Greatest Fear about bringing chinese wife to America

[kangjie]

I have this weird feeling about extracting my future wife from China to the USA.

 

In my time in shenzhen I was so impressed how civil and safe it was for the chinese people there.Even though these people are under stress for the most part(and have some governmental issues). Overcrowding,smog,traffic,work long hours, tons of people,beggars,bad water, you still seem to be able to walk around in the middle of the night and see people ball room dancing at the park and her little neice talking running around loose and nobody is scared for her safety and they are very comfortable being social and not as isolated or aloof like americans.

 

Even when she was barqueing with the taxi driver or vendor I just had the feeling that she fit so seemlessly in that culture. Like just another goldfish in a huge goldfish bowl. Like that is where God meant her to be. She is also so close to her sisters faimly and her own parents. I think her parents want her to get married as much as she does. She is 35 so she can make her own decisions and I have gone to great lengths to explain the reality of the USA and all of its many faults. Still it bothers me most of all. I live slightly in the counry outside a major city without many chinese people. I have been trying to come up with a plan to socialize her when she is here.

I feel like I'm adopting a child in a way rather than marrying a wife because she is so dependent on me for lanquage and culture(as I was on her when I was in China).

I would like to hear other peoples concerns and any chinese spouses opinions on how they dealt with the change

[michaln]

Hello Kangjie

my wife is not here yet but if everything goes well she will be here soon

I have just about the same concerns as you .I wonder about homesickness

my wifes whole extended family is very social spending weekends together I think she will miss these gatherings also when I read the newspapers it seems they only report on crimes and negative stories I wonder if this will worry her . what about allergies to any medications or foods

I also live in a fairly small town until recently I thought we had very few if any Chinese people living in this area then I met a man who immigrated here 25 years ago he and his wife have offered to help in any way they can even though my wife speaks good English they say many things are better understood if explained in Chinese as opposed to English .they informed me that we have what they called a Chinese church here with a large following so you may be surprised my wife has some family in a large city 3 hours from here I am sure we will be visiting and shopping there often she is also teaching her parents to use the video chat which will save on the phone bill too I will use all the tips I find on candle for love and do what I can before she arrives and the rest we will deal with together when she gets here

good luck in your journey

[tonado]

Luckily we live 30 miles from Boston Chinatown. My wife takes Chinese medicine instead of western medicine. If we live too far from Chinatown, then she will have a hard time adjusting in USA.

[jim_julian]

I think not having a big family around can be a problem.

 

I come from a small family, just my sister and me. I made it a point to take a trip to visit my sister and family just a few months after Lao Po arrived. Sister is in the Chicago area and we are in the LA area so it's not a casual trip. I found it to be very worth while.

 

It's also very clear that CFL friends help. Lao Po has met NingNing of Phil&NingNing, Joanna of Jason & Joanna, Dani of Mark&Dani, Leqin of Dennis143, and Jennifer of Feathers. They call each other every now and then and I think it helps.

 

Also keeping Lao Po active ... don't just let her sit around the home. My Lao Po goes to ESL classes 4 mornings a week. She has even made a friend there that she visits and goes shopping with. The class is all Hispanic so it took a while for things to get rolling but now she fits in quite well.

 

My final point is to have a low/no cost way for her to call China whenever she wants and not worry about cost. We use Skype but others here have had other alternatives.

 

I think half of the solution is just to be aware and sensitive to potential issues and work to establish the best possible environment.

[skibum]

Don't be too worried about having Chinese around as she can always make friends with Americans. My wife's introduction went very smoothly as she slipped into the community here. The first 6 months were spent traveling, riding the bikes and climbing mountains.

I guess some SO's have had trouble but not mine.

[Feathers268]

Your concern is valid, but don't let it consume you. Yes, things here are going to be quite different and at first, she will be homesick and seem lost in a strange new world. If you truly have a good relationship she will do fine. Don't under-estimate her strength. Find things for her to do and things to show her about your home but also allow her to discover things she can learn to value about her new home.

If you didn't find this thread, check out Americanization. I wrote this on the observations of Jen's transformation into accepting American culture after being here for the past year.

Remember, you are not abducting her. She has made a choice to come here to be with you. Also, don't sell America short. Yes, we do have our faults, but so does China. And equally, we have a lot good here as well.

[ameriken]

We are not in the country, but I think some of the same rules apply...

 

I think first and foremost, is stay by her side as much as possible. Take her places, show her around, and if the city nearby has Asian markets, dont hesitate to take her there and let her wander.

 

Perhaps consider getting some Chinese tv channels on your cable or dish. Dish network has a 'China Wall' package of 17 channels. This gave her a taste of home as it allowed her to watch some of the same stations in Chinese that she watched in China.

 

Take her out to different places new and exciting. Show her the area, surroundings, sites, city, country, etc

 

Allow her to call home often and talk to family.

 

Find a community college or other school that offers ESL. She may or may not meet some other Chinese, but even if she doesnt, she at least will have some comfort knowing other people who are in a similar situation as she is, or at least who suffer the same language barrier.

 

Dont keep her from the finances. Let her share in every part of your life, including money. Keeping this from her will feel controlling and add to the lonliness, as well as hurt the relationship.

 

Dont contain her: this is perhaps one of the worst things you can do to her. Being at home alone all day can lead to homesickness, sadness, etc. Maybe she can 'work' somewhere where the owners understand her predicament and legal status. Find some kind of church, association, etc that has a Chinese membership, as well as a way for her to travel there if you cannot take her yourself.

 

I think your concern is perhaps your greatest asset. Show her your concern, stay by her side as often as possible, anticipate what she may want/need. Perhaps one of the best things you can do: simply ask her what can you do to make her more comfortable. Ask and ask often......she will likely tell you......

 

And finally...be patient and understanding with her. I dont know if these helped, but I hope there is something that will be of benefit to you! Good luck !

Edited December 9, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[izus]

she comes over for you not for the reason of living in the US

she knows the consequences.

 

there will be rough times ofcourse but dont let her sweet demeanor fool you.

from my understanding from this website and from my own experiences with my wife, your chinese girl is tough like nails, she'll be fine, providing you show her the comfort you need to as a husband.

[kangjie]

she comes over for you not for the reason of living in the US

she knows the consequences.

 

there will be rough times ofcourse but dont let her sweet demeanor fool you.

from my understanding from this website and from my own experiences with my wife, your chinese girl is tough like nails, she'll be fine, providing you show her the comfort you need to as a husband.

 

I'm checking in on the ESL class and chinese church(good ideas all). I have talked to a girl from Taiwan who said many churchs have international classes. My future wife is not releigous as far as I can tell. This may just be from the Culture and not from personal choice.

 

I have no doubt she is tough as nails but I want to socialize her for my own selfish reasons as well. If we had children and I passed away in the future years I would want her to make it on her own and be safe. She can stay at home and I think she would not mind this as she has said as much. I just think she will feel more comfortable if she has somebody besides me to interact with(coworkers). I have thought about approaching a small buisness down the street.(A place that does nails) and offerring to pay her first couple of weeks salary out of my pocket for her to get a job there. She could always just use this as a job reference later.

I can tell many of you have thought about this a lot as well. I will read the americanization thread asap and check out thus skype thing(sounds cool). Thanks

I have access to CCTV channel 9 and like this a lot. Getting the other channels is a great idea.

Edited December 9, 2006 by kangjie (see edit history)

[hakkamike]

she comes over for you not for the reason of living in the US

she knows the consequences.

 

there will be rough times ofcourse but dont let her sweet demeanor fool you.

from my understanding from this website and from my own experiences with my wife, your chinese girl is tough like nails, she'll be fine, providing you show her the comfort you need to as a husband.

 

I'm checking in on the ESL class and chinese church(good ideas all). I have talked to a girl from Taiwan who said many churchs have international classes. My future wife is not releigous as far as I can tell. This may just be from the Culture and not from personal choice.

 

I have no doubt she is tough as nails but I want to socialize her for my own selfish reasons as well. If we had children and I passed away in the future years I would want her to make it on her own and be safe. She can stay at home and I think she would not mind this as she has said as much. I just think she will feel more comfortable if she has somebody besides me to interact with(coworkers). I have thought about approaching a small buisness down the street.(A place that does nails) and offerring to pay her first couple of weeks salary out of my pocket for her to get a job there. She could always just use this as a job reference later.

I can tell many of you have thought about this a lot as well. I will read the americanization thread asap and check out thus skype thing(sounds cool). Thanks

I have access to CCTV channel 9 and like this a lot. Getting the other channels is a great idea.

 

Think twice before you let your wife do the nail thing:

 

Manicurists routinely handle solvents, chemicals, solutions, and glues. Many of these chemicals are irritants and can cause allergic reactions or affect the central nervous system. Like some other employees who work with chemicals or around dust for a living, many manicurists report nagging problems such as headaches, asthma, chronic cough, dermatitis, runny or dry nose, and fatigue or depression.

 

Two chemicals are believed to be the principal culprits behind many of the health problems: methyl methacrylate liquid monomers (MMA) and ethyl methacrylate (EMA). Both chemicals can trigger asthma, contact dermatitis, and allergies of the eyes and nose, according to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH).

[Dennis143]

Kangjie, As Jim mentioned, most all Candle members wives would gladly make themselves available to your wife. There's a great support group here who are willing to exchange phone numbers. Let us know when she arrives, so that I can put her in touch with my wife.

 

Also, one of our Candle member's (Ty99) wife wrote a book, in Chinese, about her transistion here in America. You might want to get a copy and have available for her to read.

[RJZ+JCW]

I had a few fears before my wife arrived here nearly a year ago. However, like her taste in food and her cooking, she has shown to be somewhat "westernized" before she came here. I was expecting she would desire to live near Chinatown, have Mainland born friends, etc. I never noticed any desire or previous personality traits that showed she would take so well to western life, but my wife already knew english very well and worked for foreign companies and travlled to Europe many times. Now, we live far from downtown, away from REAL Chinese influences like Chinatown, she works at a local grocery store and even though she dislikes the pay, which is similar to her pay in China, she prefers to immerse herself in American culture, local culture and learn, learn and learn some more.

 

My opinion is that anytime a outsider takes up home in a new country, they really should do their best to assimilate. Trying to find groups of peers from home is good for support, but it really is best that a foreigner comes up to speed in their new home country ASAP. I mean, if you shelter someone because they are from China, you can basically guarantee that anytime they go outside of their "safety zone" they will always feel like an outsider. You know they/both of you can always go back to China to visit or live and be "Chinese" again, but it's best to get to be comfortable and feel free in your new home. My wife's good friend here is from BJ, married and came to USA about 9 years ago. Currently her English is still not good, but she does her best and lives life like a normal American with a slight communcation handicap. She doesn't require anything special, and I get no sense that she feels out of place. I think her husband never tried to accomodate any "special" needs. She is very happy, and they go back to China often so I think everything is in balance.

 

For my wife and I, we don't plan on going back to China soon, or often if we do go. I guess what I am trying to say is don't worry too much. I wouldn't go making big changes in your current lifestyle or try to relocate near a Chinatown. I know ALOT of Chinese/Taiwanese since I work in a China/US company and none of the Chinese/Taiwanese that have made USA their home require anything more than a Ranch 99 Supermarket. Basically if your wife can get the foods she prefers, she should be fine. I would live in China for my job, but the food in China sucks (IMO) and it is darn near impossible to get good food (again, IMO). Food goes a long way to helping the transition, in fact it is probably as important as your relationship.

[tonado]

she comes over for you not for the reason of living in the US

she knows the consequences.

 

there will be rough times ofcourse but dont let her sweet demeanor fool you.

from my understanding from this website and from my own experiences with my wife, your chinese girl is tough like nails, she'll be fine, providing you show her the comfort you need to as a husband.

 

I'm checking in on the ESL class and chinese church(good ideas all). I have talked to a girl from Taiwan who said many churchs have international classes. My future wife is not releigous as far as I can tell. This may just be from the Culture and not from personal choice.

 

I have no doubt she is tough as nails but I want to socialize her for my own selfish reasons as well. If we had children and I passed away in the future years I would want her to make it on her own and be safe. She can stay at home and I think she would not mind this as she has said as much. I just think she will feel more comfortable if she has somebody besides me to interact with(coworkers). I have thought about approaching a small buisness down the street.(A place that does nails) and offerring to pay her first couple of weeks salary out of my pocket for her to get a job there. She could always just use this as a job reference later.

I can tell many of you have thought about this a lot as well. I will read the americanization thread asap and check out thus skype thing(sounds cool). Thanks

I have access to CCTV channel 9 and like this a lot. Getting the other channels is a great idea.

 

Think twice before you let your wife do the nail thing:

 

Manicurists routinely handle solvents, chemicals, solutions, and glues. Many of these chemicals are irritants and can cause allergic reactions or affect the central nervous system. Like some other employees who work with chemicals or around dust for a living, many manicurists report nagging problems such as headaches, asthma, chronic cough, dermatitis, runny or dry nose, and fatigue or depression.

 

Two chemicals are believed to be the principal culprits behind many of the health problems: methyl methacrylate liquid monomers (MMA) and ethyl methacrylate (EMA). Both chemicals can trigger asthma, contact dermatitis, and allergies of the eyes and nose, according to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH).

 

Very true. I don't want my wife to do nails. Too dirty.

[david_dawei]

You have to really know her well to anticipate all that she'll go through and what works best for her.. probably is, you won't know her well enough for about a year after she's here.

 

She is leaving alot behind and homesickness, sadness or anxiety are possible; but she knows what she is leaving and why; if it were not for you, it would be another man. So she will probably be tougher than expected, but again her temperment drives this alot.

 

I like what Ken said.. be as available to her as possible, particularly in the beginning till she establishes friends and work, or if your in an isolated area. THey are used to being around lots and lots of people all the time; as well, they are used to contributing towards their own needs and ends (self capable and self-sufficient).

 

You need to figure out how to let that continue somehow. I'd also suggest you always let her have money available so she never really needs to ask for some.

[C4Racer]

she comes over for you not for the reason of living in the US

she knows the consequences.

 

there will be rough times ofcourse but dont let her sweet demeanor fool you.

from my understanding from this website and from my own experiences with my wife, your chinese girl is tough like nails, she'll be fine, providing you show her the comfort you need to as a husband.

 

I'm checking in on the ESL class and chinese church(good ideas all). I have talked to a girl from Taiwan who said many churchs have international classes. My future wife is not releigous as far as I can tell. This may just be from the Culture and not from personal choice.

 

I have no doubt she is tough as nails but I want to socialize her for my own selfish reasons as well. If we had children and I passed away in the future years I would want her to make it on her own and be safe. She can stay at home and I think she would not mind this as she has said as much. I just think she will feel more comfortable if she has somebody besides me to interact with(coworkers). I have thought about approaching a small buisness down the street.(A place that does nails) and offerring to pay her first couple of weeks salary out of my pocket for her to get a job there. She could always just use this as a job reference later.

I can tell many of you have thought about this a lot as well. I will read the americanization thread asap and check out thus skype thing(sounds cool). Thanks

I have access to CCTV channel 9 and like this a lot. Getting the other channels is a great idea.

 

Think twice before you let your wife do the nail thing:

 

Manicurists routinely handle solvents, chemicals, solutions, and glues. Many of these chemicals are irritants and can cause allergic reactions or affect the central nervous system. Like some other employees who work with chemicals or around dust for a living, many manicurists report nagging problems such as headaches, asthma, chronic cough, dermatitis, runny or dry nose, and fatigue or depression.

 

Two chemicals are believed to be the principal culprits behind many of the health problems: methyl methacrylate liquid monomers (MMA) and ethyl methacrylate (EMA). Both chemicals can trigger asthma, contact dermatitis, and allergies of the eyes and nose, according to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH).

 

Very true. I don't want my wife to do nails. Too dirty.

 

I do agree with the nails, but for my wife it is a necessary evil. She is going to school for Facial and Nail Technology. She did both facial and pedicures in China. To be licenced here in Oregon to do the same, she needs Nail Licence to be able to do a pedicure. Once she is working for a salon, she will probably not do nails. Besides, nail salons are a dime a dozen. Her true ability will be in facials and pedicures. She wants to own her own salon one day. I see this as strong possibilty. The ladies who have experience in doing facials in China are way beyond their peers here in technique.