The good wife...

[Dennis143]

If we married a Chinese lady 100 years ago I'm sure we would find one who follows these antiquated ideas of yesteryear.

 

Yep, and we might be getting toward the end of the visa process about now.

Now THAT is funny, yet sad at the same time, Ron.

[Dennis143]

Problem is A) my time machine is broken and who would really want one like that?

 

hmmm, now that is a very interesting question. Who would want one like that?

 

Yes, some of these are rather silly in a modern world; however having had the alternative before:

 

- Obedience and respect - disobedient and disrespectful

- a code of deference - irreverent

- rules of virtue and responsibility - immoral and irresponsible

- filial piety -

- inner strength - weak

- silent - yacky

- patient - impatient

- sense of restraint - no sense of self-restraint

- promoting harmony - disruptive

- subservient to the male-oriented society

 

Some of the traditional traits are a very welcome change.

[Joanne]

Let me take a look at this list...

 

- Obedience and respect - respect is a must from both husband and wife. Obedience? Are you so sure that your decisions are all correct?

- a code of deference - what's the difference between this and the last line?

- rules of virtue and responsibility - responsibility should be a good virtue for both husband and wife. Unless you assume that women are less responsible. As for rules of virtue, it depends on what are those rules. In some ethnic group in india, as I heard, wife are burned after their husband dies. A traditional Chinese woman will not re-marry. Is this important to you?

- filial piety - This is also depends on standard. According to Chinese code of filial piety, parents should be financially supported by their children and taken care of by their children. (More traditionally, the responsibility are fallen on male children's shoulders). Thus if translate this into practical term, your wife should be servent to your parents. (My parent-in-laws refuse to have me acting that way.)

- inner strength - This is not related to traditional or not.

- silent - you mean not nag? Traditional women, like my mother's mother, nags a lot. But not in front her husband, since they only saw each other at meal times. My grandma brought food to the table and went else where to eat. She was the mother of children, the servent of husband and the sex machine for the husband when he had the needs.

- patient - This is related to tradition, either.

- sense of restraint - This is not related to tradition either

- promoting harmony - Modern wowen are also seeking harmony at home. Except due to the role change, the new balance might be a little more difficult to find.

- subservient to the male-oriented society - After all, may be this is what you want.

 

Edited November 14, 2006 by Joanne (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

I lauged for 10 minutes reading dennis's post.. you bring the opposing alternative into comical perspective...

 

As for joanne.. I see she rates Kung Fu Zi rather harshly... glad the 6th century B.C. man of the hour is not here to hear her critic

[SirLancelot]

Interesting topic since I had a conversation about this when in China with the husband of Jen's cousin. Seems he was a bit alarmed about how I was treating Jen as a partner rather than her master and giving her freedoms that are not good in his eyes as a Chinese wife.

 

 

Feathers, where did this conversation take place, if I may ask? What province? Where is this husband from?

 

You must keep in mind that China is a HUGE country, both geographically and populous. This husband no more speaks for the Chinese populous as someone from Gainesville Kentucky would speak for someone from San Francisco or Manhattan NYC. Or even what a Modesto Californian could speak for a San Franciscan.

 

Let that same husband try to find a Chinese wife in Shanghai or Beijing using what he said to you, and let's see what the results would be.

 

In Confucian times, obedience to the male is paramount. The father is the absolute head of the household and if the father should pass on, then the oldest male child takes over. The mother defers to and obeys the male child, not the other way around. I suppose it's somewhat like the strict, fundamentalist Muslim culture. Of course times have changed, but in the more rural areas of China, these cultural ways still linger, as exemplified by this husband of Jen's cousin.

[Feathers268]

Interesting topic since I had a conversation about this when in China with the husband of Jen's cousin. Seems he was a bit alarmed about how I was treating Jen as a partner rather than her master and giving her freedoms that are not good in his eyes as a Chinese wife.

 

 

Feathers, where did this conversation take place, if I may ask? What province? Where is this husband from?

 

You must keep in mind that China is a HUGE country, both geographically and populous. This husband no more speaks for the Chinese populous as someone from Gainesville Kentucky would speak for someone from San Francisco or Manhattan NYC. Or even what a Modesto Californian could speak for a San Franciscan.

 

Let that same husband try to find a Chinese wife in Shanghai or Beijing using what he said to you, and let's see what the results would be.

 

In Confucian times, obedience to the male is paramount. The father is the absolute head of the household and if the father should pass on, then the oldest male child takes over. The mother defers to and obeys the male child, not the other way around. I suppose it's somewhat like the strict, fundamentalist Muslim culture. Of course times have changed, but in the more rural areas of China, these cultural ways still linger, as exemplified by this husband of Jen's cousin.

Well, we were in Kunshan, a boomtown about 30 miles outside of Shanghai and he grew up in Hangzhou. So not so much out in the sticks for this attitude. As far as his wife, I'd say she is the 2nd most beautiful of the 5 cousins in Jen's family. Jennifer being first of course.

[SirLancelot]

Well, we were in Kunshan, a boomtown about 30 miles outside of Shanghai and he grew up in Hangzhou. So not so much out in the sticks for this attitude. As far as his wife, I'd say she is the 2nd most beautiful of the 5 cousins in Jen's family. Jennifer being first of course.

 

That is very interesting. Considering you said he's younger than you--and you don't look very old from your photos--that's an interesting attitude he has. But I don't think his attitude is truly representative of all--or even most--guys in China. Perhaps he was trying to boast in front of you, to make himself look good. I doubt he has the power to control his wife as he makes himself to look in front of you. I'm sure he gets "mop-slapped" like everyone else on here.

 

It's one thing to talk big in front of another guy, but reality may not be so generous to the talker.

 

As long as you treat your wife kindly, I think everything will be great! Best wishes.

Edited November 15, 2006 by SirLancelot (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

I think a lot of control or dominance goes both ways in China, at times. The taboo against divorce holds strong. Or make a good team even if no love.

 

I knid of keep up with a young girl learning English and all of her friends. Some strong similarities with my wife. Yet through my son we discovered a lot of new thinking young ones. Generally he did not like them. They didn't seem like they would have the commitment he sought.

[NewDay2006]

If we married a Chinese lady 100 years ago I'm sure we would find one who follows these antiquated ideas of yesteryear.

 

Yep, and we might be getting toward the end of the visa process about now.

 

I resemble that remark

[C4Racer]

Interesting topic since I had a conversation about this when in China with the husband of Jen's cousin. Seems he was a bit alarmed about how I was treating Jen as a partner rather than her master and giving her freedoms that are not good in his eyes as a Chinese wife.

 

You must keep in mind that China is a HUGE country, both geographically and populous. This husband no more speaks for the Chinese populous as someone from Gainesville Kentucky would speak for someone from San Francisco or Manhattan NYC. Or even what a Modesto Californian could speak for a San Franciscan.

 

Let that same husband try to find a Chinese wife in Shanghai or Beijing using what he said to you, and let's see what the results would be.

 

In Confucian times, obedience to the male is paramount. The father is the absolute head of the household and if the father should pass on, then the oldest male child takes over. The mother defers to and obeys the male child, not the other way around. I suppose it's somewhat like the strict, fundamentalist Muslim culture. Of course times have changed, but in the more rural areas of China, these cultural ways still linger, as exemplified by this husband of Jen's cousin.

 

This is so true in trying to understand the culture of China. This is why many times we will argue on CFL about an issue and in reality both be right. As far as the women putting up with this old traditional idea of wife. I see it rapidly changing much like it did in the US. They are still behind us in many places distant from the big cities, but soon enough it will spread even to the most remote areas. This intolerance of how Chinese men treat their spouse is why many Chinese women are looking for foreign husbands, regardless of country. My wife didn't care if I was from US, Europe or Austrailia, she just didn't want to be treated like a traditional Chinese wife.

[david_dawei]

Well, we were in Kunshan, a boomtown about 30 miles outside of Shanghai and he grew up in Hangzhou. So not so much out in the sticks for this attitude. As far as his wife, I'd say she is the 2nd most beautiful of the 5 cousins in Jen's family. Jennifer being first of course.

 

That is very interesting. Considering you said he's younger than you--and you don't look very old from your photos--that's an interesting attitude he has. But I don't think his attitude is truly representative of all--or even most--guys in China. Perhaps he was trying to boast in front of you, to make himself look good. I doubt he has the power to control his wife as he makes himself to look in front of you. I'm sure he gets "mop-slapped" like everyone else on here.

 

It's one thing to talk big in front of another guy, but reality may not be so generous to the talker.

 

As long as you treat your wife kindly, I think everything will be great! Best wishes.

And to consider that such boasting and self-assertion is also not very typical.. may explain more about this guy...

[Feathers268]

Well, we were in Kunshan, a boomtown about 30 miles outside of Shanghai and he grew up in Hangzhou. So not so much out in the sticks for this attitude. As far as his wife, I'd say she is the 2nd most beautiful of the 5 cousins in Jen's family. Jennifer being first of course.

 

That is very interesting. Considering you said he's younger than you--and you don't look very old from your photos--that's an interesting attitude he has. But I don't think his attitude is truly representative of all--or even most--guys in China. Perhaps he was trying to boast in front of you, to make himself look good. I doubt he has the power to control his wife as he makes himself to look in front of you. I'm sure he gets "mop-slapped" like everyone else on here.

 

It's one thing to talk big in front of another guy, but reality may not be so generous to the talker.

 

As long as you treat your wife kindly, I think everything will be great! Best wishes.

And to consider that such boasting and self-assertion is also not very typical.. may explain more about this guy...

I don't look at it as this guy boasting at all. When I was talking with him it was out of concern that he was saying what he did. Right before we left for GZ last year his mother, who is living with them, said she was afraid about our marriage because Jen was not mature enough and did not know yet how to be a "good wife". If anything, I'm sure she tells him how a wife is suppoed to behave. As I said before, I owe him a lot. His kindness to both Jen and I helped in a great deal in us getting together long before CFL was even in our picture.

[Rakkasan]

My fiance considers herself a traditional Chinese woman, she believes a marriage is a team effort. She is not doing her job if I am unhappy, and I am not doing my job is she is unhappy. When I was seriously ill she was prepared to move to the US to take care of me and work 2 jobs to pay our bills (not necessary, but I could not get her to understand disability pay), however if she fell ill she would expect me to work and care for her also. She will have input in household decisions, but the final decision is mine and she says she will respect that. This may be hard to adjust to and I am not so hardheaded that I would want absolute rule, but we will adjust and come to an understanding. This is probably why we seemed to be like old friends from the start of our relationship, mutual respect and likemindedness.

[SmilingAsia]

Well, we were in Kunshan, a boomtown about 30 miles outside of Shanghai and he grew up in Hangzhou. So not so much out in the sticks for this attitude. As far as his wife, I'd say she is the 2nd most beautiful of the 5 cousins in Jen's family. Jennifer being first of course.

Is the cousin's husband a successful businessman in China? Otherwise he would not have the courage or confidence to tell a foreigner how to tame his wife.

[march]

what are the traits of traditional american husband? i was wondering