RAISING A YOUTH

[dcwfn]

I know that all of us here gave up many different things in order to get our loved ones here. Likewise our Chinese loved ones gave up quite a bit also. We "American" spouses had to take (in some cases) a crash course in Chinese culture and/or language. Again our loved ones had to do the same in American culture, etc. However we look at it the fact remains that we are here by choice on CFL. Unless we Americans have chosen to reside in China the majority of us are here in the USA with our families now. We can only give up so much and there is a point where we have to say...STOP! Many of you remember that it took a helluva long wait, tons of patience and determination and nearly 4 years of celibacy for Mei to get back over here. I'm right at the point of no return with this "little prince". He still to this day does not realize what it took to get all of this straight for his mother andhimself to get here nor does he seem to give a damn. I finished his visa process because I love his mother. I did not do it for him. With all of the give and take that has taken place I can't give anymore where he's concerned. That tank is empty now. As of this moment he has failed to call me by my name even one time. If he were anyone else I'd have told him to get the hell out of my house a long time ago. The prevailing opinion (of mine) is that the only time he wants anything to do with me is when it has something to do with $$$. Early this week I asked him a question about something I had told him just a few weeks back. Mei was standing right there and she said "But he doesn't like......" Meaning she took his side right in front of us both. I told her idgaf if he likes it or not, I'm only trying to teach him simple basic lessons here. Needless to say I told her when we were alone later that doing that wasn't cool at all. That it was in fact rude and disrespectful of her and him both. Ok, some of you want to know exactly what it was about, right? Laundry. It was a beautiful day outside, he did his own laundry and instead of putting his clothes outside to dry he used up tha utility room again instead. Little things like that are the ones he chooses to irritate the hell out of me and maybe I'm finally as crazy as a ****house rat but if he doesn't listen to the small things he never will be able to handle the bigger issues that are coming his way when Mei and I both are dead and gone. To be fair to him though I will say this. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was in Guangzhou I know I would have to take a serious course in culture, customs and traditions before I went out in public there. I would feel terrible if I offended someone even by accident. At least I would have the decency to make it right as best I could. He wants me to help him complete his paperwork for financial aid at college again. I did it the first time. I think now I'll wait until he decides to start calling me by my name. Dave, Pop, Fat boy, whatever. Anything is better than what I've heard from him so far.

[xiaozhu]

It is sad to hear your story. I do not have a good suggestion for you.

 

However, I am surprised/shocked by that you expect him call you "Fat boy". It is not acceptable in Chinese culture. I would be surprised if your wife did not correct him when he calls you worse than that, whatever the situation is. Be respectful to people who is older than you is the bottom line of education in China, at least in appellation/title¡£

 

I know in US, people usually call people's first name. But it is not allowed in China especially to parents. For stepparents, before children feel comfortable to call them Mama and Baba, children usually call stepfather "Shu Shu" (it means you are at the position as my father at least from an age factor) and "A Yi" for stepmother.

[dcwfn]

It is sad to hear your story. I do not have a good suggestion for you.

 

However, I am surprised/shocked by that you expect him call you "Fat boy". It is not acceptable in Chinese culture. I would be surprised if your wife did not correct him when he calls you worse than that, whatever the situation is. Be respectful to people who is older than you is the bottom line of education in China, at least in appellation/title¡£

 

I know in US, people usually call people's first name. But it is not allowed in China especially to parents. For stepparents, before children feel comfortable to call them Mama and Baba, children usually call stepfather "Shu Shu" (it means you are at the position as my father at least from an age factor) and "A Yi" for stepmother.

 

 

"Fat Boy" would only be proof that he at least recognizes that I even exist. At least then I'd know that he is aware that I am alive. Surely I don't expect that he would ever call me that but it would at least give us a place to begin and have something to work with. As I said, at this point we have nothing. Being respectful is also the bottom line here as well. At least it was in my house growing up the way my parents raised me. I am also aware that it is not allowed in China. But, there is an old saying we've used here (in Virginia anyway) for years that applies to this situation. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". There is a quote from a movie classic that also applies to the same principle about differences between USA and Chinese culture and since we are here now it's just as true. Simply stated; "We're not in Kansas anymore Toto".

[dcwfn]

If I remember, he's old enough to be out on his own. Perhaps he just needs a little help realizing it?

 

Yes indeed he is old enough to be out on his own. Believe it or not I love this kid (he's a long way off from being a man) in a way he'll probably never comprehend. He's just riding the cash wagon as long as he can. After all, why should he do anything different as long as he can get a free ride here? The thing is he has to want to prove his own worth himself. Like the old saying goes; "You can lead a horse to water but, you can't force him to drink". I think I'll go start the lawn mower up right under his window and let it sit there and run for a while.

[ChrisA]

Tuff spot, I don't want to start a war of words, but have you tried to engage/interact with him, find out what he likes or dislikes? I'm in the same position as you, the difference is our interaction, I told my son a long time ago, that I can't replace his father, but I can be his best friend and mentor and he can come to at anytime if he has a any questions? When I first met my Laopo in Jan 2005, this is when I met my future son, the relationship at that time was semi-cold and stand-offish so to speak, as time moved forwards things changed as the paperwork process began, he was also very independant in China during High School and College and when we did see each other on my many trips back to China, our bond grew. We do somethings together, play basketball with friends from our Church.

 

During the Chinese SAT exams, he didn't do as well as expected, Mom wasn't a happy camper to say the least, and she wanted to blow-off his birthday, now here I am, being put in the middle of this arguement, and I defended my son that he gave his best during the exams.

 

Recently, he totaled his car (70 mph crash, hitting the center divider at a 50 degree angle, lucky to be alive and walk away from it), he bought it and I insured it, Mom, said to be supportive of our son, I said sure I'll be supportive, when coming home later that day, his girl friend visiting and I said to myself great, both will get a little leason in responsibility.

 

In you OP, you said you began the whole process because you love your wife, he is a part of the bagage in this marriage. Make the most of it, engage youself with him as you are now his father figure.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Chris&lijun (see edit history)

[whatsthedeal]

 

I think I'll go start the lawn mower up right under his window and let it sit there and run for a while.

 

 

Love it!

[chilton747]

 

I think I'll go start the lawn mower up right under his window and let it sit there and run for a while.

 

 

Love it!

 

 

I kinda like that idea myself.

[dcwfn]

If I remember, he's old enough to be out on his own. Perhaps he just needs a little help realizing it?

 

Yes indeed he is old enough to be out on his own. Believe it or not I love this kid (he's a long way off from being a man) in a way he'll probably never comprehend. He's just riding the cash wagon as long as he can. After all, why should he do anything different as long as he can get a free ride here? The thing is he has to want to prove his own worth himself. Like the old saying goes; "You can lead a horse to water but, you can't force him to drink". I think I'll go start the lawn mower up right under his window and let it sit there and run for a while.

 

 

Why not fire it up, park it under his window and let him know he needs to cut the grass before he gets to eat?

 

As a matter of fact I did spend more time than needed to "trim" the area around both sides of his room......lol

[dcwfn]

Tuff spot, I don't want to start a war of words, but have you tried to engage/interact with him, find out what he likes or dislikes? I'm in the same position as you, the difference is our interaction, I told my son a long time ago, that I can't replace his father, but I can be his best friend and mentor and he can come to at anytime if he has a any questions? When I first met my Laopo in Jan 2005, this is when I met my future son, the relationship at that time was semi-cold and stand-offish so to speak, as time moved forwards things changed as the paperwork process began, he was also very independant in China during High School and College and when we did see each other on my many trips back to China, our bond grew. We do somethings together, play basketball with friends from our Church.

 

During the Chinese SAT exams, he didn't do as well as expected, Mom wasn't a happy camper to say the least, and she wanted to blow-off his birthday, now here I am, being put in the middle of this arguement, and I defended my son that he gave his best during the exams.

 

Recently, he totaled his car (70 mph crash, hitting the center divider at a 50 degree angle, lucky to be alive and walk away from it), he bought it and I insured it, Mom, said to be supportive of our son, I said sure I'll be supportive, when coming home later that day, his girl friend visiting and I said to myself great, both will get a little leason in responsibility.

 

In you OP, you said you began the whole process because you love your wife, he is a part of the bagage in this marriage. Make the most of it, engage youself with him as you are now his father figure.

 

Glad to hear the son is ok after the crash. I've tried the suggestions until I'm blue in the face and considering the health issues I had just 2 years ago I don't need the stress. He likes to live as an urban hermit. Doesn't llike to come out of his room unless it's to come to the kitchen for food and then it's back to his room for another marathon of video games. He's been taking the college level ESL classes but refuses to use what he's learned at home. Hell, he has a built in English teacher that won't grade him and still doesn't use it. In my opinion he's hiding in his room hoping that one day he'll peek outside and find that there's another little China outside. I helped him with his financial aid paperwork the first time for school. He asked me to help him again for the summer semester. I think I'll give him the option to decide to use my name first. I probably sound like I'm being a prick to him and nothing could be further from the truth. These are just life lessons I want him to learn. The biggest one of all is to be considerate of other people and their feeliings too. Also that no matter how much he thinks it does, the world does not revolve around him. Like I said before, "We're not in Kansas anymore Toto".

 

Edited April 14, 2011 by dcwfn (see edit history)

[ChrisA]

Tuff spot, I don't want to start a war of words, but have you tried to engage/interact with him, find out what he likes or dislikes? I'm in the same position as you, the difference is our interaction, I told my son a long time ago, that I can't replace his father, but I can be his best friend and mentor and he can come to at anytime if he has a any questions? When I first met my Laopo in Jan 2005, this is when I met my future son, the relationship at that time was semi-cold and stand-offish so to speak, as time moved forwards things changed as the paperwork process began, he was also very independant in China during High School and College and when we did see each other on my many trips back to China, our bond grew. We do somethings together, play basketball with friends from our Church.

 

During the Chinese SAT exams, he didn't do as well as expected, Mom wasn't a happy camper to say the least, and she wanted to blow-off his birthday, now here I am, being put in the middle of this arguement, and I defended my son that he gave his best during the exams.

 

Recently, he totaled his car (70 mph crash, hitting the center divider at a 50 degree angle, lucky to be alive and walk away from it), he bought it and I insured it, Mom, said to be supportive of our son, I said sure I'll be supportive, when coming home later that day, his girl friend visiting and I said to myself great, both will get a little leason in responsibility.

 

In you OP, you said you began the whole process because you love your wife, he is a part of the bagage in this marriage. Make the most of it, engage youself with him as you are now his father figure.

 

Glad to hear the son is ok after the crash. I've tried the suggestions until I'm blue in the face and considering the health issues I had just 2 years ago I don't need the stress. He likes to live as an urban hermit. Doesn't llike to come out of his room unless it's to come to the kitchen for food and then it's back to his room for another marathon of video games. He's been taking the college level ESL classes but refuses to use what he's learned at home. Hell, he has a built in English teacher that won't grade him and still doesn't use it. In my opinion he's hiding in his room hoping that one day he'll peek outside and find that there's another little China outside. I helped him with his financial aid paperwork the first time for school. He asked me to help him again for the summer semester. I think I'll give him the option to decide to use my name first. I probably sound like I'm being a prick to him and nothing could be further from the truth. These are just life lessons I want him to learn. The biggest one of all is to be considerate of other people and their feeliings too. Also that no matter how much he thinks it does, the world does not revolve around him. Like I said before, "We're not in Kansas anymore Toto".

 

 

 

Sent me a PM, my son wrote an Essay for his ESL class today, lableled "Change", I've had the chance to read it without doing any editing and can more clearly see what troubles (fear) him in the future (job direction etc.), I would like to send it to you, in the hope that you can sit down with you son and share him what other young Chinese Adults are going through in a New Country and the challenges they face each day.

My son understands that he left a lot of friends back in China, which is by far the biggest challenge you son has, making new friends and being active.

[xiaozhu]

I very respect your open-mind. I have no experience of interaction with a kid who is older than 18 months. So hope everything works out well.

[dcwfn]

Then again 18 months is close to the terrible 2's...lol

[ChrisA]

Then again 18 months is close to the terrible 2's...lol

 

 

LOL,

When were dealing with young adults, we have to take stock, remembering that we were there age too!

 

I sent you an email.

[david_dawei]

I think your projecting and trying to control even his thought and feelings. You can't do that with anyone. He does not need to understand what it took to get he and his mom here; Only YOU want this to happen. These are all YOUR thoughts and feelings but you want others to have them. Also, you treat him very 'conditionally'. People (even younger ones) know when they are treated conditionally. The mom seems to obviously understand what he likes or not. You do not seem to understand him. Thus, you can't accept him. I could say more but I suspect I am already not offering anything useful to change YOUR treatment of the situation or yourself. I hope you find some way through this.

[SheLikesME?]

I have/am learning that my wife has more deep thoughts and feelings than is let on. Perhaps her son is the same way. But for my sake I have had to point things out to her that I have done and get some feedback. She NEVER woke up to a lot of stuff I thought she would, so I have had to tell her in a very logical step by step email, or when I am calm and she will listen. Perhaps you need to point things out to him, if not verbally, then maybe by letter or email where you can make logical sense of what you have done for him. My wife had this idea that many things I do is just what I am suppose to do, nothing special. So why compliment something that logically I am just suppose to do as routine. Finally she is/has realized things one by one. It is a painful process. Actually getting a divorce has opened up a lot more discussion, in learning ways, because she is aware more and more just how time consuming every day life is... paying bills, calling the internet company, dealing with anything on her own with any governement for any reason... It is frustrating in America to take care of so many things. I still think life is easier in China. Finally I am getting through to her that I have never done anything on purpose to hurt her, as she has stated to me recently and honestly. Finally she is learnign from utilities, credit cards, apartments, govts, that she just does not get her way all the time and it isn't me making the trouble. I don't know if any of this helps, but maybe he is not as bad as you think, once you start some good discussions. On the other hand maybe he needs to be bounced out on his ear to start waking up so you can talk. I have learned to let her deal mostly with her daughter, otherwise I am too easy on her, but then she is just 10. Yes, why doesn't he mow the lawn? Of course he will probably do it wrong and you will have to teacdh him what you want. Chinese call this man or that man to do different things. Heck you can't even buy tools or a screw driver that I ever saw in a store in China. Why, when it is so cheap to call someone. Tyhey do their job and that is it. They are trained that way. Remember it is communist country and like a union you have to call a specialist for this or that - I am over exagerating hahaha of course.

 

Muy wifey was real surprised that I could work on a house or a car, like others here in CFL. Then she learned and layed a lot of floor tile and etc. NEVER would she have even thought to do those things, or have her husband do them. This boy needs to learn to do as much as possible, because the plumber in America will cost him a fortune compared to China. America is tough!

 

Truth is wifey is somewhat a scared lil rabbit and still needs my help, yes with forms like school and etc. Her english is very good, but her understanding of forms and a lot of stuff... well it is tough for her. She has been so apreciative lately that I have wondered if we will stay married at times. China is like America in a much simpler earlier time. So it isn't as easy for them.

 

Do you know for certain he hung the laundry there to annoy you? In China I only recall laundry being hung in th ehouse in the enclosed porch. Do they ever hang it outside on a clothes line??? I imagine you have had this discussion with them, but just asking because it wasn't stated.

 

Just some thoughts, don't know if they apply, but I wish you the very best. Oh, and explain things to your wife maybe beforehand, so she accepts what you will do with him???

Edited April 15, 2011 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)