Starting a family

[lou]

Early on in our relationship we talked about children, and at some point we would both like to start a family. We discussed how to start planning, how many do we want, the best time for us and things of that nature.

During one of our conversations, my wife expressed some concern of having the baby in the U.S. She was telling me about a Chinese custom that after a women gives birth, she is not allowed to do anything for one month. No cooking,cleaning,washing, no nothing. Not even going outside.

 

She's worried that with my workload being heavy at times and no family members close enough to help out that I would not last a week, doing everything around the house. You know what, I think she's right !

 

She talked about going home for a month when the time came so she would be with her family to help her with everything. I understand her feelings and want to do everything I can to make sure she is happy and comfortable, but I do have mixed feelings about our child being born overseas. first, it's possible that I wouldn't be there for the event! Also, I visited a few of her family members in hospitals where she lives and to tell you the truth, the conditions were so poor and dirty, it's hard for me to explain. Plus, I'm not even sure of the legal ramifications of our son/daughter being born overseas. U.S. citizenship and such. It's still a long way off and yes, we will make up our own minds no matter what you all say ! Just wanted to hear your thoughts.

 

I can't remember word for word but my love told me a while ago, "China is a country of a thousand lands, and inside each of these lands are a thousand customs. And in our lifetime together, we will never, ever, understand them all". I always tell her I will never try to understand them all, I will just try to accept them.

[tonado]

Your child will be an US citizen if one of you is US citizen. So it doesn't matter if the child is born in China. However, US has much better health care than in China. If she decides to have the child in China, then they might not be back for a year. You should try hard to persuade her to have the baby here,

[Rakkasan]

Given enough time, as part of your planning, set aside enough money to cover hired help for one month, housekeeper, nanny and of course someone to help you call in pizza orders.

[wpc76180]

In my case, I'm trying to recruit my mom or my aunt

to be the nanny for one month

 

If that fails, then, I'm taking one month paternity leave

as stated in the Family Leave Act for all US employers.

[Guest pushbrk]

Early on in our relationship we talked about children, and at some point we would both like to start a family. We discussed how to start planning, how many do we want, the best time for us and things of that nature.

During one of our conversations, my wife expressed some concern of having the baby in the U.S. She was telling me about a Chinese custom that after a women gives birth, she is not allowed to do anything for one month. No cooking,cleaning,washing, no nothing. Not even going outside.

 

She's worried that with my workload being heavy at times and no family members close enough to help out that I would not last a week, doing everything around the house. You know what, I think she's right !

 

She talked about going home for a month when the time came so she would be with her family to help her with everything. I understand her feelings and want to do everything I can to make sure she is happy and comfortable, but I do have mixed feelings about our child being born overseas. first, it's possible that I wouldn't be there for the event! Also, I visited a few of her family members in hospitals where she lives and to tell you the truth, the conditions were so poor and dirty, it's hard for me to explain. Plus, I'm not even sure of the legal ramifications of our son/daughter being born overseas. U.S. citizenship and such. It's still a long way off and yes, we will make up our own minds no matter what you all say   ! Just wanted to hear your thoughts.

 

I can't remember word for word but my love told me a while ago, "China is a country of a thousand lands, and inside each of these lands are a thousand customs. And in our lifetime together, we will never, ever, understand them all". I always tell her I will never try to understand them all, I will just try to accept them.

199649[/snapback]

In addition to other good suggestions already given, you may well find that by the time a baby is to be born, your wife may become exposed to enough US custom to consider a different plan. Perhaps you can help this along by arranging for her to rub shoulders with some American Moms.

[frank1538]

This is a very stong tradition in some parts of China. We can discuss the basis and the merits, but the bottom line is that it will likely be very difficult to change this.

 

When KK, my step daughter, got pregnant, Jingwen and I discussed this at length. Despite my best efforts at logic, Jingwen was steadfast in wanting to adhere to tradition even if KK was to have the baby here in the US. She allowed only one small concession that would allow KK or the baby to go to the doctor during the first month if the need arose.

 

KK was very fortunate in that her mom, brother, and I were here to pick up some of the slack during the first month. Jingwen had a few more responsibilities with the baby but took it in stride - it was all part of the process - family pitches in.

 

I am like most westerners in that I am biased in favor of western medicine/hospitals. If you are like me in this regard, get her new family involved. Explain to them why this tradition is important and be prepared to do more for a month.

 

One nice thing about Jingwen's tradition was that after one month, we had a "coming out" dinner at one of the Chinese restaurants and took a ton of pictures.

 

It was nice to follow the tradition, and it showed great respect for Jingwen's culture. I must admit that it was also nice to follow the tradition here in the US.

[chrisnhong]

Have you been told the rest of the tradition? Special chinese foods and the rest of it? My wife is trying to get permission for her parents to visit at that time...

[Rakkasan]

Hmmmm..... a little off topic, but I metioned this thread to my mom and she stated that when I was born my dad took off work for a month, when my older brothers were born her parents came for close to 2 months. She said that generally 50 years ago the new mother didn't even leave the house for the first 6 weeks. It is only in the last 40 years or so that we in this country have strayed from this.

 

Then I got to thinking about my EX. Our son is 15 1/2 and she doesn't do anything. hehehehe...

[jim_julian]

Lou, I would try to put off the decision for a while. Hopefully your wife has been working on English and will try hard to become integrated in the general community where you live as opposed to trying to recreate China in America. I'm sure there are many who disagree with me but I really think that foreign born spouses who bury themselves in the local "Chinatown", "Little Saigon", etc will have a very hard time finding true happiness in their marriage and in America. It's a delicate balance to strike and I'm not advocating a "make over" to turn a Chinese lady into a blonde California surfer grrl.

 

Of course, from her current perspective, she wants to adhere to Chinese custom. Hopefully her experiences in the first year or two in America will give her a broader perspective. I would think it will take at least that long to settle into marriage and a new country before adding the further stress of bringing a child into the world.

 

Take some time ...

[dstarsboy]

Have you been told the rest of the tradition?  Special chinese foods and the rest of it?  My wife is trying to get permission for her parents to visit at that time...

199742[/snapback]

This is a great idea. Why don't you have her mom or a relative come visit you for a month?

[Joanne]

Tell her that she would be better off not having her mom here to make sure she doesn't shower for a month.

[david_dawei]

If she goes back to china, it will certainly be for more than a month...

 

We have talked about this topic numerous times.. never do I attempt to talk her out of it, as if to change her mind... we talk about what it takes to make her comfortable overall... including her statement of wanting a cesarian section delivery already.

 

We have discussed the following approaches:

1) I will take over all chores. This is doable as I work from home and so this is probably top of the list right now.

2) Try to have her sister come to US (no living parents nor grandparents). We don't hold our breath about this option.

3) Have a friend, already in US come to care for her (or she goes to the friends house)... she has talked about this and they talked of 'switching' care for each other.

4) She goes back to china for 3 months (minimum) to have baby... All she has to do is say this is the option she truly wants and we'll do it.. frankly, she'll feel the most comfortable and supported via this way, but I think that right now, this is not really her strongest desire...

[lou]

Thanks for all the suggestions, we discussed all of them together and it helped very much. All the options put her mind at ease, she even told me that going back to China may not be the best idea. Mom and Dad being together with our newborn more important. The option will always be open for her but I feel it less of an issue now.

We have our timeframe for starting a family and it's still a long way off, 1 1/2 to 2 years after she's here. We like talking about these things early, that way no surprises later !

 

Thanks again.

[warpedbored]

If you can get her mom over here for a month or so that would ease things considerably. The passport issues are not all that simple either if the baby is born in China. She would need to go to the consulate with records to get the baby a US passport but in addition the baby would also need an exit visa from the Chinese govt. in order to leave the country.

Edited March 23, 2006 by warpedbored (see edit history)

[awch]

You might want to check out this article: (scroll down to the story "Not Without my Daughter")

 

http://asiapages.typepad.com/the_asia_page...6/01/index.html