Conversation differences and challenges

[SheLikesME?]

I hate to post a serious topic but...

 

OK, for a couple of years now my wife has complained from time to time about our conversations. When I do it right she is very pleased with me and tells me so. Other times it goes South in a hurry and though I am told what was wrong, I just didn't get it until maybe yesterday.

 

The subject was "How to be a good leader". She was telling me all about a questionnaire she read and thought it good material for her and her boss. So along the way I began to think of her situation and how to apply it to her so she can improve, WRONG.

 

I can't help it. I try to apply things I learn to myself. My wife just wanted to discuss the topic without applying it to either of us. We talked about this for awhile and she informed me how her father listens very closely to what she says and it is enjoyable, she had talked to him that day. So we should just speak in academic terms? I know she does not like for me to relate any topic with something I know about or tell her of an example of the subject either.

 

OK my wife has a few college degrees. Is it just academics or is this some cultural thing I don't grasp? My wife feels I am so self focused and selfish sometimes in conversation. I don't seem to have this trouble with others that I know of and she says that with me I am the only one she has trouble with.

 

I don't know if I can explain what the whole problem is to be honest. I told her I felt we have some difference because I am doing what I always have and never had this trouble. I told her today that usually I have no idea what I did wrong in her eyes. She smiled and thanked me.

 

Is it her, me, or does your spouse have some differences in conversation with you that make it un-enjoyable for them?

Edited December 13, 2007 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

Dougie

 

I don't want to be the first one to cast a stone, but......

can someone hand me a BIG Rock?

 

Dougie it's hell having a wife smarter than we are....huh?

When are you going to learn they have 5000 years history?

 

Remember these two tiny words

"Yes honey".....

that works 99% of the time The other 1% your own your own

 

Merry Christmas Dougie and family

[IllinoisDave]

Try reading "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus."

[Dennis143]

Don't talk. Just listen, Doug. She's obviously not asking for advice, opinions or anecdotes from you. She looking for affirmation.

 

Like my grandmother always said: "God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk."

[Joanne]

Is it her, me, or does your spouse have some differences in conversation with you that make it un-enjoyable for them?

 

We have differences in conversation between my husband and I. Give you a simple example:

 

A few days ago, our daughter was watching a children TV serious (on DVD) called Dora. I noticed that the TV program always repeat the same pattern and daughter seems to have become less excited with the stories than before. I made a comment casually: this program seems to become a bit dull (for her). As soon as husband heard this, he said with a disturbed tone: "if you don't like it, turn it off", and started walking toward the computer where daughter was watching the DVD. I stopped him. He said, if you don't like it, don't watch, no need to complain.... That was the end of our conversation about the issue. I was quite upset (obviously he was, too) that a simple comment could cause such a reaction.

 

We have been married for way over 10 years, there are still many moments that our conversation didn't get anywhere at all (or ever worse, ended badly).

 

I guess what I was trying to say is, when your wife talks about something, she may not necessary want to get a solution, or relate it to her own life. I found it hard to talk casually with my husband because he takes everything seriously.

[SheLikesME?]

Is it her, me, or does your spouse have some differences in conversation with you that make it un-enjoyable for them?

 

I guess what I was trying to say is, when your wife talks about something, she may not necessary want to get a solution, or relate it to her own life. I found it hard to talk casually with my husband because he takes everything seriously.

seriously

 

Bingo.

 

OK, I have heard this before. She now reminds me to not take certain kinds of talk serious. It is just _______ talk.

 

Yes I take things serious. And since you mention it I even felt bad the other night because I get any work done, since I listened to her for hours. I felt kind of ... well I felt it was girl talk. I felt like I defiled myself a little. That isn't the right word, but I did not do what I needed to do that evening for us.

 

She is isolated. I spend as much time with her as I can. She is in Little Rock and I wish she had some Chinese girl friends. One nice lady who runs/owns a nice resturaunt there offered but she just does not let herself. She is kind of like my son, very studious, or very talkative if I am around. She wants me to leave sometimes so she can study at night and get back to schedule. If I am there she never studies. We have the greatest conversations some evenings. I think I stayed too long this last visit, but that was due to her asking me to.

 

We are in TX now. She got to see a classmate who will help her sister in law with a new job that is in her husbands company back in China. Eventually this will put them in the same city so there family is back together. She was so happy and I guess missed everything so bad she even lit up in Chinese to me for 2-3 sentences before she realized, then changed to english for me. Never did that before. I will be glad when mid Jan comes and her daugher is here for good, she says, and her father will visit for a month. She needs it.

 

Thanks Joanne, and all.

Edited December 16, 2007 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[DMikeS4321]

Is it her, me, or does your spouse have some differences in conversation with you that make it un-enjoyable for them?

 

We have differences in conversation between my husband and I. Give you a simple example:

 

A few days ago, our daughter was watching a children TV serious (on DVD) called Dora. I noticed that the TV program always repeat the same pattern and daughter seems to have become less excited with the stories than before. I made a comment casually: this program seems to become a bit dull (for her). As soon as husband heard this, he said with a disturbed tone: "if you don't like it, turn it off", and started walking toward the computer where daughter was watching the DVD. I stopped him. He said, if you don't like it, don't watch, no need to complain.... That was the end of our conversation about the issue. I was quite upset (obviously he was, too) that a simple comment could cause such a reaction.

 

We have been married for way over 10 years, there are still many moments that our conversation didn't get anywhere at all (or ever worse, ended badly).

 

I guess what I was trying to say is, when your wife talks about something, she may not necessary want to get a solution, or relate it to her own life. I found it hard to talk casually with my husband because he takes everything seriously.

 

Excellent example. My wife and I don't have problems like this, but I certainly have seen it in the past. Communication typically means different things to men and women, at least so I've heard. I'm reluctant to say more; I think I'll just wait for an answer....

[pha]

Try to learn some Chinese. It will take you forever to even scratch the surface of the language, but learning some of it will help you immensely in understanding the culture. Also, your wife will be pleased that you are taking an interest in her side of things, and will have a good laugh at you as you are struggling with pronunciation. I know you don't have a lot of time for it, but if you can do a little bit each day, it might help you understand her point of view.

[Shenzhen K-1]

Try to learn some Chinese. It will take you forever to even scratch the surface of the language, but learning some of it will help you immensely in understanding the culture. Also, your wife will be pleased that you are taking an interest in her side of things, and will have a good laugh at you as you are struggling with pronunciation. I know you don't have a lot of time for it, but if you can do a little bit each day, it might help you understand her point of view.

 

That is what my feng has asked me to do when she gets here. I will help her with English and she is going to hone my Chinese skills!!

[MikeandRong]

 

That is what my Feng has told me to do when she gets here. I will help her with English and she is going to hone my listening and cleaning skills!!

 

[david_dawei]

This reminds me of the 'upside-down' approach that I sometimes see with chinese... what is right-side up for us is not for another...

 

As pertaining to talking, here is what I have noticed at times... this is not a hard and fast rule, since I think both sides do this and that also there are gender differences, but I do tend to see this more than less.

 

Westerner: Will use conversation to work towards an end; the end result is some solution or advice sought. (I do believe that men are generally more solution oriented in talking).

 

Easterner: Will use conversation simply to express; sometimes not working towards anything; sometimes a solution was already found, so the conversation has nothing to do with asking for advice; sometimes it's to state the solution but it's indirectly spoken so as to not be obvious this is the case.

 

My wife fits this mold quite well... if she needed advice, she would ask it; more than likely she has a solution and simply is telling me what is about to occur or be done.

 

In fact, if I pose a conversation to my wife in which I reflect a question and reveal my answer (as if to ask her, her answer or solution), she will simply say, "do it" ; as if to say, you have the solution already, why do you need to ask anything.

 

I see this in chinese philosophy to some degree and so am not surprised by this approach where actions are superior and pre-date words, which come later to simply state what was done.

[SheLikesME?]

Learning Chinese is out until a few other things are done. Plus wife believes it is a waste of my time since she knows English and we live here.

 

But I did take one class and liked the logic of it much better than English.

 

David I am glad you posted. Was hoping you would. OK ALL. I give. I will just do like Dennis says and listen.

[SheLikesME?]

OK, so after a rather stern shake up about a few things I had to get resolved, we had a good discussion about the near future and how to get along. She mentioned again the listening, so you know what I did once she got home? I listened, and I listened. Had to be careful not to drift away as I paid bills. Had to listen to the topic. She went to bed happy.

 

And I thought I could talk a long time. But hey when it is good, it is very good. So ladies and fellers, I am listening and not getting too serious, I hope.

[jasal]

I hate to post a serious topic but...

 

OK, for a couple of years now my wife has complained from time to time about our conversations. When I do it right she is very pleased with me and tells me so. Other times it goes South in a hurry and though I am told what was wrong, I just didn't get it until maybe yesterday.

 

The subject was "How to be a good leader". She was telling me all about a questionnaire she read and thought it good material for her and her boss. So along the way I began to think of her situation and how to apply it to her so she can improve, WRONG.

 

I can't help it. I try to apply things I learn to myself. My wife just wanted to discuss the topic without applying it to either of us. We talked about this for awhile and she informed me how her father listens very closely to what she says and it is enjoyable, she had talked to him that day. So we should just speak in academic terms? I know she does not like for me to relate any topic with something I know about or tell her of an example of the subject either.

 

OK my wife has a few college degrees. Is it just academics or is this some cultural thing I don't grasp? My wife feels I am so self focused and selfish sometimes in conversation. I don't seem to have this trouble with others that I know of and she says that with me I am the only one she has trouble with.

 

I don't know if I can explain what the whole problem is to be honest. I told her I felt we have some difference because I am doing what I always have and never had this trouble. I told her today that usually I have no idea what I did wrong in her eyes. She smiled and thanked me.

 

Is it her, me, or does your spouse have some differences in conversation with you that make it un-enjoyable for them?

 

 

Sounds like an American wife. But women are women no matter where they come from and trying to apply logic to what a woman does or does not do will drive you crazy. Women don't think or act the way we men do. You shouldn't have to apologize for being yourself. And where does it say that men should give up being men to please their wives? We're different for a reason and changing yourself will only make you into something closer to being a woman... dude, you're a guy, act like one and let your wife make some adjustments too. Why does every guy here always post that we men have to be more this or that, that we have to give up what and who we are... Our wives, be they Chinese or not, can make changes too. We don't have to give up who we are to enjoy our marriages. I haven't and my wife and I have an enjoyable and happy marriage.

[Cerberus]

Try reading "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus."

Dave,

 

RIGHT! My wife got translated copies from a bookstore in China of as much of Dr Gray's writings as she could, including "Men are From Mars...". I have read it and enjoyed and learned from it. However.....Too bad Dr Gray didn't throw in variables like;

 

Ummmmm! Dr Gray my wife is Chinese, what should I do? B)

 

Perhaps a new work might be in the works for the future!