Coming to America vs. Becoming Americanized

[Jeikun]

As most know, currently my wife is in San Jose, and I am still here in Virginia for about 2 more weeks.

 

As I mentioned, she has quite a few friends there. Of course they all get together, go to asian restaurants, go shopping at chinese (and western) stores, go crabbing, go to Karaoke, speak only in Chinese... basically live inside a Chinese "bubble"

 

On one hand I'm glad. Jun was homesick. Familiar faces, and places are very comforting to her and she has cheered up quite a bit, but it also points something else out to me.

 

Since coming here, Jun's English which was already very good improved very quickly. So much so, that some people where she worked were suprised when she said she was not born here. Jun decided she loves steak (not even chopped up), italian food, tiramisu, etc etc. There were western foods and things she turned her nose up at of course, but she also came to accept and enjoy quite a bit.

 

Her friends, well that's another story. Some have been here for years, and their English doesn't come close to Jun's. They have no non-Chinese friends to speak of, they only eat at Asian restaurants, only shop at asian grocery stores...

 

Jun told me yesterday she missed Italian food. Sean (the guy who's apartment she's subletting) told her of a really nice Italian restaurant - but she says she has to wait for me to come, because her friends all refuse to eat at a non-asian restaurant.

 

I mean, what if I lived in Beijing and only ate at freaking Outback, McDonald's, and Pizza Hut? Wouldn't I be seen as strange and closed-minded?

 

I worry about Jun becoming part of a closed-circle, with me as the only western part of her life. If she gets a job who primarily uses Mandarin, talks to her friends in Mandarin, talks to her family in Mandarin - only uses English with me... I don't think it will ever improve. It might be my imagination, but I think I even noticed her making some old pronunciation mistakes she hadn't made in a long time on the phone recently...

 

When I first talked to Jun about moving to the US, she was against the idea of moving to a "chinatown" because she said "It's not the real US". Now she's happy to live in just such a place.

 

I guess I'm feeling a little "culturally rejected". I don't want to have to become Chinese just to fit in. If I wanted to do that, I would have preferred to have lived in China, and gone all the way.

 

I mean, I guess it's time for a little give and take - meet in the middle - etc, etc. I just hope the new environment is condusive to it. I feel like the pressure is all on me now. Maybe that's how she felt when she first moved here...

[Jeikun]

Let me soften that a little. That sounded like Jun's friends were "the enemy" or something... Her friends are very nice people, and treated me very well while I was there. We had a wonderful meal on Chinese New Year at her friend's home. I like them. Also I'm not saying that being "Americanized" is akin to betterment, and not being is akin to falling back, somehow. It depends on your situation.

 

In Jun and my case, it was always the understanding between us that she wanted to speak English as well as she could speak Chinese, she wanted to understand our culture, etc etc. Which was a very close thing to my heart - not because American culture is better, but because it is "MY" culture. It felt like she respected it, and wanted to know and understand it because she loved me and wanted to be a full part of my life.

 

I just wonder if in such "familiar" surroundings, it will be possible.

 

This is extremely hypocrytical on my part. Many of you can speak broken (or better) Chinese in a short time, and I can barely say "Ni-Hao". Maybe I'm getting my just reward.

[warpedbored]

My wife's friends here in Portland are all Chinese. fortunately almost all of them are K-visa couples like ourselves. I would suggest you seek out other CFL type couples in the area to socialize with then you both have the best of both worlds.

[Dan R]

Welcome to California. I understand just what you are saying. At least if you get to hang out with them you will learn some Chinese. You have accurately described life in the Chinese communities of California.

 

I hope you can both work out a balance of your needs. Good Luck.

[C4Racer]

I understand your feelings quite well.

 

The syndrome you speak of is what has happen to my wife's cousin. She came to Vancouver, B.C., Canada about fifteen years ago. Since that time she has sheltered herself inside the large Chinese community. She has not learned any English. My wife says she understands enough to have an idea of what you are talking about, but can not master the language enough to speak back to you. She does not work, because this would require some sort of basic skill of the spoken English language. This happens to some put in this situation, but not all.

 

My wife has made many Chinese friends since coming here. Portland has a fairly large contingent of Chinese people living here. When they get together, they speak exclusively Chinese language. It is easy for them and makes them feel comfortable. Yet, my wife ventures out to others places. Talks and makes friends with English speaking people, as well. We select non-Chinese restaurants when we go out to eat, unless we go with thes friends. She wants to try these other foods and increase her world. Some of these other friends are also doing the same. Many hold jobs which require them to write and speak English.

 

I would not worry to much if I were you. Jun sounds like my wife and her friends. Of course they will befriend those who hold simply to the Chinese community. After all, they have much in common and it is easy to make friends with them. Being this far from home, friends can make it so much easier. Yet, she also sounds like she is not going to be happy staying exclusively inside this world. She did say she is looking forward to visiting the Italian restaurant with you. I think it will be something you two can find a way to meet in the middle. The best thing you can do is talk it over with your wife.

 

Lisa and I have had a discussion on this topic. Mostly because this has happened to her cousin. She feels a sadness for her cousin because she closed out much of the world. Lisa does not want this to happen to her. I am guessing you will get the same response from Jun. Make sure to talk to her about it though. It is a very important subject and should be out in the open as a concern.

[Randy W]

My experience has been that if 2 French people are in a room, they will speak French to each other and ignore everyone else.

 

With Chinese people, however, you are at an advantage. In a room with only 1 English-speaking person, they will all speak English so you won't feel left out. If there's anyone who doesn't speak English, someone else will translate for you.

 

You can correct anything that needs correcting. Best of all worlds here.

[Jeikun]

My experience has been that if 2 French people are in a room, they will speak French to each other and ignore everyone else.

 

With Chinese people, however, you are at an advantage. In a room with only 1 English-speaking person, they will all speak English so you won't feel left out. If there's anyone who doesn't speak English, someone else will translate for you.

 

You can correct anything that needs correcting. Best of all worlds here.

190335[/snapback]

That has not been my experience. I guess it depends on the individual French or Chinese person. One of Jun's friends spoke in English quite a bit so I wouldn't feel left out, and occasionally would translate what the others were talking about. But everyone else, Jun included spoke only in Chinese, unless they were addressing me directly.

[Dan R]

The size and extent of the Chinese communities in California is what makes it different here. Chinese only (or with very basic English skills) jobs are readily available and there is no need to use English for daily life. The market, doctor, auto repair, cell service, insurance agent etc. are all available in Chinese.

 

I have purposely used Chinese speakers for services we need so she can thoroughly understand the difference in services here and in China. This has worked well. In 4.5 months her English has gone up and down with the amount of time she spends with friends. She does want this to be different from living in China so she tries to experience more. gradually she is adapting and not everything in America is "Bu Hao". Still other than me there is little contact with Americans other than going to government office appointments.

 

Luckily (Jason this may apply in your case) her English is about the best of her friends. What this means is they pick her up to help with anything requiring English and ask her to make calls for her. It gives her a feeling of accomplishment and importance which she needs. It also emphasises to her how important knowing both worlds is.

 

It has definitely been a growth experience for both of us in many ways.

[mercator]

Two things though...

 

I miss Italian food. and I'll wait for you to go.

 

Sounds like good stuff to me. Yeah, maybe she is spending more time in the Chinese bubble, but it sounds to me like she is striking a balance, not stepping in a bubble. Maybe getting a little more comfortable is all.

 

Ok three things... You're coming there too. You may have to remind her sometimes to spend time with you or make time for her, but that is part of the plan anyway, right?

[Dennis143]

Aw Jason, your post simply sound like a husband who misses his wife. Your facing a big transistion. Change can be scary and change can create some insecurity too. The unknown awaits you. Jun has done it and, now, you can do it too. Everything will be fine.

[jim_julian]

Jason, the problem you surface is real and makes an enormous difference in people's lives. I have a good friend from another country who has been here now for about 5 years. His two daughters are fluent in English and have many friends who are not of their culture ... they are very happy and well adjusted. He is also fluent, works as an engineer, and has no desire to ever go back to the country of his origin except for the occasional visit. His wife has stayed in the bubble. She has no real friends outside of the local community of her culture. Her English has made no progress since she arrived. She is depressed and her general health has deteriorated. We have tried to get her more involved in American life but she remains withdrawn.

 

I have discussed all this with Lao Po. Like Jun she says the right things now but you can bet that this is an area I'll be watching like a hawk ... as I'm sure you are doing.

[dstarsboy]

I guess I'm feeling a little "culturally rejected".  I don't want to have to become Chinese just to fit in.  If I wanted to do that, I would have preferred to have lived in China, and gone all the way.

 

Trust me, it could be worse. My SO loves China and is very skeptical about moving to the US and actually wants me to move to Chongqing. Of course, if I married her, I would do definitely have to consider this reality.

 

Consider yourself lucky that your SO is very happy among her people, she loves you and you still enjoy the benefits of living in the USA. I wouldn't worry too much about you turning Chinese, if you're willing to give up everything and move to make her happy, then a little cultural shake-up for the same reason shouldn't be overwhelming.

[Feathers268]

First off, Jason, your post sounds to me like she has enveloped herself with her friends as she is back in an environment she has not been in for a while so she has a chance to re-live some of what she has missed about China. That being said, as the novelty wears a bit and you finally make it out here, a middle ground will be reached.

You do point out a growing problem I think in that the "melting pot" is broken. I think it is fare to say that if we were to move to any other country in the world, we would be expected to chage in order to live within the new culture we chose. Why should it be wrong to expect the same for anyone who chooses to come here to the US? Yes the US is only 230 years old, and yes, we are a nation of imigrants, but that does not mean that we do not have our own culture. There is a history of immigrants coming to America and within a generation assimilating out of their ethnic community into American society. If you come here and don't speak English, OK, but learn it. I would expect to have to learn what ever language was spoken if I went elswhere. People come here from all over the world because the see the chance for a better life for themselves and their children. Then why make part of this country exactly the same as the one they leave. This is the United States of America, not the United Nations. Multi-culturism is a good thing, not multi-nationalism.

Jason, again I think Jun will be fine, and Jen also likes Italian food so give us a call anytime.

[egolessvegan]

....Message for Jason:

 

I would not be too overly concerned with your wife's desire to be around other Chinese people and to eat in Asian restaurants. After all this is her comfort zone. If the shoe was on the other foot you might be doing the same. Try not to over analyze everything, because you will make yourself crazy.

 

My wife is much the same way. But as time goes on I see gradual changes coming about. I just accept the situation for what it is and do not over react to anything.

 

I have never been happier or more fulfilled especially now that the kids are here with us.

 

So my advice to you, is just to go with the flow and realize you are in much better place than say a year ago.

 

Good luck with your move to San Jose.

 

Ken

[tonado]

Jason,

 

Once you move to San Jose, you will have to make adjustment with your life. It is good for Jun to keep both cultures (Chinese and American). Also, San Jose would be closer to China if Jun wants to visit her family.