moondog1001

Thanks again everyone. She and I have discussed the subject of step-kids some more, and my step-daughter in particular. She's unwavering in her belief that it's completely unacceptable for me to maintain a relationship with my step-daughter. At this point, she can't accept that this is a cultural difference. She just can't fathom that this is acceptable in the west. Thanks Former Resident of China for the video clip about Chinese women. My experience pretty much confirms everything that was said there. I've actually spent about 6 months in China over the past five years, so I've had quite a bit of exposure to Chinese culture and women. But I hadn't encountered the step-kids issue before so, hence the post. The only other topic she and I have butted heads on is that of inter-gender friendships. In her book, that's also taboo. Even in the case where I've had a female friend for many years, she can't accept that it's only a friendship. The video clip indicates that this is typical for Chinese women. This is another area that she can't accept as a "cultural difference". My take is that, overall she's not controlling or manipulative. But these two topics are boundaries she's not willing / able to budge on. My intent is to find a partner and companion for the rest of my life. In every other aspect, I feel she's perfect. And these two areas aren't deal-breakers for me, in and of themselves. Her K1 visa should get approved in about three months. In the meantime we'll continue to talk about a lot of things. After she's in the USA we have three months to get married. If I feel she's controlling or manipulative after she gets here, I'm sure it would surface within those three months. In that case, she can return to China. No harm, no foul. But I tend to think her views will moderate as she spends more time in the USA.

Hi Catherine, I so appreciate your insights! At least now I know her concerns have some cultural foundation, an isn't just an irrational obsession. I'll continue to talk with her about this. I think one reason that my relationship with my step-daughter is especially painful for her, is because her own daughter died just as she was about to enter university / adulthood. And now I understand better her associating my step-daughter to my ex-wife. She actually does maintain a relationship with her ex-husband's mother, and a little with his younger brother. Both of them were very supportive to her during her daughter's long illness, even though that occurred after her divorce. I'm glad she still has these relationships. I can't imagine going through a tragedy like that, so any support she receives I'm very grateful for. She doesn't relate to her ex-husband (who's remarried and has a son with the new wife), except maybe around tomb-sweeping day. This year they visited her grave on the same day. My fiancee lives in Nanning. Though it's a city of over 3 million. it's not nearly as exposed to western culture as are Shanghai, Beijing, Shenzhen, etc. So, you're right, she doesn't really know western culture, has no western female friends, or any social circle here. However, she has studied English and knows it well enough that we can understand each other reasonably well. For now, I'll continue to be patient with her about this. When we are together in China, she gives me a lot of direction in a very loving way. She knows I don't know Chinese culture enough to avoid social mistakes with her friends and family on my own. So, I don't experience her as "controlling" in any are except my relationship with my step-daughter, or past female friends. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me about this! I'm grateful for any other insights you might share in order to bridge cultural gaps and avoid misunderstandings. Best regards, Moondog

Thank to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate your opinions and insights, and that you spent your valuable time for this. I'm hoping I can hear from one or more Chinese women - I.e. living in China and/or have lived within the Chinese cultural norms for a good part of their life. Perhaps this isn't the right venue for that. But, again, I'm so appreciative! In every other way, my fiancée is a wonderful woman. But, yes, I do have a serious concern about the control issue. Before throwing in the towel, I really want to understand if there's a cultural reason for her stance.

Hello all. I'm a new member and very happy to find this forum. I'm desparately in need of some insight into the Chinese female's culture thinking. I'm a US professional man, divorced, with two kids, and two step-daughters (from my ex-wife's prior marriage). I'm engaged to a wonderful lady from Guangxi, also divorced. She had a daughter who passed away four years ago from Lupis. She divorced in 2002. Her daughter passed away in 2011 at the age of 18. I maintain a relationship with my oldest (43 years) stepdaughter. She's mentally impaired. I send her a gift on her birthday and Christmas, visit her a couple times a year (she lives about 25 minutes drive from me), and see her one or two other times a year at events for my two blood kids. My fiancee has a very difficult time accepting this relationship. She says the relationship is inappropriate because her mom and I are no longer married. From a legal standpoint, She feels strongly that, if I still regard her as my step-daughter, then I obviously consider my ex-wife as my wife. My fiancee has gone so far as to say that, if I continue relating to my stepdaughter as a stepdaughter, my fiancee won't marry me. I really don't get it. I don't know the Chinese culture's position on this, and my fiancee doesn't accept that its acceptable in western culture to have a relationship with (former) stepkids. My fiancee is 46. Perhaps she feels competition for my affection, though I assure her there's no comparison. My fiancee also doesn't believe that a man can have other women as friends - ever. I can accept that as a cultural difference and I'm perfectly willing to relinguish any and all other female friends. I only struggle with the fact that she can't accept that inter-gender friends are accepted in western culture. Not even in the case of long-standing friendships. I would be so grateful for any insight into this situation. I'm willing to do just about anything to move forward with her to marriage. But I really want to understand, from the Chinese perspective, if her concerns are rational or not. Thanks in advance!