Fiancee still on 2 websites?

[michaelt]

MichaelT, have you had a chance to talk to your SO about this?

No, I have been going back and forth about saying anything. I do not want to offend her, but honestly, I probably would not believe the "right" answer anyway. I'm like that. I've been burned so many times by American girls and not sure a positive answer will put my mind at ease. The language barrier also makes it easier for her to give an acceptable answer...sort of casually dismiss my question or not show any emotion.

[michaelt]

MichaelT, have you had a chance to talk to your SO about this?

Last night I sent her a lengthy e-mail reminding her why I updated my profile as "engaged" and what that means in America. (it's easier to explain more thoroughly important things like this in an e-mail). I also inquired about incoming web cam sounds while we web cam together (at 2:00 am China time) I then asked if she was still on any dating websites? Her answer was "no, I am not on any dating websites, I promise, I am yours only". She thinks the webcam sounds are a bad microphone? (the sound is a distinct telephone ring!) The website has her profile as active, and her last visit was on 05-01-07. I'm gonna sleep on this one. I went to China to meet loyal and honest, because that is hard to find where I live. Do I accept her answer and find out 2 minutes after she becomes a citizen that I was wrong? Right now I don't even feel up to conversing with her.

[ameriken]

Youve got a tough decision. Been there done that......had a similar situation that I called off before I met Jie....with Jie there were no doubts whatsoever and we both agreed to shut off our profiles at the same time. Never had any trouble with 'sketchy' answers or 'dodges'.

 

You gotta be real comfortable with her and your relationship, and all doubts must be brought to the surface and dealt with, or it is sometimes better to move on and find someone where this doesnt occur.

 

Sounds to me like you tried to address it, but her answers still leave room for doubt. Did she respond to what you said about "why I updated my profile as "engaged" and what that means in America."? Both what she says and what she does have to match up, and from what you wrote, it doesnt appear that way. Have you specifically addressed the website she is on that she appears to be logging in to?

 

Personally, I dont feel comfortable with her replies to your questions.

Edited May 5, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)

[michaelt]

Youve got a tough decision. Been there done that......had a similar situation that I called off before I met Jie....with Jie there were no doubts whatsoever and we both agreed to shut off our profiles at the same time. Never had any trouble with 'sketchy' answers or 'dodges'.

 

You gotta be real comfortable with her and your relationship, and all doubts must be brought to the surface and dealt with, or it is sometimes better to move on and find someone where this doesnt occur.

 

Sounds to me like you tried to address it, but her answers still leave room for doubt. Did she respond to what you said about "why I updated my profile as "engaged" and what that means in America."? Both what she says and what she does have to match up, and from what you wrote, it doesnt appear that way. Have you specifically addressed the website she is on that she appears to be logging in to?

 

Personally, I dont feel comfortable with her replies to your questions.

Thank you so much for your reply. Her reply completely denies being subscribed to ANY dating website. I just sent her a very long letter, (a nice letter but basically saying I am not happy if she is still comparison shopping or devising a "backup plan"). I am 100% committed to her, and not doing anything like that. I also included a link to her profile page showing her last visit on the website. I asked her to please, please, please explain what I am missing?...what do I not understand?

We'll see.

Thank you again so much for your thoughts and wisdom.

[david_dawei]

Youve got a tough decision. Been there done that......had a similar situation that I called off before I met Jie....with Jie there were no doubts whatsoever and we both agreed to shut off our profiles at the same time. Never had any trouble with 'sketchy' answers or 'dodges'.

 

You gotta be real comfortable with her and your relationship, and all doubts must be brought to the surface and dealt with, or it is sometimes better to move on and find someone where this doesnt occur.

 

Sounds to me like you tried to address it, but her answers still leave room for doubt. Did she respond to what you said about "why I updated my profile as "engaged" and what that means in America."? Both what she says and what she does have to match up, and from what you wrote, it doesnt appear that way. Have you specifically addressed the website she is on that she appears to be logging in to?

 

Personally, I dont feel comfortable with her replies to your questions.

Thank you so much for your reply. Her reply completely denies being subscribed to ANY dating website. I just sent her a very long letter, (a nice letter but basically saying I am not happy if she is still comparison shopping or devising a "backup plan"). I am 100% committed to her, and not doing anything like that. I also included a link to her profile page showing her last visit on the website. I asked her to please, please, please explain what I am missing?...what do I not understand?

We'll see.

Thank you again so much for your thoughts and wisdom.

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

[Dennis143]

 

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

But David, what does that mean? Should he not ask? And, what do you mean by elusive chinese relative truth? Your post is too elusive to understand fully.

[david_dawei]

 

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

But David, what does that mean? Should he not ask? And, what do you mean by elusive chinese relative truth? Your post is too elusive to understand fully.

Whether he asks or not is his business; whether she answers 'truthful' or not is her business... and maybe her definition.

 

I have not heard her side to suggest whether there is anything to be labeled as right or wrong... Does asking her really solve all problems?

 

For example: Let's say she removes her profile, does that mean she has washed her hands of any possible "Plan B" activity? I think that most would be deceiving themselves to believe that their SOs don't have some sort of Plan B survival mode they are not capable and ready to kick into...

 

Seems that if we don't 'see' it, then we think all is well... So she pulls her profile... the absence of a profile is somehow going to be interpreted as 'now she is serious and committed and trustworthy'?

 

Elusive and relative... we're as guilty in an ignorant way; they are in a more deceptive, yet common sense way.

[michaelt]

 

Just realize that you may be asking her questions which she may not want to answer nor wants to (nor expects to) be asked... Ergo, the elusive chinese relative truth sometimes come forth...

 

Hope it all works out.

But David, what does that mean? Should he not ask? And, what do you mean by elusive chinese relative truth? Your post is too elusive to understand fully.

Whether he asks or not is his business; whether she answers 'truthful' or not is her business... and maybe her definition.

 

I have not heard her side to suggest whether there is anything to be labeled as right or wrong... Does asking her really solve all problems?

 

For example: Let's say she removes her profile, does that mean she has washed her hands of any possible "Plan B" activity? I think that most would be deceiving themselves to believe that their SOs don't have some sort of Plan B survival mode they are not capable and ready to kick into...

 

Seems that if we don't 'see' it, then we think all is well... So she pulls her profile... the absence of a profile is somehow going to be interpreted as 'now she is serious and committed and trustworthy'?

 

Elusive and relative... we're as guilty in an ignorant way; they are in a more deceptive, yet common sense way.

 

Her latest answer states that she is NOT on any dating websites and she does not have any incoming webcam sessions or instant message requests coming in. I can clearly see her profile on a dating website and she last visited this site on May 1 and April 19. She also replied to a friend of mine a couple of days ago on this site, (who has been leary of online dating and wanted to prove something to me), BUT she did say in her reply to him "You are a handsome man, you are a honest man, you are a gentleman. I hope we shall be friends ok? ( because I had meet that special man).

The background noise I have heard a couple of times is clearly incoming chat and webcam requests. It's a very distinctive tone.

Is this what I should expect from her? Is this a Chinese thing? You all know the long journey ahead. I adore this girl and we have shared many wonderful times together. Do I just accept this as a "Chinese thing" and feel comfortable that once she is here, she is loyal to me and all her vows of loving me only, are true, or is this just desperation and the game that is played to get to America? Your opinion is greatly valued and respected here David,and I would be interested in hearing what YOU would do? I love her deeply, but will walk away in a heart-beat if it is all lies. Been there before...I'd rather be single. By the way, I am just getting started with the visa process (Notice of Receipt I-179 from USCIS March 12, 2007)

Thank you so much for taking the time and for sharing your thoughts. I need an objective opinion!

[johnxiaoying]

I think it is safe to say that those of us who are happily married did not have these red flags.

[Urkidding]

I think it is safe to say that those of us who are happily married did not have these red flags.

 

Ditto!

 

In American culture, we flirt, we date, we give a promise ring, we give en engagement ring, and we give a wedding ring. Some of us make have skipped a part here but it is all the same.

 

Long distance romances tend to be a little different in that we all probably relied more on promises and emotions. Since you haven¡¯t had a chance to see each other everyday (In person) we deal more on strong feelings and emotions. We also rely on a trust factor tending to believe what the other person is telling us. I think we all did in this respect.

 

It¡¯s unfortunate that we can¡¯t read minds but then again if we did we would be living in a perfect world.

 

My advice to you is like what I tell people who also have been in similar situations ¨C GO WITH YOUR OWN INSTINCT!

 

If you feel that something is wrong (instinct) and you don¡¯t nip it in the bud then you¡¯re just setting yourself up for a big fall. I think you have done all that I would have done by confronting her verbally and by letter, and by no means is this considered a culture difference, we are all only human and want to know the truth.. Reverse the roles and see what I mean. What if you were still looking on a dating site and kept her on backup plan! I¡¯m not saying this is the case here but reversing the roles and seeing what is happening on the other side of the world may help you and your instincts better.

 

GO WITH YOUR OWN INSTINCT! ¨C You and only you will know if you made the right decision.

[michaelt]

You just better be damn sure about your own strength in this relationship because if you go into it for the long haul you have no way of predicting what curve ball life is going to throw at you even if it is a good relationship. From what I'm reading it doesn't sound too strong. What you going to do when the shit really hits the fan?

write to you?...just kidding. Her latest reply shows remorse for upsetting me, and I think that is a good thing. She needs to know how this affects me and our committment to each other. No admission of web site activity, but I think that is because I have embarrassed her, and I do not want to push it. I think I have made my point to her. I also have two other reasons that prompt me to overlook this a bit....1-life is short..and 2-we make each other very happy. If she needs to do something to make herself more comfortable right now, I will stand by her side. My mission in life now is to make her comfortable when she arrives. She is giving up so much and I am sure she is nervous. I treat her like gold and she would be crazy to leave the home life that I plan to make for her. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

[Dennis143]

You just better be damn sure about your own strength in this relationship because if you go into it for the long haul you have no way of predicting what curve ball life is going to throw at you even if it is a good relationship. From what I'm reading it doesn't sound too strong. What you going to do when the shit really hits the fan?

write to you?...just kidding. Her latest reply shows remorse for upsetting me, and I think that is a good thing. She needs to know how this affects me and our committment to each other. No admission of web site activity, but I think that is because I have embarrassed her, and I do not want to push it. I think I have made my point to her. I also have two other reasons that prompt me to overlook this a bit....1-life is short..and 2-we make each other very happy. If she needs to do something to make herself more comfortable right now, I will stand by her side. My mission in life now is to make her comfortable when she arrives. She is giving up so much and I am sure she is nervous. I treat her like gold and she would be crazy to leave the home life that I plan to make for her. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Good! Go with your instinct and stay with it. Sometimes, you roll the dice and hope you don't crap out. All you have is her word and your gut. So, if it feels good, DO IT!

 

You've called her on it and she is aware. David's comments of Plan B and Seems that if we don't 'see' it, then we think all is well... So she pulls her profile... the absence of a profile is somehow going to be interpreted as 'now she is serious and committed and trustworthy'? needs to be weighed, but only you can decide the weight and merits of her words.

 

So, what choice do you have but to believe, trust and keep the faith that she's the one? What choice do you have other than dumping her and moving on?

 

My only suggestion is to communicate often - webcam often. If she can't or won't make time, I would wonder deeply. Just talk to her and talk often.

Edited May 7, 2007 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[michaelt]

You just better be damn sure about your own strength in this relationship because if you go into it for the long haul you have no way of predicting what curve ball life is going to throw at you even if it is a good relationship. From what I'm reading it doesn't sound too strong. What you going to do when the shit really hits the fan?

write to you?...just kidding. Her latest reply shows remorse for upsetting me, and I think that is a good thing. She needs to know how this affects me and our committment to each other. No admission of web site activity, but I think that is because I have embarrassed her, and I do not want to push it. I think I have made my point to her. I also have two other reasons that prompt me to overlook this a bit....1-life is short..and 2-we make each other very happy. If she needs to do something to make herself more comfortable right now, I will stand by her side. My mission in life now is to make her comfortable when she arrives. She is giving up so much and I am sure she is nervous. I treat her like gold and she would be crazy to leave the home life that I plan to make for her. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Good! Go with your instinct and stay with it. Sometimes, you roll the dice and hope you don't crap out. All you have is her word and your gut. So, if it feels good, DO IT!

 

You've called her on it and she is aware. David's comments of Plan B and Seems that if we don't 'see' it, then we think all is well... So she pulls her profile... the absence of a profile is somehow going to be interpreted as 'now she is serious and committed and trustworthy'? needs to be weighed, but only you can decide the weight and merits of her words.

 

So, what choice do you have but to believe, trust and keep the faith that she's the one? What choice do you have other than dumping her and moving on?

 

My only suggestion is to communicate often - webcam often. If she can't or won't make time, I would wonder deeply. Just talk to her and talk often.

Thank you for your reply. Yesterday we had a very long webcam seesion and she is extremely sorry and had no idea how much it made me unhappy. Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us. She just recently cancelled her subscription and has apologized a million times and I can tell that it shook her up a bit. I do believe her. I think I also must consider that relationships in general are a crap shoot. One never knows, but since this is long distance and such a timely process (the visa) I just wanted to be sure. I am comfortable now and thank you all for your input.

[SheLikesME?]

Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us.

Then maybe that explains a lot. I think most of us here do it on our own or use a lawyer.

 

Sounds like things are good based on your last post. Hope the best for Y'all.

[michaelt]

Her visiting the website was mostly to answer e-mail from the website since we used their "visa service" and that is how they stay in touch with us.

Then maybe that explains a lot. I think most of us here do it on our own or use a lawyer.

 

Sounds like things are good based on your last post. Hope the best for Y'all.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Yes, I feel much better. I could tell that my SO was distraught with upsetting me (and NOT because she blew the green card). I don't think she slept much the night before. I felt awful because it looked like I caused her a great deal of concern. I cherish this girl and never want to do that to her again! (unless she dumps me after she gets her green card...just kidding!)

Thank you again