Baby Processing

[Joanne]

I was approaching 40 when we had our daughter. It was never a question whether or not to have this baby. But it has become a question whether or not to have another one.

 

I don't know what it's like to be a young mother. I started to dye my hair after my daughter was born because I didn't want to be mistaken as her grandma. Other than that, I don't feel any different as been an older mom. My energy level might be a little lower, which probably resulted a quieter girl. She is very easy.

 

Raising a child can be stressful for a couple. However it is a rewarding experience if both parents wanted it. If you want to have a child, you will be able to raise him/her (You smilingasia, not just anyone). Your husband might be happy to be the main caretaker of this child, which is not a disadvantage for the child. Scientific study showed that child raised mainly by father tends to develop better.

 

Whatever decision should be based on the relationship between you and your SO, I think.

[SmilingAsia]

One question you need to answer from deep within your heart is "Would this be fair to the child?"

237651[/snapback]

I don't know it's fair to the child or not. Here is my estimation:

 

I. Year 2008: Birth detection while I'm pregnant. If the fetus is abnormal, I need an abortion.

 

II. If the fetus is normal, the baby will come in 2008 or 2009. I'll be pregnant, nursing a baby while adjusting myself to a complete new life and I barely know how to drive on the roads of LA which look like Chinese characters.

When the baby is 2 years old, he'll retire and attend the baby and I'll start to work.

I will be 60 when teaching the kid to drive.

I will be 63 when the kid goes to college. Pretty tough challenge I didn't expect when I started the relationship.

[SmilingAsia]

I am curious as to how old your daughter is and why he does not think of her as his "own".

 

Ying has a son who just turned sixteen the other day and I love him as my own, albeit he is a teenager and drives me $%$#$#@$ crazy from time to time.

237642[/snapback]

My daughter is 19 years old and I'm not planning to bring her with me. She will go to a university in mid China this coming Sept and I want her to finish her education here.

 

My daughter is driving me crazy all the time and my SO has no experience of handling kids.

[Rakkasan]

I think slw268 is right on the mark. I think you have been answering your own question all along. Perhaps your SO would consider adopting a cute Chinese child. There are plenty in foster care throughout China. Adopting a child that is 7 or 8 might be easier to handle. of course it sounds to me like he is now wanting a child to carry on the bloodline which would rule out adoption. Just a thought. I know couples here in town who have adopted 7 or 8 year old children and they have adjusted very well, learned English veyr fast and are perfectly happy here.

[MikeandRong]

One question you need to answer from deep within your heart is "Would this be fair to the child?"

237651[/snapback]

I don't know it's fair to the child or not. Here is my estimation:

 

I. Year 2008: Birth detection while I'm pregnant. If the fetus is abnormal, I need an abortion.

 

II. If the fetus is normal, the baby will come in 2008 or 2009. I'll be pregnant, nursing a baby while adjusting myself to a complete new life and I barely know how to drive on the roads of LA which look like Chinese characters.

When the baby is 2 years old, he'll retire and attend the baby and I'll start to work.

I will be 60 when teaching the kid to drive.

I will be 63 when the kid goes to college. Pretty tough challenge I didn't expect when I started the relationship.

237666[/snapback]

I, and I'm sure many others here at CFL value the many things you have taught us from the Chinese women point of view.

 

You said before you really don't like the phone or web cam, but perhaps this would be a good time to make use of it. Let him know how you really feel, and watch and listen to his reaction.

 

Marriage is a 2 way street of give and take by the both of you. If you both are not on the same page of the book, and both do not want the same things out of your life together, a baby will not make it work.

 

Lee makes some excellent points in post #5. Because a baby is involved, you both MUST consider the future too. What IF something happens to you, can he raise a child by himself and will his health allow this to the full extent it is needed (18+year from now). What IF something happens to him, can you raise the child here, or would you need to return to China.

 

Because a chld is going to be involved, you both really need to talk about these things together. It is no longer what is best for the 2 of you if you have a baby. It becomes what is then best for the child for the next 18+ years.

 

I have a feeling I and the other members here would know what you would tell us if we were to be posting this question to you. Espically since you have told us more of your feelings on the matter now.

 

I wish you the best of luck on which ever path you choose to take.

[paula]

wow, brave woman. I wish I would have a baby with my husband ,but I am too old, so is my husband, and my energy is losing.Maybe I am afraid of taking responsibility. I will only have a baby in my dream

 

admire you dear!!

[SmilingAsia]

I have a feeling I and the other members here would know what you would tell us if we were to be posting this question to you.

237693[/snapback]

If you say "I'm 61 and my SO is 41. We are planning to have a baby" , my comment would be "It sounds pretty tough challenge to me"

[SmilingAsia]

wow, brave woman. I wish I would have a baby with my husband ,but I am too old, so is my husband, and my energy is losing.Maybe I am afraid of taking responsibility. I will only have a baby in my dream  

 

admire you dear!!

237705[/snapback]

I haven't decided yet. This is what I didn't expect from the begining. When dating someone of late 50's or early 60s, I knew I'm too old to have a baby.

I'm confusing from time to time. "You want a baby at this age? Are you out of your fucking mind??" - this is my style 10 years ago, but all these years I have learnt from Cantonese women on how to compromise, and my mother would be the one who supports him and sometimes I think it's a good life style for him to be a baby sitter after he retires .

I still think it funny that we look like grandparents

[SmilingAsia]

I think slw268 is right on the mark.  I think you have been answering your own question all along.  Perhaps your SO would consider adopting a cute Chinese child.  There are plenty in foster care throughout China.  Adopting a child that is 7 or 8 might be easier to handle. of course it sounds to me like he is now wanting a child to carry on the bloodline which would rule out adoption.  Just a thought.  I know couples here in town who have adopted 7 or 8 year old children and they have adjusted very well, learned English veyr fast and are perfectly happy here.

237690[/snapback]

I have noticed that he is not interested in children of someone else. I think he is more Cantonese than American though he has no Asian blood.

I believe he wants a child to carry on his bloodline.

If I were 10 years younger, I'd make a basketball team of babies for him to babysit, or maybe a soccer team

[NewDay2006]

My 2nd wife just had a baby last march. she will be 42 in december.

[SmilingAsia]

You said before you really don't like the phone or web cam, but perhaps this would be a good time to make use of it. Let him know how you really feel, and watch and listen to his reaction.

237693[/snapback]

Well, he has seen me through webcam. "Very sensual" -that's his comment. I seem to be in a better physical and health condition than average Chinese women of my age, due to multi-vitamins and the work of the beauty parlor.

 

How I feel? I think it funny as it reminds me of the story about my customer: This customer of mine, he is in 50s but looks older than his age. His wife is in 30s but looks younger than her age.

When he went out with their baby, people asked whether he is the grandpa . When his wife went out with their baby, people asked whether she is the baby sitter . They both answered yes, which is simpler than explaining

[NewDay2006]

One question you need to answer from deep within your heart is "Would this be fair to the child?"

237651[/snapback]

My wife is 38 and wanted to have a baby. I have told her, it wouldn't be fair to the child because I would be 60(I'll be 49 my next birthday in april) when the baby is 10 and I couldn't do much with the child I would imagine, at least in the sports area. I was think I would be 70 when it was time for college. I made it quite clear how I felt before we got married. In fact I may fix myself before she arrives, so she won't need to worry about taking birth control.

 

I don't feel bad to say no to my wife, because she already has a child that is 14. I already have a 3 chiildren.

 

Smiling Asia, I guess you would need to think about the fact he has never had a child... but did you ever consider adoption? Maybe a child about 2-3 years old?

Just a thought.

Edited August 16, 2006 by NewDay2006 (see edit history)

[Yuanyang]

One question you need to answer from deep within your heart is "Would this be fair to the child?"

237651[/snapback]

My wife is 38 and wanted to have a baby. I have told her, it wouldn't be fair to the child because I would be 60(I'll be 49 my next birthday in april) when the baby is 10 and I couldn't do much with the child I would imagine, at least in the sports area. I was think I would be 70 when it was time for college. I made it quite clear how I felt before we got married. In fact I may fix myself before she arrives, so she won't need to worry about taking birth control.

 

I don't feel bad to say no to my wife, because she already has a child that is 14. I already have a 3 chiildren.

 

Smiling Asia, I guess you would need to think about the fact he has never had a child... but did you ever consider adoption? Maybe a child about 2-3 years old?

Just a thought.

237815[/snapback]

Yeah! What that guy said!

[paula]

my husband married his ex wife, who is an american woman and also 20 years younger than my husband. He married her just because she was pregnant at that time. My husband got his first baby when he was 45. Honestly I aslo admire my husband. I would definitely have no child anymore since I got my son. It is not easy to be parents as you need take so much responsibilities, which you have to take forever untill you pass away. If you never born a child, You need get one. Child can teach and change you a lot.

[SmilingAsia]

Smiling Asia, I guess you would need to think about the fact he has never had a child... but did you ever consider adoption? Maybe a child about 2-3 years old?

Just a thought.

237815[/snapback]

I believe he wants a child to carry on his bloodline.

He is not interested in children of someone else - this is my observation all these months.