Adjusting to America

[Feathers268]

The poll question was certanly bringing up some good points about what our loving Chinese counterparts must go though adjusting to life in the US. It is so easy to say I would drop everything and run to China to live with Jennifer, but until that happens, no one can really say how that would work out. Sort of like Trigg I will have the fortune of a familiar face close by to help. And CA does have a large Chinese community so I pesonally will have some help, but I want to be able to help her as much as possible so here it is. Anything, I don't care how small of insignificate it may seem. What ever I can do before she gets here or after we are together that can make my beautiful wife more at ease here in the states I would be more than happy to do. After all she will be doing so much just to be with me.

[hypoclear]

Well Jkm if she isa from the south.. I'd start on working up a nice layer of mold.. hmm just about every where..

lucky you.. disconnect the hot water heater and heck while you are at it just disconnect the pipes as well.

 

Go and buy a number of brightly colored tub's pails and buckets and put in the bathroom.. when you think you could fit just one more in there..do it! than you know you have the right amount.

 

Punch or drill a whole some where ion the floor.. closer to area where things might fall in the better. you can or can not leave the toilet.. your choice, but do remove the lid and seat although there is great debate regarding this last suggestion.. do what feels comfortable.

 

Stove refridge.. yeah BUT.. your's are of course too big and not powerfull enough. Take them out!! bring in your gass grill strip the top off and remove the grills.. you want the bare gas rings and have those super charged. While you are having this done.. stop by your local greasey spoon dinner and do 2 things..find out where they bought their industral exhaust fan..

 

You by the stronger model andjust bring a bag and spatuala.. and scoop up some of the smokeysticky grease hanging on all the surfaces.. make sure your kitchen is like wise decorated..

 

ohh time for luch.. will add more.. hope this helps..

 

Mark and bea and Elizabeth

[Trigg]

Jim, I have 100,000 words to say on this subject but for now let me just say this. NEVER, think you are giving her a better life. America is the greatest country in the world-if your an American. China is the greatest-if your Chinese.

 

Quick piece of easy psych advise. Let her think she is helping you (and she will be). She will already feel like an outsider because she will have to rely on you so much. Don't patronize her-let her help you transition into your new life-she will appreciate it and have a lot more ownership of her life-after all, that is one of the huge things she is giving up for you. e.g. "Babe, how should we decorate this" or "Babe,can you help me learn more about Chinese ways?" Ya can't hide the fact that she isn't in china from her, so don't try to avoid discussing her country thinking she may forget about it.

 

I'll post much more later. I'm sure some of the other old timer have a lot to add also.

Trigg

[oregonknl]

Fei is in the forward trenches of American adjustment right now, (arrived in Dec. --- and EVERYTHING has changed...)

 

Fei, from the beginning of our courtship (Dec. 2002) has always assured me that moving to America would be no big deal --- English major in College, tought English at middleschool, first major boy friend (American) ..... Still ..... its more different than she thought ...... Best prep? Perhaps, its not possible to be totally prepared...

[Feathers268]

Mark,

Jennifer is from the north eastern part, and when I was there she seemed quite happy with the modern conveniences to be offered by Kunshan and Shanghai. I wonder if the the apt manager would have tolerated such "improvements" And geez, your making me hungry. I'll have to go eat now.

You have some exelent points Trigg,

First I won't have to fake it in that she will be helping me learn some new Chinese ways. That's part of why I elected to take some cooking classes to learn stir fry etc... When I was there we spent a lot of time bouncing between cultures. Eat western one night and then local the next. I also have talked with her about holidays in that I could handle these western ones and will follow her lead on the other side. I'm glat you chimed in because I would not be one to try and avoid talking about China, but my nature would be to protect her and try to "show her the way". I can see your point how that may not be the best of ideas. I know one thing she will find different is tha fact that festivals will be limited in the most part to small regions rather than nationwide. I don't think that the Chinese New Year in SF will be quite the same as she is used to.

After my experiences there I can see how no level of preparation could be complete. Language will be an issue and becoming a minority will also be hard. Granted this country has quite a diverse culture I imagine that would be suprising when she arives. My family will welcome her with open arms, anyone with an Italian mother knows how that will be. If anything I'll have to keep my mother from doing too much. Most important, I want just to be there for her.

[Stats]

This will be long. I saved this thread in a Word file a long time ago. I am not the author, however it has helped me tremendously.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Adjusting to the USA:

 

Okay Rob, here you go, the 9 letters of HAPPINESS:

 

H for HOME: I know it's already been said many times in this forum, and even on this thread, but you cannot overestimate the importance of your home to your coming fiancée/bride. Do whatever it takes to ensure that it is clean when she arrives. Do it yourself, hire a cleaning service or a maid, whatever, but make sure that it is clean upon her arrival. And not just clean, but uncluttered. Bachelors have a tendency to accumulate things, and keep things in disorganized (although we know where to find it) piles scattered around in various locations of the home. Women, in general, tend to have a place for everything, and generally every place is neat and tidy. Make sure you have lots of extra hangers (and no, guys, door knobs, chair backs, and bed posts are not considered hangers), on-hand cleaning materials, and plastic bags to throw out the trash ("your stuff"). Also, be prepared to give up the drawers (before my wife came, I had 11 drawers of things, now I have 2 (of course, she has the other 9 ).

 

A for AQUAINTANCES: If you haven't already done so, try to meet some other Chinese/American or Chinese couples in your area. During the time I was waiting for my wife, I met several couples, and by the time she got here, I had quite a few people waiting and wanting to meet her. So when she arrived, she already had a built-in network of possible friends, and today several of these people are our very good friends. You cannot underestimate the importance (especially if she doesn't speak much English) of her having friends and people she can converse with in her own language. I think that more than anything else, this helps eases the fears and concerns she might have about coming to America. It is a very big help for her to see and meet other Chinese people who have immigrated to America and are enjoying a happy life.

 

P for PREPARATION: Above all, make sure that you have prepared everything to the best of your ability, down to the smallest of details. This will help her make her feel less insecure during those first few weeks. Remember, she is leaving her own country (probably for the very first time) and everything and everyone she knows, and coming to a place where she doesn't know anyone and has very little understanding of life in America. When speaking with other Chinese/American couples, this is one of the items brought up by the Chinese wives, that is, how secure their husbands made them feel upon arrival. It seems to me (and please, if any Chinese women are reading this, correct me if I am wrong) that most Chinese women consider security to be more important than romance. I don't mean to insinuate that they are more concerned about money rather than love, but instead that they are more concerned about the ability of the man to take care of them, rather than the age difference, looks or lack thereof, or material possessions. Oftentimes I ask my wife why does a 30-something Chinese woman marry a 50-something (or older) man, and she replies that Chinese women feel more secure with someone who is somewhat older than them. You will find out that above everything else, your Chinese wife is a very practical person.

 

P for PATIENCE: Guys, this is something that most of us have to work on. In general, we are not very patient people, especially here in America. We are used to instant-gratification, and have a very poor track record when it comes to waiting for something. Don't expect your wife to come to America and instantly fit in, it rarely happens. When she first arrives, you can probably look forward to 3 or 4 weeks of a combination of jet-lag, time-difference, homesickness, culture shock, etc. And during that time, she will undoubtedly be overly-tired, inexplicably moody, and occasionally short-tempered. In short, she might not be that always-smiling, full of energy, happy with life lady you met when you visited her in China. Be patient and don't give up or think that you made a bad choice! That same lady that you were willing to cross so many BCIS hurdles for, and endure countless days feeling helpless because of the seemingly never-ending wait, is still there somewhere! Give her time, and the lady you fell in love with will emerge and then you will know that your life has changed for the better. Those first few weeks will take an enormous amount of patience on your part, and if you have it, your relationship in America will be off to a very smooth start.

 

I for INVOLVMENT: If at all possible (and I know that it is difficult because a lot of us take a lot of time off work going to China to bring our fiancées/wives back after the interview) try to take a couple of weeks off upon her arrival. When your wife/fiancée first arrives, you will need to be very involved in every aspect of your lives together. By this I mean, you will have to spend a lot of time together, showing and instructing her in a variety of areas you might have never thought of. Things that we take for granted, she may not know, such as the operation of the washer-dryer, microwave, telephone, computer, etc. And if she does not speak very much English, she will have trouble understanding the labels on food, cleaning materials, etc. For a while, it will seem as if you are teaching a child, and will require your complete involvement, as well as the afore-mentioned patience. Don't expect her to know which food products need to be refrigerated after opening, or which food items cannot be refrozen after thawing. Don't expect her to know how to operate the range, the heat pump, or even the vacuum cleaner. All of this will require your involvement at first. And be careful, because sometimes you will fall into the trap of treating your fiancée/wife like a child, when in fact obviously she is not. My wife is very intelligent in areas that I am just a dummy in, and I am constantly in awe of her knowledge of herbs and foods and the benefits and preparation of such. But at the same time, while we were helping our friends in their Chinese restaurant one day, I realized too late that she did not know how to shut the spigot off on the 30-gallon coffee urn, and the result was a lot of coffee on the floor! Or the time when she used baking soda instead of corn starch for the coating for pork for a dish similar to sweet and sour pork (she saw me use the white stuff in the yellow box and thought it was the same stuff ). But these are the kinds of times that really enrich our lives, and we still laugh about them! For awhile guys, your lives will be turned upside-down, but I for one would not trade it for all of the money in the world!

 

N for NECESSITIES: A rice steamer, a good wok (not the electric-type that plug in, but a real Chinese wok), and other Chinese cooking-utensils are what first come to my mind. A Chinese knife (what we call a cleaver) and a chopping board/block are definite necessities. Remember guys, the phone number of the nearest pizza place on a refrigerator magnet will not be considered food preparation once your wife arrives. Other suggestions, maybe not necessities, but important none the less: New towels and wash cloths, new bedsheets and bedding, and maybe a new set of pots and pans or dishes (Chinet doesn't count ). Generally, it will be a good idea to wait before purchasing most of this, since she will undoubtedly know what she wants, and when she feels up to it, take her on a major shopping trip. Remember, you will also need things that you have never needed before, I hope, such as feminine hygiene products, and various other toiletries that we guys have no idea the purpose of, but what our wives consider to be a necessity.

 

E for ENGLISH: This has already been mentioned previously, but it is important to remember. I am not sure which is more important, the driver's license or English lessons, but both of them will rank way up there in terms of importance to your wife/fiancée. My wife, who could not speak much English when she arrived, told me early on that "in America, if you cannot speak English, it is like you have no tongue, and if you cannot drive, it is like you have no legs." When she told me that one day, it really helped me to understand the feeling of helplessness our wives/fiancées probably feel upon first arriving to America. Especially when you realize that most Chinese women are very productive-minded, and it is very hard to be productive in America if you cannot drive or speak English. Prior to her coming, you need to look into ESL classes if available, or ESL courses and books that can be bought via the Internet. There are a lot of good resources out there, especially if you live a the larger metropolitan areas with a large Chinese population.

 

S for SHOPPING: You cannot underestimate the importance of finding a good, clean Asian Supermarket near your home. Unfortunately, where I live, the closest one for us is 2-1/2 hours away, but because my work takes me there rather often, we tend to make the trip at least two times a month, sometimes more. Most of these markets will have the vegetables and food products that cannot be found in the normal grocery stores we used to visit, and your wife/fiancée will be able for the most part, find the same type of products she was able to find in her city. And if your wife is from the north, like mine is, and craves really hot, spicy food, then try to find a Korean market as well. When we go on these shopping trips together, I am pretty much the cartman, I follow her and push the cart, and she fills it up with all types of food, some of which is still unrecognizable to me. Usually, by the time it ends up on our dinner table, it is very delicious, and for the most part I don't need to know exactly what it was. What you don't know, won't hurt you, right?

 

S for SPECIAL: I will finish this up by reminding you that the reason you went to all of this trouble with the BCIS and GZ, is because you met a very special woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with. She is unique in the fact that she loves you so much she is willing to give up everything and everyone for the unknown. Her friends, her family, her country, her culture, all left behind for you. Sometimes just thinking about that should cause you to understand the immense responsibility you must undertake when you ask your fiancée/wife to join you in America. It is a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly, and occasionally I read some posts where I am not certain that sometimes us guys totally understand this. Never, ever underestimate the value of what your fiancée/wife has given up for you, and in order to do so, she has to be a very special person. Remember when the moods are not always upbeat, the smiles are not always there, and the relationship is not always perfect, your wife is still that very, very special person who was willing to give up everything for you. And be very, very thankful, because that is such a rare quality in today's world. You have a very SPECIAL woman, so make sure that everyday she knows that you consider her to be more SPECIAL than another woman in the world. If you can do this, she will make your life more special than you had ever thought possible. I know, because my wife is, and my life is.

 

Thanks for listening, and I wish you, and all of you who are eagerly waiting the arrival of your wife/fiancée, the very best of life.

[Trigg]

Damn good work stats. I surely can't add much to that except re-read the last paragraph-every day if you can and you and wifey will find what the letter spelled. fine job stats-fine job.

[Dan R]

Damn good work stats. I surely can't add much to that except re-read the last paragraph-every day if you can and you and wifey will find what the letter spelled. fine job stats-fine job.

ditto

[rogerluli]

Fantastic post...I already had all the Neccessities covered including a new, high tech rice steamer with fuzzy logic and the instructions are even in Chinese....the whole list is worth it's weight in gold...thanks a million...

[Dan R]

Roger where did you get the nifty rice cooker? I haven't had one since I went on my own. I do most of my cooking in a wok or pressure cooker. The microwave gets almost no use. It would be cool to have the rice cooker you describe. What is the brand? On second thought I wonder if i'd be risking a slap for thinking she doesn't know how to make rice.

 

Yesterday on the phone I was telling her that if she doesn't get her driver's license in China then she can ride the bus here. I was immediately accused of not being worried about her safety. "You don't worry about me to be safe witth bad men on bus and what do if lost?". I tried to explain that it isn't so bad and we can see the bus route and boarding instructions on the internet. I think I better keep quiet on this until she is here. Then maybe she'll discover it on her own.

[NY-Viking]

Go and buy a number of brightly colored tub's pails and buckets and put in the bathroom.. when you think you could fit just one more in there..do it! than you know you have the right amount.

You know, it's funny, I was just in a store the other day and was thinking I really needed a couple. But I wanted just a couple. Handy for washing stuff. I remember last summer when I went back to visit my SO in the apartment we had purchased and her parents had moved in. She showed me the dozen or so tubs and explained the individual purpose of each.

 

I really could use one or two tubs though ...

 

Feathers, since my fiancée isn't here yet I can't give you any real advice, and I imagine everyone's situation will be a little bit different. My fiancée has already visited the U.S. a few times and we were together in China for 4 years before I returned to the States, so she has some idea what the U.S. is like and she has a pretty good idea of what living with me is like, but I still expect a big adjustment (obviously!). A big thing that helped me in China was having my own group of friends that I could do things with if she was busy or if I just wanted go get away. It's good that there will be some familiar looking faces in CA, but if she doesn't get to know any of them, it won't be very helpful. See if there are any Chinese community groups (churches, clubs, maybe even taking the cooking classes jointly, etc.) -- somewhere where she can meet some people. If it's just the two of you, I think it CAN work, but if she has someone to do things with and complain to about you I really can't see how it would hurt.

[Feathers268]

WOW!

There really isn't much to say after that. I'm happy to see is some ways I'm ahead of the curve that such plans have been in the works to prepare for her. I already have a 9 drawer dresser with mirror empty and waiting. I can see that I have a long way to go. Readining these posts is making me realise just how much I love her. I truly am blessed in that this state is littered with good asian food stores and even quite a few Korean ones. I will continue looking. At this point the closest is about 45 min. away but new ones keep opening. B)

I think later I will print that post stats so I can read it often there is a lot of good advise there. This was realy a good idea to ask this. I'm glad you thought of it Trigg. It makes me think of something I heard during the Reagan memorial. His son, Mike, talked about advise his father gave hime about having a long and happy marrage with Nancy, he said two things, "always be fathful and never lie to her, and every day be sure to tell her that you love her.

Dan, my mother just mentioned the that type of cooker last night. She said it was made by Delongi and was priced around $250. I was thinking that would be too fancy. I just thought of puting in the rice and water and pushing a button. She is planning to have a party to welcome Jennifer once she is here and have family and friend there with such things as gifts for us. I also know of a great resuraunt supply shop in SF China town, picked up a good wok and some cooking supplies. Perhaps we will make a trip there once she arives. Other possibility would be in GZ but we will have to see.

[NY-Viking]

Feathers and DanR, there was a thread on rice cookers a while back that might be useful. It had prices and locations and some comparisons.

 

Personally I still use a pot. That might change when she gets here, but she seems to be on some sort of modified Adkins diet, and doesn't like a whole lot of rice. So, we'll see.

[Dan R]

$250.00 !!!!!1 she'd kill me for spending that on a pot replacement.

 

I think I'll get stats' post laminated

[BuffaloPaul]

Thanks for all the excellent advice. This is what I had in mind when I posted that poll