Do I keep quiet or do I spill the beans?

[JimS.]

I still say a middle of the road is best.

 

Translator: Oh Al I am very sorry but I sent you the wrong picture, here is the right one. And her name is Jie not Jin.....

 

He hasn't been speaking to either girl, he has been speaking with a translator. How many here have used a dating site to met their SO?

How many weren't really talking with their SO, but with the translator.

How many still liked the girl they met in person that they really weren't talking too???

[Batmaniac]

I still say a middle of the road is best.

 

Translator: Oh Al I am very sorry but I sent you the wrong picture, here is the right one. And her name is Jie not Jin.....

 

He hasn't been speaking to either girl, he has been speaking with a translator. How many here have used a dating site to met their SO?

How many weren't really talking with their SO, but with the translator.

How many still liked the girl they met in person that they really weren't talking too???

 

ding ding ding . . . that's the answer.

 

Make it happen, Dennis.

[Richard & Li]

personaly i think is a no brainer

 

lie to him, bring him into family, reap the tornado

 

i cant believe guys here are even suggesting this is a ok thing to do , shame on you .

 

 

Oh Please! Not Righteous indignation!

 

This guy is going to meet a girl he does not know. One girl or the other from the same family makes little difference.

 

Sure, he should know the truth about what happened.

 

But, Dennis should not break his wife's trust nor cause himself long term family problems over this.

[Mike62356]

personaly i think is a no brainer

 

lie to him, bring him into family, reap the tornado

 

i cant believe guys here are even suggesting this is a ok thing to do , shame on you .

 

 

Oh Please! Not Righteous indignation!

 

This guy is going to meet a girl he does not know. One girl or the other from the same family makes little difference.

 

Sure, he should know the truth about what happened.

 

But, Dennis should not break his wife's trust nor cause himself long term family problems over this.

...and Dennis should not cause family ( His and Hers ) to lose face.

If they do lose face let it be by some one else, not Dennise, he has to live with his Wife and listen to her family the rest of his life if he wants to keep his family.

Edited January 16, 2009 by Michael (see edit history)

[NewDay2006]

since he has only corresponded with the mother and not really corresponded with either of the girls the whats the difference ?

tell him go to china meet a young lady have the adventure of a life time

I must say, I agree. Anyway the guy asked him about traveling, tell him about traveling. I don't think there are any qualified moral authorities here, least of all myself. The guy never talked to any lady directly. I say stay out of it Dennis.

Edited January 16, 2009 by NewDay2006 (see edit history)

[rogerluli]

Dennis you know what you have to do...

 

 

 

Anything else and YOU may be the fall guy...

[Yuanyang]

 

It has nothing to do with Chinese culture - just tell him the situation he's in.

it's a fairly common scenario .... I put it down to Chinese witchcraft. Edited January 16, 2009 by Yuanyang (see edit history)

[Corey&Xu]

Dennis,

I very rarely post but this is a very interesting topic so I felt like adding me two cents.

 

First I will say I have read many of your posts and so I am certain that you are a good soul so I am merely stating my opinion.

 

" you can sugar coat a turd and sell it as the best candy ever....it still is a turd"

 

Your loyalty to your wife is key.......but it is a two way street. Me personally I would lay it out that the sister in law must come clean to Al within a few days or you will do it for her.

I would never allow this to pass in my house........the marriage I have with my wife is based on COMPLETE HONESTY and relationships are difficult enough without throwing in more s..t to deal with.

The fact that Al is naive and is in way over his head makes it even more important that he is told. You or I may have found our wives without any of these conditions in play but all of us had to go through the "what if" senario's prior to making that leap and traveling to China..........the level of dishonesty towards Al is just wrong.

 

The conclusion in my opinion is "man up" and run your household from a position of honesty and respect towards ALL OTHERS and the rest of her family will follow your lead. My wife also would never play a part in this either.......honesty for her comes first.

 

I vote to tell him.

 

Corey

 

 

 

Ah Dennis, a fine pickle you've gotten yourself into this time.

I GOT MYSELF INTO?

 

Why am I feeling like Fred Mertz, Larry David, or ...?

 

From the posts, so far:

 

Tell him:

Randy

TimB

Whutthapho

Wendy W

Cathy

Tony and Terrific

Rob

Jin

Amberjack

Amand

10

 

Don't tell him:

Richard and Li

George Lee

Jhammer

Aussie in love

Michaln

Warpedboard

DanR

pkfops

8

 

Looks like I should have made a poll.

[david_dawei]

If this were not so damn serious a topic... I'd be on the floor laughing... well I am but that's beside the point...

 

Dennis found himself incapable of participating in the chinese dark side after years of glowing reports of being among their midst... My feeling is that not much was truly learned about their game... so you come, as Mike said, to the wide world web, as kind of a confession...

 

I'm going to have fun with this as long as I can prior to any opinion since it's Dennis after all caught up in this chinese fire drill. And the arguments range from honestly, to siding with your americans, to honor among liars, to keeping your nose out of where it don't belong...

 

In fact, in the long run, I might predict it is Dennis seeking a shrink while his wife moves on to the next USC player and AL eventually will get over it... So, CFL is the first stop in your rehab...

 

ok.. here's my opinion... and I know that a few already know what I'm probably going to say anyways:

 

1. It's a game. Everyone is playing it.. even AL, but he doesn't realize it fully yet. Internet dating is smoke and mirrors dating on some level. You cast your rod in the great dating waters and hook a fish and it ain't the fish you thought you hooked... ok well, both are suitable for eating after all...

2. It's not a game which most USCs can handle lightly... so Dennis has found himself with questioned honor among the players. If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, go get some cool veggies to munch on.

3. There is a middle way out... not only have the players thought that through, they probably have it down to an absurd science. Even some of us can figure this out.

4. You were asked about travel stuff.. give that advise. If needed, play dumb for now about the relationship issues and let it play out. You can always later maintain some honor by preserving a "never knew" look, which I suspect you can't pull off! So, you could also play the reverse philosophy part and later explain, 'yea... it's so common that I didn't think much about it.... happens all the time'. I'm sure your poker face will still be contorted.

5. Being honest or not? I think this is getting over blown. Pulling one issue out and making it the unpardonable sin is not my feeling. The most basic level of this drama is that AL was online looking for a wife is and is Jin and Jie. Who he ends up with is not really a big issue; he still has never meet either one and has not made any life long decision yet. Let him get to China and decide. If AL ends up with Jie, it was not Jie who started the switch; she's in line like everyone else; now she's at the front of the line.

6. Maybe the game players should toss AL a bone and have another girl or two lined up as backup... after all, his game is that he's picking someone off the internet he has never meet and now he can just pick one in China he has meet.

[credzba]

 

6. Maybe the game players should toss AL a bone and have another girl or two lined up as backup... after all, his game is that he's picking someone off the internet he has never meet and now he can just pick one in China he has meet.

 

Thinking of Tsap ...

 

Hand him a box with a terlet seat, and some rope.

Tell him the one that understands it use is the one to pick !

[rogerluli]

Ah Dennis, a fine pickle you've gotten yourself into this time.

I GOT MYSELF INTO?

 

Why am I feeling like Fred Mertz, Larry David, or ...?

 

From the posts, so far:

 

Tell him:

Randy

TimB

Whutthapho

Wendy W

Cathy

Tony and Terrific

Rob

Jin

Amberjack

Amand

10

 

Don't tell him:

Richard and Li

George Lee

Jhammer

Aussie in love

Michaln

Warpedboard

DanR

pkfops

8

 

Looks like I should have made a poll.

 

 

It's too simple... Who will you be sleeping with tonight???

 

I note that more of the "less experienced members" have tended to vote tell Al...while more of us who have "been around the block several times/didn't just fall off the truck" voted DON'T TELL AL... So all votes are equal but some votes are more equal than others...

[amberjack1234]

I would like to add two more of my thoughts on this matter that I had when I wrote my first reply but did not state at the time.

 

1. How much money does this chap have can he afford to travel 8000 miles to meet someone that he has been conversing with and thinks that he knows and has the same perspectives on life, love and marriage but in fact has never even had one single conversation with. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Yes, this same scenario happens with translators and many of these are the ones that end in disaster. I did say many not all.

 

2. Suppose they do get married. This girl has her own agendas to be willing to take a part in this kind of deception. Could it be that she is the green card hunter type that would leave as soon as she gets the card. This could completely ruin this this man both financially and emotionally. To some it might be a game. When you are young with nothing to loose ok but when you are older and can not recover from such games it can destroy your life.

 

So I am wondering the financial status of this guy and his age. Apparently he must be well situated for he is much sought after and wanted into the family sight unseen for some good reason.

 

Larry

[Eric]

I think that you should tell Al the truth for the simple reason that this is out & out Fraud, no question. Suppose no one tells Al about this and that Al & Jie hit it off and decide to get married. In that case then fraud will also be committed when the time comes to explain the evolution of relationship - after all, they sure won't reveal that a bait and switch took place during the visa petition/application/interview now will they?

 

This is exactly the sort of thing that makes it harder for the rest of us with actual bona fide relationships to get a visa. Just my 2 cents.

[amberjack1234]

Well I told myself that I was not going to say anything more concerning this matter but here I am again and so soon. It just has been on my mind. So here it is.

 

Please allow me to start by example:

 

Most of your older guys know that I was a firefighter. One time a young female firefighter was sent to my engine company as a permanent party transfer. I was the engine company captain at the time. This young lady told me one day while were out on building inspection that her old captain had let her sleep 3-4 hours every day upstairs in the bunk room while everyone else worked. I told her that she would be expected to do her share of work while she assigned to me just like every other firefighter. She told me that she had given sexual favors for having this privilege. Well she informed me that she would make trouble if I did not let her have her beauty nap as she requested and I responded ¡°so be it, the ball is in your corner¡±.

 

The fire chief at the time was an old friend of mine, we grew up together just about 300 yards from each other came by my station one day and he and I were talking privately. I ask him if he could keep something under his hat for the time being. He said yes of course. I told him the story and he agreed with me to just let it ride and see what she did.

 

Several shifts later he called me to come to fire headquarters. When I arrived we went into his office and closed the door. He says to me, Larry I am sorry that I am not going to be able to keep our conversation that we exchanged the other shift confidential. I thought that I owed it to you to tell you first. NOW THAT I KNOW ABOUT THIS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE ACTION ON THIS WRONGDOING. I am going to have to conduct an investigation and if that captain has been doing these things that she claims I will have to take action against him as well as her. You may have to be called as a witness as well so you are just going to have to man up. I know it will be difficult but it has to be confronted now before the snowball going down the hill pickups speed and size.

 

I knew that he was right so he proceeded and it resulted in friendships strained and two letters of reprimand issued. The FIRE CHIEF WAS RIGHT so I could not condemn him as he was doing his job.

 

This is just about the same thing except there is not job involved. It¡¯s about RIGHT AND WRONG period. I have never been able to be a part of wrong doing and deception. IF A PERSON IS GOING TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS PLEASE DON¡¯T TELL ME because then I feel I am a part of it and condone it. I would in fact be a part of it.

 

Dennis, I would like to end by saying that we have been friends a long time. I do hope that my comments on this matter does not affect this. It is just my opinion after all and you about opinions they are just like as***** everyone has one.

 

Larry

[Dennis143]

 

Dennis, I would like to end by saying that we have been friends a long time. I do hope that my comments on this matter does not affect this. It is just my opinion after all and you about opinions they are just like as***** everyone has one.

 

Larry

Golly Larry, I'm just happy that I could provoke you and few others to come out of the woodwork and post. That was an interesting story that you just posted too, Larry. I get the point.

 

There are no right or wrong answers, IMO (except for those self-righteous post of indignation what's up with those who believe they're so pure and above sin?). Anyway, I am neutral for now. I have some time. I'll toss a few emails back and forth with Al to get a better feel and take on where his head and heart are. And, wait to see what pontific words of grandeur David offers up.