Looking for advice

[NYTIMES]

Can anyone tell me about the Chinese culture and whether it includes helping lao go to pay bills if la po works too..? It has now been about 1 month and la po is putting her payck into a separate bank acct under her maiden name. I would like to ask her to chip in with our bills and give me whatever she can to help out but I think she will say she makes little money.

 

Stepdaughter works 2 jobs and is putting money away for school and i am proud of both of them but we are married and would like to see some contribution into the marriage since times are tough now and would appreciate some help with making our life better.

 

 

Just wondering what the right thing to do here to make our lives better.

 

Any suggestions, please would be helpful.

 

Also, she made me a little upset yesterday when she said that she would poison the cats, maybe this was said as a joke when we discussed that I should get rid of too many things that i have in apartment for the cats

[The Jeff]

hmmm...separate bank accounts, eh? Well, I suppose it all depends on your culture and background. If you want her to share, why not just put all your money into her bank account. That way she'll have more money to use. You might also get her to do all the bills, that way she'll know more about American life. You could then have more time to pursue your hobbies. When you give her all of your money, it also serves to build trust and evidence for if/when you decide to file for citizenship.

 

Anyway, good luck to whatever you decide.

[lostinblue]

Some people are cat people and others hate them. My mother would never have a cat in the house. They are not clean enough. You are looking at a personal matter not cultural. In dealing with the money matter .Everyone desires to have a little money of their own. You need to feel her out and see what the level she needs as a security point. Maybe she desires 3 grand enough to get her back to china if baba or mama is sick. I think this is very common. Very few credit cards are used in China and cash is king. That is the cultural aspect of your problem. She desires to take care of her security issues as you have pointed out in the past your income level could be better. In my marriage Yan does put all her paycheck into our joint account by direct deposit and then she has a small amount of cash for her spending "mad money" "the $5.00 pair of shoes at wallmart that were on sale " of course. Our account is joint but she is not comfortable writing checks. I make her on occasion as we hope to bring her son here and and joint use of assets will be looked at. Their are many people on this board who's spouse desires to send money back to help with the family and they want to use their own earned money . Maybe this has not helped you much. I understand as much as anyone the struggle with money. Winter is comming and with it is $ 4-5.00

fuel oil. Between gas and heating oil we could spend 25% of our take home income if we have a global cooling period (for a few months) Upstate NY winters ....gotta love them.

[Minister]

A lot of Chinese girls are taught to have some separate money these days. They never know if they're going to be left high and dry by their spouse. Money is a BIG thing in marriage over there and even a small dispute over money can put people on their guard for a long long time. These days, mothers advise their children to do anything they can to control the finances and to keep some money separate (even hidden).

 

It may not be a big deal. Has your girl been divorced? Depending on how it went, this may be a little baggage that you are experiencing.

 

Anyway, I may be wrong, but I wouldn't freak out at this point.

[Guest Mike and Lily]

What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours. I think I heard that somewhere before.

[NYTIMES]

Thanks everyone for there advice, but now she wants me to get rid of the cats that i have had for 5 years and that is a no no for me.

 

My lao po says she loves me and only wants to live with me and not my animal children. i am freaking out since she knew about them before we got married and we had a month together here in USA before we got married for her to say this totally is freaking me out today .........

 

I hope she comes to her senses before I lose my mind since she wants to move out and live with stepdaughter she says and if i want a divorce .......what i dont understand is why she tells me she loves me????

[IllinoisDave]

Thanks everyone for there advice, but now she wants me to get rid of the cats that i have had for 5 years and that is a no no for me.

 

My lao po says she loves me and only wants to live with me and not my animal children. i am freaking out since she knew about them before we got married and we had a month together here in USA before we got married for her to say this totally is freaking me out today .........

 

I hope she comes to her senses before I lose my mind since she wants to move out and live with stepdaughter she says and if i want a divorce .......what i dont understand is why she tells me she loves me????

This is getting pretty serious now. You may want to PM donahso. Don't know that he's gone through the same situation as you, but he does have cats and his wife may not be all that fond of them. Either way, he may be able to offer some advice.

[NYTIMES]

I will thx

[ken88]

Can anyone tell me about the Chinese culture and whether it includes helping lao go to pay bills if la po works too..? It has now been about 1 month and la po is putting her payck into a separate bank acct under her maiden name. I would like to ask her to chip in with our bills and give me whatever she can to help out but I think she will say she makes little money.

 

Stepdaughter works 2 jobs and is putting money away for school and i am proud of both of them but we are married and would like to see some contribution into the marriage since times are tough now and would appreciate some help with making our life better.

 

 

Just wondering what the right thing to do here to make our lives better.

 

Any suggestions, please would be helpful.

 

Also, she made me a little upset yesterday when she said that she would poison the cats, maybe this was said as a joke when we discussed that I should get rid of too many things that i have in apartment for the cats

 

 

I am sure you will get a lot of advice here. This is mine. Discuss with your wife and come to an agreement. There are three possible ways of doing it.

 

1. There will be just one account for all the three of you. You withdraw money and spend it as needed. If any body spends more than $50.00 on a personal item, the family has to approve it. Set aside 1 hour a week, say Thursday right after dinner, to discuss family finances.

 

2. Have "his, her, and our accounts". Every one has his/her own account and one joint account. Make a budget for the family. In order for this to work, your combined income should be at least 25% higher than your monthly family budget.

 

Everyone contributes 50% of his/her income to the joint account. If it does not meet the budget target, you, as the man in the house, contribute upto 80% of your income. If it still does not meet your budget level, everybody contributes 80% of his/her income.

 

this works best for the high income people.

 

3. The last and the best I think is this. Give 80% of your income to your wife and tell her "this is what I have, spend it the way you want it and take care of the household". some people give the entire pay check to the wife. Let her worry about the money matters. You enjoy your football game and a beer.

 

If you want, you PM me with all the numbers. I can give you more specific guidelines.

 

Good Luck

 

Ken88

 

1.

[hakkamike]

I have no advice for you other than why dont you just ask her why she wont give you all of her money..

[amanda1969]

This is the best evidence to show what degree of trust between a husband and a wife. To gain trust, you have to trust your wife first.Only you know who she is.

 

 

 

Amanda from China

[Minister]

What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours. I think I heard that somewhere before.

 

Must have been from my wife.

 

On a more serious note... What? She wants to move out? Are you sure it's for the cats? If there is a deeper problem here that she has, then that's something that you really need to talk about with her. Maybe there's something else that she wants to discuss.

 

But...

 

I also got rid of my cat before my wife came to the states. First of all, Chinese (North Chinese), don't like cats. They are traditionally associated with evil spirits, death, unfaithfulness and bad luck. Also, they are considered dirty and a waste of money. Having a cat may be a big issue to her. If she is really ready to leave you over the cat, well, I think that you'll have to make your own decision. Speaking as a cat-giver-upper, I know it's a hard one.

 

But, my advice is; She may not understand the American fascination with pets. She may just be thinking, "Why does he want to endanger me and my daughter with this dirty animal?" If you step up to the plate and lose the cats, she'll see how you're really dedicated to her and it will mean a lot.

 

Also... (In my opinion only)...

 

Come on, man. That's your wife and daughter. Get rid of the cats.

Edited July 21, 2008 by Minister (see edit history)

[tonado]

My wife is very frugal for helping out the house expenses. All her earning goes to herself (for lotions and clothes). I even have to pay for the gas for her car.

[credzba]

Also... (In my opinion only)...

 

Come on, man. That's your wife and daughter. Get rid of the cats.

 

I agree with this.

I am in the opposite situation.

 

I DON'T want house pets, but my wife wants a "little dog".

Because I love her, I will tolerate a dog.

Believe me, for us that don't like house pets it is SHEER torture to have an animal around.

Our agreement is the dog will stay outside, I hope that is enough.

My ex-wife had 2 dogs in the house, and it made me crazy. I am certain it contributed to our divorce.

 

As for the money .. You signed the I-864 or whichever form.

You agreed to support your wife and child in America.

She did not sign a form saying she would support you. She married you and agreed to love you and take care of you.

 

If your in dire straits, and can't make it, then you should ask for help from her, but it is a request. She has kept her part of the agreement, she loves you and takes care of you, she is expecting you to keep your part of the agreement.

Edited July 22, 2008 by credzba (see edit history)

[NewDay2006]

I DON'T want house pets, but my wife wants a "little dog".

Because I love her, I will tolerate a dog.

As for the money .. You signed the I-864 or whichever form.

 

 

 

My wife wants a "small dog with short hair".., don't know about this...

I hacve told her no I don't want a dog... but who knows

Edited July 21, 2008 by NewDay2006 (see edit history)