Fiancee still on 2 websites?

[ameriken]

Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us.

Then maybe that explains a lot. I think most of us here do it on our own or use a lawyer.

 

Sounds like things are good based on your last post. Hope the best for Y'all.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Yes, I feel much better. I could tell that my SO was distraught with upsetting me (and NOT because she blew the green card). I don't think she slept much the night before. I felt awful because it looked like I caused her a great deal of concern. I cherish this girl and never want to do that to her again! (unless she dumps me after she gets her green card...just kidding!)

Thank you again

Wow, glad it all worked out! You had to deal with it one way or another, and you did. If you did not, it would have continued to haunt you....as I said, I would have been just as uncomfortable with it as you were. But you handled it properly and it appears you both came through it well. When things like this happen, it is always better to bring it to the table and get it worked out rather than let it stew. Perhaps the result of this has strengthened your relationship between both of you! Good luck to you both!!!

[michaelt]

Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us.

Then maybe that explains a lot. I think most of us here do it on our own or use a lawyer.

 

Sounds like things are good based on your last post. Hope the best for Y'all.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Yes, I feel much better. I could tell that my SO was distraught with upsetting me (and NOT because she blew the green card). I don't think she slept much the night before. I felt awful because it looked like I caused her a great deal of concern. I cherish this girl and never want to do that to her again! (unless she dumps me after she gets her green card...just kidding!)

Thank you again

Wow, glad it all worked out! You had to deal with it one way or another, and you did. If you did not, it would have continued to haunt you....as I said, I would have been just as uncomfortable with it as you were. But you handled it properly and it appears you both came through it well. When things like this happen, it is always better to bring it to the table and get it worked out rather than let it stew. Perhaps the result of this has strengthened your relationship between both of you! Good luck to you both!!!

Thank you so very much for your advice. To be honest, she's actually still very shaken up and for some reason also thought that I did not think she could ever make me happy again (where did that come from??)...gotta love this communication thing!!! I eventually did get her to smile and laugh and I will constantly adorn her with compliments and sweet e-mails. This was definitely educational. I won't go down this road again. (atleast not this week!) Thank you so much again (and everyone else!!!)

[Rakkasan]

Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us.

Michael, I am happy that you have resolved this issue. This may be a bit late but I will weigh in anyway.

 

How would you have felt if she had gone to the site and noticed that you had been visiting the site? After all the only way you could have known that she was visiting was for you to have been there yourself. Would she have been justified in thinking that you had a "Plan B"? I understand that in this process of paperwork and waiting there is more than enough time for strange thoughts to enter your mind, but before you assume the worst, as is natural after dealing with American women, stop, reverse the situation and think it through .

 

In the quote above from one of your posts in this thread it says " ...to answer email from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us."

It is possible that only she was the receipient of email notifications, but if both of you were using their visa service you perhaps also received periodic emails from the site. And if so did you go to the site to respond or delete them? I am not trying to bash you in any way here, but having followed this thread and read how upset and worried you have been and now how upset she is, it would seem that stepping back and thinking this through would have saved you both alot of emotional stress.

 

As I said, you visited the site and did not consider yourself as being there establishihng a "Plan B". In the future give her the benefit of the doubt. And now send her some flowers.

Edited May 8, 2007 by Rakkasan (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

You just better be damn sure about your own strength in this relationship because if you go into it for the long haul you have no way of predicting what curve ball life is going to throw at you even if it is a good relationship. From what I'm reading it doesn't sound too strong. What you going to do when the shit really hits the fan?

Well, this played out as I predicted.. get her to shut down her profile and everything must be ok... afterall, she thought there was nothing wrong with what she was doing; someone else had to tell her to stop it so they could relax

 

I'm not picking on the OP, but the circumstance is quite common...

 

The USC is upset about something the SO finds natural... after all, what crime was committed in responding to emails; ergo, does she need to shut it down or do we need to shut down some emotional response at times? Hopefully lessons learned on both sides of the ocean.

 

I'm also wondering if the visa service needed to use the webcam to chat with her as well? Obviously her reply is not totally honest and I don't expect it to be.. (did she mention the friend of yours she wrote, I assume he is not with the visa service, but he would fall loosely under a 'response to emails').

 

I think that what Steve says here is really important... we need the strength to realize that things are sometimes done differently around the world... Our hang-ups are not another person's hang-ups. Hopefully we find the balance of trust and talk.

[SheLikesME?]

True David. You always have great words of wisdom and I hope you keep teaching us. But you know she may not think too much about you having a 2nd wife either, or encourage it, or a gf. We all have to live with ourselves. We all have different backgrounds.

 

I have had some strong demands from my wife recently that are very altering. Things I told her before we met, now she wants changed. So this can go both ways. Round 2 coming up.

 

What about one poster breaking up with a lady, just to find one who stopped the profile at the same time as him and 100% with him on things?

 

No hard fast rules here, are there?

 

Just another thing to point out:

One might want to proceed on the side of caution if critisizing past spouses or gf/bf in one's life. It could be interpreted as bad choices on your part for dating or marrying such a person. Just don't over do it, maybe. This can carry over to parents and other influences in your life. You may want your future spouse to think well of your family and friends and past associations. On the otherhand maybe she handles this well. The Chinese are as different from each other as we are.

 

Starting down this road of stopping something innocent, as David says, can be heartbreaking in it's own regard. Is she happy that you don't like it, or that your jealous? Or will it just drive her underground? Maybe it is easier to just be as open about things as possible. What a dang dance this is. Easier to live in their world than our's, IMHO.

[michaelt]

You just better be damn sure about your own strength in this relationship because if you go into it for the long haul you have no way of predicting what curve ball life is going to throw at you even if it is a good relationship. From what I'm reading it doesn't sound too strong. What you going to do when the shit really hits the fan?

Well, this played out as I predicted.. get her to shut down her profile and everything must be ok... afterall, she thought there was nothing wrong with what she was doing; someone else had to tell her to stop it so they could relax

 

I'm not picking on the OP, but the circumstance is quite common...

 

The USC is upset about something the SO finds natural... after all, what crime was committed in responding to emails; ergo, does she need to shut it down or do we need to shut down some emotional response at times? Hopefully lessons learned on both sides of the ocean.

 

I'm also wondering if the visa service needed to use the webcam to chat with her as well? Obviously her reply is not totally honest and I don't expect it to be.. (did she mention the friend of yours she wrote, I assume he is not with the visa service, but he would fall loosely under a 'response to emails').

 

I think that what Steve says here is really important... we need the strength to realize that things are sometimes done differently around the world... Our hang-ups are not another person's hang-ups. Hopefully we find the balance of trust and talk.

I am learning much from this, thanks to you all. Yes, I did over-react and need to chill in the "emotions department". I must say though, the "visa service contact" thing isn't completely true either. They have contacted both of us in the past via normal e-mail...not through their website. And they certainly don't have the time to webcam. She is saddened about all of this but some of her emotions seem a bit dramatic. I'm not going to look into this any deeper than I have. The distance and culture thing presents too many possibilities, and I can second guess this for years to come. I will go with my gut and assume all is fine. I am sure we all have wondered what the true motives of our SO is in the beginning. As long as the end result is that my SO only wants one man, me, I am happy.

[david_dawei]

yes, I agree.. no hard and fast rules, one is discovering alot more about themselves and their mate than maybe they ever thought.

 

And yes, the distance and culture thing presents many possibilities and pressures; being apart is not easy. Only some time together will tell you if it will work out; for most, this must wait till the SO is in the US.

 

One has to know which fires to put out and which ones are just smoke presenting a hazy picture which will clear up soon (for better or worse).

 

We should be thankful that many chinese tend to be more flexible in a certain way.. willing to put up with so much of our emotional concern, particularly with the tendency toward swings (happy to upset to happy to upset).

 

What I was hoping to show on some level is that these types of situations feed into emotional swings; We rush to put out a fire and that makes us happy once resolved, till the next issue irks us... but one needs to realize that micro-managing another person is sometimes not in the best interest of yourself or the other; and sometimes it's necessary to step in and clear things up. No hard and fast rules.

 

Figure that out is a gut issue on some level, a trust issue on another level, and both a micro- and macro-awareness of the relationship. Add in not being together and it will appear like a crap shot. It's a risk on some level... back to having the strength to responsibly act, but that includes also letting the other person feel responsible for their actions... for some relationships, it is an incredible balancing act and for others it falls into place quicker... My feeling is always try to get to china as much as you can... For some, there is little feeling of security till really together.

[SheLikesME?]

Thanks Dave. Micro-Manage. THAT is a good term and says a lot. Also goes both ways. Now if only the mops were Micro, huh?

 

Yes lots of visits, which I didn't do.

[michaelt]

yes, I agree.. no hard and fast rules, one is discovering alot more about themselves and their mate than maybe they ever thought.

 

And yes, the distance and culture thing presents many possibilities and pressures; being apart is not easy. Only some time together will tell you if it will work out; for most, this must wait till the SO is in the US.

 

One has to know which fires to put out and which ones are just smoke presenting a hazy picture which will clear up soon (for better or worse).

 

We should be thankful that many chinese tend to be more flexible in a certain way.. willing to put up with so much of our emotional concern, particularly with the tendency toward swings (happy to upset to happy to upset).

 

What I was hoping to show on some level is that these types of situations feed into emotional swings; We rush to put out a fire and that makes us happy once resolved, till the next issue irks us... but one needs to realize that micro-managing another person is sometimes not in the best interest of yourself or the other; and sometimes it's necessary to step in and clear things up. No hard and fast rules.

 

Figure that out is a gut issue on some level, a trust issue on another level, and both a micro- and macro-awareness of the relationship. Add in not being together and it will appear like a crap shot. It's a risk on some level... back to having the strength to responsibly act, but that includes also letting the other person feel responsible for their actions... for some relationships, it is an incredible balancing act and for others it falls into place quicker... My feeling is always try to get to china as much as you can... For some, there is little feeling of security till really together.

Thank you again David, my "voice of reasoning"!

Yes, wish I could say I've been to China more than once. Hope to soon if new job starting tomorrow allows. Doubtful for many months to come. I will heed your advice and perhaps even take as "food for thought" the "always sweet" words from my beautiful SO, who recently said " If there's still something you unhappy, please let me know. I wish you¡¯d cough it up.

God I love this girl!!!!

Thank you again David

[michaelt]

These long distance relationships with someone from a very different culture are hard on both parties. You wonder if they are 'rice worms', as Eunice calls them, and they wonder if you are just looking for a 'holiday wife'. I think both sides need to extend a lot of faith and trust in each other's motive in order to have a chance to make it. Once together, it will play out as it will.

 

Either side can say: "my SO is really wierd".

 

You either decide to roll the dice and go for it or you're better off packing up your marbles and going home. You won't know if it is real until they've had their ten green for a year. Until then, the doubts will be there.

Thank you! What is ten green?

[bosco]

These long distance relationships with someone from a very different culture are hard on both parties. You wonder if they are 'rice worms', as Eunice calls them, and they wonder if you are just looking for a 'holiday wife'. I think both sides need to extend a lot of faith and trust in each other's motive in order to have a chance to make it. Once together, it will play out as it will.

 

Either side can say: "my SO is really wierd".

 

You either decide to roll the dice and go for it or you're better off packing up your marbles and going home. You won't know if it is real until they've had their ten green for a year. Until then, the doubts will be there.

Thank you! What is ten green?

 

Ten Year Green Card

[michaelt]

These long distance relationships with someone from a very different culture are hard on both parties. You wonder if they are 'rice worms', as Eunice calls them, and they wonder if you are just looking for a 'holiday wife'. I think both sides need to extend a lot of faith and trust in each other's motive in order to have a chance to make it. Once together, it will play out as it will.

 

Either side can say: "my SO is really wierd".

 

You either decide to roll the dice and go for it or you're better off packing up your marbles and going home. You won't know if it is real until they've had their ten green for a year. Until then, the doubts will be there.

Thank you! What is ten green?

 

Ten Year Green Card

Thank you

[notrevorich]

 

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

But David, what does that mean? Should he not ask? And, what do you mean by elusive chinese relative truth? Your post is too elusive to understand fully.

I originally met a woman on line that I had developed some strong feelings for and had planned a trip to just see her exclusively -Well I found out that she was on another dating site and a friend of mine had contacted her - she was really still out there window shopping and I was just another guy to her .So I would have wasted 2 weeks of time and probably had a broken heart or worse and maybe have been one of those unlucky guys that have been writing in the endings and goodbye section of CFL

After that wake up call I changed my plan to an interview type of visit when I when to China , Stayed at a hotel -and meant several women-

just happened to meet my wife by a chance encounter- while over there and looking on the internet and talking to strangers .

One thing I did limit myself to was that I only wanted to meet women that were fluent in English .

That probably cut down the eligible possibilities by 90 percent .

I also used common sense and intution - I looked at her home ,her work , her friends and her family .

The Truth is I knew much more about her then she knew about me .

But she knew I was sincere and we had similar goals and have been a good personality match

regardless of everything anyone here says

it's still your decision and your life - and it can be extremely hard to make objective decisions about someone and whether they are sincere if you are head over heels in love

[michaelt]

 

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

But David, what does that mean? Should he not ask? And, what do you mean by elusive chinese relative truth? Your post is too elusive to understand fully.

I originally met a woman on line that I had developed some strong feelings for and had planned a trip to just see her exclusively -Well I found out that she was on another dating site and a friend of mine had contacted her - she was really still out there window shopping and I was just another guy to her .So I would have wasted 2 weeks of time and probably had a broken heart or worse and maybe have been one of those unlucky guys that have been writing in the endings and goodbye section of CFL

After that wake up call I changed my plan to an interview type of visit when I when to China , Stayed at a hotel -and meant several women-

just happened to meet my wife by a chance encounter- while over there and looking on the internet and talking to strangers .

One thing I did limit myself to was that I only wanted to meet women that were fluent in English .

That probably cut down the eligible possibilities by 90 percent .

I also used common sense and intution - I looked at her home ,her work , her friends and her family .

The Truth is I knew much more about her then she knew about me .

But she knew I was sincere and we had similar goals and have been a good personality match

regardless of everything anyone here says

it's still your decision and your life - and it can be extremely hard to make objective decisions about someone and whether they are sincere if you are head over heels in love

Thank you so much for your thoughts and help.

[ameriken]

This turned out to be a great thread. I think there are a lot of excellent suggestions and viewpoints with truthes to both sides of the issue. Yes, there could be honest mistakes and reasons for the 'doubts' we may suspect. On the other hand, those suspicions could yield the truth about something.

 

Micheal is doing and did the right thing. Confront the issue, then take the answers and weigh them against the rest of the relationship, and decide to move forward or not. We cannot write off our doubts as being ridiculous because there could be good reasons for them...yet we cannot let those emotions get carried away to where we make wrong accusations.

 

I think perhaps all of us have had doubts of one sort or another about our SO's, and they us. Assuming both people are truly in love, dealing with those doubts and how we deal with them can surely strengthen the relationship.

Edited May 10, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)