. This type of thing makes MY heart easy. -_^

[chilton747]

I have the opposite problem.

 

My little Angel lived in Japan for about 9 years. When she first went to Japan, she had that experience that I think only Chinese can have and really understand: moving to a foreign country, thinking that you have plenty of money in your savings, and then BOOM, realizing that you're poor.

 

My income puts me towards the upper end of the spectrum (I'm by no means rich, don't get me wrong. The key words are "towards the upper end" not anywhere "near the top"!), but she still worries a little that she will have a hard life in the states. There doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to calm her heart completely. I imagine the financial culture shock of Japan left scars that won't disappear anytime soon. But honestly, I'm happy about it too.

 

First, I think she will be pleasantly surprised. And second, despite her worries, she still wants to be together. This type of thing makes MY heart easy. -_^

An easy heart goes a long way in keeping your little angel calm. I wish you the best.

[Aussie in love]

Sorry, but I can't believe what you blokes are saying!

 

"disclosure is a bad thing", "a joint account is a bad thing"

 

Jane and I are a couple. We are not two people living together. We are not testing the water. We did not go into this relationship with an "out". Richer or poorer, through sickness or health, we are a couple.

 

Therefore there are no secrets, no mine or yours. It is all ours.

 

For those that need to be told, the benefits are more than you could imagine.

 

Once again, for the people in this dilemma, I'm sorry.