Lasting Love

[Dennis143]

When I posted earlier that this sounded like something right out of COSMO, I was being cute. But, the truth is; it is. One can pick up any copy in any month and you will find the same marriage self-help article written somewhere in it. Certainly, the information provided here is valuable and worthy information, especially for those who need a road map on how to be successful in marriage.

 

Personally, I don¡¯t understand how most of this is not innate in us. Just makes me wonder if couples who don¡¯t already honor, respect, understand and communicate already; how are words on paper going to change that? Does a light bulb suddenly go off and they think Gee, I should start being nice now? Duuhhhh!!! These are not feelings and acts that we just all of a sudden decide at middle age that we are going to start doing. It is like the adage: Happiness is a journey, not a destiny. One needs to carry in their heart each day, each moment honoring, respecting, understanding and communicating with everyone. Can behavior really be changed so radically, especially if rudeness has been ones MO for years? Certainly, this book has helped you in your marriage or you wouldn¡¯t be sharing it here with us. I just wonder if engrained behaviors can so readily be changed.

[Guest Paul]

Now, be careful there ... you just might show the rest of us men up a little Mick - making her bed, well, I do declare!

 

Wheel Man

 

 

 

sounds worthy...

im at the point where i will be my best and do what is need be...

 

 

seems most chinese girls fall under the acts of service

I don't know about most Chinese girls, but acts of service is true in my wife's case. Not that she expects it or demands it, but she sure responds positively to it. For example, each day I come home from work at lunch and make her bed for her. It seems a small thing, but it does light up her eyes, and her heart.

[BillV 8-16-2004]

When I posted earlier that this sounded like something right out of COSMO, I was being cute. But, the truth is; it is. One can pick up any copy in any month and you will find the same marriage self-help article written somewhere in it. Certainly, the information provided here is valuable and worthy information, especially for those who need a road map on how to be successful in marriage.

 

Personally, I don’t understand how most of this is not innate in us. Just makes me wonder if couples who don’t already honor, respect, understand and communicate already; how are words on paper going to change that? Does a light bulb suddenly go off and they think Gee, I should start being nice now? Duuhhhh!!! These are not feelings and acts that we just all of a sudden decide at middle age that we are going to start doing. It is like the adage: Happiness is a journey, not a destiny. One needs to carry in their heart each day, each moment honoring, respecting, understanding and communicating with everyone. Can behavior really be changed so radically, especially if rudeness has been ones MO for years? Certainly, this book has helped you in your marriage or you wouldn’t be sharing it here with us. I just wonder if engrained behaviors can so readily be changed.

 

I had read a previous post by you and your difficulties early on in your relationship and you had mention you and your wife had almost split up and went your separate way. Something must have happened to the both of you that awaken you did a light bulb go off for you? What ‘s your secret to lasting happiness without me going back to your previous post? You seem to be very happy in love today something made the difference. Sometime these are just a reminder of some of the things we need to do to make our relationships work and for those who are in troubling times. I have had some disagreements yes in our relationship, which is normal, but we have been fortunate to have always work though these challenging times like you but not to the point were we considered separation. We have all read the post of so many un-successful marriages here so it can’t hurt us to realize these little things we should do but don’t always practice in our day to day lives. Maybe we should subscribe to Cosmo you sound like your very familiar with this publication.

Edited September 15, 2006 by BillV 8-16-2004 (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

When I posted earlier that this sounded like something right out of COSMO, I was being cute. But, the truth is; it is. One can pick up any copy in any month and you will find the same marriage self-help article written somewhere in it. Certainly, the information provided here is valuable and worthy information, especially for those who need a road map on how to be successful in marriage.

 

Personally, I don’t understand how most of this is not innate in us. Just makes me wonder if couples who don’t already honor, respect, understand and communicate already; how are words on paper going to change that? Does a light bulb suddenly go off and they think Gee, I should start being nice now? Duuhhhh!!! These are not feelings and acts that we just all of a sudden decide at middle age that we are going to start doing. It is like the adage: Happiness is a journey, not a destiny. One needs to carry in their heart each day, each moment honoring, respecting, understanding and communicating with everyone. Can behavior really be changed so radically, especially if rudeness has been ones MO for years? Certainly, this book has helped you in your marriage or you wouldn’t be sharing it here with us. I just wonder if engrained behaviors can so readily be changed.

 

I had read a previous post by you and your difficulties early on in your relationship and you had mention you and your wife had almost split up and went your separate way. Something must have happened to the both of you that awaken you did a light bulb go off for you? What ‘s your secret to lasting happiness without me going back to your previous post? You seem to be very happy in love today something made the difference. Sometime these are just a reminder of some of the things we need to do to make our relationships work and for those who are in troubling times. I have had some disagreements yes in our relationship, which is normal, but we have been fortunate to have always work though these challenging times like you but not to the point were we considered separation. We have all read the post of so many un-successful marriages here so it can’t hurt us to realize these little things we should do but don’t always practice in our day to day lives. Maybe we should subscribe to Cosmo you sound like your very familiar with this publication.

Fair questions deserves an honest answers. Former ex used to subscribe to Cosmo. Actually, it has some very good information. Men can gain a good perspective of what and how women view things be reading it.

 

As far as how Leiqin and I surviving our sometimes bumpy start, I must first understand what were the causes for our misunderstandings. We married quickly. We were two strangers. Here we were married, barely able to communicate and attempting to try to quickly learn to live together. It was a training ground for both of us. Both trying to bend the other to our will. We had our defenses high. Her method was to leave or be silent while mine was to yell and threaten. There were early hurts.

 

We had an initial mutual physical attraction, but more than this we both had something to offer and share with each other. We learned not to fear each other. We learned to trust each other. We learned that if one or the other is upset, it doesn't mean that the love is gone. We reached our comfort level quickly. Maybe, it was her health problems that bonded us. I quickly realized what my life could be, would be, if she were gone. She understood that I would never abandon her and that I will always stand by her.

 

It comes so easy for us now....for once, it is so easy. Our love is comfortable. We have learned to love, to trust and to be kind.

Edited September 16, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

When I first meet my current wife in person, she spoke no english.. and 10 months later for the interview it was not much better; Now we're coming up on our one year of marriage (just to clarify, that's the chinese ceremony anniversary I'm mentioning, not the US marriage--you'd best to figure out which one is more important in her eyes ).

 

But in these first two years of knowing each other, there is no language of love to figure out [for us]... we were either compatible or not; we either understood each other [non-verbally] or not; we either had a sense of dedication and commitment or not. Once we both truly knew that there was no question about our togetherness, there was also less stress about the language and culture gaps.

 

What I do agree with in the spirit of the thread is that for it to continue strong into the future, it takes more than the foundation, structure and roof to make a house... An empty house (empty of belongings or of the people) is empty either way.

[Q&Q]

If there is no trust nor commitment, a relationship would be fragile.

 

 

I totally agree on this.

 

Trust and commitment are foundamental. Without trust and commitment, no matter how "skillful" you are, a relationship won't last long.

[Lowen/Zhang]

In my original post on this I suggested the book as a good read. Most relationships go through a IN LOVE EXPERIENCE where yes these things are practiced in every way. However the author states that this IN LOVE EXPERIENCE lasts for about 2 years and then most, not all, begin to take things for granted or forget what is most important to their SO.

This book has not helped me in my marriage as of yet, as I well begin to be with my wife on a regular basis only in mid October. I will go to China and bring her back to the USA. Our IN LOVE EXPERIENCE is merely words at this point although we have been together and experienced it full force and it will continue when we are together, at last. I just want to be prepared for the taking for granted time and be aware of it.

Again the book was a good read, for me, maybe not for you, and I still suggest it to anyone that might be interested in heading off that taking for granted time that wears on a relationship, no matter how committed or trusting the couple is.

I read where one member ordered the book along with another book by the same author. I hope after he reads he will put in his opinion.

 

When I posted earlier that this sounded like something right out of COSMO, I was being cute. But, the truth is; it is. One can pick up any copy in any month and you will find the same marriage self-help article written somewhere in it. Certainly, the information provided here is valuable and worthy information, especially for those who need a road map on how to be successful in marriage.

 

Personally, I don’t understand how most of this is not innate in us. Just makes me wonder if couples who don’t already honor, respect, understand and communicate already; how are words on paper going to change that? Does a light bulb suddenly go off and they think Gee, I should start being nice now? Duuhhhh!!! These are not feelings and acts that we just all of a sudden decide at middle age that we are going to start doing. It is like the adage: Happiness is a journey, not a destiny. One needs to carry in their heart each day, each moment honoring, respecting, understanding and communicating with everyone. Can behavior really be changed so radically, especially if rudeness has been ones MO for years? Certainly, this book has helped you in your marriage or you wouldn’t be sharing it here with us. I just wonder if engrained behaviors can so readily be changed.

[izus]

When I first meet my current wife in person, she spoke no english.. and 10 months later for the interview it was not much better;

 

we either understood each other [non-verbally] or not;

 

more power to you guys who have non english speaking SOs....

i really dont know how you do it.

[leejcandle]

When I first meet my current wife in person, she spoke no english.. and 10 months later for the interview it was not much better;

 

we either understood each other [non-verbally] or not;

 

more power to you guys who have non english speaking SOs....

i really dont know how you do it.

 

My choice was to begin learning Mandarin (though she speaks mainly Nanning-hua, Guangdong-hua, and 2 other local dialects). My own study, and frustrations, helps me be patient with her progress; we face the same obstacles. We speak both English and Mandarin at home.

 

I'm reading the book. I'm finding some things I'm already doing right, and some areas I need improvement.

[NewDay2006]

.

 

I'm reading the book. I'm finding some things I'm already doing right, and some areas I need improvement.

 

I agree with this statement. I aways thought I did things right, but I have been to divorce court 3 times now, so I would be a big Fat Liar if I said it was all thier fault. But I feel this book will highlight to myself, how important I need to consider what the other person is feeling, instead of how she hurt me or disrespected me. I don't feel the last marriage lasted long enough for us to understand each other, and I won't say more about it . The previous ones were just a matter of everyone wanting to do what they wanted to do and I was no angel....even if I thought I was a good husband.

 

seeing that over 70% of 3rd and 4th marriages fail, you can imagine the "butterflies" or is it

"boulders" I feel in my stomach sometimes. I ask myself what are you doing sometimes .... Then I talk to my lovely wife about it and she never gets angry with my uncertaintity and she reassures me.She does say she wish I woud have more confidence in our relationship, but she understands, because of what I went through.

 

I'm very honest and understanding with her and I feel she is the same with me. Not a day has passed that we have not talked to each other. She has become my rib... but I'm still human and I worry sometimes. I really wish I could visit her again soon... we will see.

[Cerberus]

An Asian woman gave me a book the other day as she knows my wife is coming very soon. She told me she and her American husband read the book and it does help keep love strong. I have read it from beginning to end. Wonderful book and I suggest it to everyone especially us that have been through LOVE before and are starting a new life with someone of a different culture. The name of the book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It teaches how to find your SO's Love Language that will keep Love high in the future.

I have read many posts hear of problems that occur because of misunderstandings and I think this book can help. Many of you have even responded to problems posted with similar tactics described in this book. I plan on reading it again and eventually read it with my wife when her English skills become more proficient. I suggest that everyone take some time and read this book and try practicing some of the ideas. See if they help bridge the barriors of different culture and language.

 

Mike

 

Thanks for the recommendation, I will try to get a copy.

 

You may also want to read the series put out by Dr Gray, "Mars vs Venus." I took a copy once to China with me, at the start of my relationship with Alice. Alice vecame very intersted after she browsed my English copy. She then went to a Chinese bookstore and purchased the entire series. Apparently, the Chinese have had the entire series translated.

[SmilingAsia]

more power to you guys who have non english speaking SOs....

i really dont know how you do it.

Language barrier is fun and interesting sometimes.

My bison still has one dictionary and 2 Chinese books cuz his ex doesn't speak English.

He may think I'm more entertaining but I piss him off easily, without language barrier.

We are separated by a common language English

[Dennis143]

more power to you guys who have non english speaking SOs....

i really dont know how you do it.

Language barrier is fun and interesting sometimes.

My bison still has one dictionary and 2 Chinese books cuz his ex doesn't speak English.

He may think I'm more entertaining but I piss him off easily, without language barrier.

We are separated by a common language English

Yep, sometimes words just get in the way. And more often then not, some things are better left unsaid.