Catherineli

Hello everyone! My name is Catherine. I've been a member with this forum for over seven years. I love CFL as my Candle Garden. Yes, it's my "Candle Garden". After I arrived in the United States, I was as busy as a skeeter in a colony of nudists. The stress of a new comer's thriving job kept me away from my Candle Garden for several years. However, CFL is always special in my heart. Now I'm to post my story to bless back my Garden. After my life was established in OK, I wrote a memoir of my family beginning from my great grandfather's generation. But I'll only publish my story beginning from my own life. Please know that we don't ask or talk about the politics. I canceled political part in my story. Oh, recently I love to play a spelling game called Wordy Game. Here is the website: https://www.wireclub.com/chat/room/wordy If someone likes to practice the brain by spelling words, it's a nice way and place to go. Here starts my story: A Land Lord’s Baby Girl Was Born Mother and Father got married in 1961. It was the 12th year after the civil war ended between Communist Party and Guomintang. The postwar situation meant a disaster of hell for a country. The schools had to be rebuilt. All infrastructures such as railways, bridges and roads had been bombed to pieces. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Obviously, Father and Mother’s marriage was a political marriage in the political extremity. Father’s social identity labeled him a “bad man.” My father was working in the city where the living situation was very different from the countryside. He had no house and he had no farm. One of the benefits of a socialist country was free housing for city citizens. My father was supposed to have his house, free, from his company but he was too young as a new graduate. As a “Rich” employee, he was not favored by his company leader. My father was very prudent not to apply for anything called “home”. Father and Mother’s first home was a clay shed by the east wall of Grandma’s house. They extended the shabby shell as their home, very low and damp against my grandmother's house which meant they only built three walls and a roof for their house because the fourth wall was also my grandmother's wall. My mother was still happy with her first home and she believed that she was given the right husband because of the manner in which he approached the building of their new house. He took time to measure the house size, to collect the wood and the nails. I am not sure if they had the tins that they needed for the roof. Father even planned the depth of the holes he would dig for the long poles that would serve to hold the siding together because his major at college was to architecture. The weather was cool then. It was in October, so he did little sweating as he worked, and he rested often to see it went well. After all, it would hold his family. Did he dig the holes deep enough? One thing was certain, they did not have the limestone and cement mixture used to anchor the poles into the ground. It is not known how he put together the sides of the new room, which should have been from long poles that were tied to corrugated tin and fastened together tight and strong. The floor was very organic! It was just the natural dirt. That is to say, the floor was not formed with sand, and smoothed over a layer of water to help settle and harden the soil. Ironically my father’s job was to design nice buildings for the city but he built himself a slum with thatch in the countryside. The thatch and grass filled in the cracks and the roof all over his house. Next, there should have been a house warming party. My father and my mother would have made a ceremony out of adding pieces of furniture to the house, a bench, a wooden sofa, a bed, a carved table, whether it was borrowed or given by friends or family. But unfortunately, the fact was not the case. My parents had nothing, completely nothing inside of their home. They only had a Kang. The Kang was a place for them to sleep for the night, to sit and eat for the day. Both of my grandmother’s house and my parents’ first house were all built of clay and grass. Bricks and cement were only a dream to them. It was impossible in their financial situation. In retrospect, I’m amazed at how the houses stayed standing for many decades without being washed away or destroyed by the rain. Fortunately, there was no tornado or any huge storms. By the time I was about to make my way out of my mother’s womb, my grandmother moved my mother and my father to the north Kang of her house. My parents’ house condition was too difficult for a woman to give birth to a child. A curtain was put up to erect a border or a privacy for Mother and Father. My uncles and my aunties all stayed in the south Kang with my grandparents. South Kang and north Kang were sitting across each other in one room. I spent most of my childhood in this two-Kang room. There was a table of two drawers standing in between the two Kangs. The table was the only furniture my grandmother owned. They had no chairs or stools to sit on. Grandmother had two eating tables placed on their long Kang for people to sit and eat. The dining tables were as high as a coffee table or a foot stool. The family sat on Kang around the table eating meals. The eating time was hilarious with many people eating together. Grandmother had never had delicious food to bring to the dining tables but everyone loved everyone and each member of the family enjoyed whatever Grandmother cooked. Their daily meal was mainly corn bread. As a matter of fact, corn bread was the only food they had. The primitive old days produced many jokes about people’s ignorance of sexuality. Mother often recalled that she did not know the physical difference between a man and a woman in her twenties. When for the first time she saw Father’s underwear with a fly in front, Mother was shocked and believed the hole must have been from a mouse bite. She showed it to my grandmother who only responded with one word, “silly.” “Silly” was the only education that my mother got about sex. I think my father’s underwear must have been worn out or he must have cut the hole with a pair of scissors by his own clumsy hand. Otherwise I can’t believe my mother was so innocent and she had not seen men’s underwear. There was a funny joke as well relating to Father’s ignorance of sex knowledge. When my mother was about to give birth to me, my father was cutting crops in the fields for my grandmother. Someone passed a word to my father to get a mid-wife from the village but my father hesitated and said, “Tell her to wait. Don’t give birth for now. Let her hold the baby for a little while. I’m busy right now.” Gosh, I was not my mother’s urine! The villagers didn’t turn to a hospital if someone needed to give birth or if someone had some physical need. There was no hospital in the countryside. The villagers probably did not have the transportation to carry a patient or a laboring mother to a hospital. They only had a villager who acted as a midwife. If difficult birth occurred, often a tragedy occurred as well. Death was the subsequent consequence from lack of facilities in the village. However, there was at least one mid-wife in each village. All the midwives were all well respected as they were the only hope for the villagers when a baby was to be delivered. It was the traditional way to give birth to a baby at home. The only medical tools that a mid-wife had was a towel, a pair of scissors and a basin when she was delivering a baby. The towel was usually worn out but washed very clean. The scissors were very big and the color was usually black. To sterilize the tools, the midwife just boiled them in boiling water. Husband was never allowed to be around when the wife was in labor even if it was in his own home. When writing this book, I asked my two aunties where they were when my mother was giving birth to me. Were they asked to go out when my mother was screaming with pain? “No,” I was told, “other people still stayed inside but the curtain pulled up for privacy so Grandmother’s family were on the other side of the curtain.” I didn’t expect that my grandmother’s family were all listening to Mother’s labor pain. My mother was just lying in her Kang twisting her body with the pain. She did not have an obstetric bed with a holder to grip. All that Mother had was the Kang and her quilt. There was a local custom as far as a birth were concerned. When a baby was being delivered, the family had to make sure to open all the room doors. They also opened the windows, the wardrobes, the drawers, stove door and all bags had to open as well. When she was helping my mother push through the labor pain, the mid-wife sang like this over and over: “Open, open, Everywhere is open, Access, access, Baby see it, baby see it, Welcome and welcome.” Maybe I heard the mid wife’s invitation by singing, maybe I was eager to see my mother. I started to try to squeeze out. I first tilted my left shoulder and pushed myself, then my right shoulder pushing and pushing. “Open, open, Everywhere is open, baby, baby, welcome, welcome.” The midwife’s soft and melodious singing echoed in my ears. After several tries, I made a bigger effort and gave myself the last kick and suddenly I felt myself standing on a big man’s shoulder, high enough to see the outside world. “Whaaaaa---,” it was my first cry as if declaring “I’m coming-------!!” (To be continued )

I'm sorry for your situation. Can you buy her some flowers, gifts, or going to a movie or a romantic restaurants? but not to mention sex to her. You know what she likes or cook a nice dinner for her or buy her a beautiful dress. There're millions of romantic ways to apply. Give some time, you will find out the reason. Best Wishes!

This post makes me think of my mother's third sister. Right now she is 67. She has been healthy and pretty. She always has ideas of everything, a very smart woman. She loves her husband and they have a boy. But no one knows since when she started hating sex with her husband. The HATE's been so extremely strong that her husband couldn't do anything but had to endure the suffer from the hopeless hurt. There were many times, (I don't know how many times), that my poor uncle-in-law played real fire crackers in their bed room at bed time or at mid night. It seems making the terrible noise from the fire crackers in the bedroom released some from him. She refused to see a doctor. HE went to see a doctor for her. The doctor couldn't give any ideas but simply asked her husband if she was in love with another man. The answer is absolutely NOT. It seems there is no such a profession like "marriage counselor". In China, especially many years ago, there was no access to talk or to get advice about sex topic. I knew my third aunt's "secret" many years later from my her own mouth. When she told me her bedroom firecrackers, I gave her some advices to love back her husband. Even with ME encouraging her to receive sex from her husband, she is very angry, not with me but with the word sex. She hates hugging, kissing and any kind of affectionate touching. In other aspects, she has been loyal and faithful to her family and her husband all her life. They never separated from each other, never divorced each other. My poor uncle-in-law just accepted who she is like Randy said in the end of his post. It's an individual case. Please don't think other Chinese families do the same : ) Here are my ideas: 1. No one enjoys a divorce and no one would say, "Divorce is a big fun." Mr. Coon's marriage with the Chinese wife has been going on for many years. which proves the real love between them through the time. 2. I don't think the wife doesn't love Mr. Coon anymore. Mr. Coon can try to take her to see a doctor. Maybe she has other disease you have not realized such as heart problem, liver problem, lung problem, ( knock on wood) that take away her pleasure in sex. 3. I wish there was never such a thing called "Green Card". The green card aroused millions of suspects, doubts, stories and other bad assuming. Some men tend to think "she has green card now, she may------" The devil takes advantages of the green card and ruins many people's family. If I could, I would move all men to Guilin China. But if a wish is a thing, everyone can be a king. Best wishes, Catherine

I really love American culture about the in-law relationship in the family. Everyone has his own boundary and everyone observes it but love is still there! It's much easier in the daily life. Chinese in-laws are a nightmare to many people. I'm very happy that I'm in America now!!

Hello everyone! Hello Randy! Hello to the author! I'm a Chinese woman and I'm also a teacher in America. I understand the situation that the author mentioned. Honestly, I agree with the above people's opinions that the brother is the key person in the family. Unfortunately, the family leader seems to be the Sister-in-law, not the Brother. Maybe, the brother is happy to take advantage of the working chance out of town. Maybe the brother likes to be away from his bossy wife. However, the author's main concern is the family property called "Summer House" that should be shared with every sibling in the family. Otherwise, who cares, if the sister-in-law brought in many permanent visitors? I'm not sure how old the Mother is. In order to avoid bigger family conflict from the Summer House in future, have the family thought of selling the common property and sharing the profit of money among the siblings, instead of sharing the house? Or should the family make a agreement that every sibling has a border month to stay in the Summer House? For instance, May, June belongs to sister-in law and July August is another sibling's turn. Maintaining the house needs money too, which should be share by the siblings. This sister in law's been Americanized after she's been in America for so many years. She isn't Chinese anymore. True, males are the main trunk in the family tree according to Chinese traditional culture. My father had three children, me, my sister and my brother. We three are only two years apart. One of memories to my childhood is that my parents gave our brother better food to eat. My sister and I just stood there watching him eat. My sister doesn't know her own birth day because my parents forgot which day she was born. Her ID birth date was made up by my parents. Girls are like "poured water" that will be someone else' wife in another family. My parents brainwashed us girls that we should love our brother only. That is a good education. There has never been jealousy among us siblings. After we grow up, my father still only preferred his son. He gave his house and his other property all to his son. He gave us girls NOTHING. By the end of his life, my brother took Dad home taking good care of him. Dad was paralyzed in bed for six years. Do you think your sister-in-law will take good care of your mom who is her mother-in-law? Inheritance should accord with responsibility to the aged. Best Wishes Catherine

I'm glad that I have the chance to stir up the atmosphere here!! Larry, do you mean the blueberries are perennial? That is so wonderful! I don't understand "planted straight in the ground and no supplements"? Should I buy some blueberry plants or seed to grow into the dirt? You used to tell me never to buy a house with a swimming pool. I forgot why. Does it mean too many responsibilities? Good night everyone!

Hi Larry, Good to hear from you again! Thank you for your advice. I also give thanks to other friends here. You all let me know Honda and Toyota are more welcome to people. Subaru is not known. I'll take time for different brands of Honda and Toyota. Thanks. My son and I are doing well. He is lately promoted to be an advanced engineer. He also bought a nice house. We are living in one city. I'm still teaching ESL. By the end of February, I'm going to grow some blue berries in my back yard. But I don't know anything about gardening. Too bad. Last year I bought garden soil, top soil and cow pies : ). I mixed them up without caring the percentage of the dirt as I can't find more information from Youtube about how to mix the different dirt. Last summer, I planted some tomatoes, eggplant and peppers, two watermellons. But the plants grew tall, without producing any fruits. I didn't get any tomatoes, eggplants or green peppers from my two garden beds. I got nothing from my diligent job. Too bad : ) This year I'm going to grew berries. Happy weekend to everyone!! Catherine

Thank you Barf, Randy and Allon!! I so appreciate your attention here. I know very little about cars. Since I'm not a mechanic, I feel new cars more reliable and comfortable. I don't worry a lot about the maintenance. But many people don't encourage me to buy a new car. Please give me more ideas what you would choose if you were me : ) Maybe Honda is the best choice. Surely I must test drive and feel it myself. I hope everyone is doing well. Where are those long-year friends? I avoid to say Old friends : )

Hello everyone! By next month I'll be in America for five years. My driving skill is much better than when I was first settled. To reward myself, I'm going to buy a nice car, either Honda, or Subaru or Toyota. May I be honored to have your opinion about the three brands? I am not mechanic at all. I'm not smart. I'm not living in a mountain area. I don't like to ask for help if anything wrong happens to my car. And this will be my last car in my life. So I want to make a careful and best decision. Thank you for reading my post. I'd like to have your idea. Be safe everyone! Catherine

Two days ago, someone called police on me. I parked my car across the street at a curb before I went into my friend's home to visit. Soon the across-street neighbor called police but I didn't know until after my visit was finished. When I came out, I saw a police car standing there, with its big lights shining. I thought the policeman happened to be their neighbor. I didn't realize that I was reported to the police until after the policeman asked me a few questions. In the end, I asked the policeman, "Is this so serious that someone had to call the police, just because I parked my car in an unwelcome front yard curb?" The police officer didn't say much. I left.

I hear there is a software to prove overseas Chinese people alive. If you blink or wink your eyes, the software program online will automatically prove your life being vigorous. I'm looking for such an online program to prove myself. But where is it or how to do that???? What is the difference between wink and blink? What is the difference between embassy and consulate??

There are not many topics and experiences on the forum about the Life Certificate to prove someone alive. I called the Chinese embassy several times. Each time they gave me different sayings. Some said that I must show up in person to the embassy to prove myself. Some says that I may notarize myself in my local area to prove that I'm alive. I turned to different notaries. None of them wants to witness me sign my name because my form from the embassy is in Chinese. I can't find English versions to show professional notaries. The easiest way for me is to go to the embassy in Houston. I can't drive that far. I have to fly but it's not a fun. Life is practical. I am also considering whether I should sell my house in China. So I can pay off my mortgage in America. I can't make the decision where my future or old life should be. Comparing with many other Chinese women, I'm much luckier. My son gets his green card without any trouble. However, I still feel the isolation in America. When playing uno card with American people, I can't laugh or enjoy the pleasure. I'm even depressed sometimes. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Sorry I'm whining.

Hello Greg, Nice to meet you again. Thank you for your wonderful tips. I really need those. Have a great day! Is your baby running fast now? Randy and Danb thank you for the link when to plant vegetables. I have printed out the vegetable growing schedule. xiexie everyone!

I'm a beginner learning to plant some vegetables. I don't have enough English and enough knowledge about plants. I only had two okra that enjoy the summer heat. I went to Home Depot and Lows, and walmart, to buy cabbage seeds in October, I was told that everything was sold out. I got nothing. So next early spring, I must take actions earlier. Thank you Danb, for the gardening link. I appreciate it. Never mind Guangxi, Huston, or Oklahoma, I just want to get some topic to activate our forum. Too late here. have to hit the sack. BFN

In winter of south China, people don't use heater as a tradition. Many things are related to one word, "poverty". As a result, heater is away from Southern people's mind. Many years ago, the government refunded the cost to those who lived in the north. Changjiang River is the middle line to define the south and north. Those who lived in the north side of the Changjiang River ( = Yangzi River) had the heaters free from the government. If you live to the south of Changjiang River just endured the coldness. It became a tradition. But I have no idea that the southerners are still enduring. This is just opposite to Americans who live in America. They wear shorts in winter and longJohns in summer. Why? There is too much heat in winter and too much "cool cool" in summer Have a good day, everyone!