Marriage between US divorced man and Chinese divorced woman

[moondog1001]

Hello all. I'm a new member and very happy to find this forum.

 

I'm desparately in need of some insight into the Chinese female's culture thinking.

 

I'm a US professional man, divorced, with two kids, and two step-daughters (from my ex-wife's prior marriage). I'm engaged to a wonderful lady from Guangxi, also divorced. She had a daughter who passed away four years ago from Lupis. She divorced in 2002. Her daughter passed away in 2011 at the age of 18.

 

I maintain a relationship with my oldest (43 years) stepdaughter. She's mentally impaired. I send her a gift on her birthday and Christmas, visit her a couple times a year (she lives about 25 minutes drive from me), and see her one or two other times a year at events for my two blood kids.

 

My fiancee has a very difficult time accepting this relationship. She says the relationship is inappropriate because her mom and I are no longer married. From a legal standpoint, She feels strongly that, if I still regard her as my step-daughter, then I obviously consider my ex-wife as my wife. My fiancee has gone so far as to say that, if I continue relating to my stepdaughter as a stepdaughter, my fiancee won't marry me. I really don't get it.

 

I don't know the Chinese culture's position on this, and my fiancee doesn't accept that its acceptable in western culture to have a relationship with (former) stepkids.

 

My fiancee is 46. Perhaps she feels competition for my affection, though I assure her there's no comparison.

 

My fiancee also doesn't believe that a man can have other women as friends - ever. I can accept that as a cultural difference and I'm perfectly willing to relinguish any and all other female friends. I only struggle with the fact that she can't accept that inter-gender friends are accepted in western culture. Not even in the case of long-standing friendships.

 

I would be so grateful for any insight into this situation. I'm willing to do just about anything to move forward with her to marriage. But I really want to understand, from the Chinese perspective, if her concerns are rational or not.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Randy W]

While there are of course some cultural factors involved - there are plenty of other Chinese women who feel the same way yours does - you would do well to step back from that train of thought, and think of her for who she is. Too often we are blinded by an excessive willingness to accept a "Chinese female's culture thinking", rather than taking it at face value.

 

"Perhaps she feels competition for my affection" - these seem like simply hard and fast rules that you are supposed to follow.

 

It's up to you to determine how controlling she is and what level of that you will accept.

 

Just my own thought here - I'm sure others will have other ideas.

[Greg.D.]

Just a few comments: it is the Chinese culture that accepts opposite sex friendships, not so much ours. Then, tangled connections of uncles, aunts, sisters, etc are so common in China - a bit like you and your ex-step daughters. I doubt it is affection she worries about so much as potential financial liabilities. But I too bow to others' experience and insight on that topic.

 

Lastly: no, don't give up these relationships. I guarantee that, should you ever get divorced, this severing of your pre-existing relationships is one of the things that will gnaw at you the most. Find a way to hear what truly bothers her and see if it can't be overcome.

 

My free advice,

Greg

[Greg.D.]

One other comment: divorce is often final and all-severing in China. Some marriages are even that way: the husband abandons the wife and lives with his girlfriend without bothering with a divorce.

 

Maybe your fiancé took comfort, when you told her that you were divorced, that you had severed all connections - which was only an assumption. So her learning about the reality was a little shocking. Relationships with the "ex" stepchildren is very common here. Maybe if she's had some time to absorb that and hear some first hand accounts of successful co-existence she might accept the situation. I doubt this would be the last misunderstanding you two would have.

Greg

[RobertH]

Me thinks keep looking, there are lots of other fish in the south china sea. Never good to start down the slippery slope of a controlled relationship.

[Mick]

It sounds, at least from what you say, that your lady is more than a little controlling. You might be well advised to consider that as a red flag for future problems, unless she changes her mind. I wonder to what extent she may have difficulty adjusting to American culture. With that said, there is always hope I guess. Do you think she might consider meeting your stepdaughter? Perhaps if she gets to know her a bit, things might indeed loosen up just a tad. She might be able to see first hand the nature of your relationship with her, as well as open her heart, at least a little, to your stepdaughter. Just a thought.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

RUN!

 

NOT SLOW, BUT AS FAST AS YOUR FEET WILL CARRY YOUR ASS AWAY.

[Thomas Promise]

[warpedbored]

I know of a couple who had the same problem. The husband raised the step daughter from the age of 3. He was as attached as if it had been his own child. His Chinese wife didn't think he should continue the relationship. In his case I think it was more of a matter of not liking him to use resources to help out the step daughter. It caused a lot of problems in their marriage.

 

We don't know your sweet heart so we really can't offer much good advise. I would advise that you settle the issue before continuing the relationship.

[moondog1001]

Thank to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate your opinions and insights, and that you spent your valuable time for this. I'm hoping I can hear from one or more Chinese women - I.e. living in China and/or have lived within the Chinese cultural norms for a good part of their life. Perhaps this isn't the right venue for that. But, again, I'm so appreciative!

 

In every other way, my fiancée is a wonderful woman. But, yes, I do have a serious concern about the control issue. Before throwing in the towel, I really want to understand if there's a cultural reason for her stance.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Thank to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate your opinions and insights, and that you spent your valuable time for this. I'm hoping I can hear from one or more Chinese women - I.e. living in China and/or have lived within the Chinese cultural norms for a good part of their life. Perhaps this isn't the right venue for that. But, again, I'm so appreciative!

 

In every other way, my fiancée is a wonderful woman. But, yes, I do have a serious concern about the control issue. Before throwing in the towel, I really want to understand if there's a cultural reason for her stance.

 

I asked my Chinese friends about this and they all agree that you should run away from this woman as fast as you can. The credibility of such a simple statement may cross your mind, but I can assure you that issues that surface during the early stages of knowing a Chinese woman are like fungus. The spores are tiny and resilient and spread and dominate wherever they lay. A tiny puff of wind will carry it away to plant again another day.

 

I lived in China for almost six years. Four of those years as a single man. We have at least one other member (Mick) who lived in China for about five years who has seen both sides of China from a Western man's eyes. There are lots of Chinese women out there who do not come wrapped in a difficult to unwrap package of baggage. They are not pretentious and not assuming. However, there is a growing class of younger Chinese women who are assuming, and spoiled, and wrapped with unrealistic expectations that they are force fed from family and friends. These expectations push them to believe that any man who wants to marry them SHALL provide and meet all of their expectations in life; both real and imagined. I wish anyone who tries to unravel that mess good luck. Most younger Chinese men are seeking a partner in small villages where expectations are not so high. However, the prettiest girl in the village syndrome lives there also.

 

I looked hard for a long time at the cultural differences between Chinese women and Western men. It's important to understand and learn about these differences, but in my view it's best to avoid allowing a Chinese woman to manipulate you because she's unwilling to meet you half way.

Edited July 25, 2014 by ExChinaExpat (see edit history)

[Thomas Promise]

Here is a good quote from a Chinese lady who is a PHD in phycology. She counsels many Chinese-Americans with the problems they have.

 

"In some relationships there comes a point when damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it hurts like hell, because you can’t keep giving to someone everything if you get nothing in return."

[Joecy]

Wow, a tough one!

 

I heard so much about my husband's two daughters before moving to the US, I thought if my husband could love my 5 yr old as her own daughter, I could love his daughters like my own. But I was wrong. Even after hearing so much about them, I knew what's their favorite things, their talents, but man, meeting them in person; having trouble understand their teenage fast English; nervous and sweating when talking to them with my broken English, I felt myself very stupid The first 6 months of visits was nightmare to me, I cried after every visit.

 

The frequent complaint I had was: I was not prepared for a 5 person world; My heart is not that big yet.

 

But I wanted to be able to stop crying, cause the visit will keep coming, and I love my husband very very much.

I started to find answers online. To my surprise, there are many discussion among western women, saying they love their husband, but they have to admit that they just don't have that bond with his children yet." Loving your husband doesn't mean you have to love their children". I know this might sound horrible to CFL, but man, I was so relief reading that, knowing it's not just me having trouble to love step children right away.

 

Realizing my reaction is normal is very important to me. There's nothing wrong with my love to my husband, nothing wrong with me as a person.

 

After 2 years, the visit became more like routines. I see so many lovable little things about my stepdaughters, and how good influence they are to my daughter. The 3 girls are magically bonded. And I started to hear me saying, "I have 3 daughters " . The amazing thing is, my stepdaughter started to introduce us to her friend, saying, "I know we don't look alike, but this is family."

 

To your dilemma, all I want to say is: The step relation is probably the hardest thing to balance in the world. It's very common to feel scared, no to mention there aren't much support or example to follow. The step relation in China is much simpler than in the US. Chinese women have very less exposure to the step relationship, no one talks about it, it's consider as a shame to even mention you are divorced. Even very few books available on this subject.

 

If you love her very much, try Randy and Greg's suggestion: listen to her, make sure your love to her is secured, and explain how. Walk through the future with her, with your step children in it.

 

A perspective from a Chinese woman, hope this help .

Edited July 25, 2014 by Joecy (see edit history)

[amberjack1234]

Joecy, that was very courageous of you to post that. I am glad that you feel secure enough here to make post like that. Keep on posting an honest Chinese female side of the story. Something that a lot of us don't even understand after years of being married to a Chinese lady. Some couples just don't communicate enough.

 

Larry

[Mick]

Joecy, like Larry said, your insights are so very valuable because of your experience. And yes, it was very courageous to share those things. I do see, however, a major difference in what you describe and the situation described by the OP. It seems his lady is unwilling to even entertain the possibility of working this out, so much so that she is making unreasonable demands on the gentlemen in question. I know in my situation, my wife is very open to my daughter from my previous marriage and also, she even talks with my ex-wife from time to time on the phone. We all get along well, which is a tribute to my wife's openness and flexibility. In the case of the OP, my main concerns are that she is demanding that he terminate a long-standing relationship so that she will not feel uncomfortable. I think this is a major warning sign of future problems.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Mick (see edit history)