Consulate called to inform visa done.. she doesn't want now

[SheLikesME?]

Not sure if she will do it or not, but it seems to me it is in her best interest and yours that she get the visa and do what ever she needs to about the medical. Just keep the options open.

 

OK you are her first man. She is looking at going to a new country on the other side of the world. That country has made her feel unwelcome.

 

She wanted your mother or family to come and visit? Sounds pretty good to me. Isn't it in their culture that someone rasises the child other than the parent? My wife still had her ex's parents living in her house taking care of her daughter when we met and married. I had to live with them too on that visit. My mother lives with me and my wife asked very humbly once if my mother would still live with us. She said I think I can learn a lot from her. Can you believe it? A woman wanting the mother in law in the house? You have to understand her culture a bit more than ours. Maybe this is a need that she has. Maybe she needs more than you. Family and friends seem so tight in China compared to the USA, IMHO.

 

Now I am just fishing here, and we only here your side of things. Young and immature, OK, maybe. But if her feelings are strong enough to wear your ring that long and she understands herself a bit, then I would try to make her as comfortable as possible. We are talking about Chinese who base decisions on more than love. There is the whole arrangement of things and family ties. Money does not seem that important and thats good. But usually the ladies in China are much much more practical about their marriages. It is said that love is not that high on the list, but I am not so sure that is true. But other more practical matters are very high on the list with love than what we have in America today.

 

I suppose I have more to say, but maybe you catch my drift. There are others who can explain the culture and maturity of their decision making better than I.

 

I would get Mom over there. I would send anyone willing to go. Why not? It does not have to be pressure. I am sure your Mom has some sense, or hopefully. Maybe both of you go and you and your Mom stay in a hotel, so there is no pressure.

 

Personally I like getting married instead of the finace business, so people can flame me for that too. But it sure gives a girl a better commitment, IMHO. I wish you the best. But I would do things to just make her feel at ease. I personally would not give up without a trip over. You can always stay at a hotel. You can always do things in a way where there is no pressure.

[phantom1949]

You have to do what you thinl best. I would go to visit her be it in February or whenever, but is it a good idea to surpirse her? I would let her know when you were planning to come. Maybe I am wrong, but sometimes surprises can blow up in our face......

[Robert S.]

coming off her high horse

You have got a good head on your shoulders.

 

This resentment toward the US govt and the immigration process is the key to the problem. But it is not your fault that you come from America. If she comes here she will have plenty of other opportunities to be angry with all different levels of the govt. The great thing is that here you can try to do something about it and you won't disappear in the process. She has already gone thru one of the worst trials that our government ever puts normal people through. She should go ahead and come on over and give US a chance.

[ameriken]

I think you are taking a wise and careful approach. As already mentioned here, if you see this kind of behavior now, what can you expect in the future?

 

What you are seeing now in her behavior and personality is probably a good view of who she is and how she reacts/responds to stress and difficulty. This may be just a glimpse of what may lie ahead of you when you are married and enounter difficulties in life....only later it could be more pronounced and cause more strain in your relationship.

[phantom1949]

I think you are taking a wise and careful approach. As already mentioned here, if you see this kind of behavior now, what can you expect in the future?

 

What you are seeing now in her behavior and personality is probably a good view of who she is and how she reacts/responds to stress and difficulty. This may be just a glimpse of what may lie ahead of you when you are married and enounter difficulties in life....only later it could be more pronounced and cause more strain in your relationship.

 

 

Very well said. Life is a journey but it is also a series or challenges.

 

Good Luck in how you proceed!!!!

[SirLancelot]

Drew, I have gone back and read every one of your 13 posts.

 

As your SO is only 22 (or perhaps 23 now), she is very young and indeed is not mature enough to seriously understand the full ramifications of her past decision to be with you. Unlike many of the other SOs who are older and wiser with more life experiences, your young SO has not experienced much in life and is allowed to be her age and to change her mind often.

 

I fully agree with her that you need to go over to China and live with her for a while. China in 2006 for a young and educated woman is not China of 1970s. She has plenty of opportunities in her professional career as well as finding a very nice Chinese husband. There's no direct need for her to come to the US. Her current life in China may indeed be better than her potential life in the US.

 

You are absolutely free to choose to allow her to be a bird but I suspect she will fly away. You have very little chance in getting her back if you just let her be. She already has come to the conclusion that China for her is the right place to be for now. If you want to remain with her, you better move to China and live with her for a couple of years. If you don't want to do that, that is your prerogative, but I highly doubt she'll change her mind as time passes. I strongly believe, as you've already stated, with each passing day, she's thinking less and less of the relationship.

 

I think this is also a test she's giving you: to see if you indeed really love her as much as you proclaim to her. She's very young, so she probably does believe in true love. Now she wants to see the grand and romantic gesture of you moving over to be with her. As you fully admit yourself, she has plenty of other men chasing after her. If you don't chase after her, I highly doubt she'll chase after you.

 

Best of luck.

 

The part I mentioned of her telling me other men have and are chasing her should be better explained.

 

She has repeatedly told me she does not care or have interest in another man. She said she does not need a man. I am the only one she has been with and she feels that if she does not marry me she would be by herself for a very long time. In fact she chose the words "forever" because she does not want to be with anyone else.

 

She told me she still wears the ring and will not take it off unless I get married to someone else.

 

She wanted me to move there so that we could get to know each other better before actual marrying. She does not like the pressure of having to marry me so fast if she comes here.

 

I do not doubt her disinterest in other guys. She mentioned to me the rich men that want her and can never have her to prove to me that it has nothing to do with money.

 

I could go on about a man whose family owns a company the equivalent of GE in China that was trying to whoo her for 2 years. She chose me over him when we first got together. Turned out one of my coworkers knew who he was and ...Man... it had me worried for sometime. I will say no more about that.

 

Anyway. She talked with my mother also last week for over an hour on the phone and even asked if she could ocme to China to meet her and her family.

 

There have been alot of things that have been said, things that have happened, etc.

 

I agree with leaving her alone for now. My friend there will inform her mother of the total circumstances surrounding the reality of the visa and if she chooses not to complete it with the reality that she will probably never have the opportunity again should she change her mind at a later time. My friend's intervention is as far as I can see for now.

 

Some months from now, a call to her to see how she responds and probably plan a trip in early February as a surprise. I can then see her face to face after long silence and see what happens.

 

For now, I've asked my friend to inform the mother how important it is to ensure all the documents of mine are kept together including the latest letter received from the consulate so that something will be able to be done.

 

For now.... silence... let her fly away on her own and see if she comes back. I can only see. She has unfortunately taken the direction she has but I have seen this from her before. She acts like a child sometimes and needs to be told what to do... repeatedly before coming off her high horse. She feels like she has been treated like a poor person having to beg for the visa thru this process and she feels belittled.

 

What she fails to recognize is that I was the one who did most of the work.

 

I think with some time alone she will either come around.... or fly away. Seeing her face to fact though is a necessity. She wants to keep the relationship with me calling on the phone and has repeatedly asked I wait for one or maybe 2 years so that she can "grow up" as I said earlier. She is completely against divorce and explained thoroughly to my mother her concern about our relationship having troubles due to the problems from separation and the visa process.

 

I will wait.... then take the plunge.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I feel I am trying to combine the comments of everyone.

 

Drew

[chilton747]

Dude,

 

The USA is FULL of women like this. Why were you looking in China for a wife in the first place? Is it her outward beauty that has awe struck you? She is young and sounds to me like she is in the "playing games" stage. Pardon me if I sound harsh but I have "been there, done that" and ain't goin there no more. Drew, search deep in your heart for what you really need. Life is short so make the best of it. The part that really hits me hard is the fact that she says she has many men chasing her. There are other Chinese women that do not go for this. Do yourself a favor and look for a Chinese woman deply imbedded in traditionalism. After all, we are all looking for a happy marriage, right???????

[phantom1949]

Drew:

 

When these types of threads are posted, there are so many opinions and they all have some merit in them.

 

I agree that if you let her fly away she will. Non of us know her but I agree that at a young age, it may not be games but immaturiity and inexperience. Being confused and hurt is something we call all understand.

 

There is an old expression that says "Youth is wasted on the Young".

 

Letting your SO fly away is also telling her you do not care enough to fight for her.

 

Many of us here have had bad relationships and when something like this happens, we can mentally brand her as a game player. Maybe she is and maybe is isn't We are guessing as we do not know her.

 

When people come together, there are so many reasons, physical attraction, deep love, security and the list can just keep growing. If you love this lady, go and talk to her. No pressure, so games, just talk. If you can go there for a month to spend time with her, then do it. If it is a choice between her and your job, well, you need to decide what is more important. You can always get another SO but then you can also always get another job.

 

You both need to talk and open up to each other if she will. But if yuo love her, let her know it. Speaking the words is just air movng around. Action and deeds are what counts. Show her though actions that you love her.

 

As for the immaturity it is normal at a younger age. So be understanding. Do not try to convince her WHAT YOU WANT, but listen to what she wants and see where the common ground it.

 

What I was told once and I believe it is that for you to have true love both of you need to feel it in your hearts and minds.

 

We can all talk, but this is your life.

 

I wish you good luck in your deciding. In the end we are all looking for happiness and I hope you find it as well.

 

Lawrence

[SheLikesME?]

Drew, I have gone back and read every one of your 13 posts.

 

As your SO is only 22 (or perhaps 23 now), she is very young and indeed is not mature enough to seriously understand the full ramifications of her past decision to be with you. Unlike many of the other SOs who are older and wiser with more life experiences, your young SO has not experienced much in life and is allowed to be her age and to change her mind often.

 

I fully agree with her that you need to go over to China and live with her for a while. China in 2006 for a young and educated woman is not China of 1970s. She has plenty of opportunities in her professional career as well as finding a very nice Chinese husband. There's no direct need for her to come to the US. Her current life in China may indeed be better than her potential life in the US.

 

You are absolutely free to choose to allow her to be a bird but I suspect she will fly away. You have very little chance in getting her back if you just let her be. She already has come to the conclusion that China for her is the right place to be for now. If you want to remain with her, you better move to China and live with her for a couple of years. If you don't want to do that, that is your prerogative, but I highly doubt she'll change her mind as time passes. I strongly believe, as you've already stated, with each passing day, she's thinking less and less of the relationship.

 

I think this is also a test she's giving you: to see if you indeed really love her as much as you proclaim to her. She's very young, so she probably does believe in true love. Now she wants to see the grand and romantic gesture of you moving over to be with her. As you fully admit yourself, she has plenty of other men chasing after her. If you don't chase after her, I highly doubt she'll chase after you.

 

Best of luck.

Sir Lance, this is what I had in mind as well. Personally of course I would LOVE to live in China. In CFL many have said they would live in China to be with their mate. I recall also words or polls about our own willingness, or not, to give up all we have over here to be with him/her over there. So where is that spirit in this guys? There sure seems to plenty love on her part, but at a young age this process and trouble with it just may be too much. I don't know that anyone could expect this from somone so young and fresh.

 

The college girl I write to help with her english is only 20. In some ways she is more like a Jr. High to High School teen when it comes to boys. I remember when she was shocked when I asked her if she had a bf. Oh no she said. I am too young for that. This is the time in life to study and work hard and learn.

 

Sir Lance, I am glad you read all his posts. I'll take your word for things.

 

Ken, I see your points and I think they should be weighed at all times. But this man is practically married to this girl. I don't think one should give up so easy. Perhpas she shouldn't either. Probably the drilling for the interview and this whole process has been so anti-romantic for her she began to question. None of us really have any idea, but my hunch is that leaving it alone is exactly like Sir Lance has said, she will fly. All of our SOs would have flown if we did not take action.

 

50 buck and hour in old Hot Humid Houston vs. being with the woman you love, hey no brainer to me. One can probably get a good paying job about anytime. If she is worth it to you then go over. Move over there. It may not work out in the long run. But you have given it your all and can make a good conclusian as a man. One thing I hate about this process is the ladies/men cannot come over for a visit first, meet the family, look at your house, see what you do every day. Even with love they just may not want it.

 

I have told my wife repeatedly that once here she is free to go. I have insisted that she NOT sell her house. She says if she sells her house she would have to like mine and life with me. Yes, this is real dedication, but if she were 22 in China which is more like a teenager in America, I would not expect so much dedication. It does not mean it would not work out and that she is less of a good wife. She is just not experienced.

 

The process has hurt your finace's tender feelings. I would say most of our women have already had their feelings pretty bruised by others in their past. This girl never has. I would cherish this and try to preserve her feelings the best I could. That being said, maybe reality is you cannot find a good paying job in China. Maybe she would be disapointed in you if that is the case. Who knows, but if this is who you want to marry and she just wants to live there, HEY HOW MANY MEN IN THE USA LIVE IN A STATE OR SIDE OF TOWN THEY DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN BECAUSE THEIR WIFE NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE HER PARENTS AND FRIENDS. Heck my boss gave up a huge farm in OK to live in high priced LA in CA to be with his sweetheart. There isn't a damn thing wrong with this girl wanting to stay in CHina for awhile. She loves you I bet, but she is not so sure about all the other. Your ball.

[SirLancelot]

One thing I hate about this process is the ladies/men cannot come over for a visit first, meet the family, look at your house, see what you do every day. Even with love they just may not want it.

 

I agree with this 150%. It is extremely unfortunate that the vast majority of Chinese SOs can't come to the States first for a visit. I think it would immensely help out with a long term relationship. Without a visit first, they're all going on blind faith. Some, unfortunately, will not stay in the relationship once they've actually seen what life will be like for them once here.

[hakkamike]

If it were me I would not listen to what anyone here tells you. You need to think it out for yourself and do what you feel is right in your own mind.

[SheLikesME?]

One thing I hate about this process is the ladies/men cannot come over for a visit first, meet the family, look at your house, see what you do every day. Even with love they just may not want it.

 

I agree with this 150%. It is extremely unfortunate that the vast majority of Chinese SOs can't come to the States first for a visit. I think it would immensely help out with a long term relationship. Without a visit first, they're all going on blind faith. Some, unfortunately, will not stay in the relationship once they've actually seen what life will be like for them once here.

Which begs for debate as to why some do it. We have been over that many times in CFL. Mine had experience with Chinese men that turned her off about them as bad as I was about USA women. Now we both face the culture and habbit differences. But she liked the way I treated her. She never felt so loved or treated so kind. I was willing to do what it took to make it work, incuding live in China. She definatly had that option. She considered it and decided I should keep my good job. But my wife has been all over Europe and one other Asian country. This decision and gamble was easier for her to make, though she was for a European and not an American at first.

 

I met some other ladies one way or the other who did not have my wifes world experience and who were in their 20s. I could have married one of them. Several I met in person and the others on line. I know their fears of change. I would say for those younger girls it was about encouragement from parents and teachers to talk with me and or see about marriage. So I am afraid I see this gals side of things a bit. If I had loved and/or chosen one of the younger ones, I expect I would have been over to see them more often out of necessity, or possibly have to move over.

 

Our ladies have to trust more than us, I feel. This is a big change. It is too bad they did not have this worked out before now. But anytime is the right time. I just wish you 2 all the best in the world what ever you decide. Again I would LOVE to live over there, but we made our decision and it is set. Haha, I guess my wife made the decision where we live, HAhahahaha the jokes on me

[SheLikesME?]

If it were me I would not listen to what anyone here tells you. You need to think it out for yourself and do what you feel is right in your own mind.

AGREED 100%!!!!!!!!!

 

But he put it out here for us to debate.

[C4Racer]

If it were me I would not listen to what anyone here tells you. You need to think it out for yourself and do what you feel is right in your own mind.

AGREED 100%!!!!!!!!!

 

But he put it out here for us to debate.

 

Mike,

I think he is trying, but for some unknown reason he is on the fence regarding his decision. So, since he is not sure what to do, he asks others for advice. Usually when you are asking for advice, you are searching for something that fits your preconceived notion of what you should do. Once you find it, then this is the advice you tend to follow. Good or not, really doesn't have much to do with it. It just helped to knock you off the fence so to speak.

If someone were simply open minded about the ideas then personally, I like the advice Lance has given him the best. Let's hope he follows it.

 

Regarding the "set the bird free" analogy. Why are some people giving this advice regarding a young relationship? The love within this relationship has not yet had a chance to grow to fully bind the two together. This will not happen until after they have lived together as husband and wife under one roof for some time. The bird will fly easily because it doesn't know what it is leaving behind.

[paula]

I was awake up around 2:30 am this morning and could not back sleep because of legged jet. I feel llike speaking something about Drew's fiancee. I totally understand what's her feeling as I experienced the same process. Yes, his fiancee is younger than imature than me, but I think her love for drew is real. The main problem is the visa took long time and Drew didnt visit her for long time. That is very hard for a woman. My husband visited me in Jan 2005 and only stayed for 6 days after married, duing to no vacation left, he had to come to visit me at the end of dec 2005. Do you know how much I complained about it, and how hard I had to wait this long time? my husband called me everyday, and told me how much he loves for me, but it was different from being together. Around Sep. 2005, I felt I was exhausted and blew out, I did asked for divorce as it was too hard for me without him living with, I talked to my parents about it. My dad had a long talk with me, he stood by my husband. I knew this long wait is not my husband's fault, but I had nobody to blow up, so my husband was the only one I complained to. My husband tried to courage me when I was down. Thanks god, we both knew what the the marriage means for us, that means we have to be more paitent, and we dedicated to our love. Drew, probably because it is over 16 months you have not seen her in person. that is what a way she feels about you, in her mind she might think you didnt care for her, as you didnt try to visit as much as you could.

 

I dont know Drew's fiancee is pratical or not, but having a good job in china is very important for chinese. We dont have much pressure on our jobs in china, the life is aslo good in china if you have good jobs there except huge population. His fiancee has good job, and money is not first issue she concerned about, I bet you all there he love, especially real love is what she wants. Without a person you love and loves you, there is no reason for us giving up everything in China.

 

Why his fiancee mentioned other men chasing her in china, I think that just a game chinese young woman usally plays, she just wanted you to pay more atttention to her. That is not mature behavior, because of her young age. I never did that to my husband, honestly I knew some guys interested in me when I were in china, but I tried not never to give them a chance. and of course it was not possible for me as I am married woman.

 

Again, I believe his fiancee is confused now, with help from Drew or any of us, I am sure she will be with Drew. She will know all the waitting is worthwhile. What is what I got after I moved here for 24 hours now.