Is my husband wrong or my son's

[peacelove]

Hi:

I love my husband and he loves me too, we got married in 2007 , my son lives with us too.My husband and my son have very hard relationship.my husband often yell at him. yesterday when my husband got to home i asked my son to help to carry some my husband bags , my son did,when my husband came to the house and started to yell at my son ,spoke very dirty words :"ass hole ,why you walked on the road instead of you walked on the grass, when you walked on the road ,the road became very slippery,you are ass hole" i felt very disappoint in my husband when i heard that . I think someone try to help you , you should say thanks even you are parents and i think parents and children should respect each other too,He said his words is order my son has to obey. When he got sick he said my son caused that and bring virus from school.....once my son was cut hair and he let my son go to bed after that, My son just washed his hair cos some pieces hair made him itch then he started to yelled at him about half hour........

I live pretty hard and worry about what happen tomorrow, think about my son graduated from high school in 3 years , It is so long way.

Is my husband wrong or my son 's

CAN LOVE LOAD SO MUCH

[Stepbrow]

Blending families is always a challenge. Even more so when there are two different cultures. We cannot say who is right or wrong.

 

I recommend that you get some family counseling. The counselor can help your son and your husband to understand their relationship better, so that they can have a harmonious relationship.

[Toplaw]

I may be the only person here who feels the way I do about what you described. I had a very strong reaction to it. Others are entitled to their opinion. Here is mine. And I base it on taking your facts at face value.

 

No matter who is right or wrong, and no matter who is the source of the hard relationship between your husband and your son, it is my opinion that your husband's conduct is inexcusable. Period.

 

A parent is supposed to be an adult in a family, and set an example for the children. Guide them, counsel them, help them learn. When the parent treats a child like a dog, it is wrong. Verbal abuse of a child or a spouse is also wrong.

 

I am aware that there are men who are as you describe your husband. Their attitude is that what they say is the law, and they can say or do what they please. It is their way or the highway for anyone else who lives in their house.

 

What you have described is an unfortunate fact of life. I may be fooling myself, but I like to think that very few if any intelligent men would have such an attitude. And I feel strongly that no caring man would have such an attitude.

 

I for one am very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that things work out for the best for you and your family.

[lostinblue]

When I first introduced myself to my now wife .I said her son was as welcome as she was to come to my home and stay. Now we are in the process to bring him here. In your former post you mentioned that your husband has told your son that if he does not follow his orders that he would be sent back to china. Reading your story I believe your son will have a hard time for the next few years if he is around your husband. Your husband sounds very controling . Is he the same with you also? I have a neighbor who sounds like the same person you married. You could hear him yelling at his step son across the valley. I do not know how it has affected him personally but he survived this problem in his life and will someday be a doctor. I understand that at times a woman like yourself has a hard time to have a social life. I know yan would like to do more but she is working 7 days a week for now. I am saying having friends outside of marriage that could help you. You need to find a way to help your son's image in his own mind as your husband is seeking to destroy this image of respect for your son. The greatest thing a man can do for his wife is love her children. This is not happening. You must always be on the lookout to make sure that this yelling does not become hitting. If this happens then the police should be called . Yelling at someone all the time is not good but if it goes farther {like hitting)you need other help. You must do all you can to help your son. Tell him every day he is special, very smart, and you love him. Otherwise this man will beat him down in his mind. You must build up this respect for your son and how he thinks about himself. Make sure he understands he can do anything he puts his mind to. Write more if you need many people are here to help. Your story is one of the sad story's we read on this site. perhaps you need to correspond with people (on this site) in chinese if you feel your husband reads here. for your own security in this matter.

[warpedbored]

I'm not going to soft sale this. Your husband is being abusive to your son. What kind of grown man yells at a child calling him an asshole? This behaviour is unacceptable. As Lee said, a man sets an example for his children. What kind of example is this? You need to tell your husband in a calm and non confrontational manner that you will not tolerate this. You have to protect your child. He shouldn't have to live in fear of your husband. If he continues take your child and go to a womans shelter. You have options, you don't have to put up with this.

[credzba]

It is difficult to know what is going on inside your family.

No reasonable person yells a a child, but after 4 children I can guarantee you that my children have made me become unreasonable at times.

 

I tell my children that when they were young, they were so cute and lovely that they built up a bank of "chits" and when they got older and I wanted to kill them, instead I would take a chit out of the jar.

 

While this is just an analogy (obviously) it really does represent how my brain functions. Not that I plan it, just I know myself.

 

 

For some reason, your husband and son are not developing "chits" and the jar is empty. Some how, they need to develop a good relationship. It may require counseling, or it may just require a change of heart or situation. Only you and your family can know.

 

One thing I can tell you though, your marriage will not survive if this continues. You love your husband, and you love your son.

I am sure you don't want to see your husband so angry, and you don't want to see your son hurting.

End result is you will seperate the two combatants, and since your son needs an adult, that is going to mean you take your son and move away from your husband.

 

Everyone looses. I hope you can find a way for these two people to get along.

[C4Racer]

I agree with Lee and Carl. The behavior is absolutely unexcusable. Abuse is abuse, verbal abuse can be more damaging to a child than physical abuse. It can reach far into the mind and stay with him for life. So do not let this continue. This is your child to love, protect and raise. Do not allow your husband to continue this behavior. Spouses come and go, but a child is yours for life. So no matter what, your son must have your support against this kind of behavior.

 

There is nothing wrong with your husband's expectation of having his rules followed in his house. However, disciple does not have to come with abuse. Disciple can teach your son to be a better person, and yelling to make a point is one thing. Yelling to make a chlid feel inferior is absolutely wrong and should never be tolerated. True loving disciple is all about build the child up and making their behavior better. Your husband's actions only designed to tear the child down. Like Carl said, you need to have a talk with your husband before this goes any further.

[peacelove]

Thank for everyone's responses.I think different cultures make the new family a little hard ,plus my husband is a pretty strict in children, (his friends said that too) I think teenage children are a special period, parents need more patient and love for them.guide them,let them become good people.If you don't ready for that,better not to marry with a woman who has teenage children, or the wife is in a bad situation.She loves children and husband. sometimes it is difficulty to choose,anyway .if i have to choose .the child always is in the first he is young and need protect and take care from mom.It is my responsibilities for the child and the society

Thank to remind me write in Chinese so that my husband do not see that.

Thank your advices

I still believe life is wonderful and try my best to change the situation

[JingJoseph]

Thank for everyone's responses.I think different cultures make the new family a little hard ,plus my husband is a pretty strict in children, (his friends said that too) I think teenage children are a special period, parents need more patient and love for them.guide them,let them become good people.If you don't ready for that,better not to marry with a woman who has teenage children, or the wife is in a bad situation.She loves children and husband. sometimes it is difficulty to choose,anyway .if i have to choose .the child always is in the first he is young and need protect and take care from mom.It is my responsibilities for the child and the society

Thank to remind me write in Chinese so that my husband do not see that.

Thank your advices

I still believe life is wonderful and try my best to change the situation

 

 

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[Guest Tony n Terrific]

It is tough to blend families. It is not a very nice to call your children any names other then names of endearment.

When I was growing up my Father's favorite expression was "Idiot Bastard" it did not matter to him if he called me this or the mailman because he was late or a traffic signal.

Name calling a child will lead to low self esteem, no confidenace, lack of positive image of oneself and can bring on aggresive behavior in their later lives.

I have never forgot being called an Idiot Bastard during my youth and I promised myself never to call my children any names that are derogatory. Words can be indelible.

Edited December 18, 2008 by Tony n Terrific (see edit history)

[Richard & Li]

It is tough to blend families. It is not a very nice to call your children any names other then names of endearment.

When I was growing up my Father's favorite expression was "Idiot Bastard" it did not matter to him if he called me this or the mailman because he was late or a traffic signal.

Name calling a child will lead to low self esteem, no confidenace, lack of positive image of oneself and can bring on aggresive behavior in their later lives.

I have never forgot being called an Idiot Bastard during my youth and I promised myself never to call my children any names that are derogatory. Words can be indelible.

 

I agree. My father was also quick tempered and sharp tongued.

 

Respect is earned and cannot be demanded. Attempts to elevate one's self by demeaning others will always fail.

[shadeOgray]

His behavior is absolutely inexcusable, you better have a sit down chat with him and point this out. Sounds like he needs and anger management class at the very least. Ask the husband to put himself in your son's place and then think about what he has done, how would he feel in your sons place.

Sorry I am a very family oriented person who loves kids and when I hear things like this my blood just boils. This says allot if you knew me as I am VERY slow to anger.

[LeeFisher3]

This is sad, your husband doesn't understand that he is forcing you to choose between him and your son. Maybe you can find a way to talk with him about this and help him to understand that he is forcing you to choose between him and your son. Tell him your choice is to have a peaceful happy family, but he must help.

[Guest jin979]

he is a bad husband to do this to you both. if he wont change you should divorce him.

[Jerry & xiaomin]

Oh my, yes, that's abuse [my children's mother use to [maybe still does] verbally abuse them horribly] It's unacceptable to treat a child with any disrespect. You can be firm without fear or degrading intimidation. I wouldn't consider a divorce unless he refuses counseling [you have to give him a chance too]

 

The first thing that I love about xiaomin [okay, the second!] is the relationship she's built with the children. They love her completely and xiaomin regularly gets upset with ME for "shushing" them when I'm trying to talk to her! THAT'S the kind of step-mom that I want around my kids!