MomoMommy14

I spoke with my sister about it for the first time this summer, and she actually brought it up. She came out when our sister and law took the kids away for a couple of days. She said 'its a take-over'. I'm not sure I see it entirely that way. I just wish our sister in law could try to blend into our family instead of trying to impose her family values on us. My family is very polite and conflict averse, so up until now we have sat back and just let her run her show. But both my sister and I feel her and my brother are angling to perhaps take over the family summer house. I did speak with my mother this summer about that and she said 'there is no way that's happening and after we pass it will be left equally to you three'. So, that's good news and it set my mind at ease. I guess I was wondering, from a Chinese culture viewpoint - is the mother-in-law really really really important?? lol! It just seems like from day one she has been just kind of obsessed with our mother! And us sisters are 'ok' but she could do without us. Its like she wants it to be her, my brother, her kids and my parents. I don't think i was overly rude this summer but I defineatly placed some boundaries around what I'm comfortable with. And i received some pushback for sure. We had my aunt and uncle over with their grand daughter and my sister in law was going on about what to serve when they came. I simply said, I'd like to prepare lunch for them and I dont need help. She left that morning and was late for lunch and did not really want anything to do with the food. It's like, if she's not in control she wants nothing to do with it. Also, when i'm catching up with family, she inserts herself saying things like 'i'm very outgoing!' and drawing attention to herself. And I'm just desperatly trying to catch up with my loved ones. They are getting older and I want some time before they're gone. I have spoken to my brother before, years ago, when he asked if we (my sisters and I) would mind if he built a small 'house' on the lake house property. Presumable for his family. I said that i minded. I said it set a bad precendent as it was a family space and building a personal house suggests ownership of that space, that view etc. He got very mad and built in anyways. So, thats what he thinks about my opinion! He seems to enjoy that his wife is so 'in charge'. My daughter is in her early 20's and she told him to be 'quiet' when she was reading in the shared living room when he brought his kids in and they were making a tonne of noise. He was furious and brought it up with me. Both him and his wife said ' if she wants quiet she can go to the beach'. I was like 'or you could take your kids to the beach?'. I think at their house the entire family just sits around watching the kids all the time. I enjoy their kids very much but everyday for the entire summer? Oi. Also, she has brought her own friends to the family cabin when it is just her, without my brother, out there. It's just weird. And my parents are too polite to say or do anything.

I'm trying to understand why my Chinese sister in law is so territorial over my mother. Her and my brother have been married 10 years, they have 2 children together. She is a teacher and my brothers job requires him to be away on business quite a bit of the time. My brother and his wife purchased a home, however, her parents virtually live there (they have a home of their own but its easier to help with childcare etc if they live with my brother and his wife). Recently her sisters family also moved in. My brother would like to find a job that would be more local, however he literally cannot stand that her whole family lives with him and according to her they can never ask them to leave. Anyhow, back 12 or so years ago when she was just being introduced to my family, she made a beeline to my mother and has not let up since. She made a note of what books, face creams, restaurants my mother likes and brings them to her, talks with her about them etc. She takes my mother out to dinner and just came in really really hot. At the time, I thought well this is nice, its a bit much but its nice, i stood aside and thought, i'll let them bond. 12 years later and now the sister in law lives at the summer house my parents own for the entire summer with the children. This is a 'family' property and all us kids are encouraged and allowed to vacation there at will. My parents live there all summer. But so does my sister in law. In fact, due to covid i was not able to go for a year. I showed up this year and my sister in law was acting like i was a guest there. At first i thought she was just being hospitable, however, i then saw it as territorial. She kept referring to 'inside jokes' with my mom, name dropped each and every extended family member with an anectode about a RECENT visit. I thought, this is weird, she knows i havnt seen family in a year and i'm sad about that? She seemed to want me to know, that she was COMPLETELY INVOLVED with my entire family. Ok. So i'm trying to have some 1:1 time with my mom who is 75. Impossible. My sister in law inserted herself into every conversation, every act, everything. It was very awkward and my politeness wore off on day 4-5. I then was very forward and requested that she not help me with dinner (this is her DOMAIN, the kitchen), that I would be taking my mom to lunch, just her and I. Well, my sister in law left the property with the kids for a couple days. It was like, if it wasnt her way, she didnt want to be involved. Anyhow, she stares at my mom and hangs on every word. My brother is the only son in our family which in western culture means jack squat. lol. Him, myself and our sister are equals in our family, in terms of importance, future inheritance and obligation to our parents. But she is constantly dropping Chinese culture bombs on us like 'in Chinese culture the oldest son inherits everything'. And, we are going to move closer to your parents so they can live with us and we can take care of them. I truly feel run over by her and just trying to 'hold space' and have access to my mother took all my energy and my visit was exhausting. We know have Christmas coming up and the entire family is getting together. My sister in law has already made some suggestions about how things will go, meal planning etc. and I cant help but think - please back off. She has both her parents, her sister and all her relatives. Can't she let me have mine?