curious

[izus]

my wife and i have been wondering how you people have long distant relationships and dont speak the same language and then get married.

 

how can you find out if you have anything in common?

what can you expect from them when you finally do meet face to face? if you have not even spoken to them.

we are both very confused and curious on how this happens.

 

then afterwards when you finally do get together...

what do you do together?

and dont say sex..

how do you share time together?

 

ive seen how DavidZ and his wife work but she speaks english fairly well. i think even that requires alot of patience.

[chilton747]

It takes a lot of patience and perserverance. And daily conversation I might add. If you take the time it takes for a man and woman that speaks the same language into consideration then add to that the language barrier, then patience becomes our best virtue.

[SheLikesME?]

Maybe the language dif can be an advantage.........

 

You know, I consider the cultural difference a kind of buffer for bad behavior. Sometimes my wife thinks it might be the cultural diferences and hangs on just a little longer, just to find out it is ME!!! But by then she is accustomed to me a little more. It doesn't stop her from blowing her stack......but she isn't out the door yet. Maybe we will adapt just enough...............

 

(And she speaks English........Sorry Bill) But speaking the same language cannot help sometimes. Frustration has set in lately over our communication.

[paula]

I was cursios too, and thought this kinda marriage would not last long, but now maybe I was wrong. I met a couple in my resturant, chinese lady and american guy. the lady speak hardly english and she stayed in the US almost for 3 years. She doest work, and stay at home to take care of family. I drove to her house 2 days ago, and found her house is very clean, and she was knitting in the living room and watching TV. She told me they never fight and her husband did everything for her. I believe in her. I know without her husband, she cant stay here because of her poor english. I am little jealous of her. compare to her, I have to do everything for my family, pay all bills on time and when phone or electricity or everything in my family had problem, I had to make calls to fix it. I have to work too, even though not work everyday like I did in China, but I felt the same tired sometimes, also more complaining. These days my husband was travel with his kids, I was at home alone and thought maybe I should never had learnt english before, Then I would never flight and complain to my husband. Our marriage would be happy???

 

I only got one conclusion yesterday, when american independent day was. I am a Chinese Lady with american husband, but I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN! so I called my husband and told him maybe I should stay in the US but not live with him. He said "please keep me as I am a sweet husband " Most of them yes he is, then I told him" OK, now I will keep you, but you need try to get rid your bad temper and be much sweeter". So now I still have to be his secretary, housekeeper, chef, best friend, and sexy wife!!

[BillV 8-16-2004]

I used an interpreter with my wife in the beginning while she was in China and made 4 trips to see her and spend time with her there. After she came to America she attended ESL class but she got discouraged because most of her classmates were Mexican and spoke Spanish so instead she wanted to find a job. She found a job at an all-English speaking college for over a year now and her English skills have developed rapidly since. She also told me no Chinese television only English. My wife and I enjoy raising chickens and having a garden, fruit trees, working around the house decorating, inside and outside projects. I love her skills in the kitchen, she is such a hard worker at anything she does, she is very fashionable and very intelligent in general and when it comes to health and diet which has always been an interest of mine, she has taught me so much.

[mercator]

I think language is much less an issue than culture. After 1 year and 3 days together, we still butt heads and feel slights because of cultural ignorance. Nothing major, but they still creep up.

 

As to language, my wife has progressed steadily. She admits she does not spend as much time on studies as she should, but there is no pressure. If she works or not, that is her decision alone. We are fine either way. She has almost finished all three Rosetta Stone programs, and studies slang and common idioms on the Internet with some adjustments when she checks with me, because they aren't always quite right. I find I have to discipline myself, or I just slip into Chinglish, or what she calls laopolaogonghua which must sound pretty funny or strange to people on the street when they hear us talking. Now I make a concerted effort to talk slowly with as perfect an accent as I can muster to bolster her skills.

 

My wife and I share movies. You can get just about anything with Chinese subtitles, or Chinese movies with English subtitles. Ebay has tons of Hong Kong (and China, if you like fuzzy webcam movies) dealers who will sell you legit copies of movies. They are still pretty cheap at about $10 plus shipping a pop. Buy in bulk and save on the shipping, or accept having them shipped at a lower class and waiting a while for them to save some money. Then, sell them on Ebay and break even or even make a little money because people will pay more to get the same movie from a stateside seller. Just dont try and sell the fuzzy webcam ones.

 

We also take walks and ride our motorcycle together. A couple times a month we go shopping, which takes about 5 hours

 

My wife is also quite into the computer. From gardening, star gossip, herbal medicine, to whatever else, she can be on her computer 4 hours a day or more. She will also watch CCTV4 and ATV from wcetv.com quite a bit. We have cable, so we also watch a few chinese serials (40 episode kung fu shows, really) on AZN together.

 

She spends about $20 a month with onesuite calling her friends and family as well ($20 gets you like 900 minutes to China).

 

She does not work yet, because she is so shy about her language skills. She has applied to a couple of places, but they did not call her back. Her references are a little too far away...

 

She was homesick a couple times in the first couple of months, but that is when you really have to step up and be there for her. Gudu de and fawei de are the enemies if you let them. My wife gets lonely or bored only very rarely, especially now that she has become a regular in an overseas chinese woman discussion board off of yahoo.com.cn , and has such easy phone access to family and friends.

[izus]

I only got one conclusion yesterday, when american independent day was. I am a Chinese Lady with american husband, but I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN! so I called my husband and told him maybe I should stay in the US but not live with him. He said "please keep me as I am a sweet husband "

 

people sometimes do not realize how good they had it till it is not there.

[izus]

these comments are exactly what i wanted to hear...

thanks Bill and Mercator for some great positive words.

[SmilingAsia]

Just how cute it is when she gave you a bag of "peanuts" and pronounced it "penis"!

 

When two persons have language barrier, they are more tolerant.

Sam and I were always separated by a common language. We fought only for a few English words or one English sentence. Without language barrier, you have very sharp tongue. He was very defensive, and when he was defensive, I over reacted, so fighting or cold war began. So we stopped talking 6 months ago.

 

A friend of mine is dating someone a bit like Sam, but they get along well. This lady is more tolerant, less sensitive than I have been.

 

Without language barrier, you think you have all the fish in the sea and you have higher expectation so you are more demanding than the ladies who don't communicate well in language.

Edited July 5, 2007 by SmilingAsia (see edit history)

[izus]

Just how cute it is when she gave you a bag of "peanuts" and pronounced it "penis"!

 

When two persons have language barrier, they are more tolerant.

 

dont you think it could go the other way as well, say one party only speaks a little english and she misunderstands something that is said to her.

[Randy W]

Just how cute it is when she gave you a bag of "peanuts" and pronounced it "penis"!

 

When two persons have language barrier, they are more tolerant.

 

dont you think it could go the other way as well, say one party only speaks a little english and she misunderstands something that is said to her.

 

 

like when Jiaying thought penis was pronounced "Be Nice!" becasue that's what I had to say everytime she went near it?

[Joanne]

Without language barrier, you think you have all the fish in the sea and you have higher expectation so you are more demanding than the ladies who don't communicate well in language.

 

I agree. My husband understood everything I said or not said when my English was much worse. He does not forgive as easily as before. I have to openly acknowledge that a misunderstanding is due to my language problem (which I need to realize first). Vice versa in Chinese.

Edited July 5, 2007 by Joanne (see edit history)

[esun41]

"You People"?

 

 

 

We manage. It has been difficult at times but so is working in an industry that has many Spanish speaking workers.

 

 

 

I guess you adapt and overcome any obstacles that are present. Many forms of communication involve other methods besides verbal anyway.

[egolessvegan]

Izus:

 

My wife knew maybe a few words of English when we first connected. This was only a minor inconvenience for us. Three plus months later we were meeting in Guangzhou. The rest is history!

 

We have been married and living in the US for over 2 years now. Also the 2 children are here. All of us are very happy. Meeting my wife is the single most important event of my life.

 

Izus, a true romantic believes anything is possible. The language of love is universal.

 

Ken

[david_dawei]

I think language is much less an issue than culture.

I heartily agree with this...

 

----

 

I think temperment and outlook are the key issue... if you don't have the temperment nor outlook for such a relationship, don't attempt it.. find someone with better language skills.

 

In the end, it does require alot of patience and the ability to not make some things an issue; like water off the back of a duck.

 

I still joke to her that the only english word she could say when we first meet was my name, and yet she still cannot get that second "d" pronounced correctly... but I like hearing her say it mispronounced just like the day we first meet; her first english word.

 

On our first trip, we had a translator for most of the time; the last 4 days or so without one..

 

I had a big question mark a few months after filing... I couldn't gauge her well enough to know if this was truly the right thing to have done. So I went to china for three months... removed all doubts; she gained some english words... I was then thoroughly convinced that my question mark was only in my head; never in hers... training comes in many forms. But learned we did have many common interests...

 

my wife's english is amazingly good considering her not having any when we meet... the key was my working at home; she picked up english very fast mostly due to 24/7 together.

 

In the end, I prefer less talk anyway... she talks more english than I do. she says I'm more chinese than american sometimes...

 

The other day, I tried to question her on a number of things and it got nowhere fast... I simply stopped and said it didn't matter... I applied the "need to know" rule; If I need to know, she'll tell me... I allow her alot of freedom to do what she wants and I don't have to know everything... so this requires alot of trust in the other person.

 

I'll end with this: At the last get together in SoCo... someone asked the group whether you (as the man) hug your wife and say "i love you" before going to bed... I said no... it's not needed... we have forms of communication which convey such feelings which we had to use from the beginning. As my wife say, "if you love me, wash my feet", sometimes it's "massage my feet". Almost biblical.. but it's coming from a humanist or naturalist...