Chinese ideas of the good wife

[Feathers268]

With the fear that this post would be lost in another thread gone far off course, I pulled it to start here. To understand a little about who the person I was talking to, when I first traveled to China, it was his family Jen was staying at. Though his kindness and ability to speak English made me feel at home in a far away land and was very instumental in setting the environment to which Jen and I started our real relationship and is a very big part in the fact that we are together today. In fact though our relation is loosly though marriage of 2 cousins, I think of him very much as family. And, it was him who asked me to give Jen her American name that first time I was in China.

 

I had a conversation about this when in China with the husband of Jen's cousin. Seems he was a bit alarmed about how I was treating Jen as a partner rather than her master and giving her freedoms that are not good in his eyes as a Chinese wife.

 

1, Budgeting for trips to China was too expensive and I should have not allowed Jen to travel to China.

 

2, I should take more charge of our marriage dictating every part of what Jen does.

 

3, It is not a good idea to allow Jen to meet and become friends with other Chinese here as it would lead to her not learning English and assimilating into America.

 

4, Reguardless of expense, I should demand that we have a baby right away as this will change Jen's attitudes about many things.

 

5, Taking care of me when I am sick or injured should not be looked at as her caring for me out of love but is rather her duty as a wife.

 

6, Jen should be my subordinate not my partner.

 

7, We would have a much better chance of making it by starting our own business in China rather than staying in the United States.

 

My response was to agree with him by politley nodding my head rather than arguing about the differences in an American marriage. Will Jen and I make any changes? Naw, we seem fine as is.

[jim_julian]

Jim ... interesting. I've seen some similar evidence that this might be the way things are but not quite as direct and comprehensive as your conversation ... I now wait to see what some of our Chinese ladies have to say.

[Carl]

As a whole, all of Ying's family (right on down to husbands of her cousins and brother-in-laws) are impressed on our relationship. They all seem to like the fact I treat Ying as an equal without sacrificing any of the susposed "MALE DOMINANCE."

 

I have also made an impression on many of her female friends to the point that I have become the "standard" by which they will judge their future relationships on.

 

Many of her friends who are single or are currently married to Chinese men are wishing they had an American husband "just like me" and have enlisted Ying to help them find similar men.

 

In truth I am a little uncomfortable with this new found status as the "PERFECT HUSBAND," because I have tried to convince Ying and her friends that I am far from perfect, but only a man trying to do the right thing. It looks like it is that very humility is what they find they most attractive and unique about me.

 

I think they actually like a man who is not afraid to cry, show how much he care with a hug and a kiss, not afraid to say "I LOVE YOU," admit when he is wrong and finally treat her as a full partner and not a piece of property.

 

Overall, all I can say is that we should just be ourselves and let our wives decide what is right and wrong.

[SmilingAsia]

Feathers268, if you do exactly what the cousin's husband has said, you'd be very boring, something I've been fed up for centuries. I'd switch to a more interesting guy, IF I were Jen

[Dennis143]

I have also made an impression on many of her female friends to the point that I have become the "standard" by which they will judge their future relationships on.

 

Many of her friends who are single or are currently married to Chinese men are wishing they had an American husband "just like me" and have enlisted Ying to help them find similar men.

 

In truth I am a little uncomfortable with this new found status as the "PERFECT HUSBAND," because I have tried to convince Ying and her friends that I am far from perfect, but only a man trying to do the right thing. It looks like it is that very humility is what they find they

Dern Carl, so I'm not alone here. JK I knew there are many good husbands here.

 

Yes, talking and comparing husbands seem to be a fact of life with our wives. They will not hesitate to tell other women about their husband's flaws as well as his good qualities.

 

I do believe that us who know we are good husbands and treat our wives as equal partners the word does get out and continues to fuel the fire for other women to seek a west man for a husband, especially, in light of the attitudes that Jim posted of what a Chinese man's views of the marriage relationship are and basically it is called CONTROL.

 

I suppose it would be unfair of us to now characterize all Chinese men/husbands based on the words of this one man who Jim spoke with; however, the list isn't too far off from what my wife has entoned to me also.

[Feathers268]

Feathers268, if you do exactly what the cousin's husband has said, you'd be very boring, something I've been fed up for centuries. I'd switch to a more interesting guy, IF I were Jen

Trust me, that would be the far from my mind on how to handle our relationship. I think in part, he worried because while Jen as tere before and during my time there, her cousin seemed to open up and behave a little more like Jen espesially when it came to shopping. Other threads have been started in the past as to why our wives love us so much and I think this could be a big part.

I think it would be interesting to see if Chinese women are tired of the traditional role, how far will the younger Chinese men be willing to follow suit. Also, what about out female members who married a Chinese man? Do traditional values show up causing friction here in the states? Or, have they possibly found men who are adopting a more modern way of thinking when it comes to marriage?

Dennis, the other interesting part is he is 3 years younger than I so these values seem prevalent right up to the 80's and 90's. I wonder if this is starting to change with China opening up to the west.

Edited November 12, 2006 by Feathers268 (see edit history)

[SmilingAsia]

I think it would be interesting to see if Chinese women are tired of the traditional role, how far will the younger Chinese men be willing to follow suit. Also, what about out female members who married a Chinese man? Do traditional values show up causing friction here in the states? Or, have they possibly found men who are adopting a more modern way of thinking when it comes to marriage?

Every woman has different taste. I've been rebellious.

[Tony_onrock]

Every city is different to some extent in CHina.

Ever heard about how things are in Shanghai these days? Come and take a look. It is just the reverse, husbands are trying to be treated equally. Different generation face different problems. If you are talking to some one over 35, you may see more of the old tradition.

[jemmyell]

A good wife?

 

To have a good wife, be a good husband.

 

-James

[Joanne]

I was not raised in a "Male Dominant" micro-environment, so whatever listed by Jen's relative sounds a little obscure to me. I believe in mutual respect, care and support. However, I would not be so calculated at home or with friends about how much I have done for him or for them and request equal return. It is more of an attitute than quantity of work involved.

[SheLikesME?]

With the fear that this post would be lost in another thread gone far off course, I pulled it to start here.

Well I see it is a new thread now. I almost posted in the other thread.

 

Interesting as my wife and I had a good conversation about our roles the other day. As modern as she is, she seems to want me to be more like those things he said to you. She told me she was thinkiing this both times I was there with her. I found that surprising. So I have been giving this a lot of thought. How to blend these traits with America. I am pretty sure I have resolved some of this. Hard for me to put that in words just yet and also don't know that I want to here. I sure appreciate your post.

 

The more I think about some things she said that surprised me at the time the more I this makes sense.

 

I can be strong about how things are done to protect her and the family. Yet I can love her and give her the things that seemed to make her flip out. I mean she really went into orbit compared to the way I see now that she really is. So my diferences compared to what she is used to, did the trick. But 2 days ago she said she flat ass wants dominance. I never met a woman who can come on so strong about issues. So dominance? Like the buzz of high power lines in the rain, so is this dance.

 

PS: I have posted this before. I had to explain in the taxi on the way to get married that in America a man asks a woman to marry him and the woman answers yes or no. As much as I tried before she would never answer, as we got the single cert for me, and all the other preparations. It was very understood but no words. Knowing how she acted this seemed to be part of the dominance she wanted........just one small example I care to share.

Edited November 14, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

Just to add

 

I recall some time back commenting on mop-slapping verses setting our foot down. It may be in the thread with a questioning title about setting foot down like stepping on a land mine. Anyway I distinctly remember the feeling when I wrote about that and what ever the incidences were that led up to it. I was worried if she would blow up when I did set my foot down. I had already done it, then posted here some time later, because of all the mop-slap talk and training. She did not blow up, by the way.

 

There are definatly roles she wants me to play and that has been a little dificult for me to understand her, from my American experience. The way she comes on so strong, similar to bargaining when out shoping, can still set me on tilt at times. Yet to her there are no hard feelings and she is puzzled by my reactions to her way. She does not know how her way of negotiating is like a bad argument, to me - an American.

 

 

I had a more delicate issue I would like to throw out here, but will wait and see how the thread develops.

 

Doug

Edited November 14, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

PS: I have posted this before. I had to explain in the taxi on the way to get married that in America a man asks a woman to marry him and the woman answers yes or no. As much as I tried before she would never answer, as we got the single cert for me, and all the other preparations. It was very understood but no words. Knowing how she acted this seemed to be part of the dominance she wanted........just one small example I care to share.

I don't put this in the sphere of dominance as much as I would put it in indirect, implied communication (ie: agreement; if she didn't agree, you'd see maybe something different). You were simply supposed to know the answer by her silence and posture.

[SheLikesME?]

PS: I have posted this before. I had to explain in the taxi on the way to get married that in America a man asks a woman to marry him and the woman answers yes or no. As much as I tried before she would never answer, as we got the single cert for me, and all the other preparations. It was very understood but no words. Knowing how she acted this seemed to be part of the dominance she wanted........just one small example I care to share.

I don't put this in the sphere of dominance as much as I would put it in indirect, implied communication (ie: agreement; if she didn't agree, you'd see maybe something different). You were simply supposed to know the answer by her silence and posture.

Dominance is her word, not mine. I agree with what you say above, however I can see how deep this goes with her in other ways. This little example just touches the surface of it. It is a little baffling, to me, that she wants a version of "Hey babe here's the deal, take it or leave it" .............line from Coal Miner's Daughter.

[Feathers268]

PS: I have posted this before. I had to explain in the taxi on the way to get married that in America a man asks a woman to marry him and the woman answers yes or no. As much as I tried before she would never answer, as we got the single cert for me, and all the other preparations. It was very understood but no words. Knowing how she acted this seemed to be part of the dominance she wanted........just one small example I care to share.

I don't put this in the sphere of dominance as much as I would put it in indirect, implied communication (ie: agreement; if she didn't agree, you'd see maybe something different). You were simply supposed to know the answer by her silence and posture.

Dominance is her word, not mine. I agree with what you say above, however I can see how deep this goes with her in other ways. This little example just touches the surface of it. It is a little baffling, to me, that she wants a version of "Hey babe here's the deal, take it or leave it" .............line from Coal Miner's Daughter.

What I can see in her actions is looking for a level of safety. I hope this does't come accross the wrong way, but if the older generations have this structure set up and is what she is used to, to have more say in the relationship could be frightening not knowing exactly what is to be expected being on an equal footing. Being submissive would allow you to make the hard decisions leaving her to safely follow.

In my case, Jen never really knew this type of lifestyle so she just addapted into the relationship we have now. The only guidance I see her seeking from me, is the result in feeling her way though western society. Shoot, we even had a conversation about why she has 2 rings and me only one. She still wonders on engagement, why the man also does't get a ring from the woman.