Have your in-laws lives improved

[Rakkasan]

After reading BuffaloPauls update on how his wife is caring for her mother, I was wondering if the lives of their in-laws have improved financially since their fiance or wives arrived in the US. I ask this because my fiance is always talking about how much she wants to work after she arrives in the US. Financially, I do not need her income and told her she can send as much of it as she likes home to her parents, if she so desires. She has decided to send about half home and keep half for us. If she works at minimum wage here, which averages around $7.00 per hour in my area, she would be sending home around $500.00 US (or 4000 Yuan) every month. Based on average incomes in Nanning which run around 700 Yuan per month this will be a significant boost for her parents and allow them to purchase items that would make their lives easier. With the oldest male child in China traditionally being responsible for taking care of elder parents, this will be of significance for my fiances parents since they only have daughters. My fiance is the oldest daughter and feels that this responsibility for her parents care rests on her shoulders.

 

Does anyone else have this kind of financial arrangement with their wife or fiance?

 

How have the parents responded?

 

Have you noticed the parents living a better, less stressful life with the additional income?

 

My fiances father works for a school district outside of Nanning and loves Chinese history. This income would allow him to travel to see the Great Wall and other sites that he has thus far been unable to see.

 

MODS...This can be moved to another forum if you so desire. I didn't know if this should be an "Our Stories" or if it is cultural. TC is alway my default Forum

Edited December 11, 2006 by Rakkasan (see edit history)

[ameriken]

We dont have a financial arrangement per se, but we do send money when we can, which has helped them. But, what her parents have told her, is they are not spending the money, but rather put it into savings for her for our future.

 

The bigger impact I have seen on her parents is an improved attitude. My wife tells them that it is I who suggested we send them money (which is true) and that has helped them to feel better about me/us, and they are happier and more at peace about our marriage than they were when they first learned that their daughter has met an older foreigner whom she would marry and move to America.

 

Further, we are considering purchasing a house in Shanghai, and want her parents to live there, and since it will have more room, it will give us a place to stay when we visit. This also has helped them feel better about the whole situation.

 

So, the money has had more of a twofold effect.

[tonado]

My in-laws immigrated to USA this Summer. They are living at my wife's sister place. Twice, the mom stayed at our place. Their lives are not better. They have to work here (in China, they didn't).

[yuehan123]

My in-laws' lives have not significantly changed monetarily. Their income is the same as before minus the money my wife gave her mom every month. I can tell you that my wife will not take our money to send to China, nor will she spend very much of our money here in the US on herself. She wants her own money, that is, money she earned, by herself. Then, she will help her parents as her income permits.

 

In fact, the parents are afraid that if they receive money from us that it could lead to problems between my wife and I and that I would send her back to China. Careful, it's their belief. It is neither mine nor my wife's.

[Guest Duke]

My in-laws' lives have not significantly changed monetarily. Their income is the same as before minus the money my wife gave her mom every month. I can tell you that my wife will not take our money to send to China, nor will she spend very much of our money here in the US on herself. She wants her own money, that is, money she earned, by herself. Then, she will help her parents as her income permits.

 

In fact, the parents are afraid that if they receive money from us that it could lead to problems between my wife and I and that I would send her back to China. Careful, it's their belief. It is neither mine nor my wife's.

 

I sent money to my wife while she waited in China but her family does fine on their own. They have no need for money from us.

[SirLancelot]

My in-laws' lives have not significantly changed monetarily. Their income is the same as before minus the money my wife gave her mom every month. I can tell you that my wife will not take our money to send to China, nor will she spend very much of our money here in the US on herself. She wants her own money, that is, money she earned, by herself. Then, she will help her parents as her income permits.

 

In fact, the parents are afraid that if they receive money from us that it could lead to problems between my wife and I and that I would send her back to China. Careful, it's their belief. It is neither mine nor my wife's.

 

I sent money to my wife while she waited in China but her family does fine on their own. They have no need for money from us.

 

Unless you marry the absolute poorest of the poor from China, no family "needs" money from their children. But culturally, it's a HUGE thing if the children send money to offer financial support for their parents. It isn't so much that the parents will use the money or need the money, but it is bragging rights to the neighbors and friends that their children is doing so well and can send so much money to the parents. It's HUGE! Do NOT underestimate this culturally. In the US, it's not normal and it's certainly not expected--but probably appreciated by the parents--but in China it is almost culturally expected.

 

What Rak's wife is doing is very appropriate and will be greatly appreciated by her parents. Her parents most likely don't "need" her money for their day to day living. As Amerikan suggests, most likely her parents will just be saving the money she sends and not be spending it. I think only after many years of her marriage working out, and until they feel very secure in their daughter's future financial security, they will be saving the money she sends just in case she will ever need it again in the future. It would be very uncharacteristic of older Chinese parents to spend their children's money unless absolutely necessary. They will just save the money.

 

A suggestion to all. If you truly want the in-laws to improve their standard of living, you or your SO needs to buy things or service items for them, instead of giving them money. If you give them money, they will simply save it. If you actually buy them tangible things or pay for their subscription or monthly service fee for something, then they'll actually be forced to use it and will have a better standard of living.

 

Example would include buying a big TV, a car, or a house. Examples of service subscriptions would be paying for their cell phone bill or satellite cable subscription fees. Otherwise, they simply won't buy or pay for these things/services themselves to enjoy. Chinese people generally are quite frugal and do NOT spend on themselves. They may care about saving face and spending lavishly on others to impress them, but they will not spend much on themselves. You'll need to spend on them to help them live a better life.

[skibum]

As the in-laws don't need money that is not the reason their lives improved. Rather it is the fact that my wife now has the life she wanted eventhough wages were she used to work have gone up alot.

What really helped them it seems was getting her out of the house so they did not have people talking about how sad they were that their 30 yo could not get married. We have encouraged them more to travel and that seems to have been a big factor in their new found happiness.

[Joanne]

My in-laws' lives have not significantly changed monetarily. Their income is the same as before minus the money my wife gave her mom every month. I can tell you that my wife will not take our money to send to China, nor will she spend very much of our money here in the US on herself. She wants her own money, that is, money she earned, by herself. Then, she will help her parents as her income permits.

 

In fact, the parents are afraid that if they receive money from us that it could lead to problems between my wife and I and that I would send her back to China. Careful, it's their belief. It is neither mine nor my wife's.

 

I sent money to my wife while she waited in China but her family does fine on their own. They have no need for money from us.

 

Unless you marry the absolute poorest of the poor from China, no family "needs" money from their children. But culturally, it's a HUGE thing if the children send money to offer financial support for their parents. It isn't so much that the parents will use the money or need the money, but it is bragging rights to the neighbors and friends that their children is doing so well and can send so much money to the parents. It's HUGE! Do NOT underestimate this culturally. In the US, it's not normal and it's certainly not expected--but probably appreciated by the parents--but in China it is almost culturally expected.

 

What Rak's wife is doing is very appropriate and will be greatly appreciated by her parents. Her parents most likely don't "need" her money for their day to day living. As Amerikan suggests, most likely her parents will just be saving the money she sends and not be spending it. I think only after many years of her marriage working out, and until they feel very secure in their daughter's future financial security, they will be saving the money she sends just in case she will ever need it again in the future. It would be very uncharacteristic of older Chinese parents to spend their children's money unless absolutely necessary. They will just save the money.

 

A suggestion to all. If you truly want the in-laws to improve their standard of living, you or your SO needs to buy things or service items for them, instead of giving them money. If you give them money, they will simply save it. If you actually buy them tangible things or pay for their subscription or monthly service fee for something, then they'll actually be forced to use it and will have a better standard of living.

 

Example would include buying a big TV, a car, or a house. Examples of service subscriptions would be paying for their cell phone bill or satellite cable subscription fees. Otherwise, they simply won't buy or pay for these things/services themselves to enjoy. Chinese people generally are quite frugal and do NOT spend on themselves. They may care about saving face and spending lavishly on others to impress them, but they will not spend much on themselves. You'll need to spend on them to help them live a better life.

 

You expressed my mind better. And make me feel better.

 

Seeing that my parents don't need our money (but they do live frugal despite the financial security they already have), my husband always think of my wanting to provide quite silly. However, we always pay for my parents travel when there is a chance. We always take care of the bills when we do things together. SL's post let me understand it is the best way to help. You are right, whenever we give them money, they always saved for us.

[lili58]

Family is very important in chinese culture. A daughter can not be happy if the parents are living in not-so-well condition, even if she is living happy life with her husband. It's better to help the parents, so that she can be happy and will not have things to worry about.

[jbray]

We are stashing away about $300 a month for my mother-in-law. We are going to be taking that to China with us in April. Her mother doesn't need it, and won't spend it. I think it's more for our peace of mind, knowing that she has money if she needs it. Her mother is middle class and doesn't need anything. If she bought her something electrical, she probably wouldn't use it (save electrocity). She doesn't have many bills to speak of... At least in my wife's family, it's all SAVE SAVE SAVE... So, no matter what we did, her mother's life wouldn't change.

[SmilingAsia]

Rakkasan, you are a very generous son-in-law to be.

Giving the in-laws $500 per month would be a financial burden for an average family.

My parents have 6 children (3 sons, 3 daughters), 5 of them are well being. Everybody only gives my parents a few hundred $$ each year. The eldest son, youngest son, the eldest daughter(me), the youngest daughter shoulder their medical expenses.

Edited December 13, 2006 by SmilingAsia (see edit history)

[Tony_onrock]

I actually just found out that my wife has been taking my money to send to her parents in CA. She took care of the money all along and I recently looked at my statements, about U.S.50k has been siphoned off. Not sure what to do. Her dad is the only one working and got two more years before retirement. Wish that she had told me before hand.

[SirLancelot]

I actually just found out that my wife has been taking my money to send to her parents in CA. She took care of the money all along and I recently looked at my statements, about U.S.50k has been siphoned off. Not sure what to do. Her dad is the only one working and got two more years before retirement. Wish that she had told me before hand.

 

Tony, does your wife work? Or is she a stay-at-home mom? That is pretty brazen of her to send money without even discussing it with you.

[hakkamike]

After reading BuffaloPauls update on how his wife is caring for her mother, I was wondering if the lives of their in-laws have improved financially since their fiance or wives arrived in the US. I ask this because my fiance is always talking about how much she wants to work after she arrives in the US. Financially, I do not need her income and told her she can send as much of it as she likes home to her parents, if she so desires. She has decided to send about half home and keep half for us. If she works at minimum wage here, which averages around $7.00 per hour in my area, she would be sending home around $500.00 US (or 4000 Yuan) every month. Based on average incomes in Nanning which run around 700 Yuan per month this will be a significant boost for her parents and allow them to purchase items that would make their lives easier. With the oldest male child in China traditionally being responsible for taking care of elder parents, this will be of significance for my fiances parents since they only have daughters. My fiance is the oldest daughter and feels that this responsibility for her parents care rests on her shoulders.

 

Does anyone else have this kind of financial arrangement with their wife or fiance?

 

How have the parents responded?

 

Have you noticed the parents living a better, less stressful life with the additional income?

 

My fiances father works for a school district outside of Nanning and loves Chinese history. This income would allow him to travel to see the Great Wall and other sites that he has thus far been unable to see.

 

MODS...This can be moved to another forum if you so desire. I didn't know if this should be an "Our Stories" or if it is cultural. TC is alway my default Forum

 

 

My inlaws are very well off, they dont need my money, I need some of theirs

[woainilin]

My in-laws' lives have not significantly changed monetarily. Their income is the same as before minus the money my wife gave her mom every month. I can tell you that my wife will not take our money to send to China, nor will she spend very much of our money here in the US on herself. She wants her own money, that is, money she earned, by herself. Then, she will help her parents as her income permits.

 

In fact, the parents are afraid that if they receive money from us that it could lead to problems between my wife and I and that I would send her back to China. Careful, it's their belief. It is neither mine nor my wife's.

 

I sent money to my wife while she waited in China but her family does fine on their own. They have no need for money from us.

 

My situation is the same as Dukes. Lin's family is always asking Lin if we need any money because Lin is not working. Not only his parents but the uncles too. We have never needed anything and I hope that gives them more confidence that Lin is fine in the US working or not.