Wife travel to china for a long time

[pkfops]

As said before; a few month's is no big deal.

 

Chinese wife with new baby that hasn't been home to the FAMILY?

 

It's not hard to figure out.

 

If you put a bit more effort into understanding Chinese culture, you will have no worries.

[Sebastian]

pkops - i agree with you -

 

but - he had asked for 'worst case scenario' .

 

oh well - he'll learn, eventually. i feel like one of those idiots who was off in the corner, thinking, 'i note that if it comes outta my mouth, its as if it's water vapor, no form, no function'

[bill23]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their advice. I am not getting the answer I want but I guess only an attorney can do that.

 

I want everyone to know that I want my son to visit his Grandmother and Grandfather very much. And the whole family and friends. Keeping my son here for this is not an option. I am not saying my wife is a liar, bad person, or anything of the sort. Our marriage is not ideal but we respect each other immensely. On a few occasions I have made her angry and the things that she has said is very childish and horrible. It would make the hair on your neck stand up. As I understand it, others that know her know of this side to her.

I don't want to make her into a bad person but there are some major issues. I want her to have independance but she does not take initiative.

 

I cannot say that we will be married forever and that is ok. She cannot take care of herself in the USA right now and I am committed for her to do that. And if things work out that will help me as well. I trust her and I trust that she wants well for me. She has a strong family unit in China, and here she relies on me for A LOT. She knows and feels that she can be a burden. No matter how I act. And as someone mentioned earlier, staying home and taking care of the baby has slowed down the progression. I am fine with it because it is the most important job in the world.

 

I believe she will come back but even the thought that I never see my son, is a unbearable thought. I want my wife to be happy but our son should live and learn here. Don't read too much into my reasonings, it is just due diligence.

[Trigg]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their advice. I am not getting the answer I want but I guess only an attorney can do that.

 

I want everyone to know that I want my son to visit his Grandmother and Grandfather very much. And the whole family and friends. Keeping my son here for this is not an option. I am not saying my wife is a liar, bad person, or anything of the sort. Our marriage is not ideal but we respect each other immensely. On a few occasions I have made her angry and the things that she has said is very childish and horrible. It would make the hair on your neck stand up. As I understand it, others that know her know of this side to her.

I don't want to make her into a bad person but there are some major issues. I want her to have independance but she does not take initiative.

 

I cannot say that we will be married forever and that is ok. She cannot take care of herself in the USA right now and I am committed for her to do that. And if things work out that will help me as well. I trust her and I trust that she wants well for me. She has a strong family unit in China, and here she relies on me for A LOT. She knows and feels that she can be a burden. No matter how I act. And as someone mentioned earlier, staying home and taking care of the baby has slowed down the progression. I am fine with it because it is the most important job in the world.

 

I believe she will come back but even the thought that I never see my son, is a unbearable thought. I want my wife to be happy but our son should live and learn here. Don't read too much into my reasonings, it is just due diligence.

Damned if I know the legalities but a) 3 months is not long for a Chinese woman-they have to get their $$ worth. My wife has gone twice for three months and came back. Most Chinese women would never be foolish enough to run out on child support. She knows she could get big bucks 'if' and still go to China with your son if she wanted to c) having a son in China would take her out of the dating/marriage market--so why would she go? D) most Chinese women would die to have their son grow up and be educated in a US school!!!

 

E) The American gov and China do not recognize dual citizenship so in the USA's eyes he would be an American--I'm guessing they would do whatever is possible to help you????????

[bill23]

I really don't think my wife is thinking about my money and how much child support and alimony she can get. I am really tight and I do like to save my money. She understands this and knows that i have done things for her family financially. I have done it not for her but because I care about her family. She also knows I work hard and have dreams.

 

We don't have fancy clothes and cars but we eat very well. I know enough about Chinese culture to know she appreciates this.

[Randy W]

I really don't think my wife is thinking about my money and how much child support and alimony she can get. I am really tight and I do like to save my money. She understands this and knows that i have done things for her family financially. I have done it not for her but because I care about her family. She also knows I work hard and have dreams.

 

We don't have fancy clothes and cars but we eat very well. I know enough about Chinese culture to know she appreciates this.

 

 

. . . and you're telling us you're worried about her leaving you ??

[bill23]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

[amanda1969]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

It sounds like that your son is more important than your wife in your mind.Your son needs love both from you and your wife if you have good marriage together.

It comes into my mind that you want to get ready to divorce not her ...Please take care of your wife especially when she is taking care of your son everyday. It is really hard work to look after a little child. Please understand your wife...She is tired and sleepy everyday...

[Sebastian]

i always think there's some middle ground. if it's possible for you to work remote with your employer, a 3 month stint with all of you in china together would be best. it's not so much to 'watch her' as it is to be a family unit within HER family unit. just a thought.

 

you'll need a high speed internet connection at the place where yer sleeping, a voip ata device from a usa-based telephone provider, and yer puter... of course yer sleeping patterns will go to shite, as you'll still be on usa time, but at least you three would be together. if it's possible with yer employer, i'd be jumping through hoops to make it happen.

[bill23]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

It sounds like that your son is more important than your wife in your mind.Your son needs love both from you and your wife if you have good marriage together.

It comes into my mind that you want to get ready to divorce not her ...Please take care of your wife especially when she is taking care of your son everyday. It is really hard work to look after a little child. Please understand your wife...She is tired and sleepy everyday...

 

 

Amanda,

 

My wife is very important. I guess you are not understanding. I do know how difficult it is to take care of a child. I also want her to be able to take care of herself. I care enough about us all to want her to be self sufficient. My job keeps me gone from 7 in the morning until 7 in the evening. It also afford us a good living financially to where we don't have to worry about food and unexpected expenses. I want her to learn English so she can speak it to our son. I want her to be able to drive a car better so she can shop and drive our son to the doctor. It is hard for me to do my job and drive everyone everywhere. She needs to have the same freedoms as every other American. Sometimes she won't try and it is frustrating for BOTH of us.

 

That is why I could see her staying in China. I want her to motivate herself because when I express this to her it is like criticism. But I can't continue to do all of this.

 

 

[chilton747]

Is your place close to a CCT route? Has she ever taken this?

[amanda1969]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

It sounds like that your son is more important than your wife in your mind.Your son needs love both from you and your wife if you have good marriage together.

It comes into my mind that you want to get ready to divorce not her ...Please take care of your wife especially when she is taking care of your son everyday. It is really hard work to look after a little child. Please understand your wife...She is tired and sleepy everyday...

 

 

Amanda,

 

My wife is very important. I guess you are not understanding. I do know how difficult it is to take care of a child. I also want her to be able to take care of herself. I care enough about us all to want her be self to sufficient. My job keeps me gone from 7 in the morning until 7 in the evening. It also afford us a good living financially to where we don't have to worry about food and unexpected expenses. I want her to learn English so she can speak it to our son. I want her to be able to drive a car better so she can shop and drive our son to the doctor. It is hard for me to do my job and drive everyone everywhere. She needs to have the same freedoms as every other American. Sometimes she won't try and it is frustrating for BOTH of us.

 

That is why I could see her staying in China. I want her to motivate herself because when I express this to her it is like criticism. But I can't continue to do all of this.

 

 

I guess you have to understand your wife's situation and then you can understand what I said... Your son is so little that he needs his mother to look after him carefully and because of this reason your wife has to be at his side every moment... so she has no time and no other energy to learn driving or go to school to study English better...When I recall the time when my son at his early age, in my mind looking after him made me tired and sleepy... I even could not eat meals because I was afraid of him falling down because he did not know any danger... Only at the time when he went to sleep I could eat something and do laundry and other cleaning...So I guess when your wife has to take care your son, she has no chance and time to learn something new. Besides, she is doing hard work for your son she is easily to get angry... Both you and your wife have to adapt to this.

Please keep paitence and your wife will make progress.

My husband told me driving is a life style in USA. I hope I will learn before I move to USA. I also hope my English will be better in order to adapt to the new country and my husband. but I am lucky because my son is 14 years old I do not have to take care of him as he was 1 or 2 years old. He is growing up quickly and he is even taller than me. The problem is I have to find a better way to let him listen to me...lol. He is a good son and good student but he still needs me to educate him. This is another way of looking after children which is a challenge for parents unlike just meet his basic needs for eating and health when he was 1 or 2 years old...

Anyway, life is good which I have been through the process of living...

 

My suggestion is that join your wife to look after son not always talk about the things that right now she doesn't have time or enough energy to do...I guess that is why she looks your motivation to her as criticism.

Wife needs you to understand what she does for your son and your family when you are at work and how she is feeling about that.This job is more difficut than your working at your office. If you stayed at home to look after son everyday you would know the feeling would be...

 

BTW,I do not want to criticise you or argue with you.

Because I was at my hard work with my son when he was very little age I try to give you some experiences from me as suggestions.I wish you have new perspective to look at your wife in a new way after you read my suggestions...

 

Hope you, wife and son are the best!

 

Amanda from China

[shaffej7070]

Stays of 2 or 3 months are very common. Almost all of Lisa's friends go for two months. It's a long way to go and she is going home. If she is anything like my wife, she has lots of family and friends to catch up with and show off the new baby. 2 or 3 weeks will not be enough. My wife went back to China alone with our 1 year old son for two months in 2006. I then took two weeks at the end, met up with them and we came home together. Makes for a great family vacation and the grandparents get to see or should I say dote over the new baby. Lisa's parents were absolutely the best attentive grandparents one could ever imagine. They were showing off their grandson to everyone. Of course, he was rather spoiled during his stay.

 

 

You're right. My wife had a 3-month stay, and most of her friends here usually go back for 2-3 months.

[C4Racer]

You are actually making a really good point. I am not so much worried about her leaving me than I am not seeing my son again. I really really did not want to spill too much here. My wife is not stepping up to the plate a whole lot. I expected her to have the motivation that she had in China. To have a career, take care of herself, and have freedom. Even though this is not the case, she is still great in a lot of ways. And a great mother to our child.

 

But she knows most of this too. And would easily stay in China because she knows these issues.

It sounds like that your son is more important than your wife in your mind.Your son needs love both from you and your wife if you have good marriage together.

It comes into my mind that you want to get ready to divorce not her ...Please take care of your wife especially when she is taking care of your son everyday. It is really hard work to look after a little child. Please understand your wife...She is tired and sleepy everyday...

 

 

Amanda,

 

My wife is very important. I guess you are not understanding. I do know how difficult it is to take care of a child. I also want her to be able to take care of herself. I care enough about us all to want her be self to sufficient. My job keeps me gone from 7 in the morning until 7 in the evening. It also afford us a good living financially to where we don't have to worry about food and unexpected expenses. I want her to learn English so she can speak it to our son. I want her to be able to drive a car better so she can shop and drive our son to the doctor. It is hard for me to do my job and drive everyone everywhere. She needs to have the same freedoms as every other American. Sometimes she won't try and it is frustrating for BOTH of us.

 

That is why I could see her staying in China. I want her to motivate herself because when I express this to her it is like criticism. But I can't continue to do all of this.

 

 

I guess you have to understand your wife's situation and then you can understand what I said... Your son is so little that he needs his mother to look after him carefully and because of this reason your wife has to be at his side every moment... so she has no time and no other energy to learn driving or go to school to study English better...When I recall the time when my son at his early age, in my mind looking after him made me tired and sleepy... I even could not eat meals because I was afraid of him falling down because he did not know any danger... Only at the time when he went to sleep I could eat something and do laundry and other cleaning...So I guess when your wife has to take care your son, she has no chance and time to learn something new. Besides, she is doing hard work for your son she is easily to get angry... Both you and your wife have to adapt to this.

Please keep paitence and your wife will make progress.

My husband told me driving is a life style in USA. I hope I will learn before I move to USA. I also hope my English will be better in order to adapt to the new country and my husband. but I am lucky because my son is 14 years old I do not have to take care of him as he was 1 or 2 years old. He is growing up quickly and he is even taller than me. The problem is I have to find a better way to let him listen to me...lol. He is a good son and good student but he still needs me to educate him. This is another way of looking after children which is a challenge for parents unlike just meet his basic needs for eating and health when he was 1 or 2 years old...

Anyway, life is good which I have been through the process of living...

 

My suggestion is that join your wife to look after son not always talk about the things that right now she doesn't have time or enough energy to do...I guess that is why she looks your motivation to her as criticism.

Wife needs you to understand what she does for your son and your family when you are at work and how she is feeling about that.This job is more difficut than your working at your office. If you stayed at home to look after son everyday you would know the feeling would be...

 

BTW,I do not want to criticise you or argue with you.

Because I was at my hard work with my son when he was very little age I try to give you some experiences from me as suggestions.I wish you have new perspective to look at your wife in a new way after you read my suggestions...

 

Hope you, wife and son are the best!

 

Amanda from China

 

Amanda, you give a good point of view, but my first question would be has she ever had the motivation? If the answer is no. Then there could be other reasons for her lack of motivation, like being home sick. If she is home sick and returning to China, then his original question bears some looking into for answers. Especially if they have had other problems.

 

My wife got pregnant within a few months of coming to America. She was still motivated to learn English and driving both. She took ESL classes and learned to drive while she was pregnant. Once Garrett was born, she took a short pause from both, but being highly motivated to learn, she asked me to step up and help look after son. No problem, my son is my pride and joy. I took care of son at night while she went to ESL classes. She was better at driving so I made sure she drove everywhere we went. She also started beauty school so she could get her licenses and find a job. I took care of son evenings and weekends so she could go to school and study. I understand that each couple and situation is different, but if the motivation is there, there are ways to handle having children and pursing career options at the same time. Now that he is six months daycare is also an option. I understand each couple will handle the situation different, but my point of view is that having kids by itself should not be a sole reason for pursuing other things like learning English. Especially if the husband is willing to step up to the plate and help his wife in anyway he can.

[david_dawei]

Without knowing her or more details... I'm hearing alot of paranoia over an obvious case of missing home; she left her homeland for two years; she's probably thinking she should go back to china for two years to balance it off !

 

Trigg made a few points I would of... Can't see why she would not return with the child myself.

 

You should schedule a trip over there prior to the three months are up; return with her; if she refused to leave (worse case scenario), then leave with your son. Even that may not mean she doesn't want to return to you and son, but the depth of her missing home or life in china is something that only she can understand and experience.

 

BTW: My wife complains if she stays shorter than two months; her goal is to stay as much as 6 each year.

Edited July 5, 2008 by DavidZixuan (see edit history)