Money, and the apparent obsession with it

[bubbafred10]

My SO and I correspond almost every day by email and a few times a week by phone. 

 

Every couple of months, my SO gets together with friends and they gossip.  One of the topics that comes up is mney, and how much each SO receives from their American SO.  In the discussions, it seems that the more they get the better the husband.  I apparently fall in the lower end of this bracket, because I committed to give my SO $150 each month, because they have a job.  Other SO's do not work, and get $250, but I was told many of the SO's get $400, so they are good spouses.  Then I was asked to give more.  I agreed, but I mentioned how unhappy I was (I am pretty pissed, to be honest, but I tempered my reply) that they gossip about money and how much each gets.  I told my SO it was unfair to everyone to have a SO's quality judged by money.  I said that that love and devotion were much more important than money.  To me that couldn't be more true.  I personally hate talking about money.

 

I mean I know that money is a huge factor for an SO to up and leave their homeland to come to the US.  They want to know they will have comfort when they come.

 

I'm nervous about this trend, and wondering if I should be even more concerned than I already am.  Feedback from US and Chinese SO's on this topic would be WONDERFUL.

 

Thanks!

 

AoM

164803[/snapback]

 

My SO never discuss monetary things with her associates or friends. She is independent and make do with her salary. Never used the credit card I gave her. She is mostly interested in the family that we will have in the US. Thank God and Buddha that my laopo is financially responsible.

[Yuanyang]

Same here Fred. Yesterday we had a huge lunch with her work associates and a friends that she has known from her college days. She tells me that she rarely socializes with work friends and keeps her personal business to herself. If she feels the need for advice she'll ask her sisters, brothers or mother.

[notrevorich]

I had to pay for dowry when we got engaged (it is tradition on my side and her side ) but we had a debate about the amount - the 20,000 + RMB shows how much you consider your fiancee. we came to an agreement on the amount 9999 + a nice honeymoon to somewhere exotic.

Yes money is important for couples ( apparently one of the main cause of divorce with adultery ) ,my special one refuse for me to send her regular money - I feel it is my responsability to support her but she 's too damn proud so i had to find excuses to send her money ( travel to beijing for visa and accomodation is very expensive , oh the flight very expensive , blah blah blah ) .

I would personally discuss the fact that she compared your relationship with other relationships - how would she feel if you compared her to other attractive women you meet on a daily basis ?

165271[/snapback]

I gave a dowry of 6633RMB. Some relatives refused to come to the wedding celebration because of the tremendous insult to my mother-in-law because it was so low. Some of them believe because I am American, my underwear must be lined with gold. I paid what I could, and 6633 was a lucky number I was told. Other relatives also received their red envelopes, though a few of them 'returned' the money to us in the form of wedding gifts for us.

 

My wife has been quite the smooth talker over there, I guess, though she informed me when I go over in the Spring, I should be prepared to buy ALOT of cigarettes and alcohol! (lol) It's ironic since I am not a smoker and one beer every six months is about all I will drink...

169664[/snapback]

I gave my mother in law $999 and my two sisters in law $200 each.

 

I was told this was well within custom and everybody was pleased.

 

And I didn't spill the tea.

 

"Returning" money in the form of gifts is common and should

not be taken as an insault.

169666[/snapback]

I must be on another planet here

I have asked My SO as to whether I was to give her parents a dowery

Nope was her answer -

since she was previously married the answer was NO

Now I am giving her MOM some Money as a birthday present -999 RMB

and her Dad 666RMB

We also will be giving them about $1000 each year -but the SO was doing that before I met her .

there is no wedding presents etc

Am I missing something here ?

or is My SOand her family just different ?

[SheLikesME?]

I must be on another planet here 

I have asked My SO as to whether I was to give her parents a dowery

Nope was her answer -

since she was previously married the answer was NO

Now I am giving her MOM some Money as a birthday present -999 RMB

and her Dad 666RMB

We also will be giving them about $1000 each year -but the SO was doing that before I met her .

there is no wedding presents etc

Am I missing something here ?

or is My SOand her family just different ?

Like you nothing. Never heard of a dowry in CHina until CFL.

 

I just mentioned presents for Christmas or the Fall Festival to her parents and brothers and sisters. Nothing.

 

There is one thing I might want to get in America for the little one for Christmas because the quality is better. It is so cheap I never would have considered it a present.

[Yuanyang]

I must be on another planet here?

I have asked My SO as to whether I was to give her parents a dowery

Nope was her answer -

since she was previously married the answer was NO

Now I am giving her MOM some Money as a birthday present -999 RMB

and her Dad 666RMB

We also will be giving them about $1000 each year -but the SO was doing that before I met her .

there is no wedding presents etc

Am I missing something here ?

or is My SOand her family just different ?

Like you nothing. Never heard of a dowry in CHina until CFL.

 

I just mentioned presents for Christmas or the Fall Festival to her parents and brothers and sisters. Nothing.

 

There is one thing I might want to get in America for the little one for Christmas because the quality is better. It is so cheap I never would have considered it a present.

171141[/snapback]

Same here. Maybe it's because my wife is from the north central area and the family has been 'citified' for generations, but I'm not allowed to pay for anything. My family bends over backwards to see to my comfort and happiness each time I'm here. Their generosity (and love) seems to be boundless.

 

I asked her last night about dowery: She said when her oldest sister was to marry the groom's father approached her father to determine a dowery for her. My late father-in-law said the only dowery he required was that his son-in-law love his daughter forever. Did I find a great family or what!

[jim_julian]

Did I find a great family or what! B)

171145[/snapback]

For sure Bob!

[BuffaloPaul]

lots of good posts here. My thoughts

-my wife used to say to me "security first - love second". She grew up waiting in long lines to get an egg or small ration of meat. So for her financial security was her first priority in a marriage.

-she tells me that Chinese are very competitive. she and her daughter are always competing with each other. Anyone that every gets on 001 knows that they are always arguing about who gets the most money, has the best car, the nicest house, the best sex life, etc.

 

I thought that there were lots of red flags regarding money. But it turns out I was completely wrong. Money never was the real issue - I just had to make her feel secure. Now life is great.

[SinoTexas]

Like many of ya’ll, my SO paid for a lot of things on my two trips to Fushun, one in April and one, with my two boys in July. It was a battle for me to pay for anything, but there were times that I did. I was treated very well and could not have been better hosted. I worried about the expenses she was putting out such as an apartment, gifts, transportation, etc. I knew that while she makes an above average salary, I still worried that my visits were costing her a fortune and how she could afford. I tried to talk about it, but she said not to worry. So, like many of ya’ll. I pretty much had all expenses taken care of by her.

 

Move forward to November (now). Our relationship is a little shaky now due to various misunderstandings and events beyond my control. Now that it appears that our relationship may not work out, I have received numerous e-mails from her telling me that I owe her about 5,000 RMB for all the things (almost itemized) she paid for on my visits. She has told me in several e-mails that her family put a lot of money into our relationship and she needs to pay them back. Every e-mail is a reminder about the 5,000 RMB. I was completely floored by this and now feel used. Was it for love or a visa? Maybe I’m wrong. Now I feel like her and her family made a financial investment in me, all for a visa. Now that they see it may not work out, they want a refund.

 

For those of you that had SO’s that paid for everything on your trips to China and your relationships worked out, ya’ll sound great. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where their relationship did not work out and the SO (and family) asked for a refund on their contribution?

 

Jim

[Randy W]

Like many of ya’ll, my SO paid for a lot of things on my two trips to Fushun, one in April and one, with my two boys in July.  It was a battle for me to pay for anything, but there were times that I did.  I was treated very well and could not have been better hosted.  I worried about the expenses she was putting out such as an apartment, gifts, transportation, etc.  I knew that while she makes an above average salary, I still worried that my visits were costing her a fortune and how she could afford.  I tried to talk about it, but she said not to worry.  So, like many of ya’ll. I pretty much had all expenses taken care of by her.

 

Move forward to November (now).  Our relationship is a little shaky now due to various misunderstandings and events beyond my control.  Now that it appears that our relationship may not work out, I have received numerous e-mails from her telling me that I owe her about 5,000 RMB for all the things (almost itemized) she paid for on my visits.  She has told me in several e-mails that her family put a lot of money into our relationship and she needs to pay them back.  Every e-mail is a reminder about the 5,000 RMB.  I was completely floored by this and now feel used.  Was it for love or a visa?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Now I feel like her and her family made a financial investment in me, all for a visa.  Now that they see it may not work out, they want a refund.

 

For those of you that had SO’s that paid for everything on your trips to China and your relationships worked out, ya’ll sound great.  I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where their relationship did not work out and the SO (and family) asked for a refund on their contribution?

 

Jim

171215[/snapback]

 

 

I can't help here, but I'm so sorry to hear this! Best of luck to you.

[peterscat]

Like many of ya’ll, my SO paid for a lot of things on my two trips to Fushun, one in April and one, with my two boys in July.  It was a battle for me to pay for anything, but there were times that I did.  I was treated very well and could not have been better hosted.  I worried about the expenses she was putting out such as an apartment, gifts, transportation, etc.  I knew that while she makes an above average salary, I still worried that my visits were costing her a fortune and how she could afford.  I tried to talk about it, but she said not to worry.  So, like many of ya’ll. I pretty much had all expenses taken care of by her.

 

Move forward to November (now).  Our relationship is a little shaky now due to various misunderstandings and events beyond my control.  Now that it appears that our relationship may not work out, I have received numerous e-mails from her telling me that I owe her about 5,000 RMB for all the things (almost itemized) she paid for on my visits.  She has told me in several e-mails that her family put a lot of money into our relationship and she needs to pay them back.  Every e-mail is a reminder about the 5,000 RMB.  I was completely floored by this and now feel used.  Was it for love or a visa?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Now I feel like her and her family made a financial investment in me, all for a visa.  Now that they see it may not work out, they want a refund.

 

For those of you that had SO’s that paid for everything on your trips to China and your relationships worked out, ya’ll sound great.  I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where their relationship did not work out and the SO (and family) asked for a refund on their contribution?

 

Jim

171215[/snapback]

That's ridiculous!

It does sound like she and her family made a financial investment in you!I feel ashame of them~! anyway, It is lucky to find out sooner rather than later!

You don't have to return the money to her if you don't want to, it was HER willingness to pay for your visits, so you DIDN'T OWN her at all! Besides, if you have started the visa process, you must have spent some money for it, so why you have to return the money to her?

 

I wish you good luck! ..

Edited November 23, 2005 by peterscat (see edit history)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

For those of you that had SO’s that paid for everything on your trips to China and your relationships worked out, ya’ll sound great.  I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where their relationship did not work out and the SO (and family) asked for a refund on their contribution?

 

Jim

171215[/snapback]

You're kidding right?

Edited November 23, 2005 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[peterscat]

Any of you guys read 001?  Those chicks compare husbands all the time.  If it's not money, it's size of house, length of vacation, size of engagement ring diamond.... 

165014[/snapback]

I had never asked Peter for money when I was in China, (of course, I do now when I have to go to SAFEWAY to buy food etc.^0^)I had a job, although I didn't make big money, it was enough to pay for my bills and I could send some money to my parents every few months.

 

There is no reason asking for money unless your SO is really in difficulty like no job, being sick and no money to pay for doctors OR she just loves YOUR MONEY~!

 

What if you tell her that you just lost your job and out of money, what do you think she would react..?!

 

I personaly dislike 001, most of the women are hypocritical, nobody helps when somebody asks for help,(it's not like CFL, people here are always ready to help.) and they attack each other!God~!

[mercator]

lots of good posts here. My thoughts

-my wife used to say to me "security first - love second". She grew up waiting in long lines to get an egg or small ration of meat. So for her financial security was her first priority in a marriage.

-she tells me that Chinese are very competitive. she and her daughter are always competing with each other. Anyone that every gets on 001 knows that they are always arguing about who gets the most money, has the best car, the nicest house, the best sex life, etc. 

 

I thought that there were lots of red flags regarding money. But it turns out I was completely wrong. Money never was the real issue - I just had to make her feel secure. Now life is great.

171202[/snapback]

Exactly how I see it. Her family is rural, but she's lived in GZ for almost 10 years and is citified herself. However, she definitely wanted to please the family and did quite a bit "in my name" to smooth over the rough spots of marrying a middle-class Meiguoren. Apparently I paved her mother's porch, fixed several things in the house, and a few other things, though I never even knew about them (or paid 1 fen towards them) until she told me ahead of meeting her family, in case they mentioned it. I give her money each month as my choice, and I paid a 'token' dowry of 6633 RMB (her neice's fiance is giving her family 300,000RMB, as her parents are retired city officials of some stature, to compare). She uses the money I give her to pay for things like: any GUZ expenses, a medical apparatus for her mother's foot, flowers (I ask her to and finally had to use "listen to your lao gong" to get her to do it with regularity), and for emails (we now only email when it is something technical, like visa things usually, and they are difficult to explain as our vocabularies in each other's languages limited to maybe 1000 words each), and her cell air time, since I call her for about 1.5-2.5 hours each day (I love onesuite btw. thanks to the cfl'ers for that reference).

 

Sending her money indicates that I have everything financially under control. Security is of critical importance to her as well. I am not sure it is above love, but they are close to one another. I think she lived through some tough times as a child as well, and so knowing she won't have to ask for a handout, or worry about the next meal is important. She wants to pay off the house here ASAP and so on. Eventually she wants to buy a house in China when 'we are old people.' If she is talking about things she wants to do with you when she is old. That is a big green flag (or checkered flag even) IMHO

 

Knowing that future is possible and achievable is definitely a plus in the mind of my wife, and i think it is pretty common amongst our Chinese SO's from what I read. Face it, money is important and being concerned with it is natural. Being obsessed with it is another story. Where that line is and whether or not she crossed it is yours to determine

[mercator]

Like many of ya’ll, my SO paid for a lot of things on my two trips to Fushun, one in April and one, with my two boys in July.  It was a battle for me to pay for anything, but there were times that I did.  I was treated very well and could not have been better hosted.  I worried about the expenses she was putting out such as an apartment, gifts, transportation, etc.  I knew that while she makes an above average salary, I still worried that my visits were costing her a fortune and how she could afford.  I tried to talk about it, but she said not to worry.  So, like many of ya’ll. I pretty much had all expenses taken care of by her.

 

Move forward to November (now).  Our relationship is a little shaky now due to various misunderstandings and events beyond my control.  Now that it appears that our relationship may not work out, I have received numerous e-mails from her telling me that I owe her about 5,000 RMB for all the things (almost itemized) she paid for on my visits.  She has told me in several e-mails that her family put a lot of money into our relationship and she needs to pay them back.  Every e-mail is a reminder about the 5,000 RMB.  I was completely floored by this and now feel used.  Was it for love or a visa?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Now I feel like her and her family made a financial investment in me, all for a visa.  Now that they see it may not work out, they want a refund.

 

For those of you that had SO’s that paid for everything on your trips to China and your relationships worked out, ya’ll sound great.  I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where their relationship did not work out and the SO (and family) asked for a refund on their contribution?

 

Jim

171215[/snapback]

All I can say is that is pretty messed up, regardless of what culture.

 

If she is demanding cash from you like that, it isn't shaky man, it's over...

 

It screams of a visa investment / refund like you say. I think I would put the hurt feelings of the relationship gone sour aside and put her email on your bounce list and move on.

 

I don't mind people giving me gifts (though I'll often refuse), but wanting them back is bologna no matter how you slice it, and whether you eat it with a fork or with chopsticks.

[frank1538]

She has told me in several e-mails that her family put a lot of money into our relationship and she needs to pay them back.  Every e-mail is a reminder about the 5,000 RMB.  I was completely floored by this and now feel used.  Was it for love or a visa?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Now I feel like her and her family made a financial investment in me, all for a visa.  Now that they see it may not work out, they want a refund.

171215[/snapback]

Sorry to hear things may be moving Southward. I'd probably drop her an e-mail with that good old American saying: "You pays your money, you takes your chances."